1. Detroit Lions:  These cats are all purr and no hiss. Megatron had two targets in the first game. Two! Is that how you treat a superstar? No. It IS a great way to pave your way to a loss however and that’s what these rankings are all about. Chunk has been huffing the ball around and then puffing after he’s flushed from the pocket. If you’re not going to the star then I guess it’s all about Golden Tate then. That’s a quality decision, just like buying real estate in Wichita, building a stadium and trying to lure an NFL team there. The D is in great bad shape thanks to some quality work on the part of GM Mayhew. His next move? Bringing in Stevie Brown who was let go by the Giants, cut by the Texans and let go again by the Giants. Way to go Mayhew! They’re playing Denver in Denver-chances of going 0-3? Hulk strong.

2. New Orleans Saints: Brees was always looked at as a potent QB. This year a few parts of his game went missing just like his mom did for a while back in ’09. The only TE that could be mentioned in the same sentence as Gronk was shipped away. Colston is hanging on to relevance like Wiley Coyote to the edge of a cliff. Constantly intermittently injured CJ Spiller was brought in to do his thing which is to leave his butt print on the “not playing” bench. And now Brees is injured for a bit. They be on the road against the Panthers so I’m thinking they’ll give up a shit ton of points and backup Luke McCown will force the ball into coverage. I see a solid spot in the rankings for these god-awful Saints.

3. New York Giants: The Giants are a text book example of how to get on this list by simply not paying attention to details. Enough has been written about the clock corruption that has occurred the last two weeks-I was impressed when rook safety Collins didn’t bother to touch a downed receiver, letting him get back up for extra yards. He was either not told about this pro rule or brain farts are as prevalent/infectious in the Giants organization as MRSA is in the Phillies spring training clubhouse. Not to be outdone, Eli has “John Cleese in The Ministry of Silly Walks”-ed his way to a marvelous 48.2 QB rating. Is he being blind-folded and spun in circles before he runs onto the field? I can see a quality home loss against the Slurs tonight vaulting them up the rankings.

4. Chicago Bears: The Bears are doing everything wrong. I mean right. They did what they were supposed to do in Wk. 1 which was to keep it close and eventually lose against the Packers. But last week a hero emerged. Cutler, seeing that he could make a huge impact on this team, got himself impacted. Name me another guy who’s willing to throw an interception AND injure himself on the same play, thus forcing his underwhelming replacement to come in and ensure the loss? The Bears can keep the momentum going by giving Forte 45+ touches, increasing his chances of getting injured. I like where this team is going…

5. Houston Texans: Foster practised today! There’s a bit of hope for the future. The Texans have acquitted themselves well the last few weeks, losing 27-20 and 24-17. To get where they’re at, the Texans used the age-old “Who the hell is our QB?” strategy. I’m not saying it’s original but it does get you a lack of results. Indecision at perhaps the most important position on the team is a great way to hobble your team’s efforts. O’Brien with the Mallett in the End Zone (several times) might be the clue that gets the Texans off this list. They host the Bucs this week.

6. Philadelphia Eagles: Sometimes one big decision pays huge dividends. In this case, Chip Kelly thought that Sam Bradford was the answer to his problems at QB. He has put up some numbers, including 2 intercepts per game-that’ll get you two losses to start the season real quick. DeMarco, who had approx. 758 touches last year in a near-miraculous (for him) injury-free season has piled up 11 yards rushing to date. Do you have a driveway? I think mine might be 11 yards long but I’m not sure because I’m not accustomed to measuring a running back’s production in terms of the length of a driveway. The Eagles are at the Jets so I’m flipping a coin as to whether the Chipster’s squad makes a repeat appearance next week.

7. Indianapolis Colts:  Indy waltzed into Buffalo two weeks ago and got wham-bushed by the Bills, 27-14. To me the Colts looked a bit foalish. (I did something there) Last week against the Jets they squeaked out one TD score and nothing else. Is Luck still suffering PTSD from the AFL Championship Game last year? His absolutely gorgeous 58.9 QB rating screams “YES!”. So does his 3:5 TD to Int. ratio. A 4th year guy looking to be the face and neckbeard of the NFL in the years to come doesn’t just stumble into numbers like that, folks. Unfortunately, their stay here should be short one-they’ve got some playoffs to barely qualify for.

8. Baltimore Ravens: These guys are walking a tight rope with respect to staying on this Power Rankings list. They were expected to lose to the Broncs in wk. 1 and did so by a measly six points but then, out of nowhere they pulled a 33-37 how do you do against the Raiders. It takes huge, last minute balls to lose on a Derek Carr/Seth Roberts combo with 26 seconds to spare. The Ravens have never gone 0-3 so perhaps we’re looking at a bit of history against the Bengals this Sunday.

9. Seattle Seahawks: Well lookee here! The defending NFC champeens are REALLY slow out of the gate. They do get Kam Chancellor of the Exchequer back though he likely won’t play much this week. I’ve a notion that the ‘Hawks are not long for this list-they simply lack the not-talent to hang with the big boys above them. They’re playing the more highly-ranked Bears in Seattle on the week-end so it’s good bye it would seem.