Allow me a brief moment to React Reasonably, then we will speak no more of that Donks/Vikes abortion.  In my measured, humble opinion, the entire officiating crew are welcome to have sex with themselves, while their ded grandparents watch, after such time their genitalia shall turn green and fall off.  [The refs’ genitals, presumably. The deceased grandparents are likely already beyond such concerns].  Then, they might pick up said discarded genitalia, trade with a fellow zebra, and eat same.

Fortunately, there were other fixtures, though the early slate was kind of putrid.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Hippo is wise, but like the ancient Oracle at Delphi, he often speaks in a…cryptic…language that can require some interpretation. Thus, the Reverend Mayhem will be provide annotations where necessary]

One expected Ratbirds/500s [Ravens versus the “Texans”– referred to as the 500s due to some famous pornographic feat involving 500 wangs and a young lady named Houston. Or maybe it was in the Astrodome. I’m a bit unclear] to be first on Match of the Day, but Lamar! has been able to channel all that Presidential campaign experience into becoming a FITBAW demigod.  [Note to Merchandising- please look into trademarking “Lamarcules”]  Balmer also has a defense that harrassed TheShaun [Watson] effectively all afternoon.  It was another laugher, with Robert Griffin and Gus Edwards finishing off a 41-7 win.  WOW.  I’m not quite ready to proclaim them the best squadron in the League, but they are shit-hot right now. [Ghost Pepper Vodka Diarrhea hot].

If not for the SeaTruther QB (this is Russell Wilson’s bye week!) having a top-5 all-time season (per the advanced metrics fuckadoos) and the aforementioned flannel shirt guy [Lamar]?  We would be talking about whether America is ready for an MVP with processed ham for a head.  The only good thing ever to come out of Starkville, MS tossed it all over the Fuck Liouns’ secondary, compiling 444 yards and 3 scores.  It was a good week to go all balls-out [when isn’t it?] since the Non-Gendered defense allowed 27 points to Jeff Driskel.  As such, one can’t take them seriously as an NFC contender.  But they’ll be fun in their inevitable playoff loss.

And a Younghoe shall lead them.  Man, they should have tried that before the bye week!  As it is, ATL is 2-0 with they Younghoe [Koo, the Falcons’ replacement for Matt Bryant], 1-8 without.  There is no arguing with the maths.  One win in N’Awlins, followed by 29-3 blitzkrieg in Hippo’s hometown.  Easy peasy.  Oh, and it turns out that Kyle Allen kind of sucks.  Not like you’ve ever seen an out-of-nowhere backup QB perform well for a few weeks before, then fall off a cliff.  NO, THAT HAS NEVAR HAPPENED IN HUMAN HISTORY AND THE TALK RADIO JACKHOLES WERE RIGHT TO SHIT ON CAM.  Riverboat Ron [Rivera, nicknamed because network announcers are idiots] has dodged it several times, but the sack seems inevitable this go.

Maybe we won’t have to break up Fuck You, Dolphin! after all.  Buffalo really circles the wagons for opponents with 2 wins or less (as measured in mid-November), and the unlikely duo of Brokeback QB [JOSH ALLEN BITCHES WOOOOOOOO!] and Bleeding Kansas [John Brown- read a history book, you heathens] won a lot of fantasy matchups this week.  Unless like me, one only played the WR half out of sheer lunacy.  37-20 is your final, but the best part of the box score in Kalen Ballage going for 9 yards on 9 carries – but with a TD.  Rushing scores are 9 points in my money league’s system, so Mr. Ballage pulled off a Perfect Herman Cain!  What a season in South Beach. [WOOOO BILLS WOOOO! WE’RE GLEAMING THE CUUUUUBE!]

MOAR SHIT!  The Landover Redacteds [fuck those guys] might have a win, but they are easily the shittiest team (and not just morally) in the NFL. You just don’t get to pretend otherwise after getting your shit pushed in by the Adam Gase/Touch of Downs Jest.  [Harsh, but fair]  These fuckers have absolutely nothing (especially at QB, just ewwwwww), yet all they want to do is have a dick-measuring contest with holdout LT Trent Williams.  [Spoiler: Dan Snyder is smaller. Like, his entire height  versus Williams’ wang] I mean, you’ve obviously burned all bridges with him (and he’s at least 99.9999% in the right), almost everybody in the League needs at least ONE good tackle, he has ZERO chance to play on your next competitive team…and you hold onto the depreciating asset out of pure spite.  It’s too bad that it is literally impossible to lose money owning an NFL franchise.  Li’l Danny [Snyder- see above] could sure use some natural consequences.

I’m not sure I noticed anything in the Saints in their lazy, easy 34-17 win in Tampa.  Rapey Jameis put up his usual, empty numbers – while making his usual, idiotic mistakes.  Sean Payton’s crew is back to its usual, steely killing machine.

Give Indy their Brissett back, and the Humps [Fat Humps, aka the Indianapolis Colts and their fans] are just fine, thanks.  Jacoby made the plays he had to, and let the defense do the rest – including a Pick Two on a Q4 2-point try by Duuuuuuvvvvvval [the county were Jacksonville is located, so rendered because once residents start spelling, they can’t stop].  With the 500s losing, we are back to a tight, 2-horse race in the AFC South.  One should like the actual horsey squadron in that, yeah?  Anyway, I sure do.  I need sommet to feel positive about, as an NC State alumnus. [Truth]

Speaking of – Ryan Finley…uh, doesn’t have the “it” factor I thought.  He was less embarrassing than his offensive line, but he was still wretched.  The rest of the Bungles [self-explanatory] played their asses off, and deserved better than a 17-10 loss in the Black Hole. [Mike Brown deserves nothing]  But that’s life.  And somehow That’s Rikki’s Raiders! are tied for first in the AFC West, and would be the 6th seed as of now.  [Notorious Hollywood Producer Rikki-Tikki-Deadly is still on the books as our resident Raiders fan, NFL Boycott notwithstanding] I really don’t understand you, world.  Finley has really resurrected Beatie Mixon‘s career, though.  If only the Bills would get the memo that Zac Taylor apparently got, about feeding your talented RB. [Sad Trombone of Truth]

17-10 was the score du jour (or at least late jour), with the P*ts grinding out a nigh-unwatchable victory over the Iggles. [Fuck both these teams] To say nothing of the horrific (uncalled) OPI/legrolling takedown Edelman made on a Philly DB trying for a pickerception.  Dakota Jeebus [Carson Wentz, proud alumnus of um…one of the Dakota schools] is regressing badly, despite the problems with the WR corps. [More like “corpse”! Eh? Eh!] He’s just…not that good.  Easy to confuse.  And the team as a whole seems adrift, without any sort of identity.  Dreamboat [fuck that guy] was room temperature soup again, not that you’ll hear anyone in the media admit it.  Father Time comes for us all.  But Belicheat [self-explanatory, and fuck that guy] is legitimately a defensive genius, and 2019 is his best display of same.

Qardinals/Tomsulas [Arizona and San Francisco, the latter named for their late lamented Hobo Coach Jim Tomsula] was your bananacakes match, with Koach Kliff + Kyler taking a 16-nil lead, shitting it away, then going back up 26-23 with 6 and change to play.  They turned over Janeane [comedienne Janeane Garofalo, aka Jimmy Garoppolo] on the ensuing drive, but needed one MOAR first down than they could manage, to avoid giving the ball back.  Ms. Garafalo then redeemed herself with a “caught in a blitz/forgotten assignment” go-ahead score to Jeff Wilson (who?).  A bizarre sequence of events left AZ trying a Stanford Band play [playing “She’s Not There” during jury selection for OJ’s murder trial?], ending on a lineman chucking the ball off the turf towards his own goal line, allowing Santa Clara to tack on a defensive score with no time remaining.   It was quite silly, all around.  But it seems pretty crucial that the Tomsulas got out of their “SeaTruther hangover” game with a win, even a home win over the Qardinals.  Especially with Green Bay coming to town(-ish) for next week’s SNF matchup.

You see, Week 12 gets us a “flex” game.  Too bad NBC didn’t – or couldn’t – do so this week.  RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and Bearistocrats! looked like a legitimate exclamation pointer before the season started.  Now?  A shitshow of unspeakable proportions.  And the participants managed to outdo even my most scheisse-filled expectations.  Piniero praised Sha’nklor [Blessed Goddess of Missed Field Goals, holy be her doinkage] and Shank’lor in the first half alone, sandwiched around an unsuccessful 4th and 9 because Nagy didn’t trust him.  Baby Buster fucked up multiple times, but managed one good play to set up a 10-nil halftime lead.  Old crooner Leonard Cohen touched our perfect body with his mind…but there was no Verdad para Bollo [“Truth For Biscuit”, var. Mitch Trubisky] this Sunday night.