How’s it going, everyone? As I’m looking for things to keep me entertained, I have discovered two incredible time wasters.

The first is Tik Tok. I’m an old, so I had no idea this existed until my brother told me about it. Of course, he only knew about it because his teenage daughters are all over it. Suffice to say that it’s addicting. Just click on the types of videos you are interesting in viewing and the app takes care of the rest. Let me just say that there are A LOT of hot models in thongs…

The other one is Geoguessr. It’s a game where you must figure out where in the world you are based on a Google Street View picture. Sometimes you can zoom, sometimes you can move, and sometimes you can’t do anything. You get five pictures in each game. The closest you get to the actual location for each picture, the more points you score up to a perfect score of 5000. My best score is 22,766. It’s awesomely addicting.

You can thank me or curse at me in the comments.

Many things happened at DFO last week. Let’s talk about them.

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BC Dick’s Curling Updates

Our awesome Master Curler has come up with a wonderful idea to keep us in Hot Curling Content until the league comes back. He’s taken a page from Senor Weaselo and come up with a wonderful Women’s Curling Championship Poll.

Now, here’s a dilemma: The score is currently tied and I do not know what the tiebreaking procedures are! I will, as the rest of you will, have to anxiously await BC Dick’s update tomorrow to find out who won.

Thank you very much to BC Dick for putting this together!

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Viva La Tabula Raza’s Post

My first post on the Bond films of the 1960s published last week. Because he works for the gouvernment, Viva La Tabula Raza can’t access DFO during the day, so his comment was slightly delayed.

But boy was it awesome!

I wanted to have more people see it since it may have gotten lost in the Open Thread. It could, and probably should, have been its own post on DFO. I’m still trying to convince him to write for us. Here it is, in its entirety:

Some follow-on thoughts about Balls’ 1960s James Bond post from yesterday. I was quite the Bond enthusiast during my youth, and yesterday’s post got me to thinking about how influential the films were to young VLTR.

I don’t think I saw Dr. No when it came out, but I would have been three years old when it came out and maybe just don’t remember. I think when I finally saw it on VHS 20 years later, I was triggered by a couple of the scenes, like the three blind guys and Bond pulling the sea urchin spines out of Ursula’s foot, so I might have actually seen it in the theater. My old man was a big Bond fan, had all the Fleming paperbacks, so I guess it is possible he took me along to see Dr. No at the theater. He would not remember at this point.

I can remember my parents taking me to see From Russia With Love at the base theater at McClellan AFB in Sacramento, I must have been five or so. Some of the things that stuck with me were “Bond” getting killed by Robert Shaw at the beginning, the train fight of course, the helicopter and boat chase scenes, and Rosa Kleb’s pointy shoe knife. Really dug it even though I probably thought there was too much mushy smoochy stuff (I was five, for Chrissakes). Related, I lived at a small NATO intelligence gathering station about 90 miles southeast of Istanbul from 1970-73, my dad was the operations office for one of these https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AN/FLR-9 at a place called Karamursel. Being in middle school, we got to take field trips into Istanbul and I visited the Basilica Cistern on several occasions, where this scene was filmed. I didn’t care so much about the history of the cistern, I was just thrilled to be in a place where a Bond film was shot. Our field trip guide, the host nation teacher Mr. Ahmet Aksoy, always played up the Bond connection when we visited.

Saw Goldfinger at an outdoor screening at the Officer’s Club at Clark Air Base in the Philippines. Too many iconic scenes that stuck with me to list here, but I was very impressed despite the crappy viewing experience. I did have the Corgi Aston-Martin; they are pretty valuable these days.

Also inherited at a young age this album. Still have it, took these pix this morning. Not sure what the story is here, it’s obviously not Sean Connery there on the cover, nor do I recognize any of the Bond girls there, and that is not the official 007 logo there up top. Apparently my dad lent it out or took it to parties at some point, hence his writing on the back cover.

My grandad’s initials are on the back of this one (also still in my possession), so I must have inherited it when he got shipped off to the home back in 2010 at age 94 [he’d been living with me since 1996].

Saw Thunderball in the Philippines as well, but it must have been at the base theater rather than the O Club. I really dug the hell out of it. Still fetishize the Vulcan bomber to this day. My dad was a scuba diver, and even when I was six years old, he had initiated me into the thrill of snorkeling on the coral reefs up at Lingayen Gulf and down at Grande Island in Subic Bay, so all the underwater work on that one really made an impression on me.

I saw You Only Live Twice at the base theater at Fort Myers, VA, while my dad was stationed at the Naval Security Agency over on Nebraska Avenue in DC and we lived in Alexandria. I was a real NASA/Space Race geek as a kid, so this one really hit the sweet spot for me. By this time, I WAS James Bond. Had the lunch box, and a while back my mom showed me an old homework assignment I had turned in during 2nd or 3rd grade, it made me remember that I used to add a crudely rendered 007 logo under my name on all the schoolwork I had to turn in.

This is what my lunchbox looked like:

Had the 007 attaché case, as well as the Man from UNCLE rifle, both shown on this ad page.

I must have seen the David Niven/Woody Allen Casino Royale at Fort Myers as well. I was so fucking traumatized at the disrespectful treatment my hero was subjected to that I still haven’t gone back and revisited it, and never will. At age 8, I probably didn’t know the phrase “fuck that shit,” but if I had it’s probably what I would have told my dad.

By the time On Her Majesty’s Secret Service came out, my dad had transferred to the NSA at Fort Meade MD, so I must have seen it at the base theater there. As I mentioned yesterday, I was disappointed that Connery had moved on, but the action set pieces more than compensated for his absence. I even liked the soundtrack enough to buy it, though I can’t find it any more so no telling at what point over the last 50 years I lost it.

Looking back on the 1960s Bond films from today’s perspective, the inherent racism in the portrayal of various characters (can’t wait for Live and Let Die) and Bond’s casual slapping around and enthusiastic sexual assault of women are pretty disturbing for the modern day, but I don’t think they were over the top when compared to a lot of the other movies of the era. Couldn’t be made like that today.

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The Week in DFO

These are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

Let’s start things off with a note from one of my rich relatives:

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Me: “Okay, it’s your first time out on this multi-hill trail that you ran on last year. Repeat after me, “I will walk it, I promise.”
Other Me: “I will walk the trail, I promise.”
Me: “Good, good. Let’s go!”
/out on the trail
Me: “Remember, nice and easy.”
Other Me: “Uh, yeah-feeling really good though.”
Me: “We go thru this every year. Take it easy to start, otherwise you’ll injure yourself!”
Other Me: [breaks into jog]
Me: “Don’t Do This!”
Other Me: [starts to run] “Feelin’ fine, brother!”
/later, at the grocery store
Other Me: [rubs knee] “Jesus Christ! It’s so sore. Damn it!”
Me: “Really? Huh!”
Other Me: “Whatever. This’ll pass and it’ll be different next time.”
Me: “You’re the dumbest motherfucker ever. I’d quit you if I could, but I can’t. C’mere and kiss me.”
Other Me: “You, you want to kiss my knee?”
Me: “Sure, it’s a start.”
/Fin

scotchnaut

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Here on Holy Saturday, the most Holy Saturday in the Christian calendar, we must remember Our Savior’s words on this very Holy Saturday:
“Let me out of here! Hello?! Let me out! I’m not dead! Move this rock! I’ll cure you! Let me out!”

Brick

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So. Hello gentlemen and (potentially) ladies.
I’ve had social anxiety all my life, so hiding in my house all the time is nothing new to me. But I am starting to get bored out of my mind. I’m ready to heavily arm myself and take over a small country. Maybe Montserrat.

Big Black Richard

Have you considered Vatican City?

BFC

Vatican connection didn’t work out so well for me.
—Manuel Noriega

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Found a funny:
Wife *yelling from other room*: you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun*: good answer

h/t rockindog

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My bible toting, “The lord is my Shepard don’t you blaspheme around here” mother stepped on the duck and let one fly.
Not just a little mom toot like one would expect. No, it sounded like a firecracker. She fired off a god damn major league, college boy, shit your pants, cant stay in the same room nightmare death blast.
My dear sweet, saint of a mother created a gas bomb that was born deep in her internal organs. It smelled as if she had eaten eggs and a dead cat.
The windows rattled, the furniture moved, the floor was shaking with mad delight. It was like an earthquake. My hair flew back from my head as an evil brown wind blew mightily.
She gave just one tiny giggle, shook her left leg once more and then right back to ironing.

DJ Taj (read the whole post, it’s hilarious!)

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Quarantine cookies? Well, I suppose I could make some….
(oven timer goes off)
Quarantine cookies! FUCK YEAH!!!
(soon, lying on the floor covered in crumbs)
WHERE ALL ME COOKIES GO?

Dunstan

The only cookies left are the ones WordPress keeps asking for.

BeerGuyRob

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Kudos to CMC’s agent, got the most per year and limited it to 4 years where he can cash in on one final deal, assuming of course he can still walk after four years of rebuild.

Balding Spiritually

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Kyle Larson got fired today, which is only funny because he lost a “real” “sports” job by being a glorified shitty Twitch streamer doing a racism. Also, whole bunch of white people on Twitter very much think he’s getting treated unfairly.

Gratliff

Methinks that was not the first time he used that word. Also, you gonna “hard r” like that?

SonOfSpam

Kyre Rarson?

Moose

You need to tark to Hines Wald then. This is not my fault; I’m just the messenger.

Moose

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To be fair, these might be the first checks signed by Trump that don’t bounce.

Dunstan

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Just being a fat fuck is probably more important than anything I do or anyone I come in contact with in terms of getting and dying from covid. I won’t know for sure that I wasn’t given it by the positive person in my office until the middle of next week, so I guess I’ve got all that going for me.

Unsurprised

Get fluids. Get chicken soup. Get flu medicine. Get an inhaler. Just in case you got it. If not, donate the stuff so it can go to someone who needs it.
You got this! You’re not getting out of hell that easy!

Redshirt

Kudos on not asking for his porn collection too soon.

SonOfSpam

I’m assuming I’m included in his Last Will and Testament:
“To Redshirt, your quick wit and funny comments were a small spark of light in a dark world. To you, I bequeath one of my most beloved possessions: Deutsche Cheerleaderin IV: Sauerkraut Überall.”

Redshirt

That series was just going through the motions after III.

Horatio

Can one start with part IV or would they be lost if they skip the first three? Asking for a friend

Balding Spiritually

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The NCAA might try a version of MLB’s proposal. Just get all of the Division I football players and put them in one place. I believe some of those old farming establishments in the South have lots of room. The players could spend all day on the field, working out, and their nights in shacks right there on the planta… uh, campus.
When the 2021 draft draws near, NFL scouts could come by and check out the merchand… uh, scholar-athletes. You know, measure the height and weight and biceps and thighs. Check the teeth. Ask if their mother is a whore. The usual.

Dunstan

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I hope no one tells Trump that mass shootings and school shootings are way down, because he’ll be taking credit for that during his next clown show tomorrow.

Viva La Tabula Raza

March was the first school-shooting-free month since 2002.
DO BETTER, APRIL.

SonOfSpam

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I’m not saying I eat too much, but when I was single, I used to count the fortune cookies in my Chinese delivery to see how many people they thought I was.

Fronkenshteen

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I received an email tonight from facebook telling me I was suggested to join a group called “The Only Nation RAIDERNATION”.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly… WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?????

tWBS

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Did I get an air fryer today? Yes. Did I eat the first batch of hot wings out of it while leaning over the sink to avoid the work involved in using a plate? As I understand it, if the rest of the family doesn’t see it, it didn’t happen.

Gratliff

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Found a funny:
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

rockindog

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Mrs Sharkbait and I are building a fort in our living room. Just because

Sharkbait

Probably should name it Fort Knocks Before You Enter.
/#iknowwhatsgonnahappennext

scotchnaut

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The bridal outfits we NEED

Mr. Ayo

So someone else remembers the Sonny & Cher Variety Hour besides me!!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Sonny; he couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

Moose

How was the body found?
Sonny side up.

Moose

A tree turns out to be Sonny’s greatest hit.

Moose

It seems that the conservative Republican Congressman from California
is, after all, a tree hugger!

Moose

All of these replies need to be captured in Eventual Balls Thoughts post next week.

Mr. Ayo

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What can I say? I aim to please.

Thank you to everyone one for providing quality gifs to keep us entertained as we are quarantined in our homes. Now go take a bath, you filthy animals!

Please stay home and avoid other people. King Hippo approves this message. See you next week!