Under The Moosemas Tree (A HRTN Holiday Special, Part 1)

Narrator: The Under the Moosemas Tree Holiday Special was filmed before a live studio audience.

The scene: The DFO clubhouse. Future Moose is sitting alone on the couch, looking forlorn.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris enters, hauling in the top half of a huge holiday tree.

DTZM: Hey, Moose! Want to give me a hand with this thing?

Future Moose (forlornly): Sure, I guess.

DTZM and Future Moose haul the tree inside. It’s a good twelve feet tall, with massive branches.

DTZM: What do you think? It’s one of Zymm’s genetically-engineered pine trees.

Future Moose: It’s fine, I guess.

DTZM: Hey! Why so glum, chum? We’re getting into the holiday season here! A time to be merry and all that. I mean, I’m thankful already…you’re wearing pants!

Cue audience laughter

Future Moose: I know, it’s just that…I miss my home. My whole family is in the future, and this is usually my favorite time of the year. I mean, Moosemas, y’know?

DTZM: Boy, that is hard. Well, look…what do you normally do for Moosemas? Maybe we could add a few new traditions around here.

Future Moose (brightening up): Yeah! Well, we have Moosemas Carols, obviously. And there’s always the annual Moosemas Gladiatorial Games…and one year we invaded Venus!

DTZM: Whoa, whoa…that sounds great, but maybe we’d better start with a Moosemas Carol. It sounds less dangerous.

Cue audience laughter

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Doktor Zymm and Sill Bimmons enter from Zymm’s secret laboratory door.

Cue audience applause

Doktor Zymm: Zo! Ve could not help overhearink…poor Mooze! It ist hard to be avay from your loved vones durink ze holidays.

Sill Bimmons: Indeed! My sympathies, good friend Future Moose! Pray tell us, what canst we do to facilitate your good cheer and merriment?

DTZM: Well, we were just talking about…

Future Moose (hopefully): Gladiatorial games?

Cue audience laughter

DTZM (glaring): Moosemas Carols.

Sill Bimmons: Why, good songs and good friends…what more canst a man ask during this most joyous of seasons?

DTZM: Come on, Moose…start us off with one of your songs.

Cue audience applause

Future Moose: Well, OK…

Cue music, to the tune of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”

Future Moose (singing):

We wish you a Merry Moosemas

We wish you a Merry Moosemas

We wish you a Merry Moosemas

Please don’t vaporize our home!

The DFO members look uncomfortable.

DTZM: Umm…

Doktor Zymm: Vell…

Sill Bimmons: Mayhap thou hast a song that is…more celebratory?

Future Moose: Well, that is an older one. Maybe we could sing “We Give Things?”

DTZM: Sure! Just start us off.

Cue music, to the tune of “We Three Kings”

Future Moose (singing):

We give Moose things from near and from far

We order gifts through the Amazon Czar

Wine and coffee, miles of toffee

And a Road Warrior car

The entire DFO joins in the song.

Everyone (singing):

O Moose we wonder, on this night

Your dictatorship means that might makes right

Still it’s better, to live under fetters

Than lose to you in a fight

Future Moose (singing):

Born in a lab, that night it did rain

Programmed to have no feeling or pain

But Debbie Harry, made me merry

She opened my artificial brain

Everyone (singing):

O Moose you’re frightening, beyond compare

We’d rather face a rabid old bear

But you’re our good friend, till the very end

Even if you’re malware

Cue audience applause

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

WCS enters, holding a box full of bottles.

WCS: Hey, everyone!

Cue audience applause

Everyone (in unison): WCS!

DTZM: About time you showed up! Where have you been?

Sill Bimmons: Aye, we had become concerned by your continued absence.

WCS: Gee, I hope you guys weren’t worried.  But after that last Steelers game I was a bit depressed.

Sill Bimmons (nodding): Aye, indeed.  They have truly fallen from heights most lofty.

WCS: Right? So I was thinking…what’s the best cure for the holiday blahs?

Future Moose:  Conquering Europe?

Cue audience laughter

WCS: No, I was thinking more of this…

WCS pulls a bottle of bourbon out of the box.

Doktor Zymm:  Alcohol!

Sill Bimmons:  Huzzah!

DTZM (looking in the box): OK!  Well, we’ve got Jim Beam, Wild Turkey, Knob Creek, Booker’s, Elijah Craig…hey, WCS, did you bring anything but bourbon?

WCS (looking innocent): Umm…the liquor stores were out of everything else.

Cue audience laughter

There’s a knock on the door.

DTZM (opening door): Well, who could that be?

The Angry Girl Scout is standing outside the door, looking infuriated and holding several boxes of holiday cookies.

Cue audience applause

Angry Girl Scout: Hey, are you the knob who ordered the Christmas cookies?

Future Moose: Hey, about time!

DTZM: Moose, have you been online again?

Future Moose: Dude, I live online…literally.

Cue audience laughter

Sill Bimmons: ‘Tis the holiday season…mayhap we couldst do with a box or two of baked confections.

Angry Girl Scout: A box or two?  Chuckles, I have a gross of these things out here, and it’s cash on delivery.

DTZM: A gross?  That’s…

Doktor Zymm:  Vone-hundred und forty-four boxes.

Future Moose (shrugging): What can I say?  I have a sweet tooth.

Cue audience laughter

Narrator: Be sure to come back next week, for Part 2 of the Under the Moosemas Tree Holiday Special.