Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, #NuAIDS Season

Obviously, the leading thought is 2020 being 2020.  Team full of assholes, league full of woman and/or child beaters…and the one likeable Non-Gendered Cowperson has his ankle go where ankles should not go.  And stay there.  It was awful, hopefully he is able to resume his career in 2021, and stick his success way the fuck up Jerral’s ass.

Yet, Red Rocket took advantage of Los Gigantes being their best selves, getting a FG at the gun to win, 37-34.  First place in the NFC Least, at 2-3.  Which for that division…probably insurmountable.

For the Iggles were not able to build on their “two games unbeaten!” streak, not even salvaging a point away to the Yinzers.  You saw the good (going for 2 after a TD that cut the margin to 11, puts one in better position to win) and the bad (passing on a 4th down play, with only 5-6 yards to gain, for a 57-yard FG attempt in fucking Heinz Field) of Doug Pedersen, all in Q4.  One might recall his equally curious decision to happily play for a 60-yard FG in OT against Team WKRP.  For one thing…your odds of making the 4th down conversion are waaaaayyyyyy better than a FG of that distance, in that venue.  This would give you the chance to score a TD, and/or burn down the clock.  Had PHI made that prayer of a FG, there was a fuckton of time on the clock for The Ben to re-take the lead. And this was a 31-29 game at that point, hardly a defensive struggle.  Anyway, PIT promptly went down and scored 7 to pad the final margin.

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but the NFC Special Needs Division has quite the quartered backing problem.  Daniel Jones is like a baby deer, playing on new legs and greased up hands.  Kid is absolutely lost out there.  Dakota Jeebus has that stupid and stubborn combination that we’ve come to know and “love” during the Trump era.  Washington told it’s 2019 first round pick to go home (with a stomach bug cover story that nobody seems to believe) and stay away from the stadium.

Those Redacteds went to Alex Smith, who turned the match into a 3-hour Hallmark commercial.  He basically just stood back there are got plowed under for 2+ quarters.  9-17, 37 yards.  In a game not marred by weather.  And that’s the guy Rivera chose over a “cleared to return” Kyle Allen.  That franchise is uber-fucked.  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! mostly went into cruise control, winning 30-10.  Hey, at least Alex didn’t die.  Yet.

So…Red Rocket still represents, by far, the least problematic QB room in the East.  Yikes, what a shitshow.

No, you didn’t read the scoreboard wrong – Vegas really did put the clamps down on Mahomes-y, winning 40-32 in Arrowhead.  It was a fair result of the action on the pitch, too.  Familiarity DOES seem to help, at least somewhat, with slowing the Chefs offense.  But you can still pencil in KC for 12 or 13 wins, and the Raiders’ usual 7-to-9.  [UPDATE – See Rikki in the comments.]  Trust me on this.

I was leery of the Qardinals heading into the Meadowlands, but that was just being fucking stupid.  30-10, in a game I maybe saw 5 or 6 plays of.  No, 50-year old Joe Flacco isn’t much of an upgrade over Touch of Downs (out with shoulder owie).  Kyler still made several idiot plays, and this is not a squadron I see making any real noise.

I remember noticing the 27-nil scoreline, and observed that the Bungles’ defense was really playing their asses off.  Down by 4 scores, but given the chucklefuckery on the other side of the ball (90% due to a paper mache OL), it could have been 50 or 60.  Somehow, Team WKRP managed a garbage time FG.  27-3 is your final.  Baltimore remains maybe the “highest floor” team in the NFL.

Thought maybe the 500s would get that “new manager bump” today – especially on defense.  Not so much because Romeo Crennell is anything special, but just out of relief to be rid of Buttchinski.  Only thing I was right about, all day!  30-14 winners over the mulleted men of DUUUUVVVVVAAAAALLLLL.

Dan Quinn finally got put out of his misery, after his sad sack of a team fell to 0-5.  At home.  To the “hey, weren’t you supposed to go 2-14?” Black Panthers.  Matt Rhule certainly is doing magnificent work, getting all involved in a massive re-build to buy in, and at warp speed.  That’s 3 wins in a row, including 2 on the road.  Impressive, especially coming without their franchise player active.  23-16, with Teddy Ballgame giving another master class in game management.

I was also strangely confident in Janeane Garofolo’s return, and same sparking a nice little run for the Tomsulas.  Then, Miami absolutely beat them bloody.  43-17, in Santa Clara.  You never know exactly what you’ll get with the LOLfins, but Brian Flores is the other coach who is getting excellent buy in from a pretty low-talent roster.

That said, I am not making the ridiculous argument that talent doesn’t matter/you just have to WANT IT MOAR.  Neither Miami nor Charlotte will sniff the Superb Owl.  But coaching certainly does matter, and matter quite a bit.

Can you believe that #ThePauls have won four on the trot?  Me neither.  Baker Mayfield continues to look pretty bad, but the Humps and King Laserface were several orders of magnitude worse.  Might be time to switch back to Jacoby Brissett in the Land That Gravy Built.  32-23, nice palindrome score.  I appreciate at least that aspect of the game being aesthetically pleasing.

I wouldn’t say that the first half of SKOL/’Truthers was like watching paint dry, because that would be unfair to the paint.  Not that I am really criticizing – was an excellent game plan from Coach Zimmer and his staff.  Just…made for an awful watch for the neutral, especially after that mega-bummer of a late window.  Took the air completely out of Russell Wilson’s MVP campaign, and wore out Seattle’s defense.  13-nil seldom seemed so insurmountable.

And then Seattle got 21 points in the first half of Q3.  Bananas.  After which…everything went right back to first half formula.  Minny put up another 13, almost killed the entirety of the clock, but came up inches short outside the SEA 5.  Two minute warning allows Coach Zimmer to think.

Without drawing out all the probability maths…I don’t see any way one can criticize going for it.  It was wet and sloppy, great conditions for a miscue on the kick.  Even if you fade that, SEA gains at lest 20 yards of field position.  Backing someone up at their own 5 should be a death sentence, with 117 seconds and only one timeout.  Also…your OL and run game have been killing it all night.  Have to think you have at least a 75% shot at making the first down, and the game is 100% over.

Of course, Minny did NOT make it, and somehow only had man coverage on a 50-yard bomb down the sideline on 4th and 10.  As Lesser Footy announcers would say – just shambolic defending.

Wilson slung charm inside the 10, and it looked like the main danger was now scoring TOO FAST.  But DK Metcalf dropped a relatively easy pitch and catch on 2nd and goal.  Third down had no chance, with us Commentists all calling for a run play (the snap was with 24 seconds to play, even if you forgot SEA had a timeout – like I did – that’s plenty of time for 2 plays…with chaos as your ally.

Never mind, though.  Wilson tossed a dart through a purely theoretical window, and Metcalf redeemed hisself with an amazing, winning catch.

(Then Carroll did something stupid, THROWING for the two-pointer – with 15 seconds on the clock, there is no reason to risk a sack fumble, or a pickerception that Minny could run back.  But it fell incomplete, and SEA won 27-26 after a checkdown and a clusterfuck “empty hand” play).

All in all, not a super great week.  But that will just make the really bananacakes (in a good way) weeks all the better.  Hang in there, y’all.  Here is my favoUrite tune currently on the radio:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCDZKUESIPA