If you are a fan of placement kicking (and really, who ain’t??) then Week 5 was one of those “best of times/worst of times” combo platters.

You have to lead off with Bungles/Packers.  It was a reasonably good, even matchup before things went Bananacakes Plaid – but after Burrow and pals got the touchdown and two, tying things at 22?  Instant classic.  Astute commentists noted that WKRP scored too fast, and indeed GB took like 15 seconds to get inside the 25.  But things bogged down, forcing a FG try outside of 2:00.  The uber-reliable Mason Crosby missed.  Well, I say that, but they were on 22 because of an early missed extra point.

Now, Burrow quickly got his group across the 50, but then played as if they were inside the 20.  Short, safe plays.  On 4th and 3, 0:26 left, they opt for a 57-yard FG try.  BOING off the right upright.  Which leaves A.A. Ron with the ball and 21 seconds, needing only 15-20 yards to set up THEIR OWN placement attempt.  Rodgers does his part, Crosby yanks it wide left AGAIN.  22-22, headed to Extra Time.  Cincy wins the toss, and Burrow promptly hits an open Packer in the flat.  Now, we are in sudden death, but one still expects GB to lean into their strengths.  Davante Adams would go over 200 yards receiving today.

You’d be wrong, they ran BACKWARDS on 2nd down, then kicked the “winner” on 3rd.  Which was no winner at all, wide left yet again from 40.  Redemption time FOAR Burrow!  Again, he gets his team inside the 40, and Cincy’s staff proves their non-existent learning curve is just as strong as their opponents.  They settle for a 49-yard attempt, which hits the little flag to the OUTSIDE of the upright.  Perhaps they thought there was some strange “hitting the pylon” rule, for the kicking team celebrated.  But no, that’s a miss.  ONWARD TO INEVITABLE DRAW, we all hoped.

But A.A. Ron made a remarkable throw to convert a 3rd and 16.  Except they DID NOT rule a conversion, a dicey spot leaving them inches short.  Somehow, review upholds it.  Ball on 32, surely they’ll sneak it, at least run a few more plays and run out the clock?  You know, make it an easier kick, and take away Cincy’s ability to respond if you fuck up again?  Or shit, KEEP TRYING FOR SIX?

Nope, they try from just inside 50, but our beloved chaos ended with a Crosby make.  Sad Clubhouse.

P*ts and 500s did something I am pretty sure I have never seen before – all three first half TDs ended in MISSED extra points.  This was no “weather game” – in fact, it was played indoors.  15-9 at the half, after each team somehow made a FG.  HOUSTON in the lead.  Which they promptly extended to 22-9, throwing deep repeatedly with Davis Mills…turning surprisingly competent.  Then, they blew it, no doubt allowing The Legend of White Mac to gain Narrative points, though it was undeserved.  25-22, bad guys over 80s rock band (i.e., The Pretenders).

I shouldn’t even have to recap the London fixture, since y’all all no doubt watched every minute, per Clubhouse regulations.  Not much happened, with the Jest only showing up for the 2nd half, and not being good enough to climb out of the hole (PHRASING) in such fashion.  Even against the Matty Ice Falcons.  27-20, a fair reflection of the balance of play (Brits like saying that).

Clock strikes midnight for Touch of Downs, as he absolutely shat all over his home pitch, losing 21-18 to the nigh-equally bad Jalen Hurts and his Iggles.  Hurts – 5.4 YPA and a pickerception (and one snap misfortune Keystone Kops safety).  But, at least ran in two (which has been Darnold’s move).  But not today.  He did pass for one score…but THREE picks and 4.8 YPA is some Old School Darnold.

As Armed and Hammered rightly noted, El Tractorcito‘s possum tail has morphed into more of an alligator tail.  That man is absolutely terrifying, and I can only imagine what it’s like trying to tackle him.  Especially in Q4.  29 totes for a buck-thirty, 3 scores.  Ho hum, another day at the office.  37-19, Titans over Jaguras.

I mentioned heroics?  Greg Joseph wasn’t perfect, but he saved the Vikings from themselves.  Namely, from Captain Dingleberry, who apparently can’t be trusted to make plays, even home to the No-Fuck Lions.  Founding Fathers took a swing pass in for a late Q2 TD – which would be their ONLY end zone trip for the day.  It didn’t look like it would matter, taking over possession under 5:00 with a 16-6 lead (thanks to a 55-yarder from Joseph on the prior possession).  But…it did.  Three and out, followed by a 47 second FG drive.  Weird, but true.  DET kicked off deep, knowing the best they’d likely do is get it back with maybe 1:05 left.  Even on 3rd and long, no trust in Dingleberry and his elite WRs.  They ran off-tackle…and Founding Fathers got stripped.  Now, it’s 1:50 and a short field.  Swift runs in the tying score, except that DET decides to go for two and GETS it.  17-16, and Minny’s season looks ded.

But two slant/seam completions and a spike (don’t those always seem wide open) gave Joseph a chance from 54, and he drilled it.  Man, is it ever a good thing nobody cares about the Lions.  That was rough.

There’s shooting yourself in the dick, and there’s what my Donks (no WOO!!!) did in Western Pennsylvania today.  The Ben had almost no feeling in his THROWING HAND, but they let Najee Harris run hog wild, got a dumbass personal foul on a PIT field goal (turning 3 into 7), digging a 24-6 hole.  Two semi-garbage time scores cut it to 24-19, and they had a long shot to pull level after giving up three more.  But too little, too late.  27-19 is your final, and Denver looks 8-8, back in line with pre-season expectations.  At least Teddy Ballgame didn’t die?

Team MRSA let their old man pad his stats against the helpless LOLfins.  Eat shit.  45-17, final.

Rapey Jameis had another one of his weird games, where all he did was (i) fuck up; or (ii) throw TDs.  Seriously, no in-between.  The Redacteds comtinued to be awful, losing at him to said man-child, 33-22.

Shameful, but I napped a bit during the 4p window (teevee stayed on at all times, and my brain kept rough tally of the proceedings, in between fever dreams).  You really only got one slice of bananacakes, with Clippers du Merde winning a wild shootout with #ThePauls, 47-42.  Chubb and KHunt were exploding all over the pitch (as were David Njoku, and some guy named Peoples-Jones*??), and you expected Believeland to run out the clock after nae-SD kicker missed his SECOND extra point of the game, 42-41 with 3 and change to play.  But they got no yards on first or second down, then seemed content to run off tackle on 3rd and 10 and punt back to Herbert the Duck.  WHY???  Anyhow, high comedy ensued, as the Spanoi converted first down after first down.  They tried to run the clock out, to kick a FG at the gun.  But with 1:40 or so to play, the CLE defense reverse-Bush-pushed Ekeler INTO the end zone.  Which would have been magnificent, if Baker Mayfield could do anything with the ball.  He couldn’t.

*not to be confused with “people Jones” – which is what hits Scotchy’s craving menu, every Spring thaw.

Poor Gigantes.  All their receivers were ded already, and they lost BOTH Saquon and Dimebag in JerryWorld.  That team is fucked.  Just fully, unequivocably fucked.  The N-GCp were their delightful, villainous selves, running up the score and terrorizing a poor Giraffe.  There was even a brief slapfight!  44-20, Dallas.  I’d beware that follow-up trip to Joisey, though.

WE GOT A J PETERMAN sighting in Vegas!  Though Emo Carr turned out only to be ded inside, returning to the “action.”  The Bearistocrats! won on the road, 20-9.  No word as to any 1950s-trope physiological depictions from THAT GUY Gruden after the game.

Trey Lance didn’t die, but he sucked.  Kyler Murray sucked too, but he could at least just wing it for DeAndre Hopkins.  On this day, ’twas enough.  17-10 to the home Qards.  Tomsulas looked like room temperature oatmeal.

Bills/Chefs!  Ain’t that a fine treat for lasting until the end of our marathon.  I has hopding faint hopes in money league until Bills Mafia got a long Dawson Knox TD, going up 24-10.  I will keep watching because mandatory, but that’s all the recapping for my tilted arse.  And I’m firing up Football Manager.