Welcome to The One Where Everybody Was On Bye.

A challenging week for teevee coverage, given 6 squadrons on bye, and several…charitably-called less than marquee matchups.  But there were two that FITBAW enthusiasts had their eye on – and naturally, both games aired in the same goddamned broadcast window, and on the same goddamned network.

As it would turn out, both headliner games turned into second half blowouts, just not in the way anyone realistically expected.

DonT warned us before the game – his Glorious Tits were gimpy as fuck at CB.  Facing Pat Mahomes, Tryeek Hill, Travis Kelce, and Andy Reid.  And as it so happened, Kansas City kept el Tractorcito under 100 rushing, under 3.0 YPA, AND out of the end zone.

What could go wrong?  Everything else.  Tennessee concluded its first drive with Henry PASSING for a touchdown.  Quite nice touch, even.  Then Mahomes did his best Dimebag impression, fumbling twice and tossing a pickerception (apparently the first Chef to go 6 straight with INT since Cassel-vania).  Reid finally pulled him from the game after a painful-looking “Lucky Pierre” hit, and if anything…the final 27-3 line flattered to deceive.  Tennessee surely could have made it worse if so inclined.  KC was lucky to score at all.

We did get clarity on who Hippo favoUrs to represent the AFC in the Owl this winter.  As you no doubt anticipated, the class of the AFC is now…the Cincinnati Bengals??  Yes, it sounds weird.  But it’s 100% true.  They are the only AFC team without a conference loss.  They also now have one hell of a tiebreaker advantage, courtesy of their 41-17 win in Baltimore.  Remember some asshole (blushes in WASP) on DFO talking about how dumb it was to take a WR with the 5th pick over “generational LT” Penei Sewell?  Uh, Ja’Marr Chase just might make it after all.  He’s a human cheat code, and he has it all.  Speed, hands (yes, HANDS – that pre-season “issue” seems a million miles away), body control, route running.  201 yards and a score, on a play that simply must be seen to be appreciated.  And the DEFENSE?  Completely contained and frustrated Lamar! all day long, so much so that Harbs waved the white flag with 7 minutes to play.  My fantasy squadron appreciated the lack of Lamar! garbagePOINTZ.

Speaking of fantasy, anyone else (but Gumby and Hippo) have to start The Legend of White Mac?  That worked out a lot better than expected, especially when New England went up 14-zip with Jones having thrown all of 3 passes.  But Grumblelord hates the Jets more than he hates fantasy footballers, and he didn’t take his foot of the gas.  Even let the rookie off the leash a bit, finishing over 300 and with two scores.  Even when starters departed, P*ts kept on scoring.  54-13 was the final tally, with something called Mike White playing most of the way at QB (after Wilson’s magic undies couldn’t protect his knee from a rushing Judon).

Green Bay beat the Redacteds 24-10, in a game as dull as the scoreline indicates.  Absolutely nothing of interest happened, at least that I noticed.

Believe it or not, Joisey’s finest now has TWO wins!  That’s right, Charlotte couldn’t protect their early 3-nil lead, and presumably will up their trade offer for the best available (alleged) sex offender before the trade deadline.  Touch of Downs got pulled early in Q4, and I don’t see how they go back to him.  90s alterative queen PJ Harvey finished out the 25-3 loss.  Dimebag even made a spectacular one-handed catch on a bit of trickeration.  Today was weird, y’all.

Game 6 of the early window?  The only competitive contest!  Back and forth ATL and MIA went, along with the Brittfar-ish ups and downs and slapdickery of Tua.  Who might be starting HIS last game, if the LOLfins land the (alleged) sex offender instead.  Sherman’s Ashes blew a 13-point lead in Q4, but their newfound appreciation of Kyle Pitts allowed them to march down the field easily for the winning FG, 30-28.  You can always count on a Younghoe to come good in the end.

Somehow, with 3 fewer games overall, we got a 4th tilt in the late window (ie, one MOAR than last week).  This would…not really result in extra viewing enjoyment.

Surprise fun game of the day, though – the Baby Buster VENGEANCE trip west.  Detroit might not be worth a tin shit, but they at least leave it all on the pitch.  They faked TWO punts (2 for 2 success rate), and called for a surprise onside kick after their opening drive TD (also successful).  Shockingly, they went ahead 10-zip in the first quarter, 13-3 in the second, and 19-17 as the third quarter ended.  Unfortunately, Q4 was one too many for the game No-Fuck Lions, as Fat Stafford got the last laugh.  TD, 2-pointer, and Big Gay FG put the game to bed, 28-19.  But fuck a duck, RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! had to work for it, and then some.  Th’Andre Swift might be really good.  Too bad the franchise needs pretty much everything other than a tailback.

You have to feel bad for the people of Chi**** – with winter approaching, they just want the tiniest bit of hope to keep them warm.  But Jumpin’ Jesus on a Pogo Stick, Strawberry Fields is just awful.  And as clueless as Matt Nagy is in general, perhaps he had a point in wanting to stick with Red Rocket.  You ain’t winning fuck shit with THIS particular rookie.  Judging tOSU QBs is perhaps the most thankless/hopeless of tasks.  Time to burn it down and start over, Bearistocrats!  38-3, and MRSA Dreamboat can and should eat all the shit.

Those plucky 500s made things interesting.  For about a quarter and a third, anyway.  Too bad the game doesn’t end if one gets a 5-nil lead.  Eventually, the Qards woke up, scored 31 of their own for the Most Glorious Scorinami – in a game that otherwise had nothing of interest to speak of.

Philly scored the first TD in Vegas, but then rolled over and played ded.  33-22, That’s Rikki’s Raiders! – everyone pitching in to help make up for late scratch Darren Waller.  As heartwarming as you’ll get, without entering Very Special Episode territory.  Jalen Hurts is fantasy-adequate, but frighteningly turrible in FOAR REELZ.

That leaves just Sunday Night Footy, in a rainy, windy not-Candlestick Park.  The Humps (and even Dakota Jeebus) have had a pulse of late, making this one theoretically interesting.  And it WAS kind of interesting, with things getting all goofy (especially with ball security PHRASING) after a fairly normal Q1.  Dakota Jeebus made the dumbest pickerception you’ll ever see, but came back to run/slip-n-slide in the go-ahead score right before half.  No-go on the two, but Humps lead 13-12 at the break.  And who/how could there be any MOAR scoring on that sodden pitch?

***Intermission – GET FUCKED AND DIE IN A FIRE, PRE-HALLOWEEN WAL-MART CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL***

And there would be plenty of additional scoring!  Jeanine brought her Tomsulas to within 2, but could not complete the tying conversion.  Humps then somehow managed a medium-long FG and a medium-long passing TD in Q4, for 30-18 fin.  2-4 Santa Clara is ded, 3-4 Indy is very much alive.