SEMI-SUBSTANTIVE FOOTBALL HAPPENINGS, PEOPLE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

The last NFL players are in training camp today, meaning that HOT CAMP ACTION that doesn’t involve which counselors got caught naked in the boat shed.

At least I really hope not. Remember, we’re coming up on the anniversary of now-Chiefs assistant Joe Cullen’s Nude Frosty Frenzy.

NFL NEWS!:

*Well, when I say the last players are in camp, that’s not quite accurate.  Refusing to report to training camp is the last conventional weapon in the arsenal of a player who is unhappy with their contract, and we have a couple exercising that option in whole or in part:

• Roquan Smith, Chicago Bears: The fifth-year star of the Bears defense is at camp, but will not take part in practices.  This is apparently a new form of holdout called a “hold-in”. It avoids the onerous fines of not reporting while still gumming up the works a bit. Smith was arguably Ryan Pace’s best defensive draft pick and is a two-time second-team All Pro.  The parties are allegedly very far apart on the terms of a new deal.
• Jessie Bates, Cincinnati Bengals: Total no-show, as was expected. Bates was slapped with the franchise tag but has yet to sign his tender, meaning that there are no fines for failure to show.  Bates (who made second-team All Pro and was central to the Bengals surprise Super Bowl run) is in search of a long-term deal.  Smith and Bates are in similarly tough positions: both are very good at positions (inside linebacker and free safety) that have lost much of their perceived value in the last ten years, despite being some of the most punishing to play.  They also have the disadvantage of playing for teams which have signaled an unwillingness to spend while rebuilding (Bears) or being owned by Mike Brown (Bengals).  Unlike…
• Orlando Brown Jr., Kansas City Chiefs: This is the headscratcher.  He is also not present, on a franchise tag situation like Bates.  Brown plays a premium position (left tackle) on a team in the middle of its competitive window. The Chiefs are a team that has not generally been shy about throwing money where they think it is deserved, and which sent a valuable first-round pick to Baltimore to acquire last year.  Maybe they are low-balling him because the franchise tag doesn’t get prohibitively expensive until 2024.  Maybe he thinks he’s the second-coming of Orlando Pace when he’s mostly just solid.  This will be interesting, because Brown has the potential to sit real games.

*Kyler Murray needs study hall.  At least that’s what his new contract says. In what may be an NFL first, his shiny new $230 million has an “independent study” requirement, where he has to spend at least 4 hours per game week studying film outside normal team meetings.  Per ESPN:

According to the contract, Murray will need to study “material provided to him by the Club in order to prepare for the Club’s next upcoming game.” Murray will receive “credit” for completing his film study, according to the contract. However, the addendum states the time that Murray spends in mandatory meetings studying does not count and that Murray also won’t receive credit if he does not “personally study the provided material in good faith.”

It also requires that he won’t get credit for the film study if he “plays on his tablet or if he’s doing something that can distract him or draw his attention elsewhere while the material is playing, such as playing video games, watching TV or browsing the internet.”  Failure to do so would render him in default of contract, which (depending on other language we are not privy to) could mean penalties or could void the deal.

That’s…uh…not reassuring if you’re a fan of the Cardinals or short QBs.  I’m never going to go Sports Talk Radio Caller and demand that every guy on the team be a tape-eating freak who only leaves the facility for funerals.  And sometimes you put provisions in a contract just to be safe, even if you believe the other side would do it without a contractual obligation.  But they know who Murray is as a player and a person, and this one is weirdly specific. The kind of detailed close-the-loopholes specificity you would have to resort to in order to get a half-clever teenager to study.  And no matter how talented your quarterback might be, it is kind of reasonable to ask that he be 1. something of a self-starter, or 2. motivated enough by the ungodly amount of money he’s about to be paid to pay attention for 40 minutes per non-game-day during the season.

*Darius Leonard is Darius Leonard no more! He would now like us to call him by his middle name: Shaquille.  Apparently growing up he only got called Darius when he was in trouble, but he was too intimidated entering the league to correct anyone who called him by his legal first name.

*Joe Burrow is gonna have surgery to remove his appendix.  This is a blow to Bengals fans, who believed that Cincinnati’s extensive efforts to upgrade last year’s woeful offensive line would bear fruit.  “If they can’t protect his appendix, what happens when Khalil Mack comes in from his blindside?” asked one sports radio caller.

*The Corpse of Julio Jones has signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. No doubt Alex Guerrero has something that will perk him right up…

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

Jack Shit.  TSN and ESPN 2 are showing some made-up horseshit called The Basketball Tournament. ESPN is showing high school shit.

Go for a walk, unless it’s 105 degrees or your city is completely underwater.  In which case go for a swim.