(Featured image is Landon Donovan’s incredible injury time goal versus Algeria to put the USMNT through to the knockout round in 2010.  It was amazing)

The America men return to the World Cup for the first time since 2014, having missed the 2018 Russian tournament thanks to a humiliating loss to Trinidad & Tobago.  The US reacted by firing their head coach, (some German guy), and hiring Gregg Berhalter, whose most recent experience was coaching in MLS, a league well known for having the type of quality players needed to make a deep run in the World Cup, except exactly the opposite.

Nonetheless, the USMNT persisted through qualifying, finishing third in the CONCACAF behind Mexico and…Canada (HELL YEAH!)?  That can’t possibly be right.  /Holds hand to ear piece/. No, no, I’m being told by several irate Canadiens in the DFO clubhouse that Canada did in fact outpoint the US during qualifying.  Truly the world has turned upside down. (Next thing you know Rand McNally will qualify in S. America)

The US heads to this World Cup with a very young team.  Perusing my source, (see below), I made note of only a couple of players in their 30’s, and most seem to be 25 or younger.  That tells me two things:  1) they’ll be able to run and run and run and run, potentially dragging down older teams, (England, Wales), and 2) they’re probably better suited for a deep run in 2026, when the tournament comes to North America, than they are for a deep run in Qatar.  And if you think that’s a coincidence then I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I would very much like to sell you.

The flip side of all this youth is that you don’t have a lot of experience, almost none when it comes to the actual World Cup.  Berhalter’s tinkering has also resulted in the World Cup squad not getting a lot of time together as a (heh) unit.  For instance, while the US is currently on an unprecedented three-game winning streak against El Tri, the first two wins came with almost completely different US squads.  While this is probably true for most national teams it seems especially true that the US has the potential to go out there and play like 11 guys picked at random for an intramural game between dorms.  And that rarely goes well.

As for the squad itself, there’s some thought that they’ll be fine as long as Berhalter confines himself to making inspiring speeches and not concerning himself with tactics.  It’s gotten Ted Lasso two seasons and probably a third, so maybe it can get the US a couple of wins.

When it comes to players we have Christian Pulisic as the face of the squad.

And a punchable face it is.

He probably is the best player on the team and, at 25, he’s also a veteran and certainly by far the most well known.  The problem is he’s also not very good.  He had a decent career in Germany, then came to Chelsea for a $73 million transfer fee and since then he’s been, well, is “whelming” even a word?  He’s been fine, that what he’s been, fine.  He’s a nice player, even a good player, but he is not a great player and if he’s the best player on your national team, (and he might be), you’re not going to the semis.

They don’t have a striker.  This is a problem in any sport in which one must strike something in order to earn goals.  You need a striker, the US does not have a reliable striker.

I used to love Jozy Altidore.  Today I learned he’s 33 and warming a bench for Puebla in Liga MX. (Litre – Hell yeah he does, Vamos you sweet potato eaters)

That’s sad.  I wonder if he feels like running over to Qatar for a few games.

My sources inform me that the US has a very young midfield that could provide some breakout stars, including Brenden Aaronson of Leeds, and Yunus Musah of Valencia.

(side note, the World Cup is better with Jamaica in it)

They also have Tim Weah, an inexperienced winger (Lille) whose name I recognize because his father, George Weah, was at one time considered the best soccer player in the world and turned that into becoming the President of Liberia.  Is Tim any good?  Hell if I know, but that’s a cool story.

(Tim’s on the left)

As for the defense, my recollection of past USMNT defense schemes is that running around like someone just shoved an M-80 into your anthill and now you have to find the Queen, find the Queen, ohmygodwhereisthequeenifwedon’tfindthequeenwe’reallgonnadie! is generally not conducive to thwarting a determined attack from the likes of Germany.  Apparently the top 2 US defender, Miles Robinson and Chris Richards, are out injured, so we’re off to a flying stop there before even leaving our native soil.

The US has two players from Fulham, Tim Ream and Antonee, (“hmm, sounds kinda ethnic” says your uncle after a couple too many cocktails during Thanksgiving), Robinson.  I’ve reached out to our own White Supremac…uh, Fulham Supporter, Litre Cola for comments as to their abilities.

Why hello there. First things first I hope the US does well because it gives the sport a higher profile in the US. That being said MLS attendance is waaay higher on average than I thought. 

Yes, the Yanks have 2 Fulham players and I love them both.

Tim Ream was not supposed to be here for a few different reasons. Hell, Mighty Whitey supporters had written him off as old, slow and thought that he was going to get beat day in and day out at the Cottage. Tim is 35 years old been with Fulham for 6 or 7 years, and if you have been around enough on Saturday mornings you know that Mighty Whitey has been a yo-yo club the last 6 years as well. Tim has always been good enough to be a force cb in the C’ship, but has always looked a step behind in the Prem. Fulham fans were clamoUring for a replacement to pair with Tosin in the offseason, so we bought Diop from Fronk’s Hammers. Well, Tim has been the best of the 3. He’s a fucking rock back there and his smarts have made up for his lack of pace. Everyone and their dog was asking for his inclusion in the American team through the beginning of this years domestic season but Gregggggggg and he are not mates. His form has been so damn good that cooch had to include him against his dislike for the outspoken player. Please do not break him.

Horatio:  Litre makes a good point about Greggggggg, who has been criticized for his selections, (perceived favoritism/perceived disdain), having more to do with personality than skill, and for trying to force his club system on a team that does not play together long enough for a club system to make sense.  If the US doesn’t advance past the first round I think Berhalter is gone, even if the overall program does seem more set up for 2026 than 2022.

Antoneeeeeee Robinson is young, fast, and quite skilled. Like Ream, many questioned if he had the poise and brains to keep up in the Premier League this season. Well, he’s flourished and been an excellent surprise for those at the Cottage. He starts every matchday and his pace up the wing from the back 4 is amazing. He’s improving his crosses (You have no big striker though)

Horatio:  This is the only Stryker we need:

and working on his marking but in your group he can hang with anyone. My only worry is if he has to mark Phil Foden where he’ll need help which would leave openings for Kane and crew. He has lost his head once this season with a harsh two footed tackle so his futbol brain is still developing but beware. Please do not break him.

P.S. Clint Dempsey is a God.

The US is playing in Group B, with England, Iran, (who says FIFA doesn’t have a sense of humor?), and Wales.  Let’s break that down real quick.  (all games 2:00 pm EST)

11/21 vs. Wales.  Wales is an older team with a lot of spirt and not a lot of vowels.  They’ll play hard, and as this is their first game Gareth Bale, (an incredibly old 33), will presumably have fresh legs and be at his best.  The US should win but that scent in the air isn’t sheep shit, it’s a possible upset.

11/25  vs. England.  England is one of the favoUrites to win the whole shebang.  If they get to the quarters we can look forward to interminable chants of “It’s coming home” even though “it” is the World Cup Trophy and if “it” does have a “home” it’s in Brazil.  On paper this isn’t close, and England much more talented and experienced team should have a decided advantage in all aspects not having to do with dentistry.  That said, the US has a weird way of playing much better against England in the World Cup than they should, and if I recall correctly, (way too lazy to look it up), there was some dissatisfaction with the way England’s gaffer was tactically deploying his immensely talented assets.  Could another US upset be in the offing?  I don’t think the US can beat England, (FIFA would never let that happen outside of North America anyway), but I wouldn’t rule out a draw.  Which would be an upset.

11/29. vs.  Iran.  On the one hand you have a plucky bunch of underdogs trying to prevail despite dealing with rising theocratic fascism at home, and on the other hand you have Iran.  While the Red Wave expected for the mid-terms thankfully fizzled out, (for the betterment of the country, if not that punch line, which I’m keeping in because I really liked it and I came up with it in the shower and now you’re stuck with that image, so there), the Iranian team has distractions of its own to deal with.  It may or may not affect their overall tournament performance but I suspect that Team Melli, (“The National Team” in Persian), will be good and focused when taking the pitch against The Great Satan.  Again.

Overall I think this edition of the USMNT is a little before its time in this World Cup.  The thinking seems to be that they’re the lock for second place in Group B, advancing to the knockout rounds.  Reading up on them and looking at their draw, especially the timing of the games, (a fresh Wales, a just-plain-better England, a fired-up and likely nothing-else-to-play-for Iran), I don’t like their chances.  I’m seeing 1-1-1 and failing to advance on goal differential, but also laying a foundation, (assuming US Soccer can display a little patience), for a much better showing in 2026.  I will root otherwise, because at heart I am a jingoistic SOB when it comes to international sporting events, but this World Cup, for the USMNT, (the only nicknames I could find were The Yanks or The Stars and Stripes which, c’mon, are as lame as Denmark’s), is probably best viewed as a stepping stone to the future.

Sources are here, here, here, here, and here, as well as linked to above.  Litre’s sources are watching Fulham games and throwing things at the TV.