Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 39)

The scene: Inside Professor Po’s secret base, where the DFOers are scrambling madly down the hallway as the entire facility rumbles ominously.

Doktor Zymm: Hurry! If zis is vat I zink it ist…

Yeah Right: What do you think it is?

Doktor Zymm: I believe Perzy is launching a mizzile, or perhaps a rocket.

Horatio Cornblower: That’s gotta be bad, right?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, he vas on ze verge of telling me his grand plan before zomeone burst in…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Hortaio Cornblower: It’s okay, pal. Some people just don’t how to say thank you.

Doktor Zymm: Meine point ist, vatever his plans, zat rocket…

Yeah Right: Or missile!

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Ja, ja…or mizzile…ist part of it.

As the rumbling gets louder, the DFOers run around a corner, and see a solid steel double door ahead.

King Hippo: C’mon, Moosemas Gorilla, we got this!

Doktor Zymm: Vait…

Moosemas Gorilla and King Hippo race to the door. They wedge their fingers into the crack and pull. Gears strain and creak as, inch by inch, they force the door open.

Horatio Cornblower (on Moosemas Gorilla’s shoulder): You can do it, pal!

Yeah Right (lending a hand): It’s gonna take more than a steel door to stop us!

Covalent Blonde (standing back next to Zymm): Should we tell them the controls are, like, right there on the wall? I mean, there’s a big green button that says “Open.”

Doktor Zymm: Nein, ze boyz vill be boyz. Let zem get it out of zere zystems.

With a final metallic shriek the doors fly open. The male DFOers give high-fives all around.

King Hippo (pounding his chest): Dat’s right, ain’t no door gonna stop us!

Yeah Right: Who da man? We da man!

Horatio Cornblower (calling to Zymm and Covalent Blonde): Let’s go, you guys! We haven’t got all day here!

Covalent Blonde (to Zymm): Do you ever wonder if all that testosterone just melts their brains?

Doktor Zymm: All ze time…

The DFOers go through the doors and enter a yuuuge room, full of computers and equipment and blinking lights. It’s all pretty technical and complex. Several technicians looks up from their posts. There’s a yuuuge view screen on the wall, and Professor Po, in a space suit is glaring down at the DFOers from it. Bun-bun the Capuchin monkey, also in a space suit, is on his shoulder.

Bun-bun: Eep-eep!

Professor Po: It’s all right, Bun-bun. They can’t stop us now. No one can stop us now! Bwahahahaha!

Yeah Right (peering up at the view screen): That guy looks creepy when he laughs.

Horatio Cornblower: And did you notice the mole on his eyebrow?

Yeah Right: His face is fifty feet tall right now. It’s hard to miss.

Covalent Blonde: He should really get that looked at.

Doktor Zymm (to the view screen): Perzy, vat have you done?

Professor Po: Done, Zymm? Why I have sealed the world’s doom! That’s right! I, Percival Eugene Po…

Yeah Right: Eugene?

King Hippo: Heh.

Professor Po: What? It was my grandfather’s name.

King Hippo: I used ta beat up a Eugene in grade school.

Yeah Right: Hey, me too!

Covalent Blonde (skeptical): Really?

Yeah Right: Well, I mean, I was in fourth grade and he was in second, but…

Doktor Zymm: Perzy, it’s not too late to ztop zis madness.

Professor Po: That’s where you’re wrong, Zymm! The launch codes are set, and my rocket will launch in a mere…

Professor Po glances down.

Professor Po (irritated): Huh. My chronometer stopped. Do any of you have the time?

Everyone glances around, shrugging.

Professor Po (getting really irritated): Look, doesn’t anyone there have a watch?

The technicians shrug. The DFOers shake their heads. An uncomfortable silence falls on the room as the fifty-foot tall Po glares down from the view screen. Finally, one of the technicians pulls out his cell phone.

Technician: I, uh…have my phone…?

Professor Po (less irritated): Well, good! Then call information and give me the time.

Technician: No, I mean…it has a clock. A digital one.

Professor Po (impressed): Really? Your phone? Here, turn that towards me, I want to see that.

The technician walks toward the view screen and turns his phone toward it. Professor Po looks down, nodding approvingly.

Professor Po: Nice! That’s very nice work! Now, what are all those little buttons?

Technician: The icons? Well, there’s one for my e-mail, this one is for the camera…

Professor Po: There’s a camera in there? Now, how in the world did you do that?

Technician: Um…

Yeah Right (to Doktor Zymm): This is the guy we’re worried about? He doesn’t even know what a cell phone is.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, Perzy is…eccentric.

Professor Po (still marveling at the cell phone): One-touch shopping? Boy, would that have gotten me into trouble in my college days!

Covalent Blonde (to Po): Seriously? You’ve never used a cell phone? What are you, computer-illiterate?

Professor Po (offended): Hardly! Why I’ll have you know that I program exclusively in Unix!

A sudden wave of understanding sweeps over the room. The various technicians all nod knowingly at each other.

Covalent Blonde: It all makes sense now.

Horatio Cornblower: Right? I mean, I was wondering…

Doktor Zymm: Programming preferences azide…

Professor Po (glancing down at the technician’s cell phone): Woops! Hold that thought, Zymm! I’m in countdown mode here. Twenty-nine…twenty-eight…

Through a large window the DFOers can see a yuuuge hole opening in the ground outside. Smoke is rising out of it.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: I’m with you, pal!

Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio race outside. The other DFOers follow behind. Moosemas Gorilla races to the edge of the opening and Horatio looks down into it.

Yeah Right (a safe distance back): What’s in there?

Horatio Cornblower (yelling so everyone can hear him over the rumbling): A ROCKET! EVERYONE STAY BACK!

King Hippo: Hey, shouldn’t you guys get away from there?

Horatio Cornblower (grinning back as he clutches Moosemas Gorilla’s fur in both tiny hands): NOT A CHANCE! WE’RE GONNA RIDE THIS ROCKET!

Covalent Blonde (yelling): ARE YOU GUYS CRAZY?

Horatio Cornblower (as the rumbling crescendos and smoke pours out of the opening): PROBABLY! BUT SOMEONE’S GOTTA STOP PO!

Covalent Blonde (running towards them): NOT WITHOUT ME! I OWE THAT CREEP A SERIOUS BEATDOWN!

Suddenly the rocket rises like a…well, rocket…out of the tube. Moosemas Gorilla makes a heroic leap and grabs onto the outside of it a split-second before it rises into the sky. Covalent Blonde jumps up and grabs onto his leg. The rest of the DFOers all watch silently as the rocket streaks off into the sky.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, crapcakes.

King Hippo: Does this mean yer club’s gonna have an opening?

Yeah Right: Too soon, man.

Cut to: Doktor Zymm’s RV. Pirate Sloth and Otto’s Brain are watching the end credits of The Sea Hawk on the big-screen TV.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, thar ain’t never been another swashbuckler like Errol Flynn.

Otto’s Brain: How about Johnny Depp?

Pirate Sloth: I’ll be pretendin’ ye didn’t say that, Otto.

Otto’s Brain (rolling over to the DVD case): Hey, we’ve got Ice Pirates! I’ve never seen that.

Pirate Sloth: Truly? ‘Tis a crime not to be watching it, then!

Suddenly the RV shakes. Otto’s Brain rolls across the floor and back again as Pirate Sloth hangs on.

Otto’s Brain: Whoa! What was that?

Pirate Sloth (looking out the front window): Arr, it may that rocket, Otto.

Otto’s Brain: Oh, sure, that would explain… Wait, what? What rocket?

Pirate Sloth (picking up Otto’s Brain so he can look out the window): Thar she blows, mate!

Otto’s Brain: Huh. So, yeah… That’s happening.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, so what should we be doin’?

Otto’s Brain: How should I know? It’s not like the RV can fly…

RV Auto-Pilot: Flight mode: engaged.

Otto’s Brain: And follow a rocket into space…

RV Auto-Pilot: Pursuit mode: confirmed.

Otto’s Brain: And… Wait, what’s that rumbling?

Pirate Sloth (looking out of the window again): We appear t’be takin’ flight.

Otto’s Brain (rolling forward to look at the ground as they take off): Huh. Well, then. I’m thinking it’s probably time to panic, right?

Pirate Sloth (nodding in agreement): Oh, aye. I’m thinkin’ that be a grand plan.

To be continued…