Live On Periscope: The Oracle Talks Free Agent Signings

Kinda OK video of a well-lit, plain kitchen; the audio is loud and clear.

Door Flies Open: …right there on the big toe. But in the end, odontology is more art than science, I’ve been told. Over here? Lemme just set the phone facing *Loud thud* I AM STANDING HERE AT THE ORACLE’S BREAKFAST NOOK. THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE’S TRAINING CAMPS START IN A…

The Oracle: Please sit down. Oh my, you look tense.

DFO: …FEW DAY—Who? Me? Tch!

Wristwatch: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

DFO: Well, I could use a back rub, but…

 DFO: …never mind. Is it OK if the camera faces only you?

The Oracle: Are you going to watch this later?

DFO: Of course, and I really hate looking at myself on video.

The Oracle: If it makes you want to watch it, I accept. *lights cigarette*

DFO: What do I call you? Mrs. Oracle? The? Well, if you don’t mind informalities.

The Oracle: You can call me anything you like, darling. *drags on cigarette*

DFO:  Good. *clears throat* You are a seer, famously. Let’s talk free agents. Ryan Fitzpatrick.

DFO: *mumbling* Damn, she doesn’t break eye contact.

 The Oracle: Come again? *blows smoke*

DFO: Nothing nothing. Moving on, Carolina was the first team ever to rescind a franchise tag designation, with Josh Norman. Do you think Washington overpaid for $50 million guaranteed?

The Oracle: Last year was Norman’s breakout season.

DFO: Totally, I agree. But, THIS upcoming season…

The Oracle: *quick drag from cigarette*

DFO: …2016 and BEYOND. Who do you think will benefit most: the Panthers or the Reds–

The Oracle: Do you think past performance predicts future success?

DFO: *Tapping fingers continuously on tabletop* Well, I, MYSELF, wouldn’t know. But I thought that, maybe, YOU could…

The Oracle: *smoke coming out of nostrils* How important to you are other people’s opinions?

DFO: Depends on the opinion. *through gritted teeth* If it is said.

The Oracle: The curiosity is often more enlightening than the answers. *blows smoke*

Wristwatch: Tick, tick, tick, tick.

DFO: Eric Weddle: anything left? Will he pull a Steve Smith?

The Oracle: Are those nicotine chiclets? *takes looooooong drag*

DFO: *Popping three chiclets* Yeth. Thay, what are those? Bensons? Marlboro Lights? Newports? Parliaments? I really hated that gimmicky inside-y filter. Kools?

The Oracle: What do YOU  think of Weddle?

DFO: I dunno. But the Ravens wouldn’t take flier on him if there weren’t anything there.

DFO: I’ll take that as an answer, or answers. Check this out: I once bit that plastic thing on the filter to see if I could break it.

The Oracle: Did you? *blows tankful of smoke*

DFO: It bounced off my teeth and I choked on it.

The Oracle: If you want a drag, sweetie, just say the word. I do not have cooties, you know…

DFO: Nah, I’m good. OK, Malik Jackson to Jacksonville. That Jaguars defense seems pretty loaded on paper.

The Oracle: I would not say that.

DFO: I knew it! I could kiss you. Please elaborate.

The Oracle: Oh. *long drag*

DFO: No, it’s a figure of—

The Oracle: Baby, when you are judging potential, you have to be careful not to fall into stroking your own ego or whacking propositions just because they do not jibe with your fantasies.

DFO: I get it.

 The Oracle: Do you? I wonder… *blows smoke*

DFO: Well, Jackson did well in Denver but they had Wade Philips and a lot of talent, whereas the Jaguars—

 The Oracle: *pointing with cigarette* You are on the fence.

DFO: Yeah…

The Oracle: And you want me to nudge you *drags*

Wristwatch: Tick, tick, tick

The Oracle: To nudge you towards a direction.

DFO: To be honest, a nudge would rock.

The Oracle: You shouldn’t deny yourself, you know. Life is for living. *blows smoke*

DFO: I… don’t… *grabs handful of gummy bears*

The Oracle: Are you OK, baby?

DFO: Yef, gemme *swallows everything*  Better. How about Arian Foster? He’s coming off a torn Achilles and—

The Oracle: Do you find his prospects unattractive because of age? *looooong drag*

DFO: Well, that recovery is no cakewalk, and he’s a running back, so—

The Oracle: The Dolphins brought him for a look.

DFO: *snorts* And that was it! He was not ready enough for freakin’ Miami, who turn to shit every big name free agent they sign.

The Oracle: *blows smoke, puts out cigarette with a single firm stab*

DFO: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.

The Oracle: Maybe I misjudged you. *lights another cigarette* Your ageism is very unappealing.

DFO: No! I mean, Foster should feel that he has something to prove…

Wristwatch: Tick, tick

DFO: Do you have a jar of star anise? Or cloves? I could really chew some of those. Or nutmeg. Suck on a couple.

Wristwatch: Tick, better say something, dude.

DFO: And, uh, he’s a professional. He still has time to recover, get offers. Why not? I guess he could make it.

The Oracle: Never forget experience. Experience is a wonderful thing to have, and to share.

Wristwatch: Tick

The Oracle: And I was just yanking your chain about you being unappealing. It’s just a… Let’s say…

DFO: Yeah?

The Oracle: *blows smoke* It was just a misinformed judgment by you. I’m glad you came around.

DFO: Well, I think I talked myself into it. You taking credit is somewhat—

The Oracle: I could make you come around in many ways.

DFO: Wha—

The Oracle: If you only let yourself! *pointing with cigarette* What are you thinking of right now?

DFO: Answers! When?

The Oracle: You are looking away and not being true to me, or to yourself. *looong drag from cigarette*

DFO: *sigh* OK. I’ll tell you. There is no way those oven mitts are practical.

The Oracle: If what you want are answers, I will give you some. *blows smoke*

DFO: Good, I’d like that. Let me just show you *takes out list of free agent signings*

The Oracle: I only read in the nude.

DFO: *puts list back in pocket* I was thinking about Anquan Boldin and what teams would be the best fit…

The Oracle: I have a crystal ball in my bedroom, but it’s nailed to the wall. Come with me and I promise you’ll see the stars align, sugar.

DFO: Alright listen. I admit it: aprons are a turn-on. But you look just like my aunt Sonia!

DFO: She smelled like Dog Chow and Shalimar. Look, I gotta—

The Oracle: Stay where you are. I’ll be right back.

DFO: No, you know, I—

The Oracle: Please remain seated. I’ll return soon.

DFO: Listen I have to leave. Some Mormons came by my house yesterday and I rescheduled for today. I’m kinda intrigued; I still don’t know if all that stuff is either myth or fiction. I can’t believe I forgot until right now…

The Oracle: Only a bug fix. What were you saying?

DFO: Umm, that I was hoping to have a read with you over… *takes out free agent list* Say, did you mention something about a crystal ball? Lemme just grab… You think for the rest we could do a wide angle with me ***END OF SFW PORTION***

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