Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten Oilers lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a thudding,
As of some one violently chopping, chopping at my chamber door.
“’Tis Earl Campbell,” I muttered, “running over some defender poor—
Only this and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate empty beer can wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
From my booze surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Bum Phillips—
For the large and blunt cowpoke whom the networks name Bum—
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“’Tis Earl Campbell entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Perhaps Bruce Matthews entreating entrance at my chamber door;—
it must be them, and nothing more.”
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, (I don’t judge) truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was drinking, and so gently you came chopping,
And so faintly you came chopping, chopping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”—here I opened wide the door;—
Darkness there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken were the whispered words, “Why couldn’t we beat the Yinzers when it counted?”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Yinzers!”—
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a chopping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is Billy White Shoes at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
’Tis just Billy and nothing more!”
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a an enormous beast built like pro wrestlers of the non-family friendly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, did a standing broad jump to the top of my chamber door—
Perched upon a bust of Pastorini just above my chamber door—
Perched, and sat, and did 3 quick sets of 12 squats, and nothing more.
Then this crew cut beast beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient warrior wandering from the Northern shore—
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the beast “JJ WATT!.”
Much I marvelled this enormous beast to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with the ability to squat thrust while balanced above a chamber door—
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as “JJ WATT!.”
But the JJ, repping finger-tip push-ups on the placid bust, spoke only
That one name, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered—not a muscle then he didn’t flex—
Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other guys do push-ups—
maybe tomorrow I will join them.”
Then the bird said “Like shit son! You? You ain’t got what it takes! You stay up too late, you sit on couches and read, you drink beers. No, not you.”
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is patent bullshit
Caught from some unhappy childhood spent chasing football scholarships from school to school
Followed fast and followed faster till he only knows no more than cheap slogans stolen from all those coaches—
Till the his capacity for original thought is never more.
But the JJ still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking to my twitter account, because no one was going to believe this,
Thinking what this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous man of bore
Meant in croaking “Get up off your ass and chop wood with me son! Just keep splitting, push through the pain and lose that coat pussy, it ain’t that cold!.”
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “did you just pass gas in my chamber!? For Christ’s sake open the door!”
Quoth the Raven “I eat right and eating right means a lot a of vegetables and protein and a lot of vegetables and protein means a lot of gas. It’s a small sacrifice for a healthy body bro!”
“Humblebragger!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if lineman or devil!—
Whether Goodell sent, or whether waivers tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land, (eh, beats Cleveland) enchanted—
On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—
Is there—is there a chance the Patriots will lose?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the JJ “Gotta respect the other team. They work hard, they hustle, they put in the effort bro!”
“Humblebragger!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if 3rd stringer or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us—by that NFL that for some godforsaken reason we both adore—
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted head coach whom the angels name Bum Phillips—
Clasp a large and blunt head coach whom the angels name Bum.”
Quoth the Raven “Don’t know who that is bro; I just keep my head down, and focused on the present to get prepared for the future. No time for the past bro!”
“Be those words our sign of parting, you fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back onto the field for Oklahoma drills!
Leave no cliches as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit doing one-handed chin-ups on my door!
Take thy cliches from out my ears, and take thy chin-ups from off my door!”
Quoth the Raven “Never stop pushing bro! Gotta keep going to get better bro! A watched pot never boils bro! Stitch in time saves nine! A penny saved is a penny earned!.”
And the JJ, never shutting up, still is sitting, still is raving
On the pallid bust of Pastorini while doing finger-curls on my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
I’ll never see the Oilers—nevermore!
(with the deepest apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)
God in christ this is good. Anyone would be proud to be found dying of alcohol poisoning and wearing someone else’s clothes if they knew their work would later be parodied so well.
Or so I assume.
Yes, and almost everything in the thread…. Holy Shit.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/686ea64d174e62f0f4c3b154fe4afa24/tumblr_inline_mwj6psrJCR1qfkktb.jpg
You know how you can get text as visual artwork?
http://ctb.kantl.be/vanhoutte/teach/slides/graphics/textart.jpg
Can I get The #humblebragger in a texans logo?
The Texans logo? What’s a Texans logo?
Is it the logo of the man pictured in the banner pic Che Watts.
No Moose. Che actually accomplished something despite having most of his team blown up around him and pedestrian talent left to work with.
REVEREND’S LOG- FINAL ENTRY.
Anarchy reigns. Things fall appart. The center cannot hold.
Doctor Kenneth Noisewater pronounced the final Oktoberfest “swill fit only for the taste-blind and Whigs.” Space Monkey raisedthe question of whether being anti-Whig was grounds for execution as Counter Revolutionary. Upon being reminded that Best Friend Tabitha’s proposal to Pinata his ass had only been tabled (rather than voted down), this question was withdrawn.
Best Friend Tabitha being too absorbed in Rock Band and shouting “WITNESS ME!” to call for a second reading of the original motion, the meeting was adjourned as spouses came to collect the wreckage.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/729f33d2141a97ae2adb3e19ff678bad/tumblr_n9x2mqz65u1tulptjo1_500.jpg
OK, almost football time….. wait.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/0ee8baf6311a5e9270946a75c7fe6771/tumblr_mnqm5wYnyQ1rgr4l6o5_r1_250.gif
http://31.media.tumblr.com/66d221933a236cc2d1fa6fa03b90fccf/tumblr_nspryw3qrt1rqv2y0o1_500.gif
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
Partay!
Let it out!
http://36.media.tumblr.com/2144326717c9d52a6dd42ea5ddb2e214/tumblr_nwr1i8Lw1W1tcqhjho3_1280.jpg
Really enjoyed my bachelor party, thanks.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/182ae205b4fe7296dacca55cc58a3bd1/tumblr_nazkl7A0Nm1r5piyjo1_1280.jpg
Meth is a hell of a drug.
Which one? … or both?
Could be the Opiate of the Masses.
http://i.imgur.com/VRNwgMG.jpg
http://40.media.tumblr.com/9f23efdfbf69cc6a463b0693e7321619/tumblr_nx1tajZf4q1rsxqqio1_500.jpg
Sorry, but I need to push the edge here, people should be carefull opening this up at work anyway.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/09055bd8755d3d9ac39a84580958c2fc/tumblr_nk8ohcMhDb1u98a6go6_1280.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/25faa17a6d9b3bdee612772d183e7345/tumblr_nk8ohcMhDb1u98a6go3_1280.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/8a8251f5f1bd340c6111cc26b1a8e5ab/tumblr_notuwtSwFq1snxztio1_500.jpg
http://38.media.tumblr.com/564b40eb1f1ce5f203979e2648817118/tumblr_nd1rk7GNzw1s53v9qo3_400.gif
Moose, you’re killing me. I’m at work, I’m fucking starving, and my break is an extra hour away because of the stupid ass time change.
OK, maybe this will stall the pangs a bit.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/c223953e3db05d835012c1fa4945c96b/tumblr_nm6y3xEh791qdt5wxo5_r2_250.gif
Nothing like a good analrapist to kill the appetite.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/77fd661880afb0e1e55fec7a5dea392e/tumblr_nm6y3xEh791qdt5wxo10_r1_250.gif
OK, the night is ruined…. damn kids.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/4717b24d77ecb11032df45fbac848545/tumblr_nwpq5syfqy1qhe849o1_1280.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/4722cdb96938297f8f151af69c61c14f/tumblr_n5thxdoUNS1tutm53o1_500.jpg
http://33.media.tumblr.com/d4ac027a4b4abba84e6ea59c21f45ca4/tumblr_nw4wolPNIV1tpmgf1o1_500.gif
http://41.media.tumblr.com/1ea3c2fedfa575ebe8887e576340c2ec/tumblr_nc9fi0vbpG1tn7ywfo1_1280.jpg
The man made some enemies, that’s for sure.
Yeah; he was in battle and it was kind of a “He’s dead already.” deal. I thought the scoliosis was interesting; would have killed or completely hindered a lot of people.
Yeah it seems like they were making sure he was DEAD dead.
REALLY dead. Although with that type of fighting, once victory is achieved the adrenaline probably give one a “FUCK YOU” feeling that is beyond what a touchdown spike would be.
“Was Richard III OK?”
“He was fine Ralph.”
http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5w940AnSJ1rqh7woo2_1280.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/czTlF7T.jpg
OK, I gotta go FD (fucking delicious) on this one; VERY smooth and balanced, weird label. If you don’t like IPAs maybe not.
http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/22150/150470/
http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/stillwater-contemporary-works–stereo/312712/
http://res.cloudinary.com/ratebeer/image/upload/w_250,c_limit,q_85,d_beer_def.gif/beer_312712.jpg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkbpmFOuKrc
http://41.media.tumblr.com/a2f8fc09e5fecb9fbe437aa55ac8a7ad/tumblr_nsxgv5GTH81rypfl7o1_1280.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/80u7pzD.jpg
http://33.media.tumblr.com/f1dcd6580c63cb329ddcb28ab928bd0e/tumblr_nudkei2DVc1uz2pboo1_540.gif
http://33.media.tumblr.com/7aeeba56015fac36149dd31713ce6487/tumblr_na8scwZRtt1sqx8y7o1_400.gif
http://38.media.tumblr.com/5a1cd4e40347baee48616570c42be761/tumblr_na8scwZRtt1sqx8y7o2_400.gif
Sorry, that was too scary.
Ha! That was a really good show. We need more Stephen Fry on the tv box.
Free hair gel.
http://i.imgur.com/8xqTY0C.jpg
Which dwarf is named Darren?
http://i.imgur.com/AXCb9z8.jpg
This is one of my favorite cartoons of all time.
http://i.imgur.com/2QoY1qO.jpg
Wait, what?
REVEREND’S LOG, SUPPLEMENTAL:
3 beer varieties down, 5 to go. Other members of the group are recording rheir thoughts for Commentist Beer Barrel: Co-op Mode.
Space Monkey suggests gin as a “palate cleanser.” Best Friend Tabitha suggests hitting Space Monkey until candy comes out. Diplomacy prevails, bourbon served out.
Best Friend Tabitha sounds like someone worth knowing. Space Monkey, not so much.
GOD DAMN AMERICAN HERO!
http://petslady.com/files/blog1/SpaceMonkey1.jpg
Monkees in space suits are always funny.
http://i.imgur.com/HK7vJlQ.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/1f8f163a75864262a1553b06038824a8/tumblr_nvw1fdXCMO1sqpnjxo7_1280.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_leq35dPljs1qz4jelo1_1280.png
Fanfuckingtastic.
I owe you a “WOO!” without context
3 friends, 8 Oktoberfest varieties, Mad Max: Fury Road on the teevee. It’s been an honour serving with you all.
I feel I should give you a “WOO!”
A pub I was at the other night had Ayinger’s Oktoberfest. Holy shit was that good.
Was it sweet? I tend to like these unless they are sweet.
No, nice and dry and crisp. One of the best Marzens that I’ve had. Ayinger makes the best doppelbock in the world as far as I’m concerned, but it’s nice to see they’re not just a one trick pony.
Pretty sure I have not had it, but there have been some Octobers/ late Septembers that are a tad foggy. Thanks, [writes down].
Definitely worth it if you come across it. And if you’re even remotely interested in doppels, search out their Celebrator. I can’t put into words how fucking delicious it is. If anyone around here managed to get it on tap I would probably just walk in and hand them my paychecks until the keg kicked.
Eggsellent! Thanks for the recommendations; this time of year Germans taste good.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JyFvTTWqu_E/TzavhufAdrI/AAAAAAABDyM/3xxL7NvyjKU/s1600/Funny+Eggs+picture+(48).jpg
While I’m sure Germans, certain ones, taste great, I meant German beers.
Shit. That was a little smaller than I realized. Let’s try this one instead
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly4uey8qzp1qgfrpp.gif
.
Goddammit I give up.
I
am
dis
app
ear
ing
in
to
n
o
t
h
i
n
g
.
.
.
HEEEEEEEEEEEERE we go; for images just reply to the original post.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly4uey8qzp1qgfrpp.gif
She was one of my first crushes…
Yes, she did have nice…………….
http://24.media.tumblr.com/ec14a20583adbaf75ca0663bdfc42c02/tumblr_mufldncrE71rxam8fo1_500.gif
Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff!
Part of my gluten costume is a dinner roll necklace. I should probably eat something other than whiskey before I start snacking on my costume.
Just bake more necklace. 10 min at worst
http://40.media.tumblr.com/04c416fd2f04c8b9da053daf536bbf2c/tumblr_nwqxukFPRa1qmfjj7o1_540.jpg
Do you not factor in personality to sexiness? Giant potato Zymm is still top 5. Oh she can see this, top 8
WTF?
And when MOOSE says WTF, you know it’s some serious non sequitor
Wait shit, was I out of order. Zymm just wanted to float you a compliment as you went out. You are lovely. Have a nice night
So, if anybody buys this costume then has to take it to the cleaners; please say “No starch.”
OK, you could eat you necklace. Do you have a Pop-n-Fresh canister in case of emergency?
Are you drunk? do you need help? I made a half hearted flirtation and I think we lost you. Is someone there to check your pulse?
Sorry man, kinda lost me too.
I was thinking the same thing about you; neither of my posts had anything to do with you; left field is a good place though.
While dealing with demon (all) kids tonight for Halloween I got to visit with my sister in town for the one day she is in town. She would go on a diatribe against everything that didn’t line up with science the whole time I caught her up on The Flash. Thought she hated it, turns out I accepted it more that anyone and she loves the show and she always does that.
I looked up diatribe but didn’t spell check after…
I’m taking my banana and I’m going..not home. Another bar? Yup.
Ouch. That had to hurt.
http://i.imgur.com/pssLiuW.jpg
http://Www.doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/IMG_20151031_215356.jpg
Happy All Hallows y’all, here’s what I’m up to, while sober enough to update.
That picture is quite… apeeling.
/sorry
Are you the one in yellow?
banana party > lemon party.
Nice!
Unfortunately, all the good banana puns have been taken…
Come on, there are plenty of puns left. Or are you slipping?
That’s ripe.
That party looks like when the U.S. Marines invaded Honduras in 1903, 1907, 1911, 1912, 1919, 1924, and 1925 to protect the interests of the United Fruit Company and the Standard Fruit Company!!! HA HA HA !!! See, there are still plenty of puns left! Oh mercy sakes alive!
(i guess that wasn’t really a pun. oh well)
Mother fucking goddamit. Fuck, shit, I am giving you a tame sense of my onset of Tourette’s.
Godamn Mother fucking cocksucking piece of cuntlapping shit.
My sincerest condolences.
/Cubs Fan
Piece of motherfucking puece of A FUCKING CUNT.com holy shit I wzant to FUCKING killl the FUCKIN SHIT FUCKING COCKSUCKING GODDAM FUcking piece of shit Royals.
Still seems normal
http://40.media.tumblr.com/9a0b7d15e279653e2cba8b2d242ad491/tumblr_ntwpjcZiGu1uu4f9zo1_1280.jpg
GET CRACKING, SCIENCY PEOPLE!
These were all great!
Also, newly sad Mets fans are the best sad fans!
I’m not really invested in who wins this Series but I was sort of rooting for the Mets. That said any time a deeply religious fellow who expresses opinions about what consenting adults who are not actually him should do in the privacy of their own homes royally fucks up, (no pun intended), and possibly costs his team a crucial WS game well, I’m not above pointing and laughing.
Yeah I more root for a seven game series that ends with a walkoff homer in the 20th inning. But damn those shots of dejected and pouting Mets fans after the Royals took the lead were hysterically funny.
This went really well.
What the hell is going on with all these Texans posts?
A group of us agreed to do a “Scary Texans” story theme for Halloween.
Posts about who now? I think maybe you should lie back down for a while, friend.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk6o6as4Ra1qcnhhzo1_500.gif
Wait, so I’m not allowed to post my Chris Henry Headless Horseman story?
Damnit.
Good Taste: 1
Mayhem: 0
That would be a great idea; let’s get a producer and pitch it.
I understand that my story was the last so I’m just going to say this now: Pickett’s Charge entry was the goddamn best of the lot. This was a great idea and there was some terrifically entertaining and funny work and you guys are the fucking best but Pickett’s Charge, you sir, just, man…
That was pretty impressive, but I thoroughly enjoyed all of them. I’m so glad I didn’t contribute as there is no way I could come close to the genius the rest of you displayed.
HARD SLAPS ON THE ASS FOR EVERYONE!
I knew as soon as I’d finished reading it that no one was going to top it. Everyone here’s done great work, though.
God bless the Houston Oilers.
/pours out a 40
I had a lot of fun pulling up names from my childhood memories of when the Oilers were halfway decent but could never get past Pittsburgh in the play-offs.
Fucking Pastorini man.
I’m old enough that I remember Pastorini. Even though I’m a Steelers fan, I remember fondly those Oilers teams. That song is still stuck in my head after all these years.
Of course he’s at your chamber door. He’s not gonna find a sack in the rue morgue, bro.
Fantastic. I read this in the voice of Keith Jackson.
Oh shit now I want an audio of Keith Jackson reading ‘The Raven’
“Quoth the raven, ‘WHOA NELLY!'”
I’m going to do this soon. It may kill me but goddamn it I am going to do it.
IT’S A GOD DAMN CONTENT EXPLOSION! A CONTENT TSUNAMI! A CONTENT AVALANCHE! A CONTENT SQUIRTING! A CONTENT BUKKAKE!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewdmUdF4eAU
http://31.media.tumblr.com/3fb5eec843a4a2a64d143a4d57025017/tumblr_nvs3xgddlA1uxfu8ao1_250.gif
Perhaps even a tentacle incident
http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/10580503.jpg