INT. BEDROOM – DAY

DAN SNYDER lays in bed watching a massive television on the far wall, looking relaxed. We see the credits of “Deal or No Deal” roll across the the screen. SNYDER sits up and flips the channel over to ESPN.

MICHAEL WILBON: Pardon the interruption, but I’m Mike Wilbon. Tony, Cowboys star defensive lineman Greg Hardy was arrested and charged with arson after he burned down a battered women’s crisis center just in time for Christmas, do you think Jerry Jones continues to stand by him?

TONY KORNHEISER: Yes, I’m Tony Kornheiser, and I think he does.

WILBON: Even after finding out Hardy tried to frame Jason Garrett for doing it?

KORNHEISER: Even then.

WILBON: But you would not?

KORNHEISER: I would not. Welcome to PTI, boys and girls, in today’s episode we discuss the fallout from Kobe Bryant’s 2 for 26 shooting night where he literally stole the ball from a teammate’s hand a la Teen Wolf and threw up a halfcourt shot…

WILBON: He did not make that shot…

KORNHEISER: …he did not, though the crowd loved it and the Lakers lost 129-74 – will the baby Jesus smile upon Carson Palmer the same way he did for Kurt Warner in the playoffs, and Jonathan Papelbon is in trouble again for choking someone, only this time it’s a prostitute, but we begin today with our attempt to humanize [*Redacted] s owner Daniel Snyder and prevent him from his spiral into the damnation of eternal solitude.

SNYDER: [realizes his name has been mentioned] Wait, what?

KORNHEISER: [staring out of the TV at SNYDER] That’s right, Dan. We’re the Ghosts of Christmas Present and we’re here to show you what your intransigence hath wrought upon the players and employees of your franchise.

SNYDER: My secretary didn’t tell me I had an interview scheduled! [mutters] Goddamnit Vanessa…[reaches for cellphone] I don’t care if it’s Christmas, I told you that you were on thin ice after you took time off to recover from that miscarriage…

WILBON: Knock it off, you knucklehead. This isn’t an interview. We’re here to teach you the error of your ways.

The channel on the TV changes and shows a modest one-story home on a snowy street. The scene grows and fills our field of view. We peer in through a window into the dining room of the home. The furniture is very basic and cheap; in the center of the room is a simple Ikea table is surrounded by a set of mismatched chairs. The table is set with plastic utensils and paper plates. On the wall is an empty shelf, next to the shelf hangs a tattered banner that reads “2014 NFC East Participant”. Through the kitchen door we hear voices, a moment later a pair of men emerge.

JON GRUDEN: Welcome to another edition of FRIDAY NIGHT CHRISTMAS DINNER.

JAY GRUDEN: John…you don’t need to do that. There’s no audience.

JON: I WAS TALKING TO YOU JAY.

JAY: I know but there’s no need to shout, I can hear you fine.

JON: I’M SORRY BUT THIS IS ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO. ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT CHRISTMAS DINNER?

JAY: I am. It was very generous of the Hooters to provide us with that roast chicken for our meal.

JON: THAT HOOTERS I CALL IT DRIVING WHILE BLACK BECAUSE I’VE STILL GOT SOME PULL OVER THERE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON. WELL LET’S SIT DOWN AND EAT! COME ON IN, SON!

JAY GRUDEN looks with tender concern at the kitchen door. A slight figure comes into the doorframe.

RGIII: God bless us, every one.

DAN SNYDER’S heartstrings are tugged by the sight of the crippled quarterback.

SNYDER: Tony…tell me if RGIII will ever play in the NFL again.

KORNHEISER: I see an empty headset. And a clipboard without anyone there to hold it. If these shadows don’t change in the future, RGIII will be exiled to a barren, frozen, hellish wasteland.

SNYDER: Detroit?

KORNHEISER: Worse.  Edmonton.

RGIII limps into the room and is followed by the other various members of the GRUDEN family for their Christmas feast. The GRUDENS have a very simple Christmas dinner of donated canned goods. When JON attempts to slice the chicken, the handle of the knife breaks off in his hands.

JON: THIS CARVING KNIFE I CALL IT JAMAL CHARLES’S KNEE CAUSE IT EXPLODES INTO A MILLION PIECES WHEN YOU USE IT TO MAKE A CUT.

Suddenly, a bright white light appears. A figure clad all in white floats into the room.

RGIII: Are you…a Christmas angel?

RAY LEWIS: Nah, son. I’m just here to help. [hands a switchblade to Jon Gruden] You see, when I was growing up we didn’t HAVE a Christmas turkey to cut into. I didn’t KNOW what it was like to sit around a table and enjoy delicious trimmings.

RGIII: What are those stains on your suit, Mr. Lewis?

RAY LEWIS: [glances around nervously] Those are, uh…gravy. [notices a set of three chubby urchins in Colts jerseys peering in through the window and feverishly licking their lips] Oh wait, no, I mean, cranberry sauce. Yeah, cranberry sauce. It turns kinda brown like this when it dries. [speaking with exaggerated loudness while looking at the Colts fans] Cranberry sauce HAS GOT A LOT OF VITAMINS IN IT. IT’S VERY HEALTHY TO EAT.

The urchins groan piteously and shuffle off, and the GRUDEN family settles in and begins eating their Christmas feast. Although it is a meager feast, there is great merriment and it is a very happy scene.  Presently, the celebration is interrupted by the soft sound of singing outside their door.

RGIII: Oh, how lovely!  Carolers! [he leaps to his feet and his joy is suddenly replaced by a grimace. He forces a smile and hobbles to the door, pulling it open.]

CAROLERS: [singing]

♫ Silent night…holy night…
Racial slurs…just aren’t right…
Saying it’s tribute is such a sick lie…
We wish Dan Snyder would just go and die…
Change the name you jerks…
Change the name you jerks. ♫

RGIII: [icily] Oh look, it’s the [a city to be named later] Rams!

JAY: It’s so heartbreaking to see homeless people out on the streets on Christmas!

JANORIS JENKINS: Yeah, well, wherever we end up, at least we’ll still be known as the Rams.

MICHAEL BROCKERS: You think any other city would want you as the [*Redacted] s?

JAY: [stung] We…we just need another title and nobody will care about that anymore.

STEDMAN BAILEY: This franchise needs the validation of a Super Bowl win like I need a hole in the head.

RGIII: Whoa man, it’s WAY too soon for that.

JAY: Yeah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves with Super Bowl talk.  We’re gonna take it one game at a time.

GREG ROBINSON: Jeff Fisher sent us out here to thank you in person for the wonderful gift you gave our franchise.  Us!

The Rams players continue to taunt the GRUDEN household over the [*Redacted] s name and the RGIII trade as the scene fades and we return to SNYDER’S bedroom.

SNYDER: Now this here is nonsense, I pay Gruden plenty of money.

WILBON: Yes, but he’s too ashamed to spend it!

KORNHEISER: Pardon the interruption, but we’re out of time here.  We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss whether or not the league’s proposed constitutional amendment to prevent Will Smith’s new movie Concussion from being screened in theaters will pass…

WILBON: I think it will.

KORNHEISER: You do?

WILBON: I absolutely do.

KORNHEISER: …so thanks for joining us.

As SNYDER watches, Pardon the Interruption ends and is followed by a scene of Colin Cowherd humping a pillow with the New England Patriots logo on it.  Cowherd glances at SNYDER, making eye contact with him.  SNYDER frantically begins pressing buttons on the remote, and the channel changes to show Roger Goodell sitting in a chair, while a man in a furry dog costume kneels in front of him.  They turn to look at SNYDER, and the costumed man takes a sip from a cup of Starbucks.  

SNYDER leaps out of bed and runs to the wall and unplugs the television.  

SNYDER: [out of breath, terrified] My god, I’m losing it.  I’m losing my mind!

[end of Part 3]