David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 8: Hooked On Phonics? Fork Your Tongue!

The Maestro - February 24, 2022February 24, 2022

Good morning. You sure have had a lot of visits with me this past while. Is the NFL covering your co-pay or something? At any rate, time to look at your chart... you're saying that you've been at a loss for words since football season ended? I suppose, in some

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 7: Is Fecal-Based Birth Control Right for You?

The Maestro - February 17, 2022February 15, 2022

Good morning. I've heard claims of lots of happy Rams fans out there this week, but curiously, I haven't seen any yet thus far. Seems odd to me - in years past, I couldn't tell you how many women I've had to turn away from my doors this week due

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 6: The Healing Power of Death

The Maestro - February 10, 2022February 10, 2022

Good morning. We're four days from the Super Bowl! We're also five days away from my favorite day on the calendar: the day the bodies start piling up in my office again. The, uh, alive ones, that is. Yes. Alive. Let's go with that. I don't deal with the dead

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 5: Malaria and Syphilis – No Longer a Sophie’s Choice!

The Maestro - February 3, 2022February 2, 2022

Good morning. You're back again? Talk about bad luck. What is it this time? A burning sensation, you say? Front side, or back? Oh, yeah. I had that one too. I think a certain Chargers cornerback from a while ago had it a few times as well - though due to

So Long, Tom: Your Tuesday Night Open Thread

The Maestro - February 1, 2022February 1, 2022

It's finally official. In light of the leaks, nobody's really that surprised this time around. Tom Brady is now officially retired from the National Football League. He entered as an unknown sixth-round draft pick, and left as the greatest player in the history of the sport. While it's true that I am

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 4: Cestoda and You – Man’s Real Best Friend!

The Maestro - January 27, 2022January 26, 2022

Good morning, patient. Please forgive me if I'm a bit unfocused today... I'm rather hungover. Yes, I know the Divisional Round was four days ago. I see your charts are saying you're complaining of nausea and headaches... are you a Bills fan, by any chance? I see. Yes, I'd be sick

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 2: How Yoga Is Rotting Your Brain

The Maestro - January 13, 2022January 13, 2022

Good morning! Thank you for stopping by for your weekly checkup with me. I trust you've paid up front already? Good. I've got a lot of work to do to finish eating this bottle of Vicodin today, so why don't you grab a few for yourself and sit down with

David Chao’s Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Info Pamphlet 1: How to Become Immortal Through Using Mercury

The Maestro - January 6, 2022January 10, 2022

Hi, everybody! I’m Dr. David J. Chao. You may know me from Twitter as ProFootballDoc, where I give insight on potential player injuries as I watch game action in real time. You may also potentially know me for my scandal-filled years as the team doctor for the San Diego Chargers,

CFL Beat: Your 2021 Season Wrap-Up

The Maestro - December 16, 2021December 15, 2021

Another season, another end-of-year wrapup. As cliché as it is to write this, the CFL genuinely did leave their best for last, with a barn-burner of a Grey Cup game that provided all of us with a thrilling ending! Before the recap, we'll lead off with the final round of

Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

The Maestro - December 14, 2021December 13, 2021

[INT. - Natick Mall Christmas display. Despite the ongoing COVID pandemic, we see lines of happy shoppers, as well as a gaggle of small children eagerly awaiting their chance to meet Santa Claus.] SULLY THE ELF: Listen up all youse kids! Santa's just runnin' a couple minutes behind sched but should

CFL Beat: Playoffs – Grey Cup

The Maestro - December 9, 2021December 9, 2021

It's the final weekend of CFL action. I'll miss Canadian football when it's done, of course - but I'm also immensely glad I won't have to wait as long for its return as I did between November 2019 and August 2021. We'll have one final recap after this one... and

CFL Beat: Playoffs – Division Finals

The Maestro - December 2, 2021December 2, 2021

Just over a week until the Grey Cup! It'll be the latest championship game in CFL history, necessitated due to the delayed start to the season, but even with the cold weather, the playoff action continues to heat up. Hard to believe there's only three CFL games left in 2021! In