How does some youngster in the Canadian wilderness become a Giants fan? Funny you should ask! Back in ’76(?) when I was but a little nubbins I fell sick on a Thursday in November. And what to my wondrous eyes did appear? Football. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Day. I was smitten. My favourite babysitter-television-told me that they played every Sunday. I had to see more. The first full year that I watched my CBS feed came out of upper Michigan. The Detroit Lions were just so god-awful but they grew on me. Fast forward a few months after the end of the season and our CBS affiliate was now Rochester in the New York State and it was showing Giants games. The Giants, much like the Lions couldn’t score at all but on the other side of the ball they could stop the other team a fair amount of the time. It seemed to me that guys like Brad Van Pelt, George Martin and Harry Carson played their asses off only to be let down by the likes of  qb Joe Pissfartchuck and a bunch of nobodies. Eventually Simms, LT, Bavaro and Parcells slowly put it all together and BAM! A Super Bowl win. It’s been a fucking great ride overall.

[Enters] The present. It’s a living shitmare.

Key losses via free agency include Stevie Brown and Antrel Rolle, the starting safeties. They’ve been replaced by a screen door that doesn’t quite shut properly.

Key additions include Dwayne Harris, JT Thomas, Shane Vereen and an overwhelming sense of despair.

This defense will not stop anyone. Beason is all beat up and an old 30. That 5/6 deep D-Line that once struck fear into qb’s and stole the last two Super Bowls versus the Pats is bereft of talent. A fully-fingered JPP was not going to make that much of a difference. Prince Amukamara broke his eyeball not reading this very preview!

So the D is a shambles. The good news is that aside from the O-line, the offence is not. This team will have to score more than my mother at a drug dealer’s convention in order to win. And they might. The running backs are a strong, balanced unit unless as I suspect, Belichick was willing to let go of Vereen only after putting a slow-acting poison into his Gatorade prior to the latter’s  post Super Bowl de-briefing. This Negative Nelly is willing to put Beckham Jr, a healthy Salsa and Rueben “A Sandwich” Randle up against any trio of wr’s in the league.

Which brings us to Eli. What hasn’t been said about him? Nothing? Moving on…

Fantasy Slant: Given that I am the reigning Fantasy champ (Hi Sill!) I feel I should throw some shit out there. Let others over-bid/draft Beckham-he’ll need some time to adjust to the double-team. The real value is Salsa-you’ll get him low and he’s going to spend all of his time against single coverage. Remember when he had that kind of coverage? He was a beast. Randle is a WR3 with huge upside. He finds seams easily and has Eli’s trust. Which brings us to Eli. HEAR ME OUT! Draft him as your 2nd qb way down in the lower rounds and park him. At the very worst he’s a viable bye-week guy. At best he’s a guy flinging it constantly because his D is a hologram disguised as an apparition. Keep an eye on his interception totals-if he keeps those under control you’ve got a high qb2 at a very low price.

[sighs] I’m thinking another 6-10 season for Coughlin’s sayonara.

*This post was sponsored by two Coronas, one Steamwhistle and several sips of scotch. Also, I’d like to thank my son for finding the featured image and recommending it and refusing to help me unless this was the featured image.