Saturday Balls of Steel, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, Yeah Right, and I got the opportunity share a few beers, discuss life, abandoning a team that is garbage, disc jockeying, faking bad reception while golfing, and other topics for only that classiest folks. I may or may may not have made the claim that my nickname in college was Fingerblast, but that is all hearsay. We cut the mundane and now present for you a collaborative effort of the highlights of the affair. But first, the menu:
What was on Tap:
- Mike: Saint Archer Scottish ALE (If it ain’t scottish, it’s crap!), Russian river perdition, shared hitachino
- Phill: racer 5 ipa (shared hitachino)
- Tabi: Schönramer Pils, Victory Golden Monkey, and some Schneider Weisse Unser Original–If it were legal, I would move to that state and marry that Schneider Weisse. Sooooooooo tasty.
- Zack: saint archer scottish ale (true story: i (mike) had picked my beer before zack showed up and he picked the exact same beer!), allagash white (SMDH. PK would be proud!) (shared hitachino)
(Somewhere on the 110) (also pictured, Balls of Steel’s work building)
Here we go…..
TABI: I arrived very early and was stunned by the dizzying array of taps of delicious brews and page after page of craft beers in the Father’s Office menu.
TABI: By 2:00 I had finished my first beer and had the chance to use the rather charming lavatories. It’s not too often I find the toilets something that need to be mentioned, but they have a communal sink thing, which is kind of enlightened because it eliminates the whole now-that-your-hands-are-cleaned-grab-that-petri-dish-to-escape thing. Finally, Yeah Right appeared–precisely as predicted, he was most definitely the only one in a Cubs shirt.
PHILL: I somehow made it from El Segundo to Culver City in 17 minutes. DID I USE TELEPORTATION? MAYBE! Actually I have a top secret rarely used back road that I will not share the name of under any circumstances. The parking at Father’s Office is confusing. The old parking lot was under construction, so they could build A PARKING LOT! The fuck? After standing around for a few minutes nonchalantly, I read Tabs post about a watermelon shirt and a pilsner and I retreated to the bar post haste where refreshing hoppy beverages were waiting.
PHILL: Don’t forget a strongly worded Post-It Note for Monday on the door about satellite navigation trying to get me to drive through a wall and over many pedestrians
MIKE: By 2 PM, I was getting out of the over-crowded freeway and trying to short-cut my way to Culver City through South LA (formerly known as South Central). Unfortunately, there was a cop car cruising on Exposition Blvd., so I couldn’t speed and it was pretty hilarious how other cars were going SUPER SLOW so as to not give the cop any excuse to pull them over.
ZACK: I was actually pretty late; I was having brunch with some “distracting” friends who were also, um, what’s the opposite of “gritty”?
MIKE: Melanin-endowed?
ZACK: Glory boys? Hmm. That sounds offensive. Probably because it *is* offensive.
TABI: After much meeting and greeting, RTD mentioned doing some writing about a very cool concept and then we debated why it is that Pixar tries so hard to make you teary by the opening credits
MIKE: And I suggested a post idea: “Every Pixar movie ever, summarized.” BTW, when one thinks of “watermelon-colored shirt” would you think green or reddish? I saw one girl in a green top, but thought “No, that can’t be Covalent. This girl is brunette. And Asian.”
TABI: Mike did correct me. I meant the “inside” of a watermelon
TABI: [glove compartment full of chapstick]
TABI: Also, Zack’s truck is apparently wall to wall promotional sex wax like a mud wrestling incident gone wrong
MIKE: We also talked about the Scottish games and how red-headed Scottish girls wearing a kilt are sexy as fuck.
PHILL: AS FUCK! She also played a bagpipe.
ZACK: Phill and I agreed that a single tube of Carmex can easily last five years.
MIKE: I think I missed that conversation because I have no idea what Carmex is.
PHILL: I once had a tube of chapstick melt on the dashboard of my car during a 117 degree day in Las Vegas.
ZACK: We also had a somewhat cerebral discussion about cancer, where I tried to make an analogy (in front of a Ph.D. biologist) about how cancer occurs when your cells have “picked all the locks” on parts of their DNA that prevent them from doing bad things.
TABI: And how carcinogens basically lubricate the locks and make the process easier.
MIKE: Which was really enlightening and helpful in describing this awful disease. The discussion came about because we decided that the word “vape” and all its variations need to go. Now.
PHILL: The vaping thing was brought up because I, despite my age, do the vaping thing. I’m not sure why a conversation about vaping turned into a conversation about analingus. These things are always happening to me.
MIKE: Which I think is what led to Tabi saying “Weird things happen to me”
ZACK: They played some really good music. Interpol, Stars, Wolf Parade…
MIKE: The Cure. Also, the best part was when Phill got up and played “She Sells Sanctuary” by The Cult on the jukebox.
ZACK: Turns out they don’t even *have* a jukebox.
TABI: Still pretty sure that if you order a Racer 5 IPA that give you a magic jukebox key
PHILL: With my high number of experience points I am a level 12 DJ. And I have a magic jukebox key that I acquired when I traveled with a wiseman and a magician back through the lands of Mordor.
TABI: I think it was right about The Cult that the pile of Office burgers appeared, no?
(This ain’t no glor-ee boy sammich’!)
MIKE: Yes. I destroyed mine in about one minute. Pro-tip: Eat it over the fries so that the drippings fall onto the fries for later enjoyment. Also, that little green tub you see in the picture was a chile verde sauce that we got with our fried pig skins. Holy smokes that was good!
PHILL: The home made pork rinds and chile verde were amazing. For those who don’t know, the Father’s Office burger does not allow additions or substitutions and don’t you fucking dare ask for ketchup. It is easily one of the top 5 burgers ever.
TABI: Aaron Rodgers was terrible at group projects in school
MIKE: We were all happily surprised that Tabi had been classmates with Aaron Rodgers while at Cal. Of course, we asked the obvious question.
TABI: Hey, everyone experiments in college. Just because he was with ladies then doesn’t mean he will be forever
TABI: Don’t forget the fancy Hitachino in an ice bucket like we’re classy as fuck!
MIKE: That WAS classy as fuck! When they first brought it over, I thought, “Who the fuck ordered champagne?” The taste was pure summer, as Zack put it. Delicious, crisp, cool.
PHILL: [talks about massage parlors]
MIKE: [takes notes]
TABI: Not just massage parlors, but ones with jungle gyms!
ZACK: …and then my wife showed up.
TABI: And what an adorable, furniture-focused firebrand she was!
MIKE: I still don’t understand people that go furniture shopping at places that don’t sell meatballs, but hey, to each their own…
ZACK: Yeah, there was actually zero drama associated with my wife stopping by. She already knows Mike pretty well, and it’s not like anybody Tabi or Phill had green skin or horns or anything. She and her friend had a burger and then took off into H.D. Buttercup’s, which sounds a lot more like a bakery than what it actually is – a furniture store.
TABI: Balls was covered in hilarious referential gear from head to toe–well, head to nipple–that I didn’t catch without explanation and wanted to avoid feeling as dumb as I usually do when I try to do RTD’s puzzles by asking
MIKE: My baseball hat was a Poovey Farms Racing hat and my t-shirt was from Vandersexxx. This says I get a free t-shirt with flyer?
ZACK: We also talked about Drew Magary’s appearance on Chopped. Which now reminds me of possibly my best-received ever comment on deadspin:
http://deadspin.com/https-vine-co-v-ebe9mnz63b9-1696500304
MIKE: We also got to see a picture of Tabi’s adorable beer-drinking football-watching dog. Which reminded us of Horatio’s loss and depressed us for a bit. But then we remembered his komment about posting a picture of a fresh grave and that brought levity to the moment. That still remains for me one of the greatest komments at DFO so far.
Foucault. He’s a French bulldog so he is named after a Frenchman.
MIKE: There was also talk of crazy girls, good lays, and the correlation between the two. I admitted to having almost ruined a round of golf with Zack by being on the phone with an ex to which Tabi asked, “What, does she shoot rainbows out of her vagina?” To which I replied, “Pretty much, yeah.”
ZACK: *almost* ruined? That’s the whole reason I played so badly!
MIKE: Oh, and Phill showed us his new tattoo! Tabi then proceeded to show us her impalement scar.
PHILL: I think it is mandatory that everyone gets a tattoo in Vegas. Life!
TABI: Phill’s tattoo is pretty clean and handsome!
ZACK: I wasn’t there for that – what the hell did Tabi get impaled by?
TABI: Conduit. You know, like normal people do?
MIKE: All I remember is that a horse was involved and she now hates horses.
ZACK: I mentioned how the idea of KSK as an actual “kommunity” didn’t really sink in for me until Christmas Ape posted about depression, and the pretty incredible response that followed.
PHILL: That is the one takeaway from all of my KSK DFO dealings. The people/kommenters are an amazing kommunity and the komradery is really special. Jesus, that’s a lot of K’s.
PHILL: I’m pretty sure we reached agreement to do this again. Next time we talked about doing Langers. Home of the #19 sandwich and the best goddamn pastrami on the planet. Yes, you too, New York! Great people and great times.
MIKE: Agreed. And there was also talk of a trip to the desert so we could be closer to Tabi and so she wouldn’t have to drive the three hours to meet up with us.
TABI: I think it was more something about a Hooters and their devil magic to convince men that they are definitely going to have sex with them
TABI: Four hours later, Zack’s wife had bought three new bedroom sets and the sun was beginning to turn in for the evening warmly to the west and we made our ways to depart. I plodded off into the foothills to find my car amid the concrete jungle since I was too worried I found the wrong address to go valet. Hugs and handshakes and then we all retreated back into the digital lifescape to kommentariat and I left a late lunch feeling like I had a beer with three super close friends.
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It should be noted that there was much discussion on how to make a kommenter band, She Gets Hungry, and then how to get this show on the road for the Cancer After Dark Tour
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Show us what you got, East Koast!
Sill was trying to organize an East Coast meet-up but I think we’re too scattered. For the record I’m about 3-4 hours from NYC and 2 hours tops from Boston.
If, however, anyone wants to have a get together at UCONN, you are all welcome to sleep in my basement.
My buddy used to live one block away from HD Buttercup in Culver City. That place was really effing amazing.
It sounds like a good time was had by all…wish I could have been there. The previous KSK Kommenter Konklave at Rock & Brews was a blast.
The title of this post would make an excellent book for Chelsea Clinton to pen.
Oh, that’s good!
Or any altar boy.
Also excellent!
“Furniture-focused firebrand” is a *very* good band name.
They’re opening for She Gets Hungry.
PS–Scotchnaut was completely correct. We were so Canada even Risk would have been embarrassed by how nice we were to each other
This bad boy is next up.
http://www.langersdeli.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/langers-111313.jpg
http://www.newtonsapple.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/drooling-homer-simpson.jpg
I feel like I was there, which is to say that I feel drunk.
I’m one up on you buddy, I AM drunk!
Impalement Scar would have more of a ska vibe, band name-wise.
There’s no fucking way I would have been able to eat if they don’t allow you to leave things off the menu options. I hate way too many things. Plus, hearing the warnings, I would worry the chefs were all spitting in mine anyway.
Me too, man. Especially since the Father’s Office burger has blue cheese, which I deem inedible.
A quick glossary:
Tabi: Covalent Blonde
Mike: Balls of Steel
Zack: Rikki Tikki Deadly
Phill: yeah right.
This was a great time and I look forward to future get togethers. Truly is a great bunch of folks. Also, the shared Google Docs document worked famously for anybody interested in collaborative features down the road.
It was definitely good times. Thanks for doing the writeup!
Father’s Office-an oral history
“Damn juiceboxnaut, why do you have to eat so much ice cream? Yer hurting my profits!”
-My father, who ran a dairy when I was a kid
So jelly.
Dude, so jealous. It’s okay bro, we got a REAL facebook friendship that not even Mike Zuckerberg can take away.
You damn right!