A FEW (HUNDRED) WORDS ABOUT THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Author’s Note: I have noticed that in many of the DFO season previews, humor seems to be a key element. This is just a warning that this preview will not contain humor. I am very bad with jokes. In 3^rd grade we had an assignment to tell a joke, and after I told mine the class was eerily silent. Then the tears began, as at least half of the children began to weep. The boys and the girls gave each other strange looks for a month, the teacher quit and became a nun, and one of the boys dropped out of elementary school altogether, and is now a GOP governor.

The Seahawks roll into the 2015-16 season as the reigning NFC champions…which is kind of like being twelve, kissing your pretty cousin and getting some tongue. You’re pretty stoked at first, then as you think about it, it all seems so wrong. Then you dwell on the fact that, hey, your pretty cousin had a friend that was really hot, and you could’ve made a run at her. Of course, her boyfriend was there, so he probably would’ve stopped your pass and…

Look, what I’m trying to say here is run the frickin’ ball!!!

It’s okay. I don’t dwell on these things.

At all.

The fact of the matter is, for a long time the Seahawks were a nice little northwest team that occasionally made the playoffs (often due to a division so weak that Boise State could have given any of the NFC West teams a run for their money) where they would generally lose, although they did get their participatory “NFC West Champions” banner, so that was nice. Those always added a bit of décor to an otherwise humdrum stadium. Then there was that time they actually went to Super Bowl XL (as players, not audience members, mind you), lost, and the fans said “Aw, shucks! Those darn refs!” And everything went back to normal for several years.

Then, in 2010 Pete Carroll was hired to take this rag-tag bunch of misfits and turn them into a real football team! Granted, he did it by releasing or trading 99% of said misfits, but he did turn the Seahawks into a real football team, and they went on to win a Super Bowl and the fans said, “Hey! How about that! We’re winners!” Then they proceeded to trash-talk any Niners fan who would listen for the next six months.

Losing Super Bowl XLIX has seen the fans turn from blaming the refs (as they did after XL) to blaming the team’s own offensive coordinator. Personally, I view that as a sign of growth.

So where do the Seahawks stand this season?

OFFENSE

The big off-season addition here was of course Jimmy Graham, who brings his considerable skills to Seattle in an attempt to rectify that nagging redzone issue. As in, if Beastmode can’t run it in, it ain’t happening. Graham will be a huge target for Wilson. Yuuuuge.

The WR corps improved in the draft with the addition of Tyler Lockett, who also brings great return skills to the ST game. Past that, Doug Baldwin will be on the team, along with a bunch of other guys you’ve never heard of.

At the running back position it’s all about Beast Mode. You know it, I know it, he knows it. Heck, everyone in the civilized world knows it…except, it seems, Seahawks OC Darrell Wayne Bevell. I mean, we were right there…right there on the fraggin’ goal line against a team that had a notoriously weak short run defense and whadda we do??? FUUUUUUUUUUUUU…

Oh, right, sorry.

Ahem. As I was saying, Marshawn Lynch is still Seattle’s best offensive player, until proven otherwise, and will hopefully be able to truck fools and shower in Skittles for another season. He’s 29 this year, but I hope he never gets too old to do things like this:

Backing Lynch up will probably be Robert Turbin, he of the massive arms and impressive straight-line speed. Too bad those arms can’t break an ankle tackle, but you can’t have everything. Christine Michael is entering his third year and is still an enigma to the fans. He’s barely played, seems to have problems with the system and ball security, but shows such impressive athleticism on the field that the common refrain is, “This is the year he breaks out!” Not to be a Debbie Downer, but color me doubtful.

The offensive line is…let’s call it a work-in-progress. QB Russell Wilson got his big payday, as expected, and the coaching staff is currently trying to cobble together a line that won’t get him killed. The fact that they’re enlisting converted defensive linemen to do it is…okay, it’s weird. But it also seems to be working. J.R. Sweezy has worked out nicely at RG, and it looks like Drew Nowak will likely take the center job.

As for Wilson, he’s likely the Seahawks QB for the next decade, or at least until Skynet installs him as the Overlord of Seattle.  Honestly, I’m guessing most residents would be okay with that.

DEFENSE

Veteran DT Brandon Mebane was asked to take a pay cut before this season. He chuckled (I imagine), said no, then I like to think he did this:

The interior DL is solid with Mebane there. Without him, it could become a different story. He’s a terrific run-stopper and provides pressure in the middle that no one else on the team does. If he becomes a cap casualty, the line simply won’t be as strong.

To improve Seattle’s pass-rush, the front office drafted Frank Clark in the second round. He’s likely a first-round talent that fell due to a domestic violence incident (that was later reduced to disorderly conduct), and his selection brought a bit of controversy to the team.  Since then, fan anger has moved on to Kam Chancellor and his preseason holdout.  Priorities, amirite???

Past that, the defense is as solid as ever. The LB corps is outstanding, and should only improve this year assuming 2nd-year man Kevin Pierre-Louis stays healthy. LB coach Ken Norton, Jr. left for a DC job in Oakland, but his vacancy was filled by former Seattle linebacker and USC alum Lofa Tatupu. Welcome back, big guy!

Cornerback Byron Maxwell left for the greener pastures of Philly, so Seattle turned around and grabbed CB Cary Williams.  If the preseason is any indication, expect one of the young gun corners to step up and grab his spot opposite Richard Sherman by midseason.  Or, if we’re being optimistic here, week four.

SPECIAL TEAMS

Kick kick, punt punt.  Although the Seahawks now lack a long snapper who could kill Peter King with his thumb, they’ll make do.

PREDICTIONS

One of the toughest games this season will be in Week 2, as the Seahawks go to Green Bay, one week after traveling to St. Louis and facing Jeff Fisher’s (possibly rabid) Rams defense. From there, Week 8 is another potentially tough one, as the team goes to Jerry World to square off with Droopy Pants (I’m assuming Romo will be injured and/or dead by then) and the Cowboys, and in Week 14 they go to Baltimore, where Wilson and Flacco have a standing date for milk & cookies after the game.

Oatmeal cookies, if you must know.  Neither QB is the sort of man to dabble in the deviltry known as Thin Mints.

13-3 and another Super Bowl run is not out of the question here. Neither is a 10-6 finish and a loss in the playoffs to Green Bay Dallas (edited post-Jordy Nelson).  Injuries were brutal on the team last year, and although they have been adding depth, it’s hard to…

NO, I WON’T LISTEN TO THOSE NAGGING DOUBTS!  MY PREDICTION?

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS, YOUR SUPER BOWL L CHAMPIONS!!!

Wait, what?   The NFL isn’t using the Roman numeral this year?  It’s just “50?”

Well, crap.