Let’s get right to it-

Pitt at Buff: Martavis should get a significant amount of time because he’s out for the more realer games. 35(!) year old dog’s life-fucker Vick is likely to get some reps as well. 35. Where did the years go, Mike? Oh yeah, prison. Better than Landry Jones I guess. ESPN ranks the Steelers 5th in terms of talent under the age of 25.

It’s E.J. Manuel’s turn to try and tame the wild beast that is the Bills O. The NFL’s biggest jawbreaker, Enemkpali, looks as though he will stick with the club. If you’ve got nothing to do this afternoon you could probably play rb for the Bills in the 4th quarter. Harvin has another hip injury-I think he’ll just move his comfiest chair on to the injury list and leave it there. Buffalo’s D-line looks awesome.

Atl. at Mia.: Here’s a backfield with potential. Smith can break any run, Freeman is a 3 down back coming into his own and rook Tevin Coleman is ridiculously fast AND quick. (there is a difference) However there’s tons of worry concerning the O-line and their blocking ability. Sean Renfree, it was nice knowing you. I think Julio is going to get Megatron levels of attention from Ryan and opposing D’s because it seems like Roddy is slowing down a fair bit at 33.

Tannehill looks better and better each game and I think Miller at rb will benefit the most. Never sleep on rb’s from the U of Miami. Cameron at te should also benefit from stability at the qb position. He’s a sneaky fantasy pick. Will The Dirty Sue make the Fin D ornery? I’m guessing yes and I think they need some sort of identity.

Clev. at Tampa: No Manziel no fun. Sir Duke of Johnson makes his debut. No one is surprised that the Brownies are 0-2. Terrelle Pryor as a wr? Good luck buddy. Bark Mingo, which is a great name for a hard as nails, whiskey-drinking P.I. with woman troubles, will not be playing. Boo. Here’s some sad sack stuff-the te battle is between Barnidge, Housler and Bibb.

Poor Gerald McCoy, a great talent wasted on a perpetually treading water team. Winston is damn lucky to have a wr set like Evans and Jackson to bail him out. After that the drop off in talent is precipitous however. From my perspective, management has taken the bold stance of not valuing the te spot, like, at all. How would you like to be stuck with a Rainey or James if Martin were to get injured? (100% chance)

Min. at Dal: Minny must, must, must take advantage of Johnson and Wallace’s down field speed to stretch the opposing D. AP should take care of the rest. I think this is his last shot at a monster year and if he stays healthy he will do it. Who names their son “Captain”? Looking over the D, they seem to have talent throughout the line, at lb and in the secondary: they might be an under rated unit.

Dez is out but COLE BEASLEY is in. I don’t think he can go anywhere in the Dal/F.W. area without getting his ass slapped HARD by multiple passersby. League sources have informed me that Brandon Weeden will be suspended for the first 4 games of the year. The reason being, and I quote, “Just look at his last name! It’s right there. Could he be more obvious about it?” McFadden is injured. I didn’t read that, I just felt it.

Jets at Giants: The Jets/Giants tilt is called “The Snoopy Bowl”. I didn’t know that. Ivory finally gets the chance to show folks what he can do, which is to get injured by week 4. DE rook Williams is getting rave reviews from anyone bothering to associate themselves with the Jets.

Stevie Brown, last year’s starter at safety, was cut by the Texans. The Texans. [weeps quietly for two minutes] It’s good to get that out of the system. “All injuries all the time” is the Giants new motto. They’re so banged up that Old Man Coughlin is allowing players to rest, relax and re-hydrate ON HIS LAWN! Surely these are the end times.

Chi. at Cin.: Forte only fumbled twice last year? That’s kinda amazing. If his name is any indication, David Fales will not win a spot at the qb position. I’m just surprised he’s made it this far. Royal, Jeffrey and Wilson are out so Cutler has no choice but to overthrow his new best friend, te Bennett. A Bears blog asked “Is it too soon to panic?”. No, it’s never too soon-you want to get in on the ground floor for these things.

Don’t Dalton and Cutler mirror each other with respect to the lack of respect they get from their respective fan bases? Respect. Are you going to hand the ball over to the completely untested A.J. McCarron, you “Skyline Chili-eating underachiever in whatever you decided to do with your life” Bengals fan? I thought Greg Little was going to be something and was rooting for him but I see that he went to UNC. Now he can drown in a vat of medical waste for all I care. Eifert has to put it together…wait, he went to Notre Dame? Clear some room in that vat!

Wash. at Balt.: Goodbye qb pressure! Galette has got himself an Achilles tear. I count about 6/7 guys this year with the same injury. PK has a word for this. 3rd round rook Matt Jones is making DC football fans smile-looks like he’s Morris’ backup. Count on DeSean to make one flashy play and be generally useless before and after. I hope Cousins plays well so that I can continue to hear the one note storyline that Washington sports writers continually throw at the wall. The spaghetti is DONE, boys.

Have you ever dipped a mayo sandwich into a glass of room temperature skim milk? Joe Flacco has. When you need to throw for 23 total yards and give away 2 intercepts that’s what you eat. It’s that simple. Byrn Renner, a 25 year old out of UNC [spits on floor] has come out of nowhere to challenge Schaub for the backup spot. Now where did I put that vat?

Sea. at SD: So they added Graham. Now word is that rook wr Lockett could  be an impact player. They’ve improved their pass rush. God damn 1%’ers get even richer. Blah, blah, blah.

Melvin Gordon gets the start tonight. Given the size of Woodhead and Oliver it’s his job to take/throw away. I bet he takes it. As per Football Outsiders the Bolts are slotted into the 9 win spot. Stevie Johnson might finally be in his happy place qb-wise with Rivers. How he was able to squeeze out 3 thousand yard years in Buffalo will befuddle me for as long as I masturbate on this earth.

Phi. at G.B.: It’s Kiko Alonso Day today! Are you wearing your ceremonial cast? I was wrong about Bradford sucking last week. I’m counting on him sucking this week though. If he doesn’t, he’ll suck the first week of the season. Look, I’m trying to say that Bradford sucks. Kelly just exited his football lab and pronounced, “look out for my new ‘Laundry Basket Y minus 34 Headlight Potato Gratin Zee’ play. She’s a doozy!”.

Some Packer scribe screeched that their biggest weakness might be depth at the O-line. Oh, boo-hoo. If you’re that well off could you throw a safety in the direction of the Giants? Please? I won’t beg (for more than three hours) though.

Ind at StL: Despite being 0-2 I figger that Indy is going to go undefeatified in their division this year. And it’s not going to be much of an accomplishment. Hilton is going to be a beast this year. Mark this down. The Colts have a mere (sarcasm font needed) 38 missed tackles in only 2 games so far. Perhaps defenders will use both arms to take down opponents this evening.

Bring back Vince Ferragamo! Say a prayer for Foles-there’s quite a bit riding on his shoulders. Gurley should help a bit but I see nothing coming from the wr corps. The D looks good and they say that D wins in the playoffs you know. That doesn’t much apply here however.

SF at Den: I’m sure we’ve all seen a friend headed down the wrong path and were helpless to prevent it from happening. That’s the aura that the 2015 49ers give off. Folks that have left the yard include Willis, Borland, Ventrone, Smith, Gore, Iupati, Culliver, Cox, Crabtree and Johnson. Wow.

A writer who attends daily Bronco practices says that Hillman is tearing the place up. Maybe C.J. is going to get squeezed. Certainly the Ghost of Mike Shanahan’s Tan thinks so. This same guy thinks Ball may not make the final squad as well. The Broncos have 12 sacks so far this preseason? Impressive.