Your Early Slate O’ Games Open Thread

Let’s do some games…

Atl @ Dal: Cowboys QB play should be wince-ertaining. Wouldn’t it be great if Dez threw a tantrum while watching from the sidelines? Falcons CB Trufant should take Williams out of the game leaving Potden with…Dunbar out of the backfield? Witten might be able to do something I guess. The other JJ, the one that doesn’t embarrass himself on a near weekly basis, Julio Jones, just keeps rolling along.

Ind @ Ten: This is where the Colts O busts out, right? They did play against two above average D’s (Bills, Jets)- not that that should be an excuse but I thought Luck was better than that. Mariotta has thrown 6 TD’s with no picks at this point but hey, it’s early. There’s plenty of time to come back down  to earth.

Cle @ Oak: The Raiders showed some moxy last week, transferring their impending loss over to the Ravens with only seconds to spare. Now they’re off to see the wizard, uh, Browns. Oakland has lost 19 of their last 20 road games which is impressive and not surprising simultaneously. Browns are down to just 3 DB’s-Pierre Desir (no relation to Pierre Garcon) is to play opposite Haden. At QB McCown is up to bat.

Cin @ Bal: Bengals are 2-0? How’d that get past me? Oh yeah, I don’t care. Surprisingly it’s Eifert leading the team in receiving but I’ve no doubt that Green will speed by soon. Perhaps as early as today. The Ravens #1 corner, Jimmy Smith has given up 10 catches on 16 targets for 141 yards. That’s not what a shutdown gets paid for. Flacco’s buddies in the passing game not named Smith include the likes of Kamar Aiken and Crockett Gillmore. If that’s the case I’m leaning towards Cincy in this one.

Jax @ NE: I hate New England-just putting that out there. That said, this game is a foregone conclusion and the Pats will be 3-0 because there is so much evil in the world.

NO @ Car: Use the running game, Luke! That thing featuring Ingram and Spiller? That one that’s mediocre at best? Yeah, that one. Kuechly is out again but NO is a fat mess right now so it doesn’t much matter. Carolina rolls easy here.

Phi @ NYJ: Philly needs this one desperately and may be without Murray’s complete lack of production. That Kiko Alonso trade has paid huge dividends [makes wanking motion] He’s out after making 7 tackles in two games. Could we see Geno? Probably not but we may not see Decker, Revis and Ivory either. The Jets have forced 10 TO’s in the last two weeks! All hail the Jets DC who is…Kacy Rodgers? Never heard of the guy.

TB @ Hou: This is the sort of game that the average football fan, realizing it’s his only option, would say to himself, “TB/Houston? What did I do to deserve this? [pauses for a moment] Actually, perhaps I should stop masturbating to mental images of that cashier at the drug store that I think might be 18 or so. It’s so hard to tell these days.”

SD @ Min: Covered by Yeah Right.

Pit @ StL: Not sure what to make of this game. The Rams should be able to get after Ben and put pressure on the potent passing game but Bell is back and should have a big one. Gurley is scheduled to play but it sounds like he is hobbled. Hmm. I’ll take the Steelers wearing down the StL D and pulling away in the 4th.

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Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Matt Ryan is trying to out-Weedon Weedon.

Moonbatting Average

They should have just let the Edward Jones Dome burn down

Sharkbait

If the st.Louis cops kill another black guy it just might burn down

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I guess it wasn’t the malk after all

Old School Zero

Mike “Low Percentage Play” McCoy

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Rams pyrotechnics guy

Spur

Falcons waking up.

Redshirt

Watching football outside on tv with my dad. Life is good.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

My dad likes the Giants, but he’s the kind of person who says, “Oh shit, there’s some history thing on Channel 13 on Thursday. I’ll flip back and forth”

It was something on genocide and more uplifting than the game.

Gratliff

How is this Dallas team not just collapsing in on itself?

Kungjitsu

Without their helmets, do you think Tom Brady can tell the difference between Edelman and Amendola? #WelkersAllLookAlike

Sill Bimmons

#ThosePeople

Kungjitsu

I want Marshawn Lynch to replace Troy Aikman.

Sill Bimmons

Matt Ryan? Not so much.

Sill Bimmons
The Maestro

Bucs’ D still 8/8 on conceding red zone TDs. Gotta keep that record of suck immaculate!

JustStopDude

Just pull the couch and place it over the burn mark. That is what I did when my parents went on vacation and I had a party and some shithead left a cigarette burn in the basement carpet.

Sill Bimmons

MALLETTDOWN

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Joseph Randle yeehaw

Old School Zero

I thought for sure Minnesota was going to score there. I have no idea what Butler was doing falling down on the previous play, so we’re hella lucky they dropped it so we could have a chance to intercept!

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Falcons D

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Running club that drinks Mlchelob or a pedophile ring that drinks Stone? It’s a more difficult decision than you think.

Kungjitsu

Is it Michelob Michelob or Michelob Ultra Light? One is a quality beer that I’m not sure they make anymore. The other is Michelob Ultra Light.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Whichever one cleanses your colon more efficiently.

Kungjitsu

I won a 1.75 of Bulleit Rye. I’d never had it before. It’s fucking magical.

Gratliff

I get the penalty for out of bounds on the initial kickoff, but if the ball takes 30 seconds to hit the sidelines after it hits the ground, it’s a bit silly.

Romonobyl

Cole Beastly.

Sharkbait

Fellow degenerates and dick joke conaseurconnoisseurs. How are we?

Sharkbait

Good to see my phone is already drunk

Sharkbait

And my phone is drunk already.

Romonobyl

Lovin’ life!

Sharkbait

And my phone is drunk already

Old School Zero

So far, so good.

Spur

What the fuck did Weeden take this week?!

Romonobyl

I’ll have what he’s having.

The Maestro

It’s the high-test Metamucil this week, I guess.

JustStopDude

Jesus the Ravens defense looks TERRIBLE without Suggs.

blaxabbath

Dalton made that move like he was trying to escape The Other.

Autumn is when I start making Insidious jokes.

King Hippo

Andy Dalton RUSHING TD. Seriously, Ratbirds. Just fucking give up.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Gingerdown!

Sill Bimmons

NOSOULDOWN

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Waitaminute! O’Brien Schofield is black!?

JustStopDude

So Cinci and Balti are doing their “SALUTE TO NFL PENALTIES” show…

Romonobyl

Good morning/afternoon campers! I must say I am thus far immensely enjoying the beginning of The Weeden Dynasty.

blaxabbath

Alright jerks. Wish me luck. It’s gonna be 104 today so — 115 in the parking lot. I’m gonna get drunk af.

The Maestro

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN,’ BOYS?

Kungjitsu

See below

Kungjitsu

1:15 p.m. EDT. Making the transition from beer to whiskey. This isn’t going to go well. Any of y’all know a good divorce attorney?

The Maestro

Not a lawyer, but I can still split you and your wife up if you’d like that.

Spur

Cowboys O-Line playing like they have something to prove.

JustStopDude

Fuck it…I’m just going to sleep on the couch. Its too difficult to not just fall asleep.

blaxabbath

Ravens #91 has sausage fingers.

Sill Bimmons

BRADFLOAT

King Hippo

Jeebus, Ravens. You really fucking suck ass.

Old School Zero

San Diego punt game ON POINT

JustStopDude

“For those of you expected to see the Steelers at St Louis….why?”

Gratliff

I’m pretty sure a high school football coach would have the players watching for RB catches in the flat at this point, Chip.

Sill Bimmons

Kills me to see Dion Lewis playing for the fucking Pats.

Spur

Long live Sean Lee

Kungjitsu

At least Tom Brady didn’t throw a TD pass. HA HA, Mooch. I bet you feel stupid about your “Brady’s gonna throw 7TD passes” bold pick now!!!

King Hippo

I really thought the Jaguras had a shot today. Think I might be at least mildly retarded.

Sill Bimmons

“Dammit Bell! I thought we we clear on the smoking grass thing!”

blaxabbath

The synthetic shit isn’t supposed to garner any attention from the officials.

King Hippo

Throw it to Crabtree, cocksuckers!!!

Gratliff

Oh shit. I can watch Red Zone on the computer in a completely legal way to compliment my less than legal viewing of the Eagles game? Thanks, overpriced as fuck cable!