[in the voice of Sir David Attenborough, noted documentarian]
“Here we see the common North American football fan in its lair. Sprawled amongst the bedsheets, it has had a mostly pleasant evening. Recent advances in the field of Dreamology indicate that the visions it has during the night consist primarily of unprotected and consequence-free sex with friend’s wives/husbands, teachers from high school, co-workers, waitresses, bus drivers, hobos, major political figures, deli clerks, people that held the door open, hair dressers, folks at the gym and individuals that have the STOP/SLOW sign at construction sites. There may be others but this area of Dreamology is getting bogged down in details to be honest. As it rises to face a new day it yawns and performs the ritualistic ‘vigorous scratching of the hind quarters’ and of course it must mark its porcelain territory as well.” [to be continued]
NYJ @ Mia: Miami has the home field advantage over in London but Ivory and Revis are back so that should even things out a bit. The Fins D has made Fitz-type (mediocre) QB’s look good. Tyrod and Bortles averaged a 92 QBR in their games against Miami. There’s talk already on fan sites that things are spinning out of control under Philbin. This implies that they were in a controlled spin before the season started which sounds about right. Seriously, a loss here will go quite far in determining how quickly/long they will #occupyAFCEastbasement. Across the field/ocean there’s plenty of huzzahs for Mr. Bowles who has applied a steady hand to the team in general and the D specifically. This sure looks like a sloppy romp by the Jets, doesn’t it?
I want to see how much of a trainwreck a Fouts-Green-Dilfer booth would be.
Zac Stacy appearance! Get me that .08 of a point, Zac!
He’s a quality RB in Sill’s league.
I have him in the insanity league.
My plan to spend the day fucking off, watching football and making bad dick jokes is being seriously hamstrung by the unexpected appearance of the sun.
“Horatio’s Choice.”
It’s 75, overcast and breezy in Vegas.
Bethlehem, PA has a balmy 51 degrees and a threat of rain.
Sunny, 62 with a light breeze in my corner of fly-over country.
Does it bother Chiefs fans that the Falcons are called Tony Gonzales’s team?
So the GE kid in these commercials is adopted in that continuity, right? Or did Mom bang Jeff Goldblum one night without telling Dad?
“GE: We’re Run By Pussies”
That kid looks terrified of that hammer.
They’re run by Russians?
http://www.morethings.com/fan/bill_murray/stripes/bill_murray-stripes1981-2220.jpg
“Introducing the Miami Dolphin’s new Head Coach: Lane Kiffin!”
“Julio Jones is on fire? Well, bloody put him out then!”
-British NFL Fan
“That guy Fireman Ed is right there!”
“Adam Ruins Everything”….. including his own hair. With special guest Adam Levine, the guy who ruined music.
Holy shit NFL Network. There are other inactives today. Can you maybe tell us who some of them are?
Most of my childhood memories never happened? I just made them up? Goddammit!!!
/withdraws lawsuit against the Catholic Church.
Ted Danson started looking really old, really fast after looking young for way too long.
Whoopi is a hell of a drug.
And Patricia Arquette is looking really fat.
Connor’s ass is getting fired for watching TV while at work.
“All of the Brandon Marshalls!”
-Hershel Walker
I know it’s week 4 but I just noticed that Fox has Cowherd on their pre-pre-game show! Fuck you Fox, and fuck THAT GUY with an over heated chainsaw.
I’ve said it before but Cowherd is great when he sticks to college football. They need to keep him away from everything else.
You know who also loved his college football analysis?
Hitler.
So, let’s send him to Texas then
http://cdn.bloody-disgusting.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/leatherface062711-620×400.jpg
Since the only other game this week was the Steelers’ clusterfuck, will we get 45 seconds of missed field goal highlights?
What the FanDuel are you talking about?
Sorry, “only other completed game,” apparently felt I typed that but didn’t.
I just wanted to pile on FanDuel and you were there…
Woke up hungover, took 1 shot. Already drunk at 10 am but I feel that is appropriate because of this shit show of a game.
As someone who doesn’t get hangovers, I’m sorry but I am doing my damnedest to get drunk ASAP in commiseration.
NCIS: New GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO
Did someone say gumbo”?
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–u6jEnCPZ–/193wxp0ekwqcsgif.gif
This never gets old.
OH YEAH!
Was that a 16 second 3 and out?
Other things that are in Dan Fouts’s head
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/MtObrnaovrI/hqdefault.jpg
I wish we had British announcers for this game.
So…Sir Patrick Stewart and John Cleese? YES PLS
http://media.giphy.com/media/tP2fZCu4K9Yac/giphy.gif
The BBC has Osi Umenyiora on trying to explain the game to the locals – trust me, you don’t want any part of it
Vinnie Jones’ constant stream of insults and profanities from Eurotrip would be perfect for this.
Vinnie Jones doing color and Graham Norton doing play-by-play. Book it.
It goes without saying that Eddie Izzard in drag will be my sideline reporter.
Done and done. Can we get Mr Bean just randomly wandering onto the field?
Lemmy Kilminster, Malcolm McDowell And Jason Statham calling everyone cunts, with extra cunt calling by sideline reporter Brian Johnson.
*SLOPPY ROMP ALERT*
Make us proud
http://i.imgur.com/11eWK9e.jpg
I was hoping like hell I was the only one who saw that.
FML
Fireman Ed appearance, I wonder how a Tri-state area guido can do against a limey hooligan.
Baseball vs cricket bat, take cricket bat every time.
Jobber cognots, ya mucker
At least if Fireman Ed knocks a guy’s teeth out, he’s probably doing him a favor.
No contest; Fireman Ed is gonna whack him with a chair from behind.
J!
E!
T!
S!
FUEL!
CAN!
MELT!
STEEL!
Oh good, Fireman Ed got deported.
Firemen Ed,have hat will travel.
I thought fireman ed had left? What the hell is he doing in london?
See above post
I thought Fireman Ed quit the jets?
Decker does a lefty spike? I wonder if he also wipes lefty.
One of the worst insults I have ever heard: “She looks like the kinda girl who wipes back to front.”
FitzDeckerDown!
I like that random player identification thing, but I hope CBS expands it beyond stars. Like, give me the back judge’s name occasionally.
he brought his lunchpale,,,,
A phrase I am very, very tired of hearing: “and the Jets are in field goal range.”
Fitzpatrick’s scramble made me flash back to that Simon Pegg movie “Run Fat Boy Run”
I’ve watched enough porn to know that photoshoot ends in fucking
I’ll bet the [*Redacted] s’s Bud Light tastes every bit as shifty as it looks. Truth in advertising.
Fan Duel? Never heard of it.
See, when one fan insults another in a manner that Cannot Be Bourne, they agree to meet on a chosen field at dawn, with pistols. Then one fan shoots the other and we get two weeks of think prices on why football is too violent a sport.
As a non-yank, it makes absolutely no sense to me that you guys can’t just bet on whatever the hell you want, and have to have “daily fantasy that totally isn’t a game of chance” to get around it.
The IRS. That’s how the poker sites shit disappeared
I just made the courageous decision to bench Carlos Hyde for Alfred Blue.
That says a lot about the 49ers. And that I am really bad at fantasy football.
Are these Refs using the metric system?
I feel like challenging the spot pays off maybe one time in ten.
A good challenge, just has no chance of success.
HOT TAEKS BY CBS!!!
“They were going to take the timeout anyway….”
Then take the fucking time out and save us the idiotic commentary.
Zebras did not look out for Miami there.
They mark it based on the ball, not the farthest foot, dumbass.
Have the Dolphins run the ball a single time yet today?
Yes. Landry for 14 yards, but since then they have basically depended on the refs.
The best thing about a franchise in London will be the football hooligans. More drunks beating the shit out of each other and going to jail than at The Linc.
Poor Philly, another title down the shitter.
Oh yeah, I totally forgot that the London game was when the Raiders shitcanned Dennis Allen.
Who has two thumbs, is prepared for the Bears to lose to the Raiders, and woke up this morning with gastric distress?
Jimmy Clausen?
Let’s try to narrow it down. We know it’s not Jason Pierre-Paul.
Fitzmagic did not go to Hogwarts. Ppl forget that.
Men. Oh men. Charging your devices in a dead outlet does not, apparently, work as expected. But I am flush with electrical power now, and ready to fly to London and beat holy hell out of Devin Smith because aside from running really fucking fast, he sucks.
How’s tricks?
They should call that show Black’s Anatomy.