Because Rioting is a Summer Event

I wasn’t on the open thread Thursday night – because I’m a Ravens fan.

Instead, I was busy drinking cheap beer and whacking myself in the head and crotch with an anodized fish bat – because it felt better than having to watch that hurricane of shit called a football game.

Things aren’t great in Baltimore these days, and football always provides us with a pleasant distraction. Not this year. No wide receivers, no defense, no running game, no playoffs. No shit.

Anyway, should you visit my hometown, and don’t want to watch Joe Flacco run like a retarded calf, here are some other things you can do.

Top 10 Things to Do in Baltimore Now that Football is Dead

10. Corpse sighting in the Inner Harbor.

9. Get $100, go real estate shopping in West Baltimore, become next Donald Trump.

8. Become a competitive urban dirtbiker, get Steve Bisciotti to sponsor team.

7. Put “For Sales” sign on Dean Pees’s front lawn.

6. Convince Mike Trestman to become a priest, promise lots of “fringe benefits.”

5. Find Ed Reed under a bridge, pay him two ham sandwiches to unretire.

4. Meet with Under Armour, inquire about “cloning technology” they used in Dreamboat commercial, see if they can apply that to entire secondary.

3. Talk to Joe Flacco about considering chocolate milk.

2. Think about maybe becoming a Jaguars fan.

Blame Irsay.

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WhyEaglesWhy

Editor

October 6, 2015 9:51 pm

I once paid Ed Reed two blintzes to paint my fence, and he never did it.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Editor

Reply to WhyEaglesWhy

October 7, 2015 8:37 am

THOSE BLINTZES WERE TERRIBLE.

/obligatory

laserguru

Editor

October 6, 2015 2:12 pm

I’m pretty sure I’ll be making a pilgrimage to Baltimore next May, along with DC. My brother and I have been doing the baseball parks of America grand tour (22 stadiums so far) and we have these two destinations on the to-do list.
Any ideas/suggestions as far as food, places to see, where to stay so you won’t get stabbed etc would be appreciated,

blaxabbath

Editor

Reply to laserguru

October 6, 2015 2:20 pm

Just don’t break the law and you won’t have any problems!

Doktor Zymm

Admin

Reply to laserguru

October 6, 2015 2:28 pm

Any sort of thing in particular? There’s loads of stuff to do in DC, so were you thinking Smithsonian type stuff, or less museumy? As for food, there’s good Ethiopian places. I think Ben’s Chili Bowl is still featured on every Food Network show that goes to DC.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Admin

Reply to Doktor Zymm

October 6, 2015 2:45 pm

DC DFO Meet-up?

And what Zymm said. DC has changed a ton, so there is a little brewery bus tour circuit where you can hit Bluejacket, DC Brau, and 3 Stars, or Green Hat Distillery is pretty awesome for touring/volunteering to bottle their gin. Food wise, it’s all changed. Go hang out on 14th street with 85% less chance of getting shot and 150% better restaurants.

Sill Bimmons

Reply to Doktor Zymm

October 6, 2015 3:42 pm

Mmmm…

http://spatialdrift.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/meskerem-atlanta-ethiopian.jpg

laserguru

Editor

Reply to Doktor Zymm

October 6, 2015 5:03 pm

There will be a few museum days. I’ve never been to DC. We are looking at a couple of days in B-more and about 4-5 days in D.C.

nomonkeyfun

Reply to laserguru

October 6, 2015 8:14 pm

Yeah Right,

I love B-More, but spend as much of your time as possible in DC. Haven’t been there for 10 years, but, look to Adams-Morgan, but really, if you or your Bro have any sort of sixth sense about restaurants, trust that. With all the diplos in DC there are spectacular places to eat for anything you want. I don’t remember the names of the places, but G’Town has at lest one spectacular Vietnamese place. Adams Morgan used to have great Argentine food(nomonkey got quite drunk there on sangria in High School), and Ethiopian food, which is a really underestimated cuisine. There are many, many other great restaurants in DC.

When you’re in B-More I’ve got two food recs.

The fist is the Paper Moon Cafe. Good late night place to eat. Around the Hopkins campus. Pretty good “fancy” diner food.

Friend went to Hopkins/ lived on the border of the Ghetto and Hampden. Will send you location of great scrapple tomorrow.

I know it’s Greenmount or there abousts. 20 years sinseI’ve been there but insane breakfast at that place.

If you want to go out and drink, go to Fells Point.

That’s where the “popular” bars were the last two times I spent time in Bodymore. They are somewhat touristly, bit reasonably priced and quite popular with the younger crowd.

I’m sure JJ can call me a Dumbass for my opinions.

Doktor Zymm

Admin

Reply to Doktor Zymm

October 7, 2015 10:00 am

If you’re a fan of live music in the more punk rock sort of genres, Sidebar Tavern in Baltimore is a fantastic bet.

Adams Morgan is not really the hip place anymore, though still insane crowded on weekends. It’s sort of where a lot of people that used to party there moved to and they all have kids now so it’s a bit strollery. Petworth is the current hipster neighborhood. The H Street Corridor is the middle ground. U street is actually kinda upscale now. I used to be a regular at Wonderland Ballroom, which is walking distance(ish, if you like walking) from Adams Morgan over in Columbia Heights.

jjfozz

Author

Reply to Doktor Zymm

October 7, 2015 12:38 pm

I’ll second that place Zym spoke of – and the Otto Bar is another great place to see a band. Neighborhood is 50-50 but us DFOers fear no one.

Senor Weaselo

Admin

Reply to laserguru

October 6, 2015 7:14 pm

The couple days I was in Baltimore (college checking/auditions) I’d say all the nice things are in the Harbor. I’ll defer to Mr. Fozz on this, but I thought the Rusty Scupper was pretty good, and Camden Yards is quite nice. And abusing Jermaine Dye was a lot of fun.

Bloody Lethal

Reply to laserguru

October 6, 2015 8:18 pm

I always liked the Rusty Scupper seafood restaurant on the Inner Harbor in Baltimore.

http://www.rusty-scupper.com/

Place kicks ass.

jjfozz

Author

Reply to laserguru

October 7, 2015 8:37 am

Downtown is relatively safe, and the places around Camden yards, inner harbor, etc., are also okay. As always, know where you are and who’s around you.

Places to eat: Dempseys at the park is not bad; little italy is a cab ride away – try Chiparellis; James Joyce pub is killer for drinks, and if you want to go REAL upscale, try Wit and Wisdom

Local color, Pickles and Bleachers, it can get a little frat bro in the summer and then there’s pratt st. ale house, not bad

Bloody Lethal

October 6, 2015 1:28 pm

I went to college in Baltimore for a time and it’s unfortunate that I pretty much hate Maryland now. It felt like they weren’t enough Northerners and weren’t enough Southerners, just a bastard vortex.

Also one night on York ave people pelted us with paintballs as we walked to the bars. It was the most respect I ever had for the place. That and the night I had to outrun two muggers with knives. Fear = RESPECT.

jjfozz

Author

Reply to Bloody Lethal

October 6, 2015 1:47 pm

Be happy they were paintballs and not actual bullets.

Sill Bimmons

October 6, 2015 1:14 pm

I had probably the greatest single night of my life in Baltimore before the Ratbirds ruined it.

A few of the guys I went to high school with went to Delaware, and every now and then we’d meet up there and head to Charm City. Destination: Hooters. This was over twenty years ago. Shut up.

So we get there and beer starts flowing and somehow every one of us had waitress game. Seriously knocking these ladies dead. We go to leave and our waitress Ginger says that we should meet her and her roommates out at a bar in her neighborhood later when they get off work. So we do.

I’m chatting Ginger up and it is one of the only times I’ve ever been in the zone like that. Everything I’m saying is funny and witty and she’s laughing so hard she can barely stand up. I learn through conversation that she’s half German and half Thai, and she represents every positive physical attribute of both. She asks me if I want to leave. I do.

Lost her number, never saw her again. Coooooooooooooool story.

Bloody Lethal

Reply to Sill Bimmons

October 6, 2015 1:39 pm

?w=640

SonOfSpam

Editor

Reply to Sill Bimmons

October 6, 2015 1:40 pm

“…she’s half German and half Thai, and she represents every positive physical attribute of both.”

So she was a ladyboy who hates Jews?

Sill Bimmons

Reply to SonOfSpam

October 6, 2015 3:38 pm

Exactly.

Don T

Admin

Reply to SonOfSpam

October 6, 2015 11:00 pm

Corpse sighting makes a great second date. And fuck the Ravens!
Except for Smith Sr., Flacco, and that math-guy OL. That Persado shit’s messed up tho.

ballsofsteelandfury

Admin

Reply to Sill Bimmons

October 6, 2015 9:39 pm

Sooooo, how did the evening end…?

blaxabbath

Editor

October 6, 2015 12:55 pm

Mobtown Ratbird Footbawl!

Stabby Pants

October 6, 2015 12:45 pm

I’d heard from other fans the back up plan was to cheer for the Bills, because Rex and Tyrod. In order to escape the disappointment and aggravation of bad football, they were going to follow the Bills.

We can’t even bandwagon correctly this season.

jjfozz

Author

Reply to Stabby Pants

October 6, 2015 2:01 pm

I don’t believe it, but I do believe it. I can hear this conversation, out on the walkways of M&T Bank stadium. Two guys, wearing faded 52 jerseys, jorts, smoking Pall Malls and drinking warm beer while bitching about the team, invoking the return of Billick, and throwing around racist slurs. It all fits.