Your Early Games Slate

Excuse the mess around these parts. A hellacious, take-no-prisoners Canadian slap fight took place here yesterday. I see certain commenters in a whole new light now and as for me-I don’t think I’ll ever be quite the same again. I regard these upcoming games as a salve for the many psychic wounds incurred. Let’s get to them, shall we?

Chi @ KC: The Battles of the 1-3’s! Cutler is questionable but expected to play so I can’t use the word Clausenfuck. Damn it! Bears leading receiver is Bennett, averaging 50 yds. per game. That’s not going to cut it. Chicago has 13 guys listed as questionable and has had to throw together the old tried and true “patchwork” line to protect Cutler. He’ll be blamed for their inevitable failure against a Chiefs squad that can get to the QB. Don’t put it past Reid to completely ignore JC inside the red zone YET AGAIN.

Sea @ Cin: Cincy is favoured by 3 in this game and Lynch will miss his 2nd straight game. Dalton is ginger-hot with a 9/1 TD/Intercept ratio. Both teams have won their last few games-Wilson has been sacked a league-leading 18 times so far while Dalton has fallen into enemy hands just twice so far. That’s good protection! Seattle is third best in QB pressures though. All-Pro Geno Atkins doesn’t care-he’s up against Justin Britt and the incipient skid marks he’ll have on his undies.

Was @ Atl: Slurs D has improved from 31st last year to about 11th to date. They are ranked #2 in yards allowed in the run game. Pass D might be an issue though-starting in the secondary this week is a 2nd yr. guy, a rook and a recent signee. JULIO SHALL FEAST. Much like Dalton/Green, Ryan/Jones have a very exciting and unstoppable thing going these days. Despite that I’d say that Freeman’s 448 combined yards and 7 TD’s have been more significant regarding Falco’s ritzy 4-0 start.

Jax @ TB: It’s the battle of the 1-3’s! Sound familiar? Welcome to Goodhell’s NFL. Hard to tell by the record but Bortles is progressing, Yeldon looks to be the future of the backfield and Robinson would be getting much more print were he in a more football-friendly city. Also, TE Thomas is expected to put in his first start today. The huge news in Tampa is that Connor Barth is back in town! If he makes 51% of his field goals he’ll be an improvement over Brindza. So, what I’m saying is…THE BAR IS LOW FOR HIM! (God, I love kicker jokes, don’t you?) Thar be talk that Head Pirate Smith be walking the plank before the next full moon.

NO @ Phi: Rob Ryan’s D gives up 9.8 yards per pass play. That’s right, pass against the Saints and you win a first down. Last I heard this was a passing league and you have to defend the pass. Pass-Wolfman’s not getting one. Ingram and Matthews-respective RB’s in this game-have one thing in common, they both lead their team in rushing and receiving. I guess that’s two things. Contrary to what you may think this game is rated AAA by the good folks at Duracell.

Cle @ Bal: Browns D is ranked 28th overall. Throw out last year with Tampa and McCown has a 17/2 ratio going back to his Bears days. Thanks to this statistical finagling I can put it out there that he’s a serviceable QB which he is not but can anyone do anything here? Browns starters are dealing with more than their share of boo-boos-Robertson, Gipson, RB’s Draugh, Turbin and Johnson, Hartline, Dansby and Haden are all out or playing wounded. The Ravens pass game is so bad Chris Givens is looked at as an upgrade. [looks over WR crew] Hmmm, Smith, Waller, Brown, Aiken and Campanaro…huh, I guess he is an improvement.

StL @ GB: Gurley went squirrelly last week against an above-average Cards D. His reward? Green Bay on the road. If the rook can keep the ball in his hands for lengthy periods of time it will give the Rams a shot at a win. The Pack are favoured by 9, are 4-0 ATS and have won 11 straight at home. A Rams win is not going to happen.

Buf @ Ten: Watkins is out today. I do love the way the Bills are playing D but Ryan lets them go off the rails at times as we saw against the Giants last week and the end result is a ton of stupid penalties. Due to injuries in the backfield Boobie has got to get it done for Buffalo and I have faith in him because Boobies have always done it for me. The Titans running yards leader is Sankey with 126 and their receiving king is Wright with 213. Oof! Those are lousy numbers, kids. Mariota is humming along to the tune of 8 TD’s and 2 intercepts. Rook QB’s need to keep their mistakes to a minimum (listening are we Winston?) and he’s done that. It was evident even in pre-season that when a play or protection broke down he didn’t get panicky. Now, how about a little help, D?

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King Hippo

What a FactoryDOWN!!

Gratliff

I’m all about awful awful Saints if it means no more pretentious “How the Saints Saved New Orleans” Katrina pieces during the playoffs.

Brick Meathook

The Saints built newer, stronger levees. The Saints burned quite a few corpses as well.

John Difool

SHATTY ICE 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

blaxabbath

I feel like this fatso in the CenturyLink commercial is…..well, I just feel hate for him.

Gatoraids

Jeff Fischer should dye his moustache pink to show real awareness

Lothar of the Hill People

Is there any sane argument why Washington shouldn’t change their mascot/nickname to the Redtails? Honor underappreciated minority war heroes, get rid of a racist (or at the very least, controversial) mascot/nickname, can keep the same colors and everything sounds similar. Should be obvious.

Oh wait. Washington’s been Snyder’d.

Sill Bimmons

Have you seen the film of the same name?

It would be even worse.

Lothar of the Hill People

Haven’t seen the movie, but know the history. The nickname predates the movie.

Gratliff

You REALLY want to see what Dan Snyder would do with a Redtails logo?

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, it’d be pretty bad, I’m sure.

But could it be worse than the present?

John Difool

Yea, the fans don’t want it either, doesn’t matter who the owner is.

blaxabbath

I like controversy. I think they need to double down on it.

Sill Bimmons

All those bullshit endorsements and fake events weren’t doubling down?

He’s got the mortgage riding on a 2 and a 5.

entropy

“The Washington Drunken [*Redacted] s?”

Lothar of the Hill People

I want Shad Khan to buy the Cleveland baseball team and change the mascot to a Hindu fakir.

JustStopDude

My theory is Danny Boy wants a new stadium…

John Difool

Helluva baseball score in Atlanta.

Redshirt
ThePirateSloth

No he don’t!

Redshirt

No, I meant that Andy Dalton has to win this game instead of just not lose it.

ThePirateSloth

I’m drinking with you either way.

Sill Bimmons

Even the Big Z isn’t immune to the Scobees today!

entropy

Elvis Dumervil’s groin will not return vs Browns. But what about the rest of him?

ThePirateSloth

Fisto Roboto?

Col. Duke LaCross

Very underrated flick.

Lothar of the Hill People

“It took us 2 days to wipe the smile off his face”

Jesus Tennessee

King Hippo

Lookit those resilient Deadskins?

Sill Bimmons

That was good coverage.

Pass interference really should be reviewable.

blaxabbath

Foles is bad.

HOW THE FUCK DID WE LOST TO HIM LAST WEEK AT HOME?!

blaxabbath

I feel like that needed an obama blaming to be a true ‘fans react’ post.

Brick Meathook

Hands off bitch, that hair dye is Just For Men.

John Difool

Much better and wetter than Washington shitting the bed….Atlanta shitting the bed.

Lothar of the Hill People

“You have the right to remain sexy”

Sill Bimmons

Clay Matthews has to be the biggest bro douche asshole fucktard in the known universe.

nomonkeyfun

So JJ Watt is no more.

laserguru

I wholeheartedly endorse this comment.

entropy

Today’s banner image looks like the aftermath of someone bombing a puppy litter, not something you’d expect at a football game.

And then you see the Browns logos, and it all makes sense.

laserguru

It could be the poster for the Cleveland production of Les Mis.

Sill Bimmons

Production halted at The Factory as rumors of unionization sweep across the shop floor.

Brick Meathook

This picture is amazing on so many different levels.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Implied anal.

Redshirt

PRAISE THE HEAVENS! THE BENGALS HAVE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PROMISED LAND!!!!

Gratliff

Chip’s going to just unleash his frustration on this awful Saints team now. I dig it.

Redshirt

“Screw it, lets go for 100!”

blaxabbath

That UO lost to lowly WSU yesterday — I bet he gets $20mil to go back to the Ducks when this is all over.

WCS

CHUH CHUH

Lothar of the Hill People

Sheesh. Catler just lost one of his nine lives there. Almost had his leg ripped off.

Redshirt

Some would blame the offensive line and turnovers for the Bengals being down 17-points, but somehow I feel this is Joe Buck’s fault.

nomonkeyfun

When there’s a muck, blame Buck.

entropy

I blame Joe Buck for everything from stubbing my toe to the Armenian Genocide.

John Difool

Devontae Freeman is what Demarco Murray hopes to be when he grows up.

entropy

A 13 yard punt. Thirteen fucking yards. Just shoot the kickers now, end the misery.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

i’d marry her knowing that she was going to stab me to death about 14 months in.

King Hippo

this is indeed a better fate than enduring months 15+ of marriage, 9 times out of 10 anyway…

Lothar of the Hill People

Where’s her belly button? It seems like it should be visible.

JustStopDude

The Ravens secondary are terrible. Its like watching 4 declining Ed Reeds back there, thinking they are bigger and faster than they really are, and that they don’t need to tackle.

blaxabbath

Rams trick playin’ to keep the pressure on GB.

Plays CLE next week. Will get killed.

ThePirateSloth

The Seahawks def line are going after Andy Dalton like it’s legal to hunt soulless redheads.

Sill Bimmons
ThePirateSloth

Well when she’s 18, tell her to call me

Sill Bimmons

No, she’s illegal because she has a soul/

I never post underage photos.

Col. Duke LaCross

Nice kick Sturgis.

entropy

Based on the current state of kicking in the NFL, teams are just going to keep swapping the same shitty kickers until the position is eliminated, right? That’s Goodell’s end game?

WCS

Right after the elimination of defenses, those who speaking against THE SHIELD, and other professional sports leagues.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is Nick Foles in CIA Special Rendition? He’s getting mercilessly beaten.

Gratliff

Rob Ryan on the sideline filling out his exit interview.

entropy

That’s actually a menu, and he’s ordering cheesesteaks, just like Andy used to.

JustStopDude

Back to back challenges…

NFL!!!! CATCH THE EXCITEMENT!!!!

Lothar of the Hill People

NYG!! CATCH THE MRSA!

Gratliff

Holy shit, New Orleans.

entropy

Dunlop might want to check the scoreboard before celebrating that sack.

Sill Bimmons

Announcer: “Kirk Cousins a little bit off on a couple of these deliveries.”

Sill Bimmons

Helps when you remember to post the joke pic:

Gatoraids

Kirk Kunduz

King Hippo

In other news, Kirk Cousins still kind of blows.