[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

Log In

NFL Quarterly Report, Whose Season is Finished (Part Two)

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

/

Here are the NFC evaluations.  Again, only focusing on teams below .500 right now.

NFC

NFC EAST

Dallas Cowboys

Record 2-3, Points Scored: 101; Points Allowed: 131; Total Offense: 17th; Total Defense: 14th; Jerry’s State of Mind: Hookers, Need Hookers; Pantz Dooped: 25.

All is rotten in the State of Jerry.  The losses of Romo and Dez Byrant for most of the season probably ring the death knell for the Cowboys this season, when they appeared to be poised for a strong season.  While the NFC East is not filled with world-beaters, I think the Giants should have a solid lock on this division.

Washington Redskins

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 97; Points Allowed: 104; Total Offense: 11th; Total Defense:  6th; RGIIIs morally, spiritually, physically broken: 1; Races & Ethnicities offended: 93.2% of all known subsets.

I’m surprised at the quality in the total offense and defense #s.  The Redskins probably will be a surprisingly competent 7-9 and may even hit that rarefied air of 8-8, but I doubt they are a serious challenge for the division title and no way are they a wild card team. However, Dan Snyder and his apparatchiks will do their thing and continue to slowly corrode this team from the inside.  I have a feeling Snyder will finally relent on the name, but in true Dan Snyder fashion he will call them the Washington N!gg3rF@gg0ts or Washington Klansmen, and he’ll spike concession prices a further 250%, and poison the Chesapeake Bay.

Philadelphia Eagles

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 117; Points Allowed: 103; Total Offense: 21st; Total Defense: 23rd; Good Players Traded Away/Released: 10; Mediocre Players Acquired: 10; Chip Kelly Insanity Level: Grigori Rasputin; Eagle Fans’ Belligerence Quotient: 23.9% above average.

Well they are not the complete clusterfuck they were on the path to be earlier in the season, but Chip’s quixotic offseason moves are not the resounding success that he (and realistically only he) thought.  Injun Brad hasn’t suffered his season ending injury yet, but then again El Shitbox is waiting in the wings.  I am sure Eagles fans will pelt Chip to death with Cs & Ds sometime in the next year or two.

NFC NORTH

Chicago Bears

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 86; Points Allowed: 142; Total Offense: 27th; Total Defense: 4th (this really highlights the problem of judging a defense by total yards allowed, they are the 5th worst team in scoring defense); Cutler Fucks given: 0.

How this team did not implode after a complete bed-shitting start is beyond me.  This looked to be the worst non-bovine caused conflagration that had hit Chicago.  Cutler was poised to be railroaded out of Chicago upon a Giant sausage.  Still no fucking way are they competing for this division, but this team looked like it was going 2-14, and but may get 6-7 wins.

Detroit Lions

Record: 0-5; Points Scored: 83; Points Allowed: 138; Total Offense: 26th; Total Defense: 22th;  Matt Stafford Chins gained: 2; Rule-Caused Megatron TDs lost: 1.

“And the 1st pick of the 2016 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select …”.  I doubt anything is as certain in this sport as hearing these words next year.  While an 0-5 start does not guarantee a horrible season (the 2013 New York Giants started 0-6, but finished a respectable 7-9 considering the circumstances), it’s looking dreadful for the Lions.  They are putting up no organized resistance any more.  They will not go 0-16, but 2-14 is a good prospect.  They have more losses after week five than they did in all of the regular season last year.  I wonder when we find out Jim Caldwell has been dead all these years and was just moving around because of a colony of bacteria had tapped into his motor functions.

NFC SOUTH

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 110; Points Allowed: 148;  Total Offense: 20th; Total Defense: 8th; Jameis’s Crustacean Crimes: 51; Lovie Smith’s Crimes Against Timeouts & Challenges Verdict: Guilty (/Lovie throws challenge flag; judge and jury shake head)

Lord have MRSA! I know it’s not from his NFL career, but that is one of my favorite sports fails gifs.   Jameis has 7 INTs so far. Like Tennessee, this season was a rebuilding one for the Bucs, but the major difference is everyone hates Winston.

New Orleans Saints

Record: 1-4; Points Scored: 103; Points Allowed: 143; Total Offense: 7th;  Total Defense: 32nd;  Rob Ryan Disheveled Level: Beyond Maximum Capacity, Core Overload; times Pronunciation of “Orleans” is butchered by a broadcaster: infinite.

I’m surprised a man like Rob Ryan isn’t fighting his ass off to remain in New Orleans, outside of Vegas, that city is made for a guy like him.  You want to be doing this in Jacksonville, Rob?  Enjoy the Gumbo and Po-Boys, New Orleans.

NFC WEST

St. Louis Rams

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 84; Points Allowed: 113; Total Offense: 32nd; Total Defense: 13th; Inexplicable Wins against Vastly Superior NFC West Teams: 5.

St. Louis has only two wins against much better divisional rivals, but hasn’t looked good in its other games.  I do not get this team sometimes.  They are below average, but have a strange tendency to beat teams they have no business doing so.  I can’t really say much more beyond that.

Seattle Seahawks

Record: 2-3; Points Scored: 111; Points Allowed: 98; Total Offense: 15th; Total Defense:  5th; Snake-Oil Products Endorsed By Russell Wilson: 12.

HAHAHAHahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHah C-Hox, not the start you envisioned did you.  Fuck off Cocky Pete.  Seattle still has a good shot of making the playoffs, two of their losses were against the hottest teams right now, but I think the Cards will take the division.  Russell Wilson is finding new ways to piss everyone off though, so Seattle’s hateability is still strong.

San Francisco 49ers

Record: 1-4; Points Scored: 75; Points Allowed: 140; Total Offense: 29th; Total Defense:  31st; Jed York Scuttle Plan: Mission Accomplished; Odd Jobs Jim Tomsula has worked in past 48 hours: 5.

This was predictable considering what happened over the offseason.  Jed York couldn’t handle Crazy Harbs, so he blew up the team.  Isn’t nepotism wonderful?  9ers were one of the elite teams the last couple of years and this jag-off self-immolates them because Harbaugh hurt his widdle feelings.  I can’t imagine a worse scenario for to start one’s head coaching career, but at least Jim has experience scrapping by.   Hope you save enough to buy a lawn mower Jim, you need to find a way to make ends meet when you inevitably lose the job.

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
39 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is good work here; the half season report should be delicious.

0
Brocky

‘d just like to point out that the bears have scored more points in their four games without jimmy Clausen than the lions, rams, and 49ers have in five.

Adding to that, I don’t think it’d that far fetched that the bears might contend for a wild card spot. (bear with me here)

2-3 with 11 games remaining. Certain losses against the packers and broncos puts them at 2-5. Winnable games against the buccaneers, redskins, 49ers, a sweep of the lions and a split with the Vikings puts them at 8-6, with 2 toss up games against the rams and chargers (or float up), they could finish at 9-7 or 10-6.

Obviously I’m not holding my breath, but the defense is playing above expectations l, bears will get some of their hurt receivers back, and the offensive line can only improve, and who knows.

0
blaxabbath

Bears are getting a mid-round pick and the cycle shall continue….

0
Brocky

Can 21st be considered mid round?

0
SonOfSpam

The Lion King gif makes me sad, so I’m gonna go jam a fireplace poker in that Minnesota dentist’s eye. That should help somehow.

0
King Hippo

It made me laugh for about 5 solid minutes, but then again I’m a sick bastard.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have to admit this has helped me in the past. It was an orthodontist from Idaho with an ax, but still…..

0
exinkwretch

Hawks fan here. They’re toast. Their “fuck the O line, Tom Cable is a genius and can turn walk-ons into Pro Bowlers” strategy has finally bit them firmly in the ass. The secondary is Sherman and shit. And as some wag on another site once said, “Russell Wilson is Tom Cruise if Tom Cruise were a foot taller.”

0
blaxabbath

I think SEA is going through the natural progression of teams that make back to back Super Bowls on the backs of cheap labor (also dynasties are difficult on a locker room, I understand) but I think, looking bad on their season, you’re going to see they were a victim of unfortunate schedule distribution. Early/hot @Bengals and Panthers (two teams bound to cool off) and PIT with THE BEN back (whereas ARI will get Vick, most likely). Away games @GB/@MIN — it seems like all their home games are against opponents they don’t need the advantage to beat (less maybe CAR/PIT). But CHI, CLE, DET at home? If I offered SEA to play two of those away and one in London in exchange for @MIN to become a home game, Carroll would take that in a heartbeat.

Being bookended with division games is crap shoot — worked out well for them last year where they got ARI and STL with backup QBs.

0
Bloody Lethal

That Tomsula gif…

http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/tumblr_niryo6RMBR1rertyro2_400.gif

0
scotchnaut

As a Giants fan I had given the division to the Cowboys at the beginning of the season and looked forward to comfortably nestling into third place. I’m tickled pink right now.

0
Warthog

That’s where they get you. Take away hope, restore hope, crush nuts in a vise.

0
scotchnaut

Don’t I know it-I’ve no doubt they’ll lose to the Bucs and then beat the Pats the following week. They’re the Giants, after all.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

You think the NFL is going to let you stay pink past october?

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s really to in the stink at that point isn’t it?

0
Doktor Zymm

It’s almost like when the Rams acquired all those draft picks from the ‘Skins they also acquired the ability to get 5 or 6 wins, with a couple against much better teams, and then finish last in the division.

0
blaxabbath

So you’re suggesting they effectively traded for a curse?

0
Lothar of the Hill People

You know RGIII is going to get cut by Washington, and then for shits, Jeff Fisher is going to sign him.

0
Doktor Zymm

That would be a total troll move, and pretty hilarious, but also a horrible idea. When the Redskins destroy a QB, they REALLY destroy a QB. RG3 was very talented and had loads of potential to be great at the position, but thanks to his years in DC he is now fated to go the way of Jason Campbell. I look forward to watching his two good weeks starting as a Raiders backup QB.

0
King Hippo

Historically, Indianapolis is the best choice for the Klansmen. Or Tennessee.

0
entropy

Snyder’s gonna rename the team the Washington 3/5ths, and then just say it’s a nod the rich cultural heritage of this great nation.

0
King Hippo

God, is it ever fun to revel in teh misery of others.

0
entropy

I’m trying, but I just know the Jets are going to take a steaming dump on my heart later this season, so I’m keeping my enjoyment at a low burn right now.

0
Warthog

Though it’s a little earlier than usual this season, I’m left cheering for schadenfreude, which has had a tough year with the Patriots, THEE Ohio State, and Duke all taking titles. Here’s hoping schadenfreude bounces back with a strong 2015-2016.

/hate,hate,hate

0
nomonkeyfun

If Little Danny ever has his come to Jesus moment(no offense), he would be like most converts and incredibly strict and ban any gear featuring the old team name or mascot from FedEx/UPS/DHL/Bike Messenger Stadium.
Then, he would require every person attending the game to wear official branded merchandise from Washington that could only be purchased in the stadium at stadium prices.

tl;dr/
Snyder will continue to screw the fans and screw them out of their money at every opportunity, because he is the worst.

0
Enrico Pallazzo

HAIL TO THE N!gg3rF@gg0ts!!!

0
Why Thank You Eddie

Actual real lyrics hidden under original owner George Marshall’s statue at old RFK stadium.

0
SonOfSpam

Actually, to honor their owner, it’s “Hail to the Midgjews”

0
montythisseemsstrangetome

The Rams are very capable of playing up to better opposition. And very capable of playing down to worse opposition. And just when you think you’ve got their off-script script down, they go off-off-script and lose badly to a much better opponent.

I guess what I’m trying to say is please don’t let the Cards’ season end today.

0
blaxabbath

Having a top 5 most challenging schedule may be the only saving grace for a team that plays up/down to their opponent.

0
nomonkeyfun

The Eagle fans won’t be throwing C or D cell batteries at Kelly.

They’ll be throwing these.

http://ace.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/pACE-976576dt.jpg

0
entropy

They might have him publicly flogged by the end of the season.

0
Doktor Zymm

There’s gonna be a bunch of fans who won’t be able to figure out why their car doesn’t start after they heave the battery onto the field.

0
Old School Zero

JIM TOMSULA in… HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN FORMATION!

GUEST STARRING ED REED AS ED REED! GREG SCHIANO AS THE PLAGUE! MARC TRESTMAN AS SANTA CLAUS!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE OF STEVE SARKISIAN AS HAIRSPRAY-DRINKIN’ PETE!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Pelted to death with D’s? What the hell does that mean?”

– A very confused Gozer The Destuctor after instructing Aaron Rodgers to choose the method of his destruction

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It just…popped in there.”

Aaron Rodgers, explaining the whole deal with the lightbulb to the E.R.’s on-call proctologist

0
King Hippo

MILLION TO ONE SHOT, doc!!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It’s Miller Time!”

– Heath Miller, to the Steelers team doctor after being asked what time it is as part of the concussion protocol after that that personal foul last night.

0
39
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x