Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 8)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: 30,000 BC, some time after noon. The DFOers have been brought back to the savages’ camp, and are being held under guard in a hut, except for Otto’s Brain, who is being rolled back and forth by some of the children out front.

Covalent Blonde: I still say we should’ve put up a fight.

Horatio Cornblower: Ordinarily I would agree, but if, as I suspect, we’re in earth’s past, then any damage we do here could result in severe changes to our own time.

OSZ: Wouldn’t we just create an alternate timeline?

Everyone turns to look at him.

Covalent Blonde: Come again?

OSZ: You know, we’d create a different future but it wouldn’t affect ours…like Earth-1 and Earth-2.

Horatio Cornblower: You’ve lost me.

OSZ: In the comics. There was an earth with all the superheroes from the present, and then a different one with all the guys from the past…?

Everyone, including the savage guarding them, is looking at OSZ.

Covalent Blonde (pointing): Nerd!!!

OSZ: I mean, I remember those from when I was a kid…

Covalent Blonde: Ha! You are so lucky this hut doesn’t have a locker.

Horatio Cornblower: You may have a point, OSZ, but we can’t take the chance.

Ottos’ Brain (rolling by outside of the hut): Wheeeeee!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van opens his bag of weed, produces a paper and starts rolling.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man, it’s like this one time when I told my friend I’d drive him to the movie but then I forgot and then he, like, read a book instead and now he’s a lawyer, man. I mean, if I could go back and change that day I totally would.

Horatio Cornblower: Well, that’s not exactly what I meant…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van lights up and inhales deeply. Everyone watches him, including the savage. Covalent Blonde looks at her watch. Finally he exhales a huge cloud of smoke.

Covalent Blonde: Seventeen seconds! Not a record, but not bad.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van holds up the joint, offering it around. The savage takes it and inhales deeply as well. Everyone waits, but he holds it in. OSZ grabs Covalent Blonde’s wrist and looks at her watch.

OSZ: Twenty-one…twenty-two…

The savage exhales, a happy grin stretching across his face.

Stoner Savage: Ahhhh…mooga aroonga.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (taking another hit): Nice, man! We’re cruisin’ now.

Ottos’ Brain (rolling by in the other direction): Wheeeeee!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and Stoner Savage giggle.

Stoner Savage: Mahinga motta!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally, man!

Covalent Blonde: OK, Marc’s got a new friend.  But we’re still up the creek, as far as I can see.

Horatio Cornblower: It may look bad now, but we’ve been in tight spots before.  Remember, even the longest journey starts with the smallest step.

Stoner Savage (looking at Horatio in awe): Muwanga!  Po po bok bok.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, yeah, man, he’s like that all the time.  He’s, like, a full-contact philosopher, y’know?

Covalent Blonde: Do you understand what he’s saying?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, yeah, man.  He totally speaks stoner.

OSZ: Well, maybe you could ask him what they’re going to do with us, then.

Covalent Blonde: Yeah.  If I’m going to be the main course at cannibal Thanksgiving, I’d like to know.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (to Stoner Savage): Hey, man, so, like, what’s the score? Are your buds out there, like, gonna eat us?

Stoner Savage (looking shocked): Nahimba maka!!!  Guk po nak.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: He’s like, kinda insulted, guys.  He said that the tribe is actually, like, vegan, man.  `

OSZ: Well, that’s a relief.

Stoner Savage: Mukka momo pahinga.  Juk po baka.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh.

Covalent Blonde: What?  What the hell does “Oh” mean?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Umm…he said that the tribe is vegan, but, like, their god isn’t.

OSZ: Their…god?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man.  Sounds like he’s a bogus dude, man.

Covalent Blonde: Don’t tell me…

Stoner Savage (sadly): Momu puk.  Grubba.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, man, it’s not your fault.

Horatio Cornblower: They’re going to sacrifice us to their god, aren’t they?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man, and that’s not even the worst part.

OSZ: It gets worse?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man, totally.  That was, like, my last paper.

Ottos’ Brain (rolling by again): Wheeeeee!

To be continued…

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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MikeWallaceAndGromit

Enter stage right: Beergh, God of Flags, Lord of Penalties.

Beerguyrob
entropy

30,000 years in the past? I don’t even become something you have to worry about for a few billion years in the future. Damn.

packman_jon

I ain’t going to save you guys from the early history of mankind AGAIN

Old School Zero

Puff puff, give! Come on, maaaan.

blaxabbath

I’d like to see TEBOW go back to 30,000 BC and watch him preaching about salvation for events that won’t happen for thousands of years.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

But what a fertile market for circumcisions!

monty this seems strange to me

Po po bok bok

Police chicken?

WCS

At least Otto is enjoying himself.

Martin

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ballsofsteelandfury

At least I was killed by Girl Scouts. Honorable way to go, IMHO.

nomonkeyfun

I figured they just gave you a nice beating like in the Sopranos. Have you ever seen a dead pay up to the Cookie Mafia.

Horatio Cornblower

He got all the best lines too.