Your Early Slate Open Thread

Was @ NYJ: This game features two above average D’s that get it done differently. The Slurs blitz a league-low 11% of the time and the Jets a league-high 53%. QB-wise Cousins has two pick-sixes that have lost games and Fitz hasn’t cracked 1,000 yds yet and has 6 Int’s to go with his 64.5 QBR. TO THE RUN GAME! Ivory  is a tough, slug-it-out between the tackles type that usually doesn’t go down after first contact. No wonder he’s had so much trouble with injuries through his career. Morris is a slogger as well, averaging 3.1 ypc this month. Looks like an old-timey fight-it-out-in-the-trenches kind of game to me. I think the under on this game is 3.

Ari @ Pit: Vick has a dog’s breath QBR of 28-dead last in the league but you already knew that and the fact that this game depends on Bell. ‘Zona’s wins have come against NO, the Bears, the 9er’s and Detroit. So yeah, they can beat down their weaker brothers but this is a test I think they’ll fail. According to PFF, DE Heyward and LB Harrison are the 5th and 2nd best at getting QB disruptions at their respective positions. I’m glad to see the Hall of Fame Fitz is having a big bounce-back year-he’s averaging 8+ targets per game and making the most of them, having scored 6 TD’s already.

KC @ Min: In KC, if you look to the West there are Charcandrick’s as far as the eye can see. Most of the talk in that town centers around how exactly will Andy Reid mis-use him. I’m going with, “chews up significant yardage, gets into a groove and then is taken out of the game for seven minutes”. Meanwhile, no worries in Minny about AP-he just moved into 10th place all-time for RB TD’s. As we all know, Smith is faced with the blitz often on 3rd down and can’t handle it. He’s ranked 34th out of 35 qualifying QB’s with respect to QBR on that down-expect the Vikes to have a series of small get-togethers in the Chiefs backfield over the course of the game.

Cin @ Buf: Dalton is my “Five Games In” MVP. He’s racked up 1500+ yards, 11 TD’s with only 2 picks-he’s doing everything right at the moment. Soooo…needless to say, die-hard Bengal-backers are wondering when the other cleat is going to drop. The Bills should get McCoy back today after Boobie brought the 2.7 ypc thunder against the Titans last week. Hey Look!-over there under “Questionable” status, it’s Percy Harvin getting comfortable again. It looks like Manuel gets the start today-maybe he’ll play really well and the Bills will have a QB controversey on their hands? Nah.

Chi @ Det: Yards per pass attempt-wise you’re looking at the two worst teams in the league. Of course an argument could be made that you’re looking at the two worst teams, period. Let’s move on, shall we?

Den @ Cle: The Bronc’s have given up 79 points total so far this year-don’t expect too many more to be added to that total today. What’s got only one functioning arm and is using it to hang on for dear life? The Peyton, that’s what. His 77 QBR is 20 points below his career average. He should use that big noggin of his to figure out that this is his last year. I’ve turned the corner on Josh. He’s thrown for over 1200 yards (to the likes of Barnidge, Bowe, Hartline and Hawkins-though Benjamin has been a surprise) with just the one pick. That said, he’ll probably double that total to two after this game. The Brownies have numerous problems but the QB spot isn’t one of them.

Hou @ Jax: Speaking of doubling up, one of these teams will do so in the win column today. Hopkins is on fire-his 578 yards and 75 targets lead the league. The one game I saw (yeah, I watched a Texans game, come at me) he did whatever the hell he wanted to do on the field, no matter the coverage and with ridiculous ease. Hoyermallet will get the start though if history is any indicator, we may see some Mallethoyer. The Houston coaching staff is looking more and more like that girlfriend that can’t quite decide between the red dress or the green dress. Over at a Jax fan site they’re celebrating the fact that they’re favoured for the first time this year. Hug that one point close Lennie, I mean Jags fans, but not too tight unless you strangle it a la Of Mice And Men. I do think that a steady dose of Yeldon, Hurns and Robinson should get this done though.

Mia @ Ten: Titans have lost their last 7 home games. Ouch. Meanwhile, new coach Campbell had this to say upon being hired, “Miso excited about this opportunity to turn this team around. Rest assured we will play Miller a lot more-he’ll be ramen left, ramen right and ramen right up the middle. Landry will dashi up and down the field, no doubt about that. The D is going to be more aggressive-I’ll be calling for bisques from all directions. We’ve got to get the opposing QB to say to himself, ‘What The Pho?’ Okay, I’ve got to go and prepare my team, GAZPACHO, one and all!”

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entropy

Ah damn. Gonna be hard to lose this one, Detroit. ARE YOU UP TO IT?!?!

WCS

THE BEARISTOCRATS!

Doktor Zymm

Not touched, but not caught.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Terrible reffing all day both ways in this game… and FUCK

litre_cola

You sound surprised.

Redshirt

Sanders is out of bounds. He’s gonna get bailed out

blaxabbath

When did Chicago adopt the cursive B logo? Seems kinda half-assed.

Lothar of the Hill People

1951

makeitsnowondem

That’s a damn touchdown.

makeitsnowondem

Holy shit never mind he’s out of bounds!

John Difool

Warming up the stacks at the factory

comment image

Sanders you moron

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna do another Mad Libs, but instead of using PK’s column, I’m gonna use footage of the Browns game, and instead of using the words you put in the blanks, I’m just gonna substitute the word “butt” every time they say McCown.

entropy

Refs have money on 0-16, Part 2, as well.

JustStopDude

Come on Bears…I want another 0-16 Detroit season!!!!

WCS

It appears the Lions will be happy to do it themselves.

King Hippo

BRUTON!!!!

makeitsnowondem

People talk about our troops being heroes, but the real hero is David Bruton.

makeitsnowondem

THANKS JOSH OR LUKE

Old School Zero

GREG

fleshwound_NPG

Browns.

Doktor Zymm

Things people might think GSH stands for : God Shittin’ Hell

entropy

WTF? Did someone spray Stafford with water? Fat bastard’s sweating like the buffet’s about to close.

Doktor Zymm

Spilled his Natty Ice

blaxabbath

On the plus side, my college bball team had their 1st scrimmage yesterday. I can focus on that now that the Cardinals are in freefall.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Why didn’t the Bears call timeout right away just in case the Lions get a TD? They have no timeouts so they could just kneel down if they get the ball back and don’t need to score

Lothar of the Hill People

Injury time out.

Saint Taint

Caldwell is fixin’ to kick a field goal.

Old School Zero

IN
COM
PLETE

King Hippo

FUCK YOU

/was funny

King Hippo

FACK you, shitty punter

Doktor Zymm

Shameless family plug : My cousin just got a job with em, so drink em if ya see em

comment image

makeitsnowondem

These guys are real good. Top-ten or so American brewery.

Saint Taint

Didn’t care much for the Union Jack but the PIVO was pretty tasty.
I’m in Illinois, but it was actually recommended by a dude in Ca.

entropy

No no no Fox, fuck you, Bears @ Lions is in no fucking way “bonus coverage.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More like “bone-us” coverage, amirite?

Doktor Zymm

You are correct. The word “bonus” is from the latin meaning “good” and that in no way describes Bears/Lions.

King Hippo

Noooooooooo Demaryius……..

makeitsnowondem

The shit, Demaryius?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

With all those birds on the field this Cleveland-Denver finish is looking like a John Woo film.

Old School Zero

/two handed finger guns in slow mo

Doktor Zymm

So, how can Detroit get 4 points to send this shitshow into OT? Or possibly IT?

nomonkeyfun

Jane you ignorant slut.

I haven’t watched a football game this season until today. At a bar that has a beer, shot, and a dog for $5..
If I weren’t on my third order I would hate the world with the flame of a million suns.
As it is, I would put it at 250,000 Suns. So a normal weekday hatred.

entropy

4-1 Jets, soon they will have the dreaded EXPECTATIONS and it’ll all go to hell.

Doktor Zymm

That Browns uni demands a different font

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stupid McCown. Just take the sack and eat the time.

King Hippo

He’s a McCown ,, smgdh

There are two hot chicks trying to give away free Miller Lites. But I can’t even, because Miller Lite is HORSE PISS

Doktor Zymm

Any of you West Coast folk familiar with Firestone-Walker?

Brick Meathook

Nope

JustStopDude

Boy I have really started to detest Dan Aykroyd. I kind of always viewed him as a B-level Bill Murray, but now I am convinced he is a hack and will do anything for money.

blaxabbath

Did Uproxx buy the NFL Twitter account?

“…this catch is AMAZING!”

“OMG DeAndre Hopkins YOU CAN JUST STOP!”

“..THERE ARE NO WORDS!”

entropy

The NFL had a field on Twitter and the INTERNET EXPLODED.

makeitsnowondem

When you see what Martavis Bryant did you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO EVEN

Sill Bimmons

Is it #UpForWhatever

litre_cola

Sponsored by FanDraftDuelKings

Old School Zero

Draft Kings is ON FLEEK

King Hippo

Shit, overtime and ordering another beer is now my BEST case scenario. Life really Goddamn sucks.

Old School Zero

I only WISH the Chargers/Steelers game had gone to overtime.

King Hippo

Well now don’t I feel like an asshole.

/am an asshole

entropy

You’re having a rough go of it, my friend. Make the best of it. Get a shot, too!

makeitsnowondem

Honestly rather see Cleveland score a quick touchdown.

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Martavis

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus, that Martavius Bryant touchdown was like watching someone running Bo Jackson around in Tecmo Bowl.

Old School Zero

THE BEN is gonna be a coach someday, I’m calling it now. He’s having too much fun on the sidelines right now.

entropy

He is gonna be so much to photoshop smashing through walls….

Old School Zero

CAN’T WAIT

Sill Bimmons

God bless @LSUFreek

fleshwound_NPG

Assassins Creed: Random History Event Subject

Templars did it!

Old School Zero

Assassins Creed: Kent State

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Sill Bimmons

Somewhere, Greggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg just wrote “Game over.” in his notebook.

Doktor Zymm

[*Redacted] s : moribund
Red Zone : Playing the Bears game non-stop
Drink : Empty

I will remedy the one element of this trio of horror that I have control over.

Brick Meathook

I can totally see Cleveland fumbling on the one yard line here.

blaxabbath

Only being able to beat sub-.500 teams is not going to help ARI in the playoffs (I mean, after they play the NFC South champ).

evilbeaver8

Jacksonville is kind of amazing really….they draft new and presumably better players each year…sign free agents who are presumably better than the players they replace…yet they never…ever improve…not one bit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

LOL. I know! It’s quite uncanny.