Your Early Slate Open Thread

Was @ NYJ: This game features two above average D’s that get it done differently. The Slurs blitz a league-low 11% of the time and the Jets a league-high 53%. QB-wise Cousins has two pick-sixes that have lost games and Fitz hasn’t cracked 1,000 yds yet and has 6 Int’s to go with his 64.5 QBR. TO THE RUN GAME! Ivory  is a tough, slug-it-out between the tackles type that usually doesn’t go down after first contact. No wonder he’s had so much trouble with injuries through his career. Morris is a slogger as well, averaging 3.1 ypc this month. Looks like an old-timey fight-it-out-in-the-trenches kind of game to me. I think the under on this game is 3.

Ari @ Pit: Vick has a dog’s breath QBR of 28-dead last in the league but you already knew that and the fact that this game depends on Bell. ‘Zona’s wins have come against NO, the Bears, the 9er’s and Detroit. So yeah, they can beat down their weaker brothers but this is a test I think they’ll fail. According to PFF, DE Heyward and LB Harrison are the 5th and 2nd best at getting QB disruptions at their respective positions. I’m glad to see the Hall of Fame Fitz is having a big bounce-back year-he’s averaging 8+ targets per game and making the most of them, having scored 6 TD’s already.

KC @ Min: In KC, if you look to the West there are Charcandrick’s as far as the eye can see. Most of the talk in that town centers around how exactly will Andy Reid mis-use him. I’m going with, “chews up significant yardage, gets into a groove and then is taken out of the game for seven minutes”. Meanwhile, no worries in Minny about AP-he just moved into 10th place all-time for RB TD’s. As we all know, Smith is faced with the blitz often on 3rd down and can’t handle it. He’s ranked 34th out of 35 qualifying QB’s with respect to QBR on that down-expect the Vikes to have a series of small get-togethers in the Chiefs backfield over the course of the game.

Cin @ Buf: Dalton is my “Five Games In” MVP. He’s racked up 1500+ yards, 11 TD’s with only 2 picks-he’s doing everything right at the moment. Soooo…needless to say, die-hard Bengal-backers are wondering when the other cleat is going to drop. The Bills should get McCoy back today after Boobie brought the 2.7 ypc thunder against the Titans last week. Hey Look!-over there under “Questionable” status, it’s Percy Harvin getting comfortable again. It looks like Manuel gets the start today-maybe he’ll play really well and the Bills will have a QB controversey on their hands? Nah.

Chi @ Det: Yards per pass attempt-wise you’re looking at the two worst teams in the league. Of course an argument could be made that you’re looking at the two worst teams, period. Let’s move on, shall we?

Den @ Cle: The Bronc’s have given up 79 points total so far this year-don’t expect too many more to be added to that total today. What’s got only one functioning arm and is using it to hang on for dear life? The Peyton, that’s what. His 77 QBR is 20 points below his career average. He should use that big noggin of his to figure out that this is his last year. I’ve turned the corner on Josh. He’s thrown for over 1200 yards (to the likes of Barnidge, Bowe, Hartline and Hawkins-though Benjamin has been a surprise) with just the one pick. That said, he’ll probably double that total to two after this game. The Brownies have numerous problems but the QB spot isn’t one of them.

Hou @ Jax: Speaking of doubling up, one of these teams will do so in the win column today. Hopkins is on fire-his 578 yards and 75 targets lead the league. The one game I saw (yeah, I watched a Texans game, come at me) he did whatever the hell he wanted to do on the field, no matter the coverage and with ridiculous ease. Hoyermallet will get the start though if history is any indicator, we may see some Mallethoyer. The Houston coaching staff is looking more and more like that girlfriend that can’t quite decide between the red dress or the green dress. Over at a Jax fan site they’re celebrating the fact that they’re favoured for the first time this year. Hug that one point close Lennie, I mean Jags fans, but not too tight unless you strangle it a la Of Mice And Men. I do think that a steady dose of Yeldon, Hurns and Robinson should get this done though.

Mia @ Ten: Titans have lost their last 7 home games. Ouch. Meanwhile, new coach Campbell had this to say upon being hired, “Miso excited about this opportunity to turn this team around. Rest assured we will play Miller a lot more-he’ll be ramen left, ramen right and ramen right up the middle. Landry will dashi up and down the field, no doubt about that. The D is going to be more aggressive-I’ll be calling for bisques from all directions. We’ve got to get the opposing QB to say to himself, ‘What The Pho?’ Okay, I’ve got to go and prepare my team, GAZPACHO, one and all!”

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Damnit Decker

Senor Weaselo

Dammit Decker.

King Hippo

Godfuckingdamnit, PeyPey

Spur

Roethlisberger kept Arians out till 5:00 am, drinking and whoring.

JustStopDude

Whoa…Buffalo has TWO black quarterbacks?!?

If the NFL can handle that…why does Snyder get away with using a slur as a team name again???

Lothar of the Hill People

Not just two black quarterbacks, but two CRAPPY black quarterbacks.

blaxabbath

Does PIT sell standing room only tickets? I always see that spiral walkway (I assume) packed during games.

Doktor Zymm

Dear Sunday Ticket. STOP GIVING ME TECHNICAL ISSUE MESSAGES AND START PLAYING FOOTBALL BEFORE I LOOK UP WHERE YOUR OFFICES ARE, BUY A PLANE TICKET, AND FLY DOWN THERE TO YELL AT YOU IN PERSON.

blaxabbath

I’ve only ever had service support when I’ve suggested a company’s CEO and board of directors (by name) need to go kill themselves.

Gratliff

Love having my team on primetime. Really frees up my entire day for red zone goodness.

blaxabbath

50 yard pass to start the game.

Yep – BA is attacking the PIT secondary.

evilbeaver8

Hmmm…Donks v Dumpster fires or Bears v….fuck it…naptime.

Spur

Morning folks. No Cowboys futility today, so am cheering against the teams I hate. Carson Palmer is gonna expose the PIT secondary

blaxabbath

Hate PIT (mostly due to their fans but also because of the SB) but goddamn Mike Tomlin looks cool.

And I say that after seeing Bruce Arians in OAKLEYS!

entropy

Big fan of Omar Epps, huh?

entropy

Oh hey kickoff.

Senor Weaselo

Oh shit.

Doktor Zymm

Logic! Glorious Logic!

King Hippo

Scotchy – offer money to your progeny. Only way this ends well

JustStopDude

FUCK FUCK UFCKFU FUCKFUFCKFINFCOIFOFUFCLFIFLCCFFIUF FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK!!!!

Did laundry after I came back from the bar last night.

Apparently instead of using fucking cloths washing machine soap, I drunkingly used fucking the dishwasher soap instead.

I think I royally fucked my apartment washing machine…

Brick Meathook

I hope they play some DraftKings commercials. I love those things.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

My Jets/Skins preview :

http://i.imgur.com/HFndY7Y.gif

blaxabbath

I can see the guy in the Prism/Century Link commercial being responsible for the Panthers’ fire alarm scandal.

Sharkbait

I’m at work. While I consider myself to be a benevolent-ish dictator, the incompetence of some of my underlings is slowly driving me insane. I can’t even drink yet. Must resist urge to kill.

Sharkbait

Television operation center.

At least I get to watch all of the games right now.

American Pie Story

Hey guys, long time no see.

I’ll be at Humps-Pats tonight so no rivebrogging later. You might see me in the end zone. I’m the skinny* one.

*Indianapolis skinny is 200 pounds

blaxabbath

Are they hanging the ‘Week 6 Participant’ banner at halftime?

King Hippo

So you have to post more today then, you funny as he’ll.

King Hippo

Goddamn phone grammar autocorrect

fleshwound_NPG

With no Dolts game, I get both early game broadcasts

[games are Detroit and Cleveland]

fuck

Doktor Zymm

Ahh, one of the rare weekends I can actually sit at home, with my glorious giant TV, and watch interruption-free football. I already had myself some onion and garlic laden pizza, now for the tough choices. Which goes better with a defensive/shitty-QB/heavy run game battle, cheap red wine, Manhattans, or Martinis?

King Hippo

YES!!

John Difool

Moonshine and heroin

blaxabbath

This is why I hate east coast trips. To be drunk for 10a kickoff I need to be slamming all that stuff at 8:45a. I don’t have that in me anymore.

Brick Meathook

Mix ’em and invent a new drink. Give it a cool name.

entropy

I like it that you think there’s going to be any “battle” in this game. Just drink whatever is within reach, understanding that said reach gets waaaaaayyyy less accurate as the game goes on (like both QBs).

Doktor Zymm

“Battle” is a relative term.

entropy

Morning, people! It’s Beer for Breakfast Sunday as I hold out hope that both of my local Fox affiliates are telling me the truth and the Jets game is on TV…. I have 35 beers, half a bag of Doritos, some peanut m&m’s, and a strong desire to be nearly blind by the second half. Without liquor that will be difficult, but not impossible, but I believe in myself.

That said, if the Jets start getting blown out by the…. what the fuck are we calling them now, anyway? There were a lot of good options from that thread…. Anyway, I’m just gonna crack the Bacardi and chug the fucker. Hello, DFO. Hello.

bourb0nblues
John Difool

” The Day of Living Dangerously”

King Hippo

Scotchy, I swear to fuck 90% of my pre-divorce fights were about this. My ex liked to sleep in, so I was glad to oblige. I got up, took care of the kids, did errands pre-football. Did laundry AROUND the games. Still got shit for pointing out I had done my share of work and was not doing shit that required focused effort or being out of the house during.

God, divorce has its benefits. We get along GREAT now.

fleshwound_NPG

via ape, Bills fans Billsing

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blaxabbath

How old is the one on the right? I might have a comment to make.

JustStopDude

comment image?w=250&h=177&crop=1

Seriously…you made me just run into my kitchen to vomit.

Spanky Datass

Garbage plate gone bad?

“Revenge of the Garbage Plate!”

JustStopDude

Project Bright Side…I like it.

“Sure we lost to the Browns last week…but in 100 years, we will all be dead”

John Difool

“Sure we have Dan Snyder as an owner but…..”
No wonder the [*Redacted] s weren’t in that segment, there is no bright side.

King Hippo

Jeebus, I hope sooner than THAT

King Hippo

Huzzah, good man!

My barkeep is a nice lady, but wearing a pats shirt. This confuses me.

/at least not a jersey, like ALL the Yinzers here.

//am the only Donks or Factory representative

blaxabbath

Good morning. Two thoughts on the fox pregame show:

1) What could have POSSIBLY given A-Rod such arm strength at his age?!
2) Can Harbaugh just brush off last night on account of him not recruiting that punter?

JustStopDude

I just imagine those poor kids in the locker room, getting sprayed with chewing tobacco and diet coke, as Harbaugh proceeds to fucking mess himself with rage.

King Hippo

In teh spirit of Most Glorious Commentist Party, I ordered simply “Sierra” at my local sports pub. They looked at me curiously. I used the full beer name. They no longer carry it. 🙁 gentrification

For luck, I chose the Pale Ale with the most Manning-juju nexus on the beer menu, Abita Wrought Iron IPA out of Covington, LA. May the force of Archie be with you, PeyPey.

Worry not, fellow Donks. If it no worky, I will switch to Highland Brewery’s Gaelic Ale (a regular Pale Ale brewed in Asheville, NC, which is prime UT Vols country) as my backup. More my palette anyhoo.

There’s a guy here in a Meeechigan sweatshirt. This really amuses me.

Brick Meathook

I went and saw the floats in Pasadena after last years Rose Parade. I bought a Floriida State 2015 Rose Bowl commemorative coffee mug.

JustStopDude

I’m fairly certain that I am so hung over, I violate about three separate articles of the Geneva Convention…

Brick Meathook
Redshirt

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful
And this streak is so delightful.
And since my QB doesn’t blow
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪

King Hippo

Order your QB to blow today. You’ns can win, so long as all teh fantasy points belong to jeremy Hill.

fleshwound_NPG
Redshirt

I’m surprised there wasn’t a cartoon on the other side of that wall.

Redshirt
laserguru

I had no idea that Joe Pesci was a Dolphins fan.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Since I’m in the Memphis area, I’m force to watch the Titans and Dolphins as an early game.
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entropy

“Forced” sounds so final and violent. Perhaps you could go with “my eyeballs will be raped by Titans/Dolphins today.”

fleshwound_NPG

They are showing the punt derp in Michigan again. Oh my god it is still beautiful.

Redshirt

It was a derp inside of a derp; the hero broke his hip after the play.

King Hippo

It’s like the Tebow year, without the evangelical dipshittery. Why not put 8 in the box?

King Hippo

It makes me want to cry, but I can;t deny the truth nor humour of your statement.

fleshwound_NPG

SNOW!

King Hippo

ooooh, where?

fleshwound_NPG

BUF

King Hippo

COOL, my money league foe starting Dalton (he also has Luck), Eifert, and Gio.

King Hippo

every fantasy champ will be the Devonta team

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Never not correct

King Hippo

Even the South is embarrassed of Florida ,, ppl forget that

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
King Hippo

Come on, that totes looks like HERITAGE to me!!!1111

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, hey, you may say worst team in football, I say worst team that I root for.

King Hippo

Fucking Alshon Jeffery. Now I can’t play Marquees Wilson, I am stuck guessing amongst the shit options of Tate, Antonio Andrews, and Clay. Since I probably need upside, leaning Tate. If I were playing “floor” I would just play David Johnson since Chris is my RB2 and David will no doubt vulture one of his TDs in Yinzerville.

fleshwound_NPG

My monthly full Sunday off. Calorie count already above a nation’s GDP.

fleshwound_NPG

Massive burger and fries before 11am. Burger had a massive fried egg. Going to order a pizza in a few minutes. About 3 meals before noon. No intention of moving today besides to get/order more food.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

King Hippo

well, PART of you might be moving

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