Your Early Slate Open Thread

Was @ NYJ: This game features two above average D’s that get it done differently. The Slurs blitz a league-low 11% of the time and the Jets a league-high 53%. QB-wise Cousins has two pick-sixes that have lost games and Fitz hasn’t cracked 1,000 yds yet and has 6 Int’s to go with his 64.5 QBR. TO THE RUN GAME! Ivory  is a tough, slug-it-out between the tackles type that usually doesn’t go down after first contact. No wonder he’s had so much trouble with injuries through his career. Morris is a slogger as well, averaging 3.1 ypc this month. Looks like an old-timey fight-it-out-in-the-trenches kind of game to me. I think the under on this game is 3.

Ari @ Pit: Vick has a dog’s breath QBR of 28-dead last in the league but you already knew that and the fact that this game depends on Bell. ‘Zona’s wins have come against NO, the Bears, the 9er’s and Detroit. So yeah, they can beat down their weaker brothers but this is a test I think they’ll fail. According to PFF, DE Heyward and LB Harrison are the 5th and 2nd best at getting QB disruptions at their respective positions. I’m glad to see the Hall of Fame Fitz is having a big bounce-back year-he’s averaging 8+ targets per game and making the most of them, having scored 6 TD’s already.

KC @ Min: In KC, if you look to the West there are Charcandrick’s as far as the eye can see. Most of the talk in that town centers around how exactly will Andy Reid mis-use him. I’m going with, “chews up significant yardage, gets into a groove and then is taken out of the game for seven minutes”. Meanwhile, no worries in Minny about AP-he just moved into 10th place all-time for RB TD’s. As we all know, Smith is faced with the blitz often on 3rd down and can’t handle it. He’s ranked 34th out of 35 qualifying QB’s with respect to QBR on that down-expect the Vikes to have a series of small get-togethers in the Chiefs backfield over the course of the game.

Cin @ Buf: Dalton is my “Five Games In” MVP. He’s racked up 1500+ yards, 11 TD’s with only 2 picks-he’s doing everything right at the moment. Soooo…needless to say, die-hard Bengal-backers are wondering when the other cleat is going to drop. The Bills should get McCoy back today after Boobie brought the 2.7 ypc thunder against the Titans last week. Hey Look!-over there under “Questionable” status, it’s Percy Harvin getting comfortable again. It looks like Manuel gets the start today-maybe he’ll play really well and the Bills will have a QB controversey on their hands? Nah.

Chi @ Det: Yards per pass attempt-wise you’re looking at the two worst teams in the league. Of course an argument could be made that you’re looking at the two worst teams, period. Let’s move on, shall we?

Den @ Cle: The Bronc’s have given up 79 points total so far this year-don’t expect too many more to be added to that total today. What’s got only one functioning arm and is using it to hang on for dear life? The Peyton, that’s what. His 77 QBR is 20 points below his career average. He should use that big noggin of his to figure out that this is his last year. I’ve turned the corner on Josh. He’s thrown for over 1200 yards (to the likes of Barnidge, Bowe, Hartline and Hawkins-though Benjamin has been a surprise) with just the one pick. That said, he’ll probably double that total to two after this game. The Brownies have numerous problems but the QB spot isn’t one of them.

Hou @ Jax: Speaking of doubling up, one of these teams will do so in the win column today. Hopkins is on fire-his 578 yards and 75 targets lead the league. The one game I saw (yeah, I watched a Texans game, come at me) he did whatever the hell he wanted to do on the field, no matter the coverage and with ridiculous ease. Hoyermallet will get the start though if history is any indicator, we may see some Mallethoyer. The Houston coaching staff is looking more and more like that girlfriend that can’t quite decide between the red dress or the green dress. Over at a Jax fan site they’re celebrating the fact that they’re favoured for the first time this year. Hug that one point close Lennie, I mean Jags fans, but not too tight unless you strangle it a la Of Mice And Men. I do think that a steady dose of Yeldon, Hurns and Robinson should get this done though.

Mia @ Ten: Titans have lost their last 7 home games. Ouch. Meanwhile, new coach Campbell had this to say upon being hired, “Miso excited about this opportunity to turn this team around. Rest assured we will play Miller a lot more-he’ll be ramen left, ramen right and ramen right up the middle. Landry will dashi up and down the field, no doubt about that. The D is going to be more aggressive-I’ll be calling for bisques from all directions. We’ve got to get the opposing QB to say to himself, ‘What The Pho?’ Okay, I’ve got to go and prepare my team, GAZPACHO, one and all!”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jacksonville vs. Houston? Redzone, you should be ashamed of yourself. I’d rather watch ads for Ford trucks.

JustStopDude

Taunting penalty on the Bills during a special teams play?!?!

I AM SHOCKED! SHOCKED I SAY!!!!

JustStopDude

Hey…where is Mike, Crow, and Servo?!?

entropy

Kenny Albert is just digging for positive shit to say. “He has never missed an extra point.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, can we change the Browns’ name to the Cleveland Prolapses?

King Hippo

OK, there’s your points for the day, Wade. Make it hold up.

blaxabbath

There are, no shit, 4 weekends a year where leave the doors/windows open. During 2 of those, I can watch football.

My neighbor is out running over branches with his lawnmower right now.

makeitsnowondem

Can’t Joe Arpaio do something about this?

blaxabbath

I’m in a fucking white neighborhood…

Martin

Kill him. Justifiable homicide.

Redshirt

Sneak a brick into the pile

Senor Weaselo

Ivorydown!

Spur

Alright Vick show me those 2 yard throws and 3 and outs

Pete Morrelli has that perpetual look of “I don’t want to be here”

The Maestro

THESE BROWNS UNIFORMS I CALL THEM GOATSE GONE WRONG BECAUSE IT’S MOSTLY BROWN WITH A LITTLE PINK SHOWING INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY ‘ROUND

entropy

Decker believes in redeeming himself. ARE YOU WATCHING, MARSHALL?!

blaxabbath

For being the Steel City, PIT’s stadium sure shows a lot of concrete and plastic.

HAVE SOME FUCKING PRIDE!

Doktor Zymm

It seems only Donks/Shitpiles works. Dear god pink looks awful with those Browns unis.

Senor Weaselo

In fairness everything looks terrible with those Browns unis.

Spur

I wish the NFL refs would at least be consistent with their pick calls.

blaxabbath

Anyone else ever made kombucha? I bottled mine and, apparently, didn’t strain it well. Can I consume these solids collected at the bottom of the bottle?

Martin

That’s the best part

blaxabbath

I feel like I shouldn’t trust this internet suggestion….

entropy

“Fitzpatrick has completed all three of his pass attempts.”

Fuck you, Kenny. Just…. fuck you,

Gratliff

Teddy Bridgewater is not sucking. This feels wrong.

Spur

Heinz field turf always looks like shit.

entropy

How does one run violently? Is he just stabbing and shooting people as he runs by?

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Ray Rice

blaxabbath

I had a boombox of taco bell last night.

I can tell you all about violent runs.

John Difool

My violent runs usually come from a combination of Taco Bell and cheap beer.

makeitsnowondem

Gentlemen.

King Hippo

Make PeyPey better, snow….

makeitsnowondem

tryin

blaxabbath

I wish more teams had disprespected Bruce Arians. He seems all about this PIT game and they took out Cutler for not hiring him.

Doktor Zymm

“Dear DirectTV, you suck” email has been sent.

How much longer before I cave and switch over to the Bears game on local broadcast? I don’t particularly want to watch the Bears game….I would need to chug some liquor first.

blaxabbath

“..and we will respond within 72 hours.”

King Hippo

Time to start using those powers for evil after all, , imo godbless

The Maestro

HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?

It’s 1:20 and I’m already drunk. This is gonna be an iiiinteresting day, all right.

entropy

I am IMPRESSED.

Spur
King Hippo

NO. BAD KUBES! FG!!!!!

fleshwound_NPG

Browns uniforms, still the worst ever.

The Maestro

FUBU is vying hard for that new merchandising contract I guess.

blaxabbath

Has a TV show ever become cannon for a superhero franchise? I understand the Batman Animated Series fit in (in it’s own way) but is Gotham like, legit?

Brick Meathook

Golden Girls

King Hippo

Just get in FG range

King Hippo

I dunno what buttchugging is, nor do I care to learn.

blaxabbath

Let’s just say, when I heard that the latest school shooting was at Northern Arizona University, I paused. When I heard the victim was a frat boy, I went back to whatever I was doing.

Spanky Datass

Jags GO FOR IT on 4th and 2: BORTLESCEPTION nullified by D-holding.
ALL THE DERP!

Spur

Screens are back on the menu boys!
– Honey Badger

blaxabbath

Vick did not impress on that opening drive.

tundrajim

So the choices are Skins-Jets, or Texans-Jaguars. It’s like choosing between herpes and syphilis.

entropy

DAILY fantasy? Have you about these one-day leagues that pay money?,

Senor Weaselo

Wait, doesn’t syphilis win because it’s curable?

fleshwound_NPG

Supergirl gonna last what, 3 episodes?

entropy

I’ve heard that pilot is watchable, but it looks so fucking bad. Like “The Cape” bad.

blaxabbath

Is she like supermans daughter?

Or is this like a chemical lab thing and they just go, “You’re like a girl superman!”

John Difool

Garcon just put up a vacation house on Revis Island.

blaxabbath

Cards are gonna put like 10 in the box.

Probably gonna get burnt by Heyward-Bay.

entropy

Is it acceptable to shotgun beers in your own living room? Or is that a tailgate-only thing?

blaxabbath

It’s your fucking living room. If you can shoot someone for walking into it, I think you have the right to buttchug beers in there if you want!

King Hippo

Even by Yinzer standards, the North Cakalaky fans here are really goddamned fat

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There’s that Bears defense we know and loathe.

Gratliff

Playing against the best team in both my fantasy leagues and both played Devonta Freeman. Now I remember why I took two years off.

Gratliff

Also sat Shady. Fuck me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
fleshwound_NPG

Bears doing what they do best: make the Lions look competent.

King Hippo

Chris Harris is a bad muthafucka

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Dirty Landrydown!

blaxabbath

Arizona just trying to give this one away early.

Doktor Zymm

I had a dream last night where I called someone a “whoreasaur”

My unconscious brain is apparently awesome at making up insults, and while there will be no on camera shots of Dez Bryant’s mom today, hopefully I’ll still be able to work that one in somewhere.

blaxabbath

Colts fan in a tank top.

Senor Weaselo

Bulbasaur with cheap makeup?

entropy

Tackling! It’s bold, I know, but if you do it, Jets, YOU’LL GET THE FUCKING BALL BACK!!!!

Gratliff

Getting the Derp going early in Pittsburgh.

bourb0nblues

Mike Carey you can fuck right off.