Your Early Slate Open Thread

Was @ NYJ: This game features two above average D’s that get it done differently. The Slurs blitz a league-low 11% of the time and the Jets a league-high 53%. QB-wise Cousins has two pick-sixes that have lost games and Fitz hasn’t cracked 1,000 yds yet and has 6 Int’s to go with his 64.5 QBR. TO THE RUN GAME! Ivory  is a tough, slug-it-out between the tackles type that usually doesn’t go down after first contact. No wonder he’s had so much trouble with injuries through his career. Morris is a slogger as well, averaging 3.1 ypc this month. Looks like an old-timey fight-it-out-in-the-trenches kind of game to me. I think the under on this game is 3.

Ari @ Pit: Vick has a dog’s breath QBR of 28-dead last in the league but you already knew that and the fact that this game depends on Bell. ‘Zona’s wins have come against NO, the Bears, the 9er’s and Detroit. So yeah, they can beat down their weaker brothers but this is a test I think they’ll fail. According to PFF, DE Heyward and LB Harrison are the 5th and 2nd best at getting QB disruptions at their respective positions. I’m glad to see the Hall of Fame Fitz is having a big bounce-back year-he’s averaging 8+ targets per game and making the most of them, having scored 6 TD’s already.

KC @ Min: In KC, if you look to the West there are Charcandrick’s as far as the eye can see. Most of the talk in that town centers around how exactly will Andy Reid mis-use him. I’m going with, “chews up significant yardage, gets into a groove and then is taken out of the game for seven minutes”. Meanwhile, no worries in Minny about AP-he just moved into 10th place all-time for RB TD’s. As we all know, Smith is faced with the blitz often on 3rd down and can’t handle it. He’s ranked 34th out of 35 qualifying QB’s with respect to QBR on that down-expect the Vikes to have a series of small get-togethers in the Chiefs backfield over the course of the game.

Cin @ Buf: Dalton is my “Five Games In” MVP. He’s racked up 1500+ yards, 11 TD’s with only 2 picks-he’s doing everything right at the moment. Soooo…needless to say, die-hard Bengal-backers are wondering when the other cleat is going to drop. The Bills should get McCoy back today after Boobie brought the 2.7 ypc thunder against the Titans last week. Hey Look!-over there under “Questionable” status, it’s Percy Harvin getting comfortable again. It looks like Manuel gets the start today-maybe he’ll play really well and the Bills will have a QB controversey on their hands? Nah.

Chi @ Det: Yards per pass attempt-wise you’re looking at the two worst teams in the league. Of course an argument could be made that you’re looking at the two worst teams, period. Let’s move on, shall we?

Den @ Cle: The Bronc’s have given up 79 points total so far this year-don’t expect too many more to be added to that total today. What’s got only one functioning arm and is using it to hang on for dear life? The Peyton, that’s what. His 77 QBR is 20 points below his career average. He should use that big noggin of his to figure out that this is his last year. I’ve turned the corner on Josh. He’s thrown for over 1200 yards (to the likes of Barnidge, Bowe, Hartline and Hawkins-though Benjamin has been a surprise) with just the one pick. That said, he’ll probably double that total to two after this game. The Brownies have numerous problems but the QB spot isn’t one of them.

Hou @ Jax: Speaking of doubling up, one of these teams will do so in the win column today. Hopkins is on fire-his 578 yards and 75 targets lead the league. The one game I saw (yeah, I watched a Texans game, come at me) he did whatever the hell he wanted to do on the field, no matter the coverage and with ridiculous ease. Hoyermallet will get the start though if history is any indicator, we may see some Mallethoyer. The Houston coaching staff is looking more and more like that girlfriend that can’t quite decide between the red dress or the green dress. Over at a Jax fan site they’re celebrating the fact that they’re favoured for the first time this year. Hug that one point close Lennie, I mean Jags fans, but not too tight unless you strangle it a la Of Mice And Men. I do think that a steady dose of Yeldon, Hurns and Robinson should get this done though.

Mia @ Ten: Titans have lost their last 7 home games. Ouch. Meanwhile, new coach Campbell had this to say upon being hired, “Miso excited about this opportunity to turn this team around. Rest assured we will play Miller a lot more-he’ll be ramen left, ramen right and ramen right up the middle. Landry will dashi up and down the field, no doubt about that. The D is going to be more aggressive-I’ll be calling for bisques from all directions. We’ve got to get the opposing QB to say to himself, ‘What The Pho?’ Okay, I’ve got to go and prepare my team, GAZPACHO, one and all!”

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Doktor Zymm

I should have made this beverage in “Big Gulp” size.

entropy

My first beer didn’t go down well, but the following eight have been very smooth.

blaxabbath

Does FF recognize score not given up by a defense? I just figured they based it on the opposing team’s score.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some leagues do, some don’t.

Brick Meathook

EAT HIM, BEAR

entropy

But of a very late hit of Fitz, there.

blaxabbath

These fucking ‘Renegade’ commercials almost make me ashamed to own a ’99 wrangler.

litre_cola

What Brett Favre’s ads did to jeans?

JustStopDude

You want to know what isn’t fun hung over as fuck?

Trying to get a goddamn parrot out of the inside of a recliner…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What is PK doing inside your recliner?

JustStopDude

I told him Goodell once masturbated on the thing so he went hunting for samples.

Lord Joe Don Looney

So, that’s what the kids are calling it now a days.

entropy

Fucking Decker. Catch. The. Ball.

blaxabbath

I feel like Palmer and Arians don’t even bother discussing check downs.

fleshwound_NPG

FORTE VULTUREDOWN

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spur

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Easily intimidated by a woman who works out much??

Doktor Zymm

During the next ref strike, they won’t come back to work until they start a new channel : Yellow Zone, all penalties, all the time!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD!

blaxabbath

HAIL!

(In the funny [DFO] sense; not the racists [SNYDER] sense)

entropy

They’ll probably strike over the NFL not covering rotator cuff surgeries for refs who throw too many flags.

Senor Weaselo

A Football Life: Hail Bleergh.

makeitsnowondem

And that’s Denver touchdown leader Aqib Talib.

Spur

We’re the offense now”
– Denver defense

King Hippo

I swear to God, I would give Wade Phillips a tongue kiss if I saw him on the street.

With the requisite “no homo” of course.

Redshirt

EJception!

blaxabbath

Andrew Luck is gonna run out of compliments tonight.

Gratliff

Denver’s D on pace for all the fantasy points. Thanks, Cleveland!

Sharkbait

EJ Ception!

entropy

Shouldn’t you says that when he COMPLETES a pass?

Redshirt

Nice comment!

Spur

AZ is destroying Pitt’s lines on offense and defense.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Checkdown on 3rd down?
Wasted timeout?
Yup, same old dolphins.

Sharkbait

Lolphins now
Lolphins tomorrow
Lolphins forever.

blaxabbath

Are there birds on the field in PIT?!

Spur

It’s going to be boo birds after the next Vick 3 and out.

bourb0nblues

More like McClown, amirite??

King Hippo

Aqib Muthafuckin talib!!! Who needs an offense??

Brick Meathook
litre_cola

I suddenly am getting email notifications for every post. This is odd. Where is the settings?

King Hippo

You accidentally checked the box after the reply window. Uncheck it and reply again.

litre_cola

Thanks Hippo. No sense getting emails when I am here all day.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hate Denver, but I do love owning their defense in fantasy football.

King Hippo

Dude just politely asked for the barstool beside me. I just nodded my assent instead of the longform “go ahead, bitch, all my friends imaginary!!”

Doktor Zymm

Don’t sit on the invisible corporeal presence that represents my imaginary friends in the real world!

That was dumb Arizona.

Doktor Zymm

Here’s what I went with :
2 oz rye
1/2 oz dry vermouth
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
dash Angostrura bitters
dash Rhubarb bitters

Sharkbait

Well that sounds delicious.

JustStopDude

Better than my usual of Milk of Magnesia and Vodka.

I call it a “Phillip’s Screwdriver”

Doktor Zymm

It’s pretty good. Could use some lemon zest though.

King Hippo

As a person who fucking loves strawberry rhubarb pie more than life itself…am intrigued.

Doktor Zymm

You would probably want to go a bit sweeter with the drink itself if you were going for a pie vibe. Also, maybe rim the glass with graham cracker crumbs.

JustStopDude

The single game record for penalties in NFL is 22. Most yards penalized in a single game is 212. Most penalties in a single season by one team is 158. Most penalty yards in a single season is 1,304.

Buffalo HAS to smash all these records at some point this year right?!?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Over/under on the number of those records NOT owned by the Raiders is 1.5

The Maestro

First team to crack jokes about fucking Percy Harvin’s mom to his face will see him break those marks individually.

blaxabbath

I thought if the D touched it first, there can’t be a fumble by the offense?

The Maestro

MORE LIKE JEREMY TRILL-AS-FUCK

Senor Weaselo

Have I finished an entire thing of Cracker Barrel extra sharp cheddar cracker cuts in the last two days? Yes I have. Do I regret it? Hell no.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Redshirt

Flying-Hill-Down

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So Scotland choked in the rugby world cup against Australia. Kind of funny that I’m still upset about the ending of a game that four hours ago I didn’t even know was happening.

bourb0nblues

Holy shit Hill!

blaxabbath

There’s no forward pass in rugby, right?

So Vick can run a rugby offense?

Spur

Timmons caught the longest pass for the Steelers today.

blaxabbath

I would wager that Fitz has the most tackles of any WR in history.

Martin
The Maestro

“Clete Blakeman” is like the perfect referee name.

Are we sure he’s not one of those newfangled GOODELLBOT-5000s??

blaxabbath

I’m stealing that for my Golden Football League dossier.

FUCK! I hadn’t even thought about ref names yet!

Doktor Zymm

This happens often enough that I suspect Direct TV just doesn’t have adequate upload speed, so you just have to outlast all the other people who aren’t getting service. Hooray! I’m more determined to watch my horrible team than other people who are fans of horrible out-of-market teams!

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

The qb naked bootleg is never not funny.

litre_cola

Naked Jared Lorenzen agrees

fleshwound_NPG

Okay, what context in hell does a couple wearing a Larry Bird and Dan Fouts jersey in Cleveland exist?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some kind of a Stormfront/White Power thing?

entropy

“It’s hard to prepare for something when you’re not ready for it.”

THAT WHAT PREPARED MEANS, FUCKSTICK, GETTING READY FOR SOMETHING. God I hate that asshole.

blaxabbath

So now we’re just going to remake Chef with attractive people?

JustStopDude

CBS SUPERGIRL is the SUPERGIRL that SUPERGIRL has been wating for!

TUNE IN!!!!

Doktor Zymm

Ah, it started working just in time for me to see the Jets kick an extra point and see some commercials. Awesome. Well, guess what DirectTV, your little ruse didn’t work! I’m STILL not going to order Pizza Hut or buy a truck!

makeitsnowondem

Aw, come on. Just one little truck?

Bit of a horseshit roughing the passer call in Pit

Spur

Looks like everybody with a yellow rag is on the same team today.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yellow rag? Even *I* think that’s a bit tasteless”

– Bill Parcells

blaxabbath

It’s cuz our gyms ran Houchuli out of town!

Spur

Good to know the refs are still paid off in Pittsburgh

Brick Meathook

Here’s a REAL football field:

http://i.imgur.com/S7d68BQ.jpg