In The Beginning

So, if I remember right from eight years of parochial school, in the beginning God made (in no particular order) heaven, earth, man, seas, sky, light, animals, fishes, and Higgs boson particles. It was good. Then God took a day off to watch football, which became known as the “Sabbath” day – “Sabbath” translated loosely as “Damn, I have to work tomorrow.” (At some point, Jews and/or Seventh-Day Adventists decided that Saturday was the Sabbath instead of Sunday, but that only proves that they are college football fans.)

These creations were centered around The Garden of Eden in some fertile area between Asia, Europe, and Africa now known as “Fuck that, I ain’t going to the Middle East. They be crazy.” Back in the day, however, there was just Adam, and beasts, and various fruit trees (FORESHADOWING) which Adam had mostly free reign to pillage. One day, Adam (being born of clay, like a Golem) said, “Hey God, uh…Adam here. Thanks for all this, uh, stuff. Really, it’s awesome. But I have needs. And a boner. Can you help a brother out?” God decided that, despite Adam’s really sinful lack of propriety, he had a point. And a boner. So he said to Adam, “Hey, I get it. Go beat off, and sleep, and when you wake up, you’ll have a surprise.” Adam grinned, and proceeded to beat off (he would’ve gone full auto-fellatio, but he had an extra rib at that time), and fell into a deep slumber. When he awoke, he had a horrible pain (just kidding – Eden was perfect!), and a new companion, whom he named Eve.

(Side note: Adam totally did Lilith first, and for a long time, and Lilith bailed on his ass because Adam was a two-pump chump. This is not in the King James Bible, because patriarchal Bible-writing guys from 1800 years ago empathized with Adam. Plus, Lilith totally was a bitch and stuff.)

ANYWAY, Eve was a total babe, and told Adam how great he was at sex. She was ideal in that way, especially considering that Eve had no frame of reference to judge Adam’s masculinity, so she clearly was concerned about his feelings and not fulfilling her own sexual needs. Essentially, Eve was the perfect woman. And they lived in the Garden of Eden, totally naked, and since they were without sin, their balls/boobs didn’t even sag. Everything was perfect. They had whatever food they wanted (and God was like the BEST concierge/maitre d’), and if they needed entertainment, God would arrange fights between disparate animals AND book bets. Since this was Eden, Adam would always win his bets, and the animals were never truly hurt. (Yes, just like Mayweather fights.) Eve didn’t wager, of course, since she was busy getting drinks for Adam and preparing for not-very-satisfying sex.

God was really cool when it came to Garden of Eden Rules. Eat this, drink that, screw here or there, etc. There was just one thing God demanded of his creations. “See that tree there? In the middle? With the suspicious glow all about the leaves? I call that tree The Tree Of Knowledge, because if you eat from it you get knowledge. Don’t touch it. You have ALL THIS OTHER STUFF, so don’t be a dick and disobey this ONE THING I ask of you.” Adam and Eve were like, “Hey, we get it, and we would never disappoint You and Your command.” For a long time (probably like a few weeks, because people are stupid), Adam and Eve stayed away from the Tree. But then…

“Hey Eve, how’s it hanging?” Eve woke from a nap, startled at someone speaking to her without including the words “bring” or “suck.” She looked around and didn’t see anyone. God was taking a personal day, and Adam was off shagging a sheep (totally okay in Eden). Eve shrugged off the presumed hallucination (while wondering what “hallucination” meant), and tried to go back to sleep. “EVE! Damn it, I’m not talking to myself here. Look down.” Eve looked at the base of the Tree Of Knowledge, and saw a snake. Now she didn’t KNOW it was a snake, but the name seemed right, so she said, “Oh, sorry. Didn’t realize a ‘snake’ was here, talking to me.” The snake rolled his eyes (go with it, it’s Eden), and said, “So, Eve…you were told not to eat the fruit from this tree, right?” And Eve said, “Right, ‘snake’ – we get whatever we want EXCEPT this tree’s stuff.”

The snake rose up on his (I dunno, ass? tail? fuck it) back end, and said “But Eve, if this tree is the Tree Of Knowledge, eating its fruit will make you smart. You can totally make Adam your bitch!” Eve thought about this. And thought some more. And still, continued to think. Eve was kinda dumb, truth be told. But she was smart enough to realize she wanted to be not-as-dumb. “That’s right, snake. Wait…I’m gonna call you ‘Satan’ since you totally sat in some cow poop.” The snake replied, “That’s not how you spell ‘Sat In’ you dumb skank, but I’ll overlook it if you just eat some damn fruit!” Eve then gazed upon the fruit, which was apples, or grapes, or figs, or pomegranates, or wheat, or mushrooms, depending upon which religious “scholar” you believe, and said, “You’re right, Satansnake, I’m eating this!”

Eve pulled a fruit-thing off a branch, and took a bite, and was instantly transported to Flavortown (metaphorically, of course). Suddenly, she knew…stuff. Lots of stuff. And she realized Adam was a yutz. Damn, that yutz (Tree Of Knowledge included Yiddish) was totally taking advantage of her! But if she let Adam in on the secret, he would understand what a dick he was, and the balance of power would be restored. (Chick logic – am I right?) “Adam – get your hot naked ass over here and eat this fruit thing or whatever!” Adam unplugged from the sheep and wandered towards the Tree. “But Eve, we were told not to eat this…fruit or whatever it is.” Eve sighed and said, “You’re a pussy.” At this, Adam realized he HAD to try the fruit, so he did.

Suddenly, Adam had all the knowledge Eve had acquired, only he processed it rationally instead of emotionally. “Eve…what have we done??? I mean, we’re NAKED, and it’s cold!” Eve smirked and raised her palms up and said “Uh, talk to the HANDS, bitch!” She then looked to the ground for a high-not-five, but the snake had fled. Adam had started running (remember, he was kind of a pussy), but God stopped him in his tracks and bellowed, “WHAT INGRATES YOU ARE! GET OUT OF MY GARDEN AND FEEL SHAME AND WORK FOR A LIVING!”

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Seven thousand years later, the National Football League does not want us to know too much about concussions.

 

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SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam is a mediocre ship captain and an even worse writer. He is allowed to contribute to this website in exchange for money and drugs. Please don't encourage him or make direct eye contact.
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Beerguyrob

Reads more clearly than the Peter King Family Bible, which is divided into
“Things”, “Parts”, and “Nuggets”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I believe this is plagiarized directly off of one of those “History” Channel shows.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8qhlhzIIk1rwyf7ko1_500.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

I am intrigued by your ideas sir. If you write about Lot and his daughters both in Sodom and after they fled, I will subscribe to your newsletter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is the best mar……………… joke I’ve heard all day.

Horatio Cornblower

How drunk were you when you wrote this?

Because I want to get exactly that drunk.

ballsofsteelandfury

That was… I have no words. Breathtaking? Yes, breathtaking.

“(Yes, just like Mayweather fights)” is probably my favorite line.

Horatio Cornblower

Mayweather killed it.

Sill Bimmons

Who was Cain’s wife?

Horatio Cornblower

Anne Frank. As Peter King will tell you her house was no Eden.

Brick Meathook

This of course brings to mind Paul’s second epistle to the Thessaloneans.

Yep, brings it straight to mind.

Sill Bimmons

Hmmm.

“The emphasis on how to maintain a church with an effective testimony in proper response to sound eschatology and obedience to the truth” doesn’t really leap off the page to me.

There’s also significant doubt over Pauline authorship of 2 Thessalonians.

I love talking bible shit.

jjfozz

WHO ARE YOU? WHERE IS SILL? I AM NAKED AND AFRIAD!

Brick Meathook

To be honest, Sill, I sort of made that up. At least in the sense that I remembered “Paul,” “epistle,” and “Thessalonians” from many years ago but didn’t realize that particular combination was actually a real thing.

In hindsight, I should have gone with something more along the lines of “Paul’s Second Letter to the Editors of Newsweek” or something like that.

Sill Bimmons

I know.

I don’t expect anyone to know that stupid shit.

It was also just a joke.

But I do love talking bible shit.

Horatio Cornblower

Paul’s 23rd letter to the Corinthians:

“Hi. How are you guys doing? It’s been colder than usual here in Tarsus so I’ve mainly been hanging inside these days. Seen any good TV? Just kidding; TV’s like thousands of years away! JK LOL!”

jjfozz

I think that letter was to the Editors of Beaver Hunt, I’m not 100% sure. I do know I’m going to hell.

Spanky Datass

… … … Seems legit!

Sill Bimmons

yo

new south park tonight

jjfozz

Next up: Noah’s Ark (Arc?)

Ever sat and thought about how big that motherfucker would have to be? Not just to accomodate the animals, but the food for the animals, and a place to put ALL THAT MONKEY COW ELEPHANT SHIT!

Also, were insects on the list? And what about the reptile part of that ship – good christ there’s a nightmare for you.

And birds, where do they go? How you keeping birds in a ship without them killing each other, and lining the bottom with a metric ton of bird shit.

Let’s get to it, and if you need a reference, call my mother in law – she believes every word of the tale of Noah’s Ark. Every. Single. Word.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I found this:
http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season4/heretic10.mp3
So…not expecting to get much work done today.

nomonkeyfun

Then there is this.
http://www.travelingark.com/
I swear to Bleergh it actually exists. I’ve seen it on the road.

WCS

At least that’s just a petting zoo. See what I posted below.

WCS

This actually exists:
comment image
It’s located in Western Maryland (which is really just any part of West Virginia and/or southern Pennsylvania) on I-68. I’ve driven past this thing many times, as it’s impossible to miss if you’re heading to Washington, DC.
A former colleague of mine at WVU told me she grew up not far from the Ark, and that the church who was building it convinced a lot of it’s members to essentially bankrupt themselves to pay for this thing.
CAN I GET AN AMEN.

Sill Bimmons

This is on the way down to my parents’ place in OC MD:

http://www.wesleyan.org/system/wes/assets/cms/resources/f04e428e7774db5f1f3764a221cdfcc9/Seaford-ark_focus.jpg

It is falling apart. I guess gob got all Second Commandment on their asses.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll give you an amen but not one fucking dollar.

jjfozz

Okay, that’s it.

We need to have an East Coast/Merlin/DC meet up because you and Sill live near me.

Although, whenever I propose a meet up, I always think of that Bob’s Burger episode where they all hate Bob since he’s so high falutin’.

Sill Bimmons

Noah’s Ark was 520 feet long.

Every ship on this list is over 400 feet longer than that.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_world%27s_longest_ships

Not even room enough on the ark for the 47,000+ species of spiders out there.

People who believe this story are very much in denial of reality.

packman_jon

Simply put, the Ark would have been animal Thunderdome divided by zero

Sill Bimmons

Does she believe both versions of the ark story?

Because there are two distinct and contradictory ark myths in Genesis 6-9:

http://www.awitness.org/contrabib/torah/flood.html

jjfozz

Two things:
1. I am sharing this link with my wife’s born again side of the family who have no sense of humor and 110% sense of righteousness. They hate me anyway because I’m Catholic, so fuck them.

2. Chicks, always opening their mouths at the wrong time.

WhyEaglesWhy

I’m always confused by evangelicals who don’t think Catholics are Christians. It kind of makes you wonder about the rest of what they believe, even if you didn’t already.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, seriously, is that a thing?

nomonkeyfun

It’s like the Mormons referring to Jews as “Gentiles”.

jjfozz

Oh yeah – in college I had Baptists tell me I was going to hell because I worshipped the Pope and not God.

I never took religion seriously, still don’t, but whenever I’m around fuck head born agains, I make it a point to mention I’m Catholic, because it drives them insane and they get all judgmental, and then I remind them that being judgmental is a sin.

Then I throw up on their shoes and skate away.

Bugg

In short, it’s the bitches that will get ya, then, now, forever.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What is a quince, Alex?

You boys alright? Moose and I don’t have to do a little house cleaning now, do we? By house cleaning I mean violent summary executions.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Make sure you include Fitzpatrick Bateman in your project management team; he’s a specialist in Murders and Executions over at Pierce and Pierce.

I thought you meant flooding the post with gifs and barely-dressed women.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Adam’s first wife (artist’s conception)

http://www.peoplequiz.com/images/quizzes/Lilith-Sternin.jpg-6601.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

I’m just going to say: Lilith was the hottest woman on ‘Cheers’

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Rebecca.

WhyEaglesWhy

Kelly.

JerBear50

After all these years, you still remember that dumb fucking Kelly song, don’t you?