It’s One O’Clock-Do You Know Where Your Games Are? Thread.

Atl @ Ten: Looks like Jason McCourty will be the latest CB to bathe in the awesomeness that is Julio. This six point thread seems out of whack. If I had a gambling problem I’d be all over this. The Titans are playing the last of 4 straight games at home and will likely have no wins to show for it. Mariota has missed a few practices so you know what that means-“It’s Somethingberger Time!” He brings the classic “big arm” and a gaudy 0-6 record to the field.

TB @ Was: Hardcore Fans Only! should be posted somewhere. Winston has the highest pick percentage this year. Kirk Cousins replies, “Oh Yeah? If you start from the beginning of last year, I  have the highest pick percentage in the league.” Guys, guys-don’t fight, just try to play well. You can do that can’t you? RB Morris has been given the bum’s rush. The Pro Bowler, after running 25 times for 125 yds in the opener has seen his carries go 18, 6, 17, 8 and 11. Jones looks impressive when he does play but even RB3 Thompson is running the ball here and there. Gruden has no faith in the run game and a pick-friendly QB. Let the search for the next HC commence!

NO @ Ind: The line is 4.5 here. Neither of these D’s can stop dragging their fans’ hearts around, let alone opposing D’s. Will He Sneeze is the Saints WR with the most receiving yards with 436. You would think that at some point Luck is going to turn things around. That’s what my ever-lovin’ fantasy brain repeats to me ad nauseam anyway. But Luck is inside and at home against a below-average D. The stars are aligning, buddy boy.

Min @ Det: Peterson has been down-graded to questionable due to illness but I’m sure the team MD’s will fill him with enough ‘vitamins’ to ensure he’s a go.  Minny has only reached the red zone 17 times this year. Luckily for them the D is crushing it and opposing O’s. They’ve given up more than 20 points only once this year. Stafford’s doughy arm has thrown for 1600 + yds to date. Perhaps always playing from behind has something to do with him dropping back to pass 73% of the time. I don’t know-I’m not an expert.

Pit @ KC: Ben’s out unless he can ‘talk the team into playing him’ which sounds plain stupid until you discover that he’s done it before which sounds doubly stupid. Steelers D is looking okay these days-they would seem to be up to the task of stuffing West/Davis today. Pearl-clutching was the proper response to JC going down but what about Maclin’s concussed bean? Smith’s completion % to Maclin was 70 and good for an average of almost 10 yds. Spaghetti Arm’s percentage drops to 50 when he targets all other WR’s. That’s one hell of a safety valve to be without. Steelers win big.

Cle @ StL: The Browns have given up 16 sacks in the last 4 games and Saint Loo has the third most sacks in the league. Say a prayer for McCown, he won’t be with us much longer. Mr. Gurley has put up 146 and 159 the last two weeks on the road. I wonder how he might do against the 22nd-ranked rushing D at home? This game is over at approx. 1:07pm.

Hou @ Mia: The Texans have no issues in the passing game which is unusual given the fact that they’ve boounced back and forth between Hoyermallet and Mallethoyer. They’re 3rd in the league in total yards and going up against the 4th stingiest passing D. The Dolph’s are 25th in passing and even worse (30th) running the ball. I’m not putting it on Tannehill though. He has made significant progress every year since 2012 in yds thrown, completion % and interception %. So I’ll be looking elsewhere. I’ll let you know when I find it.

NYJ @ NE: We are all Jets fans today, aren’t we? I actually belong to a rather large subset labeled “Jets fan actively cheering for a Brady injury”. I’ll probably feel bad for a minute or two if it happened, thinking that by rooting for it I made it come true. But then I’d come back to reality as Garoppolo(?) comes in and leads the Pats to a come-from-behind win and I try to find a cat to kick. God, even my worst-case Pats scenarios turn into best-case Pats scenarios.

 

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blordinaryfagicmox

God did anyone see that graphic of Luck against the AfC South and against everyone else?

Romonobyl

“Bud Light…never lets you forget what your bile tastes like”.

Spanky Datass

#Upchucksforwhatever

evilbeaver8

If the Jets lose but hurt some Pats players in the process…they will be my new team for the rest of this lost season.

King Hippo

So glad I traded Lamar! before dumbass Philbin got fired. Fuck am I ever stupid.

entropy

I am happy Richardson sacked Brady and all, but where in fuck is the flag for that blatant holding? Fuck I hate New England.

Senor Weaselo

I’m also happy, but Dreamboat’s still, you know, going to start the 3rd quarter.

Doktor Zymm

Historically, the [*Redacted] s have always been at their worst in the 3rd quarter. It’ll be interesting to see how they can be worse today.

Senor Weaselo

It finally hit me. Dan Snyder is either Max Bialystock or Leo Bloom, and the Washington Slurs are his Springtime for Hitler. It should be a matter of time before he heads to Rio.

I have a strange feeling the Jets punting is going to cost them this game.

Senor Weaselo

Probably.

JustStopDude
Dick E. Phuck

Thanks Obama

Sill Bimmons
JustStopDude
John Difool

#FirstWorldProblems

Sill Bimmons

I bet people in third world countries also burn their toast.

Gratliff

“What is toast?” – Third World Inhabitant

Doktor Zymm

I just spent 30 seconds listening to the announcers talk about how good a punt was. I will never have those 30 seconds back.

Gatoraids

I’ve… seen things… you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion; I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate… Sonny Jorgensen exalt in punts for half a minute. All those… moments… will be lost, in time, like [chokes up] tears… in… rain. Time… to die.

Gratliff

Holy shit, 41 points in a half. Time to take the Texans out back.

Sill Bimmons
Gratliff

Lamar Miller is on fire today.

evilbeaver8

RIP Flip Saunders…and one more big fuck you to cancer while I’m at it.

Doktor Zymm

Fitzy fall down.

Romonobyl

Houston getting their ass handed to them by…Ryan Tannyhill. No wonder nobody cares.

Doktor Zymm

There’s no team in Houston…

entropy

He means the entire town. Tannehill just waded in and started punching people.

Gatoraids

Dolphins scanner gif

Sharkbait

This Texans Defense-I call them imaginary because they are non existent today.

Dick E. Phuck

LinebackerGritCeption

Sill Bimmons

Uglyburger gon Uglyburger!

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Looks like I should have started Andy Dalton over Andrew Luck.

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Jax D/ST

King Hippo

At least when PeyPey does the Buster Bluth, he has the excuse of a fused cervical vertebrae which means he really ought not be playing this game to begin with.

Sharkbait

Leveon with 58 yards? Did he borrow Boss Todd’s Trans Am without asking?

Doktor Zymm

I’m still inside watching these games. I’m somehow still a [*Redacted] s fan. It’s sunny and beautiful out. I think my football addiction is hitting rock bottom.

King Hippo

You are doing right. The 14-hour days are mandatory viewing. Keep reminding yourself, you don;t wanna be sent away to re-education camp.

Doktor Zymm

Big Brother Rog is watching!

entropy

THE SHIELD SEES ALL.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Breesception

entropy

Brady you fucking pussy

Wilting Dreamboat

King Hippo

Goddamnit, Snead

litre_cola

Ah yes, my mantra since THEY said to pick him up, and THEY said he was a steal

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I lost my Redzone stream so I should actually leave. As I have mentioned not looking forward to painting when it is 40 and will probably rain

evilbeaver8

The Colts will go 6-10. 6-0 against the AFC South, 0-10 against the rest of the league. They will win the AFC South and host the Bengals in the wildcard round. They will win 23-10. They will lose to the Pats by 60 in the next round. They will draft a punt returner with 4.2 40 speed in the 1st round.

blordinaryfagicmox

By that last sentence it seems like they went digging for Tony Sparano’s magic football but dug up Al Davis instead.

JustStopDude

I want you all to know that I hate each and everyone of you and will track you all down…

Because now I got that fucking stupid “Football on my Phone” song stuck in my head. You are all DICKS!

Redshirt

Ha! I have no clue what you’re talking about.

Sill Bimmons

Those must have happened when I lived overseas.

And I’m certainly not stupid enough to click on those videos.

Horatio Cornblower

Anyone else hungover and stuck at a community theater matinee to see their wife’s high school friend play an autistic kid, or am I the only one who hit that lottery today?

Doktor Zymm

I’m with you on the hungover part. The rest is all you.

Sharkbait

Im working so…Yes. you lose.

entropy

Um. Wow. I think you might alone here, buddy.

King Hippo

Divorced WOO

Gatoraids

How close to the landlord scene in the Big Lebowski is it? And does she allude to relations with him?

Horatio Cornblower

This better pay off.

blordinaryfagicmox
Horatio Cornblower

Now THAT would be worth seeing.

Sill Bimmons

No on both counts.

Sounds like I’m having the better day.

Mother Puncher

Why does your wife have high school friends?

entropy

The refs just called holding on New England. Now they can ignore it for another six games.

John Difool

Edelman just became a dreidel for Halloween

Dick E. Phuck

Belichick–as always–is dressing up as Asmodeus.

Redshirt

I’m not one to accuse anyone of cheating, but why are the Dolphins playing on the EASY difficulty?

blordinaryfagicmox

I dont think any of the 4 teams on tv in my area have a winning record. It’s like the NFL WANTS me to not watch and go outside or something.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EA-J-Y6QjUo

Moonbatting Average

Jarvis is having a much better day than Jones, Landry-wise

Sill Bimmons

Fuckin Landry Jones

King Hippo

I see Landry Jones is back to being Landry Jones.

Doktor Zymm

Ouch.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Ok, off to paint a deck that took 200+ hours of repair work this year to get back to not terribly shitty, because my mom couldn’t spend 2 hours staining for 15 years. I am not lying about the staining time. 2 hours.

JustStopDude

I know that pain well. My parents, when I was growing up, were terrible about maintaining shit.

Even now when I come home, I get the usual fun of discovering major problems…and then I “caused” them because I found them.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My parents were great about that stuff when we were kids. I built that deck and could do drywall work at 8. Just didn’t even try with the deck and let it sit for years

JustStopDude

My father cannot change a lightbulb without someone going to the hospital.

JustStopDude

Is there anything more whiter than Macklemore?

Sill Bimmons

Bleached flour?

Gatoraids

Any Manning

JustStopDude

No Manning has ever tried to rap though…

Smithchez
JustStopDude

Its suppose to be mocking them though. Its not serious. The concept of the Mannings rapping.

Macklemore is on par with the Mannings actually trying to release a fucking rap album.

Doktor Zymm

Remember the “Football on your Phone” commercial?

JustStopDude

And they both have been on SNL.

Completely different than releasing a rap album, though I fully admit I emotionally blocked out these commercials for the safety of my sanity.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
John Difool

Edgar Winter?

evilbeaver8

The school that tried to ban Mackelmore for being too edgy.

Mother Puncher

B.O.B.

King Hippo

The VIP section of the Republican convention.

Sill Bimmons

Ben Carson just exudes whiteness.

Dick E. Phuck

Garth Brooks

Mother Puncher

Russel Wilson?

Dick E. Phuck

I think it’s quite creepy that the Chiefs have junior cheerleaders..

John Difool

Andy Reid would read that as ‘junior cheeseburgers’

entropy

Jesus that is a generous spot.

Spur

Why are the Jets sleeves a different color green from their shoulders?

Dick E. Phuck

Look at the wheels on Cousins.

Gatoraids

Wheels blowout and cause 25 car traffic jam

JustStopDude
Sill Bimmons

SHELBYVILLEDOWN

John Difool

CUZZDOWN

Sill Bimmons

Saints hang on for the away draw at Anfield.

1 — 1 FT.

King Hippo

Good result. Nice to see them with zero wins in two matches under Klopp, with the press jizzing all over him.

litre_cola

HE IS THE GREATEST COACH EVER!!! NO ONE DENIES THIS.

/Fulham supporter, I will be quiet now