Your Early Slate Open Thread

We’re more than half way through the regular season. I’ve had a great time so far-oh, if my bottles of scotch could talk…they probably wouldn’t slur their words like I do. Moving on-

GB @ Car: Rodgers is sacked/pressured almost 40% of the time he drops back to pass and he faces another quality D that can really bring it. Lacy needs to stop with the donuts and start with the knockin’ defenders backwards. More good news for GB-starting CB’s Shields and Rollins are doubtful for the game. 7-0 Carolina is an underdog at home. This is only the second time since 1990 that has occurred. The Panthers are hoping that a potential win has nothing to do with WR Ginn, otherwise it will slip through their fingers.

Was @ NE: WE ARE ALL [INSERT TEAM HERE] FANS TODAY goes the refrain whenever someone plays the Pats. Actually, the Slurs don’t stand a damn chance and I’m not going to waste my time bothering to side with them. 20 TD’s and 1 Intercept-Br*dy’s playing at a ridiculous level. I hope he gets leveled.

Ten @ NO: Somethingberger goes back to the bench ’cause Mariota is able to play this week. Will Mularkey have the same effect on the Titans as Campbell had on the Fins? We’ll find out real quick. We’ll also find out what happens when a soft, squishy object collides with a vulnerable not-force. That would be a Titans WR group of draft bust Hunter, nobody Green-Beckham, lousy as hell Douglas and practice squadder Richardson clashing with a colander disguised as a Rob Ryan-led Saints secondary. Watson? Snead? Who are these people and what has Brees done with them? Well, made them relevant for one thing. That should continue as Titans CB’s McCourty and Wreh-Wilson aren’t likely to play.

Mia @ Buf: With DE Wake gone Miami’s sack rate drops from 7% down to 1.8%. The good news is that Bills QB Taylor gets sacked at the 5th highest rate of all players at his position. To no one’s surprise Harvin has gone over to the IR. Actually, that hip injury that he’s been dealing with for a few years now is a bit troubling. It sounds like a chronic condition and I’ll bet he’ll have mobility issues even earlier than the average retired football player. LB Brown and DE Dareus have been vocal in their criticism of Ryan’s “complicated” D packages. Given the talent on this D there’s no excuse for these guys not being a top 8 unit.

StL @ Min: Gurley is averaging 115 yds. per game but he’ll struggle to reach that in this game unless he breaks a long one. Hats off to Gregg Williams (?) of all people for making the Saint Looey D the 5th ranked in the league. I very much like the way these teams match up-they’re the 1st and 4th ranked red zone D’s, have strong running games and middling QB’s that will be running for their lives all afternoon. Sounds like a raucous, hard-hitting, low-scoring affair-just like a night on the town with Greg Hardy. Football Outsiders ranks Minny’s first seven games of the season as the easiest in the NFL. The kicker? They rate the Vikes remaining sked as the toughest.

Jax @ NYJ: One of these two teams leads the league defensively in fewest yards per rush and it isn’t the Jets. That’s right, the Jags did a good. Bortles still hasn’t won a road game in his career and it’s not likely to happen today but he has improved his QBR rating by 21 points on enemy fields. Progress! (is slow) Speaking of highly-ranked D’s the Jets come in at #2 overall. Revis will take WR Robinson out of the game so Hurns should get him some. At least that’s what my fantasy brain is telling me. Of course a Jets blog says they have no one to cover TE Thomas so I’m sure he’ll steal all the points.

Oak @ Pit: The Raiders have a winning record against only one team over the last ten years. Guess who they’re 4-1 against? Go ahead, I’ll wait. Good on you QB Carr-he’s improved his QBR from 28th (38.2) last year to 11th (65.8) this year. I don’t think anyone outside his mom and dad could have seen that coming. The Steel Sieve is 26th against the pass so WR’s Cooper and Crabtree have some easy catchin’ to do. The Steelers defensive captain Heyward will play Sunday despite seeing the birth of his first-born yesterday. Gotta hand it to him for going back out there so soon after seeing the old placenta plop onto the floor of the delivery room. (that sorta stuff stays with you, man) Beware WR Brown now that Ben is back. It’s just a matter of time before the both of them go off big time.

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
874 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
King Hippo

Still, I love you footbaw

Romonobyl

Just think, in a few months we’ll be missing this.

King Hippo

and of course Rodgers goes nuts in garbage time

Sill Bimmons

WORLD WAR Z

Doktor Zymm

The Packers. Very much alive, perhaps.

The Maestro

Don’t get married when you’re still in college, ladies. There’s so much more out there waiting for you than schlubs like this guy.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Millionaire schlubs that you can divorce…

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

And then Derek Carr remembered that his last name is “Carr”…

Smithchez

Derek Carr remembers that, in the end, he’s still a Carr.

The Maestro

HAHAHAHA RAIDERZZZZZZZZ

ThursdaySkyGoddess

CARRCEPTION!

Sill Bimmons

CARRCEPTION

King Hippo

11 point fantasy swing. FUCK EVERYTHING

King Hippo

Damn it, Cooper, I needed that

Doktor Zymm

This game will end when it’s still light out. My original plan for today involved going out. This was amended due to distressing ceiling fan events. I could still go out for the late games. I’m significantly more martinied, so assuming I manage to put on enough clothing, my range is reduced, but probably still includes 10 bars, depending on my asshole tolerance….I could just corner bar, but I’m not sure sweet potato waffle fries are compensation for an inferior martini

Senor Weaselo

Only if they were free sweet potato waffle fries.

Romonobyl

“Asshole tolerance”?

-Aaron Rodgers

John Difool

“Asshole tolerance?”
-Kenny Rogers

entropy

I have multiple bars in walking distance and I’m drinking Mich Ultra out of goddamn cans, but I live in Eagles country, meaning my asshole per capita is really, really high.Your mileage may vary.

The Maestro

Jesus Murphy, this is only slightly terrifying…

Sill Bimmons

WORST FUCKING CALL EVER

King Hippo

BLEERGH!!!!!!!!!!! <3

Holy hell Jets, a win’s a win, but christ on a stick.

Smithchez

Ugly wins are fine, it’s when they win easily that you know something terrible is coming.

entropy

Every word of this is Holy Gospel.

King Hippo

YES!!!! MOAR Crabtree

entropy

Lookit Quigley with a punt over 20 yards!

Senor Weaselo

Bortleception, that’ll do it!

bourb0nblues

Derek Carr pick six?

Romonobyl

Special Teams this season have been extra…”special”.

King Hippo

YinzerDERP

King Hippo

Posluszny, you asshole.

Sill Bimmons

I haven’t seen a ball hook like that since Lucy on the Paramount lot in 1947!

John Difool

Minnesota Derpkings

John Difool

Or rather the Rams, alcohol really kicking in now.

Doktor Zymm

How would YOU make it up to Clinton-Dix? Maybe a little hug?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

A plus sized blue dress and a BJ

John Difool

Wear a blue dress and be 50 lbs. Overweight.

entropy

I think we were all just mad at Clinton because he fucked ugly chicks. JFK banged Marilyn Monroe and everyone was perfectly OK with it. Had Clinton nailed Jennifer Aniston on the White House lawn in 1996, every man in America would have been cheering him on.

King Hippo

Jeff Fisher’s “just kill me now” face is back.

Senor Weaselo

Oh for fuck’s sake.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Moar missed kicks!

Sill Bimmons

ALL TEH MISSED FGS

bourb0nblues

THE BEN RIDE NO FUN CART

Gratliff

No one wants to win the NFC East

King Hippo

Lots of derpy games turning exciting!

Romonobyl

Define “exciting”.

entropy

…close?

ThursdaySkyGoddess

How did Luke McCown sustain a back injury?

Romonobyl

I hope THE BEN drives an automatic.

Sill Bimmons

KICKER DERP OFF IN NAWLINS

Smithchez

DUELING SHITTY KICKERS!

Sill Bimmons

i hate this season

King Hippo

Teh return of LANDRY!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Fuck it all.

King Hippo

A good phrase for all occasions.

Romonobyl

THE BEN HIT ON OWIE SPOT!

King Hippo

The Saints really are shit.

Romonobyl

It’s all the cocaine spilled on the turf.

Smithchez

Number one defense in the league gives up a 25 second TD drive over 70 yards? That’s our Jets!

Bortleback

So he wins the crossbar challenge, right?

Doktor Zymm

It’s cute. The announcers think that GB isn’t finished yet just because of one Starks TD. Under Review.

King Hippo

Jaguras cover!

Senor Weaselo
nomonkeyfun

J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets,Jets

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

You mispelled “jest”

The Maestro

CROSSBAR AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Senor Weaselo

Almost-garbagetime Bortlesdown.

Smithchez

Rock the crossbar