Mike Zimmer Needs to Vent

Hi I’m coach Mike Zimmer of the Minnesota Vikings. Some of you may have heard some sound bites of my press conference after my boys beat the Rams. The first thing you need to know about me is if I am unhappy about something I will tell you. I’m not gonna bottle it in, I don’t enjoy holding in the pain and frustration. I’m not going to get all emo and mew how it’s just not fair. I am going to stare you straight in the eye and tell you exactly how I feel.

That’s why I’m here to tell you that Gregg Williams sucks horse cock. He is and always has been a cheating, late hitting, below the belt kind of asshole. He would fuck a nun in the ass if he could get away with it. That shit for brains Jeff Fisher completely consented to that late hit on our quarterback. He knew, that mustachioed licker of hobo balls. Just look at that smarmy fuck. I bet he would shit in front of a troop of girls scouts selling cookies in front of Target because he could probably get away with it. Assholes.

And do you know what else pisses me off?

People who don’t return their shopping carts at the grocery store. What are you too lazy after unloading your cart full of Ho-Hos and Little Debbies to take your cart back where it belongs? Fuck you you fat old twats.

Also people who litter. Fuck all of you. I hope you die of kangaroo Aids. Find a fucking trash can you inconsiderate shitheels. Oh and if I were to ever catch someone littering a used disposable diaper? That pathetic ass-fisting douche sock is going to be wearing that used diaper as a goddamn hat for the rest of the week!

And fuck Dr. Phil! And Oprah. You two are the reason this whole god forsaken world feels that they are entitled to whatever they want. Oh look how sensitive and special everyone is. You know what else is going to be sensitive? Your bung hole when you try and retrieve my size 12’s from it. You wimpering sacks of kudu dung.

Those goddamn idiots who drive the speed limit in the fast lane? There’s a reason people carry guns in their cars in L.A. Move the fuck over you fuck weasel, you’re slowing shit down!

Then those motherfuckers who keep turning left from the left hand turn lane AFTER their light has turned red. I don’t give two shits, when my light turns green I am going. If I T-bone your shitty little Prius while you’re taking a car full of special needs kids to school I don’t give a fuck. You were the one who kept turning. You broke the law. It was your decision, just like it will be your decision what color casket little Schuylar is going to have.

Why the fuck are they playing Christmas carols in November? Fuck all of these stores with a splintery broom handle. Who made this decision? Not fucking me, I can tell you that.

And you assholes who bite your nails fucking disgust me. Yeah, Lebron you look real professional sitting on the bench fisting your own face. Get some nail clippers and show some goddamn restraint.

If I’m in a movie theater and your phone rings? I will walk directly to your seat, call you an asshole and punch you directly in your goddamn face. Then you’ll really have something to talk about with “Caitlyn”.

What about the motherfucker who is talking on his cell phone at a stop light, then the light turns, you honk and they get pissed off at you? I keep a flame thrower in my trunk for just such an emergency.

If I’m waiting for a parking space in a lot and you come in and take it from me? The medical examiner is going to have to use your fucking dental records to identify you.

Who the fuck actually listens to new Country music? Or Taylor Swift? What the fuck did you idiots do to pop music. I knew we were fucked as soon as they started digitizing and compressing music into files. Goddamn you all to Hell for doing this. You buncha auto-tuned no talent dick slaps.

If you don’t wash your hands after using the restroom? I don’t want to know you. I don’t want to be related to you and fuck you for leaving piss stains on the men’s room door and for having “wiener hands” for the rest of the goddamn day. Keep your hands out of the community snack mix at the bar you fucking heathen.

That’s all of the time I have for today.

It’s on to Oakland.