Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 13)

The scene: 30,000 B.C., around dinner time. The DFOers who are lost in this era are yet again in the midst of trouble as the tribe that captured them has summoned their god, who happens to be a gigantic ape.

PK (looking up at the huge ape): Wow, that is one big monkey!

Covalent Blonde: That’s an ape, not a monkey, you moron! And thanks to you, he’s probably gonna eat us!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Maybe we should…I dunno…run?

OSZ (looking at the tribesmen forming a circle around them): It might be too late for that…

Horatio Cornblower: We’ve been nice, but now it’s time to not be nice.

Horatio steps towards the tribesmen. One lunges forward with a spear, which he effortlessly sideteps. He grabs the spear with his left hand, breaking it with his right…which also happens to be his injured arm.

Horatio Cornblower (gritting his teeth): Man, am I glad pain don’t hurt.

The giant ape raises an eyebrow quizzically, then reaches down and picks up Horatio.

Giant Ape: Ook? Ook-ook.

The giant ape, still clutching Horatio in his massive paw, trundles off into the jungle. The DFOers move to follow, but the tribesmen bar their way.

Covalent Blonde: Oh, I am tired of this. These guys wanna play rough? That’s just fine with me.

Covalent Blonde launches herself at the tribesmen, knocking one down. She grabs a second one and drops him with a headbutt, but is tripped up by a spear and knocked to the ground. OSZ moves to help her, but is grabbed by a tribesman. Otto’s Brain falls out of his arms, bounces, and lands in Covalent Blonde’s lap. Covalent Blonde looks blearily from Otto’s Brain to the tribesman, who are lining up in a 3-4 formation.

Covalent Blonde (jumping to her feet with Otto’s Brain cradled in her arm): Yeah!

Cue theme music:

Covalent Blonde trucks the front three tribesmen, and the four behind scatter. She turns and shovel-passes Otto’s Brain into the nearest savage’s groin, then catches the globe on the rebound.

Savage (in a high-pitched voice as he falls over): Oomga…mok…

Otto’s Brain: Could you please aim higher next time? That wasn’t a pleasant view.

Covalent Blonde (hefting Otto’s Brain in one hand): No promises.

Covalent Blonde launches Otto’s Brain at another tribesman, hitting him square in the forehead. He goes down hard as Otto’s Brain rebounds high into the air. A savage tries catches him but OSZ leaps up, grabbing the globe with one hand and taking it away.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (holding up arms): Touchdown Seahawks!

OSZ flings the globe to Covalent Blonde, who grabs it and then, in quick succession, bounces it off of the heads of three tribesmen, all of whom fall unconscious.

Covalent Blonde (tossing Otto’s Brain to OSZ): Heads up!

OSZ catches Otto’s Brain then uses him as a shield to parry a spear, which shatters against the globe.

Otto’s Brain: Ha! Your puny spears are no good against my high-tech globular goodness!

OSZ rolls Otto’s Brain like a bowling ball to Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, knocking over several tribemen like tenpins in the process. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van scoops up Otto’s Brain, fumbles with him, then accidetally drops him on the foot of a savage who was sneaking up on him. The savage topples over, grabbing his foot as Otto’s Brain rolls over to Covalent Blonde.

Otto’s Brain: The stench of da feet!

Covalent Blonde (picking up Otto’s Brain): Really? I thought better of you.

Otto’s Brain: Well, that was your mistake now, wasn’t it?

Seeing a clear path through the downed tribesmen, OSZ motions to the other DFOers.

OSZ: Let’s get outta here while we can!

The DFOers run for the jungle, just ahead of several angry tribesmen who are still on their feet.

Covalent Blonde: Follow that ape!

To be continued…