Your Early Afternoon Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Det: The Raiders have given up more than 400 yards rushing their last two games. They have a chance to get things under control against a Lions run game whose best individual performance this year is 56 yards. (6 QB’s have done better than that so far) The Lions stunned the Pack and pretty much anyone that has a functioning cortex last week. The secondary came up big but they’re banged up this week. You may want to start TE Ebron this week-the Raiders have given a TD to opposing tight ends in 8 out of 9 games this year.

Ind @ Atl: Both of these teams can’t stop anyone at this moment in time so I think that this tilt will be a high-scoring affair that leans towards the home team. Look for the Colts O to adopt more of a West Coast look to in order to better exploit Hasselbeck’s skill-set. That means short crossing routes galore and a heavy dose of the Gore. Atlanta has gotten lucky this year. They’ve played against 4 QB backups so far and sport a 3-1 record against them. They get their fifth in Hasselbeck.

NYJ @ Hou: S Pryor is back for the Jets and the team couldn’t be happier. With him in the lineup opposing QB’s had a 3-6 TD/Intercept ratio. Without him it’s 12-4. Of course injuries to Skrine, Bailey and Cromartie (that’s just the DB’s) may have been a factor as well-I’m not a scientist. If your running game consists of handoffs to the likes of Grimes, Polk and Blue, I’d guess that you’re in a world of trouble going up against the Jetski’s massive D-line and capable ‘backers. Here’s something you don’t usually associate with a 4-5 team. Houston hasn’t allowed a touchdown in 10 straight quarters. JJ Watt will be the first to condescendingly tell you that it’s a team effort but the first to think to himself that it’s all because of him. Yee Haw! TJ Yates gets fed to the wolves today.

TB @ Phi: Tampa is 3-2 in their last five which doesn’t seem like much until you compare it to being 3-23 before that. (slow) Progress! We do like to make fun of HC Smith’s in-game decisioning but his D has responded very well as the season has progressed. The talent was there all along-LB’s David and Alexander, DE’s McCoy and Smith and S McDougald all have above average talent and it’s beginning to shine. Lock up your daughters-it’s Sanchez time. Pedo brings his awesome 4-4 record to bear on an adequate offense that is having trouble scoring. Versus last year at this time the Eagles are down a full converted TD per game. Have teams figured out what HC Kelly is putting out there or is the system held down by god-awful QB play? I’m leaning towards the latter myself.

Den @ Chi: Methinks this is the game that will grab the attention of the majority of zee commenters. I mean, it’s got everything. It’s just that it would take too long to list them all. This one doesn’t look good for Denver, does it? The D has fallen apart and now they’re up against a cool cat at the QB spot that has a scorching 82.6 QBR since week six. Can Osweiler throw beyond 15 yards? A guy like WR Sanders might end up appreciating someone doing that. Denver hasn’t lost three in a row in 4 years until now. Langford has done much more than just fill in for Forte. Jeffery is a game-time decision as is Forte. Don’t you think they’ll keep both out of the game so that they’re good to go against Green Bay in 5 day’s time? If the Bears can get these two wins their season can be turned around in very short order.

StL @ Bal: HC Fisher must be desperate, turning to QB Case Keenum and his 34.5 QBR. His Rams coaching obit will most likely have “Against all common sense, he gave the reins over to Keenum” figuring prominently. Which brings us to the question of “how long will it take for Sean Mannion to get a look-see?”. If you are a Balti-moron (sp?) and are at the game you will get a commemorative coin today! You can use it to not-buy an imitation McCrab cake at your local McDonald’s.

Dal @ Mia: “Huzzah, Romo’s back!” say Cowboys fans and certain fantasy owners much like myself. What? At least I’ve still got my…..uh, thing? [checks] Yes, I still have my thing. Dallas is -2 and I’d jump on that like a Texas hick would his cousin. Suh sure does like his Campbell. He’s more than doubled his tackles, has 4 sacks and has disrupted 8 passes. It’s just a matter of time before he feels like his old self and steps on someone’s face.

Was @ Car: Cousins helped himself to the N.O. D and yours truly to a blow-out fantasy win in my money league. The Slurs have allowed 150 rush yards in 5 straight and it looks to be 6 after today. In PFF overall standings the Panthers have jumped ahead of the P*ts as the number 1 team. This means very little. Ginn bounced back last week but pre-season fantasy darling Devin Funchess gets his very first start today. At 6’5″ and 230 he’s a load.

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bourb0nblues

Feel the FitzMagic!

Sharkbait

FIRST BEER OF THE DAY!

Dick E. Phuck

Mark Sanchez is a “system quarterback” in the sense that he has sucked in every system he’s played in.

Romonobyl

“System” as in IBS?

Romonobyl

Wait, that stands for Syndrome. Nevermind.

Bortleback

He might as well change his name to “Mark Sanchez pass, intended for Riley Cooper, but it’s picked off”, because that’s what the announcers seem to say every time he touches the ball.

Doktor Zymm

What are the late games? Should I shower and dress and go out? The temp has gone up to almost freezing…

King Hippo

GB/Minny on teevee everywhere, the other games kinda meh

Doktor Zymm

Ah shit. The bars will be filled with fans of both teams. Stupid NFC North being all close together.

Brocky

OMG CUTLER IS SO FUCKING BAD YOU GUYZ. LOL #THEBEARSSTILLSUCK #GOPACKGO

Romonobyl

I can’t believe Suh hasn’t walked off the field with Romo’s left arm in his teeth yet.

Bortleback

Is it possible that Talib just doesn’t know the rules around PI and personal fouls?

Doktor Zymm

Aqib Aqib bo baqib, banana fana fo faqib

Romonobyl

I think his dad sold me a Big Gulp.

Brocky

For fucks sake

King Hippo

STRIPCEPTION!!!!

Doktor Zymm

Yes, Romo is a “special” quarterback.

entropy

I know everyone wants to make people feel OK with their bodies, but I really don’t want the Army to be a place where they relax the fitness standards.

Bortleback

Don’t worry, those are airsofters, not actual soldiers.

Doktor Zymm

He’s probably really good at steering a drone. The future of the army is people who are super good at Call of Duty.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Rams/Ravens is so bad that I think I hate football. If this was the first game that you showed an alien or a child, they would never watch again.

King Hippo

The players should all have to come out of the locker room and apologize to America for what they did.

Dick E. Phuck

Knowing the Ravens PR department. They’ll just blame it on Janay Rice.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

She’s already writing her apology.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I wish I had Wes Welker’s brain so I could forget this game.

Sill Bimmons

At least you have Aaron Donald.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That’s true. Him and Gurley make them quasi-watchable-esque. MAYBE.

Romonobyl

Tannysack!

King Hippo

BY RULE SAFETY WOO

Sill Bimmons

HOLDSAFETY

Doktor Zymm

It’s funny cause Graham Gano used to be a [*Redacted] . Also, kind of disappointing that the score is no longer a palindrome.

Sill Bimmons

No Ganos is good Ganos!

comment image

Doktor Zymm

They told him to Gano away.

Dick E. Phuck

Hold on. Buck isn’t calling the Cowboys game? That must mean he’s calling the Packers game. Mute button standing by.

King Hippo

The boring-assed Denver Broncos are back, but at least they aren’t getting shithoused this week.

Doktor Zymm

So, the first search result for “Beergh” is this guy
https://www.facebook.com/search/more/?q=Matias+Beergh+Jr&init=public

John Difool

It’s comforting to know Slovakia has it’s douchebags too.

Doktor Zymm

Internal debate. Watch the rest of the early games? Or just watch this animated gif and drink some tequila?

http://www4.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/YV8e5FrK2_wl.gif

Romonobyl

Ugh…still in coffee recovery mode.

entropy

Tequila. You’re far enough away from the Navajo Rez.

blackroseMD1

I’m going to the bar so that I can pretend to watch the rest of the games and “recover” from my hangover.

Sill Bimmons

Not the smartest decision anyone ever made to basically give away The Simpsons to preserve creative control over Life In Hell.

Romonobyl

C’mon Tony…pad this bitch.

Sill Bimmons

har

Doktor Zymm

More proof the universe hates everyone who lives in either Indianapolis or Atlanta.

Romonobyl

Well, He did create chicken and waffles and cream gravy…right?

Sill Bimmons

ICEPICKSIX

King Hippo

Can you imagine the sweaty sock feel in Miami, in the sun after all that torrential fucking rain?

And NEVAR change, MATTY ICE

Sill Bimmons

I can’t think of a place outside of Texas I’d less rather be than Miami.

Old School Zero

These football games are making me want to clean, rather than the other way around.

Doktor Zymm

I started sorting by Big Box o’ Cables last night. Tempted to continue.

John Difool

[*Redacted] s trying hard to bring back this meme….

http://wulol.com/media/uploads/2013/10/why-cant-i-hold-all-these-wats.jpg

Doktor Zymm

Bah, fuck me. What seemed to be a promising slate of games has turned into the usual shitshow.

Brocky

Blarg

Sill Bimmons

Well said.

Redshirt

Denver is being a gracious guest by offering to give the game away but Chicago is being a gracious host by refusing the gift.

Doktor Zymm

They should have just brought a bottle of wine. Wine is always welcome.

King Hippo

I feel my decision to eschew the outside world and a bar to watch this game (instead of RedZone) has been validated.

WCS

BLEERGH IS MOST PLEASED BY THE EVENTS OF RAMS-RAVENS

King Hippo

BLEERGH LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN (who else would still be watching)

Sill Bimmons

HE IS ALSO CLOSELY WATCHING OVER THE WASHINGTONS — PANTHERS GAME

Doktor Zymm

Floater : Both a thing that some QBs throw, and a type of poop that has a larger than usual amount of buoyant fat in it.

Sill Bimmons

Steatorrhea.

Romonobyl

It takes a real man to drydock one.

Romonobyl

Lots of flags in Miami. I haven’t seen this much laundry flying around since Hurricane Sandy hit Chinatown.

John Difool

*golfclap*

Dick E. Phuck

These Washington [*Redacted] s. I call them officer Alex Murphy because they are getting blown away.

King Hippo

Jeebus, Denver. Are you TRYING to kill me??

Sill Bimmons

EVEN FOUTS CALLED IT A FLOAT

Sill Bimmons

Is Flacco’s deal the worst ever apart from the old rookie contracts?

bourb0nblues

Catler almost loses another life.

Doktor Zymm

Wait, David Amerson is on the Raiders now? I totally missed when that happened.

King Hippo

I totes remember his one good year at university!

King Hippo

FAT QBDOWN!!!!

Doktor Zymm

You can’t stop Matthew Stafford! Because when an object that large gets going it’s a hell of a lot of momentum going on.

King Hippo

F = ma ,, ppl forget that

Doktor Zymm

I’ve always been amazed that the right mind hasn’t come along to make F = ma into a fuck your mother joke.

Doktor Zymm

Brock Osweiler should change his last name to Sprocket. I could totally get behind a guy named Brock Sprocket.

ThePirateSloth

Only if he’s into pegging

John Difool
WCS
Doktor Zymm

Great minds thinking alike in action.

Sill Bimmons

ah crap

Balls

Benwa?

Sill Bimmons

SO MANY NOBYLS

Romonobyl

20dollarsforanhour100forthenightmom-down.

King Hippo

Cody Latimer…A…LIVE????

Sill Bimmons

He’s so bad he’s available in the insanity league.

Sill Bimmons

Then that happens.

Doktor Zymm

Well. That wasn’t Romonobyl at all.

Romonobyl

SCRAM THE PILE!