Your Early Afternoon Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Det: The Raiders have given up more than 400 yards rushing their last two games. They have a chance to get things under control against a Lions run game whose best individual performance this year is 56 yards. (6 QB’s have done better than that so far) The Lions stunned the Pack and pretty much anyone that has a functioning cortex last week. The secondary came up big but they’re banged up this week. You may want to start TE Ebron this week-the Raiders have given a TD to opposing tight ends in 8 out of 9 games this year.

Ind @ Atl: Both of these teams can’t stop anyone at this moment in time so I think that this tilt will be a high-scoring affair that leans towards the home team. Look for the Colts O to adopt more of a West Coast look to in order to better exploit Hasselbeck’s skill-set. That means short crossing routes galore and a heavy dose of the Gore. Atlanta has gotten lucky this year. They’ve played against 4 QB backups so far and sport a 3-1 record against them. They get their fifth in Hasselbeck.

NYJ @ Hou: S Pryor is back for the Jets and the team couldn’t be happier. With him in the lineup opposing QB’s had a 3-6 TD/Intercept ratio. Without him it’s 12-4. Of course injuries to Skrine, Bailey and Cromartie (that’s just the DB’s) may have been a factor as well-I’m not a scientist. If your running game consists of handoffs to the likes of Grimes, Polk and Blue, I’d guess that you’re in a world of trouble going up against the Jetski’s massive D-line and capable ‘backers. Here’s something you don’t usually associate with a 4-5 team. Houston hasn’t allowed a touchdown in 10 straight quarters. JJ Watt will be the first to condescendingly tell you that it’s a team effort but the first to think to himself that it’s all because of him. Yee Haw! TJ Yates gets fed to the wolves today.

TB @ Phi: Tampa is 3-2 in their last five which doesn’t seem like much until you compare it to being 3-23 before that. (slow) Progress! We do like to make fun of HC Smith’s in-game decisioning but his D has responded very well as the season has progressed. The talent was there all along-LB’s David and Alexander, DE’s McCoy and Smith and S McDougald all have above average talent and it’s beginning to shine. Lock up your daughters-it’s Sanchez time. Pedo brings his awesome 4-4 record to bear on an adequate offense that is having trouble scoring. Versus last year at this time the Eagles are down a full converted TD per game. Have teams figured out what HC Kelly is putting out there or is the system held down by god-awful QB play? I’m leaning towards the latter myself.

Den @ Chi: Methinks this is the game that will grab the attention of the majority of zee commenters. I mean, it’s got everything. It’s just that it would take too long to list them all. This one doesn’t look good for Denver, does it? The D has fallen apart and now they’re up against a cool cat at the QB spot that has a scorching 82.6 QBR since week six. Can Osweiler throw beyond 15 yards? A guy like WR Sanders might end up appreciating someone doing that. Denver hasn’t lost three in a row in 4 years until now. Langford has done much more than just fill in for Forte. Jeffery is a game-time decision as is Forte. Don’t you think they’ll keep both out of the game so that they’re good to go against Green Bay in 5 day’s time? If the Bears can get these two wins their season can be turned around in very short order.

StL @ Bal: HC Fisher must be desperate, turning to QB Case Keenum and his 34.5 QBR. His Rams coaching obit will most likely have “Against all common sense, he gave the reins over to Keenum” figuring prominently. Which brings us to the question of “how long will it take for Sean Mannion to get a look-see?”. If you are a Balti-moron (sp?) and are at the game you will get a commemorative coin today! You can use it to not-buy an imitation McCrab cake at your local McDonald’s.

Dal @ Mia: “Huzzah, Romo’s back!” say Cowboys fans and certain fantasy owners much like myself. What? At least I’ve still got my…..uh, thing? [checks] Yes, I still have my thing. Dallas is -2 and I’d jump on that like a Texas hick would his cousin. Suh sure does like his Campbell. He’s more than doubled his tackles, has 4 sacks and has disrupted 8 passes. It’s just a matter of time before he feels like his old self and steps on someone’s face.

Was @ Car: Cousins helped himself to the N.O. D and yours truly to a blow-out fantasy win in my money league. The Slurs have allowed 150 rush yards in 5 straight and it looks to be 6 after today. In PFF overall standings the Panthers have jumped ahead of the P*ts as the number 1 team. This means very little. Ginn bounced back last week but pre-season fantasy darling Devin Funchess gets his very first start today. At 6’5″ and 230 he’s a load.

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entropy

Sanchez doing his best to make sure when he kills the Eagles season later today, he puts it down for good.

Doktor Zymm

Oh look, the Cousins we all know and tolerate with a feeling of irritation is back.

makeitsnowondem

Holy hell, Thomas.

King Hippo

He’s like “so THIS is what it is like to be hit it stride, I had totes forgot!”

blaxabbath

Oh look, a Cousins int.

King Hippo

BrockDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gratliff

The Peyton Manning era is OVER

Romonobyl

But his neck just got a firmware update!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pretty sure I could have completed that pass to Demariyus.

blaxabbath

Can you throw this ball over that mountain?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Bears defense wasn’t even a molehill there.

entropy

Wow Tampa just got FUCKED.

Gratliff

YAY

Doktor Zymm

Well, whoever fucked Tampa now has chlamydaherpesyphilus.

Doktor Zymm

And my weekly struggle with Sunday ticket streaming begins. I’m never paying for this piece of crap again.

Sharkbait

Dont blame me! I just send DirecTV the games!

blaxabbath

WAS is on Fox.

Doktor Zymm

I’m attempting to Red Zone, since there are a few decent looking games on, but I’ll probably switch to that once my frustration levels boil over.

King Hippo

Song Jingle:

“PeyPey home with voodoo doll”

entropy

Retirement is gonna suck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My only regret is that it will take 3 1/2 hours before I know how the Magpies will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory this week.

Well, that’s not my ONLY regret. But it’s right up there.

Sharkbait

Kicker miss in ATL. Drink

Doktor Zymm

I think I’ll just start out with Red Zone. And red wine. My alcohol matches my teevee!

entropy

Eagles start off with some multifumble action.

Gratliff

Welp. It begins.

Sharkbait

Hassleception!

Romonobyl

Cool, the pre-game fly over in Miami was an unmarked Cessna dropping boxes by the beach.

entropy

Bales of cocaine
Falling from low-flyin planes
I dunno who done dropped em
I thank em just the same

Brick Meathook

Thirty minutes later I was a millionaire

Bortleback

Something tells me that the Jets won’t be the ones to beat the Texans 10 quarter streak of not giving up a TD.

bourb0nblues

Let’s replace the Slurs kicker with Charlie Brown and see if anyone notices.

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

bourb0nblues

yo

Romonobyl

Enjoying your oxygen?

Sill Bimmons

Thoroughly. Also THC.

Gratliff

Rob Ryan howling. My day is complete.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Rob Riggle: Still terrible

Redshirt

Should I be alarmed that Santa hangs out in a FedEx shop in his long underwear?

Redshirt
Redshirt

A part of me wants the Denver coverage to start with Paul Heyman coming out without pyro or music to cut a promo on the Chicago crowd and hype up Bahrrrrrooock Osweiler!

bourb0nblues

Good morning to some.
Good afternoon to others.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Good fucking to all!”

-Rob Ryan

Bortleback

Good evening

entropy

Happy Kwanza? I can’t remember how this works any more.

entropy

Should I shower before the 1 PM games start, or just drink until I forget I have a nose?

Romonobyl

I’m watching Dallas, so I’m sure I’ll feel the need for a shower after the game.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

So am I insane or did I just see Kay Jewelers sell Star Wars necklace?

Sharkbait

Star Wars marketing is reaching SpaceBalls level of marketing.

The Hunger Games car commercials reign supreme on worst endorsement.

Gratliff

There are commercials for Star Wars make up now. Disney and Star Wars is the singularity that will cause capitalism to collapse in on itself.

Gratliff

Old Spice commercials were great before every fucking commercial was a half-assed attempt at an Old Spice commercial.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That Falcons-Colts game with have more touchdowns than Charlie Sheen’s t-cell count! Can’t wait.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Dayum!

laserguru

7urgery is coming.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
entropy

In PA we have “Wine & Spirits” Stores. When I was Germany, in not one, not two, but four separate places, they had Irish pubs all called “The Irish Pub.” Hear hear for glaringly obvious naming conventions!

bourb0nblues

It’s holiday gift pack time! Useless glassware! Hooray!

Doktor Zymm

I’m in a crummy mood today for some reason, and this awful pizza I ordered isn’t helping. Seriously tempted to throw this gross shit out. How the hell does someone manage to make jalapeno, cheddar and taco beef pizza tasteless? I’m annoyed but also somewhat intrigued.

entropy

That sounds like it should be impossible. Are you sure you’re not having a stroke?

Doktor Zymm

I had a lemon square earlier and I could taste that just fine. I think they somehow managed to remove all elements of salt and acid from the ingredients. It’s a mystery.

entropy

How would you even do that? Do the laws of physics work differently in that restaurant? Someone must be notified. Science must be done.

Doktor Zymm

It’s possible that none of these are real ingredients, they’re just manufactured from generic goo and cunningly sculpted and dyed to look like toppings. I should plant a small camera in their kitchen.

Doktor Zymm

Contemplating Sriracha

Doktor Zymm

I could just drink until I don’t care that it tastes like crap. I could probably accomplish that level of drunkeness by the second half if I start now.

Redshirt

Just reading that combination made my Irritable Bowl Syndrome to act up.

Doktor Zymm

Then it’s a good thing I didn’t order the bacon cheeseburger pizza and list those toppings.

Sharkbait

Greetings from the wonderful world of television. Envious of those drinking already.

Sharkbait

Indy-Atlanta, Jets vs somebody, Denver-Chicago, KC vs SD, Oakland-Detroit. So…meh

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Hmm, Memphis is getting some good games today. It’s almost as if the usual shitty, boring-ass game has already disappeared…
http://31.media.tumblr.com/9a43a2d41be9985682d3a3eb6d215dba/tumblr_mzyzo0MzfQ1r8q9x8o1_500.gif

laserguru

When you are used to seeing your team play in the early game, it can be a long wait for the afternoon time slot and it’s harder to justify drinking earlier.

You Eastern time folks got it easy. Shit it’s only 9 out here.

Redshirt

We need to adapt this technology to sports commentators:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/listen_to_yourself.png

entropy

Samuel Beckett used to live in a cottage outside Paris, at the same time Andre the Giant lived there, an overlarge twelve-year-old who couldn’t take the bus to school any longer due to his acromegaly.

Sam Beckett was a card-player buddy of Andre’s father, and when he learned of Andre’s difficulty in getting to school, offered to drive young Andre each morning.

Andre the Giant used to be driven to school by the man who wrote Waiting For Godot, and they mostly discussed cricket, according to Andre’s accounts of the time. This is massively more interesting to me than the fucking Iggles game I am getting on my FOX stations today.

Morning, everybody. How’s things?

Redshirt

Did you see that game? They used him so little, I was waiting for him to intercept the shotgun snaps.

So Rob and Irvin are going to go to a strip club after the broadcast, right?

Beerguyrob

After “they turned my bye week into my ‘bye-bye’ week”, I think the least Irvin can do is show a brother a good time.

Gratliff

Oh man. The backbreaking pick six in the Dallas loss will be so amazing.

Redshirt

Apparently when I said that the Bengals’ offense last Monday was the worst I’ve seen, the Buckeyes’ offense heard that and took it as a personal challenge. They succeeded.

Just further proof that the Universe will correct itself if you let it and that I can’t have nice things.

Beerguyrob

The entire state has been working overtime in the Factory this week.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

SNL Observation:
(Looks left)
(Looks right)
(Leans in and whispers)
The episode was pretty good.

Gratliff

So you’re resorting to out-right lies now.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

It got your attention didn’t it?

Redshirt

You can lie to us, but don’t lie to yourself.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alshon Jeffrey OUT. Gonna be a long aBrockening

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh my, this is what Squanto would look like if he were a queer! Speaking of which, I’m looking forward to Spanksgiving at Buddy’s.

King Hippo

Also, these “disturbing fan” pics are even more impressive finds than the underboob ones. Which of the above-referenced Chefs fans has touched more 8-year olds, ya reckon?

King Hippo

Talk about your all-time mutual shit trades – the Rams and Iggles are each somehow UPGRADING their sad sack QB sitches with Keenum and the Sanchize, respectively.

Also, feel free to advise the Hippo on his quandary on Funchess vs. Ebron for my PPR flex. Leaning Funchess on a hunch.

Gratliff

LeSean McCoy to Buffalo. DeMarco Murray to Philly. All 3 teams are worse.
Nick Foles to St. Louis. Sam Bradford to Philly. Both teams are worse.

The moral here is that the Eagles should trade with no one and no one should ever accept a trade from the Eagles.

Doktor Zymm

WOO SECONDED

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