Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 14)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: A dank, dark basement. Ballsofsteelandfury wakes up on the floor.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Whoa, I need the number of the truck that hit me. Last thing I remember is… Oh, crap…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

The Angry Girl Scout stands at the entrance to the basement, glaring down at Ballsofsteelandfury.

Angry Girl Scout: Nice of you to finally wake up, dickhead.

Ballsofsteelandfury: You! You hit me with a bus!

Angry Girls Scout: Oh, we did not. We grazed you, maybe. Then you swung around the flag pole and did a faceplant into the bus.

Ballsofsteelandfury (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, that’s so much better. Look, kid, I told you before, I don’t have your damn cookies.

Angry Girl Scout: Too late, smart guy. We gave you a chance to make good, but you just had to get cute. Well now yer gonna pay, all right…just not in cash.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Kid, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but unless you open the door and let me out, I’m going to…

Angry Girl Scout: Going to what, tough guy? Before you go making threats, maybe you should look down.

Ballsofsteelandfury looks down at his hands. A horrified look crosses his face.

Ballsofsteelandfury: What have you done? What have you done?!!

Angry Girl Scout (with an evil laugh): Not such a tough guy now, are you?

Ballsofsteelandfury holds up his hands as he screams.

Ballsofsteelandfury: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Angry Girl Scout: Bwahahahaha!!!!

The scene: Present-day Amsterdam, where, JJ Fozz, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and Lord Revisisle are sitting on a curb outside of Vandersexxx. All three are wearing Vandersexxx t-shirts, and they look…disturbed..

Lord Revisisle: Well, that was…different…

Fozz: I think that we can all agree that we should never talk about…what happened in there.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: I’m never eating strawberry pudding again.

Fozz: Look, dumbass, when I said never…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: And how did they get a trampoline in there? Did the giraffe bring it in?

Fozz: That wasn’t a giraffe. That was Lamar Odom in a leopard-print shirt.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Stupid brownies.

Lord Revisisle’s cell phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket, then removes it from a Ziploc® bag.

Fozz (looking at the bag): What the hell…?

Lord Revisisle: I didn’t want it to get…sticky.

Fozz: Point taken.

Lord Revisisle (looking at the phone): It’s a text from Ballsofsteelandfury.

Fozz: Well? What’s it say?

Lord Revisisle shows the phone to JJ Fozz and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly.
HRTN Cel01

Fozz: What a bunch of crap.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Maybe he had a brownie, too?

Lord Revisisle: I’ll try to talk him through this.

HRTN Cel02

Fozz: It figures.  We take a few days off and everything goes into the crapper.

Lord Revisisle: Hold on.  He’s texting back.
HRTN Cel03

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Wait a minute…Girl Scouts in a bus?  That sounds familiar…

Cut to: Halloween night, one year ago.  Rikki-Tikki-Deadly is standing on a street corner in a Green Goblin costume, talking to an imaginary Abraham Lincoln.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: No, seriously, how was the play?

Imaginary Abraham Lincoln: You should never have used Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s mushrooms on your pizza, Rikki. You’re messed up, man.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: He offered them! Well, I mean…he left them out where I could find them. It would have been rude to just leave them there…in that drawer, behind the coffee and in the sealed ceramic jar.  Hey, do you see pixies?

Imaginary Abraham Lincoln: No, Rikki.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (waving at the imaginary pixies): Me neither.  Just asking. Hey, do you know what time it is?  Otto Man was supposed to meet me here half an hour ago in his Spider-Man costume.   I feel stupid standing out here dressed like the Green Goblin without him.  I lack context.

Imaginary Abraham Lincoln: It’s four-score and seven minutes after midnight.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Don’t tell me you haven’t just been waiting to do that.

A brightly-colored school bus with the words “Anarchy Now!” spray-painted on the side screeches to a stop next to Rikki-Tikki-Deadly.

Angry Girl Scout: Hey, squidbreath!  You might wanna go check on your girlfriend in the Spidey costume…he’s looking a bit run down!

The bus roars away, tires squealing, as the Girl Scouts laugh.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: So, did that just really happen?

Imaginary Abraham Lincoln (making out with imaginary Heather Graham): Mmph? Look, Rikki, we wouldn’t mind some privacy, if you know what I mean.

Cut to: Present day Amsterdam, where JJ Fozz and Lord Revisisle are glaring at Rikki-Tikki-Deadly.

Fozz: And it took you this long to tell us about that night?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: I thought it was the mushrooms!

Lord Revisisle: Never mind that. If these girl scouts are the same ones that ran over Otto Man, then Balls is in real trouble.

Fozz (looking intense): You know what this means, right?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: More brownies?

Fozz (looking disgusted): No, dumbass. It means we have to rescue Balls, and find out why these Girl Scouts have it in for the DFO.

Lord Revisisle: Right!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Right! But first, could we get a few more brownies for the trip?

Fozz: No, but you can get my foot in your ass.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Hey, I thought we weren’t going to talk about Vandersexxx…

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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JerBear50Moose -The End Is Well NighblaxabbathOld School Zeroballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
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JerBear50
JerBear50

You can tell it was Lamar Odom by the way he laid perfectly still for several days.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JerBear50
JerBear50

Was this before he married Julia Roberts?

blaxabbath

This is really getting out of hand.

Old School Zero

We should recruit that Abe guy. Seems like a real good fella.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yay, I’m still alive!

I’m assuming the Chinese finger trap is meant to rob me of my finger gunz shooting powers… those girl scouts are not dumb!

Horatio Cornblower

And finally Red Forman gets to put his foot in someone’s ass.

Doktor Zymm

It’s really fun to ride a train on mushrooms while taking a special relativity class.

laserguru

I’ve ridden Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyland while on acid. That’s kind of the same thing.

WCS

You know, I always thought RTD and I were cool. He never once paid for drugs. Not once.

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