Just the EPL Sad and Lonely Weekend Preview

Yes, the weekend has finally come when I have no JV NFL to preview. The world is colder and more barren than usual. And I promised my kids we would go get a Christmas tree this afternoon. Timing is not exactly coincidental. I will likely fuck my neck and/or back up (even more) and have nothing good to watch. SIGH.

But let us keep our chins up and our heads out of the oven, and focus on the EPL. The Little Foxy Engine That Could surprised everyone last weekend and re-took sole possession of first place, and Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) is generally considered the day things stop being polite, and start getting real in English footy. Leicester ain’t going away by then, folks. To the fixtures!

Norwich and Dear Beloved Everton kick things off at the ungodly hour of 7:45 EST (NBCSN), and it’s another crucial match for the Toffees as they try to get out of the mass in the upper-middle. Currently, there are seven teams on 21-23 points, clogging up slots 6-12 on the table. Everton smack dab in the middle at 9th on 22. Two weeks ago, Everton blew a 2-nil lead, then a 3-2 lead in the last 30 seconds of added time to Bournemouth. Last week, on English MNF, they hit the woodwork three times in a dominating performance that ended in another draw against Palace. Win either game, and the Blues are clear of the pack in 6th, as their goal differential predicts they should be. Irritating as fuck, but hopefully some frustration gets taken out on sad sack Norwich.

Saturday’s 10:00 window brings two interesting games – 3rd place City against desperate, reeling 15th place Swansea (NBCSN), and the two ends of the upper-middle pack, 6th place Palace and 12th position Southampton (USA). The Swans got absolutely destroyed at home by Leicester last week, and once wonderkind manager Gerry Monk might need a result just to keep his job. City looked awful themselves last week, and have been truly baffling after a red hot start to the season. The Saints are loads more fun than Palace, so hopefully they compress things in the middle even more with a victory. Definitely the most evenly matched fixture of the day.

Sunday brings three matches, but the two top end clubs each play relegation fodder (Arsenal vs. Villa at 8:30, NBCSN; Spurs vs. Barcodes at 11, NBCSN or Extra Time). The 8th place Shite of Liverpool play the slightly better than relegation fodder West Brom Albion at 11 (NBCSN or Extra Time, the website isn’t clear), so I guess one could watch that.

Monday Night Footy could be very good indeed, with Leicester hosting Chelsea. Chelsea are in 14th, and that’s where they deserve to be, based on goal differential. Don’t kid yourselves into thinking that a run to the top is imminent – they’re shit and it’s glorious. Should be an excellent showcase for the Foxes, as NBCSN loves the story, every bit as much as the front-running English press hates it.

Feel free to talk about college hoops, 1-AA footy in the comments, etc.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Horatio Cornblower

Is Frank about to club Joe from behind? Is this the end of The Hardy Boys?

blordinaryfagicmox
Horatio Cornblower

If you have a tattoo that says “Only God Can Judge Me” and you’re getting your ass handed to you in a fight you should have to have the tattoo taken off, because clearly there’s at least one other person who can judge you.

WCS

Well, God and the three fight judges. It is the job of the latter.

Lothar of the Hill People

OK, it’s up at 5:30 again for 3+ miles.

I’ll depart with one of the matron saint. The brunette matron saint, given all the Muslim hugs I’m giving out (and Muslims tend to be brunettes).

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G’night.

Lothar of the Hill People

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

If there’s one thing that MMA has taught me it’s that I need to get this pin-up girl tattoo sand-blasted off and replace it with two angel wing tattoos down the entire length of my back.

Because that doesn’t look stupid at all.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Another Muslim I’d like to hug, even if she got me a little wet

http://fcbahistory.pbworks.com/f/1294329952/Yasmeen%20Ghauri.jpg

Bloody Lethal

Lordy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not teh sexy, but one of my favorite actors, partly because he has a weird streak.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/b5630b8f73a4cf675aa138f29f66a095/tumblr_ne9bul7zmV1qc2ixao1_1280.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

Dafoe does not have a weird streak. he has a normal streak that very occasionally interrupts his weirdness.

But he is a fantastic actor.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, maybe you can excuse me, for I am looking at it from a very weird perspective, obviously.

Horatio Cornblower

Touche’ sir.

Bloody Lethal

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blordinaryfagicmox

But are there any redhead muslims?
http://i.imgur.com/f4XMGYJ.jpg
Check and mate. And mate.

WCS

What’s up, jizzwagons? What are we doing tonight?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Drinking beer and hoping this pay-per-view fight I just sprung for is worth it.

WCS

SPOILER ALERT: It won’t be.

Horatio Cornblower

Just spent $60 to get the McGregor-Also fight, thus ensuring every fight will suck like an Electrolux.

blordinaryfagicmox

$60 is pretty good for a ppv fight, didn’t they used to cost an ear and a leg?

Horatio Cornblower

MMA not so much; too easy to see the main one end in 22 seconds and get all pissed off.

Which is almost certainly going to happen to me.

Lothar of the Hill People

And another Muslim I’d like to hug. From what I understand, she’s not practicing, but she grew up Muslim.

Good enough for a hug for Sarah:

http://www.quotationof.com/images/sarah-shahi-5.jpg

Lothar of the Hill People

Like many Muslims, she comes from a poor country, and cannot afford clothes.

I would offer her some of mine, but there seems to be a problem with my pants.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/f9760066602ab3be68384109a5e13200/tumblr_no0r0u5fLD1sq5tezo1_1280.jpg

Lothar of the Hill People

Many Muslim-majority countries are in the lower latitudes, thus, the people native to these lands are used to hot summers and mild winters. When they move to colder climates, they sometimes have difficulty adjusting to the temperature change:

http://haineng.co/images/sarah-shahi/sarah-shahi-rush-hour-ed91ddfebfceb0a4a82726f11a6046e1-big-59104.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She is one of my favorites, +L Word.

Lothar of the Hill People

She needs to do a PSA. Then we could stop all this Muslim-hating.

http://7-themes.com/data_images/out/64/6991653-sarah-shahi-girl-actress.jpg

Jebus. The things I would do… to, um, disappoint her…

Lothar of the Hill People

Jeri Ryan, just because… if her husband hadn’t taken her to a “sex club,” he probably would’ve won his Senate race, and thus Barack Obama would still be in the Illinois House of Representatives.

http://i1371.photobucket.com/albums/ag302/MissChefKarly/other/Jeri-jeri-ryan-29005025-800-600_zps6fbb6ff6.jpg

Lothar of the Hill People

If you needed more reason to hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnhgggghhhh

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blordinaryfagicmox

It’s ok, we needed her husband, Jack, to remain in his current position. Otherwise Sean Connery would’ve never defected.

Horatio Cornblower

If I could get Jeri Ryan to agree to go to a sex club with me I would make that the main platform of my campaign. And I’d fucking win too.

Bloody Lethal
Lothar of the Hill People

I’ve seen dudes with artificial knees walk with a more natural gait.

Amazing what steroids can do for an old guy.

Horatio Cornblower

At my gym they have bunches of magazines and I’ll grab one to read between sets, (you know, when I refuse to give up the bench press for 30 minutes while doing two sets), and the profile on Vince in one of those muscle magazines was laugh out loud funny. Just complete bullshit about how he works out twice a day for four hours at a time and eats his vegetables and all that shit.

He works out sure, but he takes enough HGH and testosterone to kill a fucking horse.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

FUN BRICK MEATHOOK FACT:

Keanu Reeves once bummed a cigarette from me.

THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER FUN BRICK MEATHOOK FACT

Lothar of the Hill People

John Travolta once bumped into my friend while we were hanging out on the Promenade in Santa Monica. I shook hands with Magic Johnson and marveled at Shaquille O’Neal’s gigantic size outside Pauley Pavilion.

I met Walter Payton at the Chicago auto show. He said nice things to me, as I was so nervous I was shaking.

That’s about the extent of my interactions with American celebrities. Pretty pathetic.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I had a chance to murder Rick Reilly on a flight from LA to Denver and didn’t. I AM SORRY.

http://45.media.tumblr.com/e449d3f7d78febf7c91f23ddbb62f0c9/tumblr_nydsaibJBL1thfe8uo1_500.gif

Horatio Cornblower

You sir, are worse than Hitler.

Horatio Cornblower

I was on Jeopardy and Alex Trebek more or less ignored me. Making me just like pretty much everyone else on Jeopardy not named Ken Jennings.

But while we were taping the show my wife ran after Neve Campbell on the Universal lot and made her look at our then three month old son. I am told Ms. Campbell is very nice and polite and not at all inclined to call security and have them arrest the obviously insane woman running around the lot with a baby and accosting actors.

Bloody Lethal

Oh look at the big brain on Cornblower!

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, watch the second game; not so much a big brain. I got fucking steamrolled.

Why yes, I did find a way to humblebrag that I won the first game!

Brick Meathook

YOU MEANT THE SONY LOT

Horatio Cornblower

This was ’98. It was almost definitely Universal. Although two kids, a mortgage and 17 years have shattered my memory.

Lothar of the Hill People

Kids will shatter just about everything about a man. You’re lucky if your nuts are intact; my kids kick, punch, or stomp on them on a near-daily basis.

Lothar of the Hill People

I kinda know a guy (I’ve worked with him for a few weeks) who was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. That makes two game show contestants I sorta kinda know! That’s better than my friend getting bumped into by Travolta! FAME, I CAN SMELL THY COLOGNE!

Bloody Lethal

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Lothar of the Hill People

Can we embed from Instagram here?

I.N.S.O.M.N.I.A ?? #Recycling #old #pics #NYC #2013 A photo posted by Razane Jammal رزان جمّال (@razanejammal) on Sep 2, 2015 at 7:20pm PDT

Lothar of the Hill People

Guess not.

blordinaryfagicmox

I tried signing up for instagram just the other day but couldn’t figure it out (I need an email address? whats an email?) but, if you can get a url of the image, anything ending in jpg of gif, it will post.

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, Instagram is a mystery to me. I was trying to get the image code out of it, but I’m pretty sure you can’t direct link or post an Instagram image. They want you to visit the site.

Lothar of the Hill People

Point is, if you click on the picture, you’d see why I’d want to hug her.

More accurately, I’d probably never want to get out of bed with her.

Most accurately, I’d probably never want to pull my face out of her hair. Holy crap, she’s gorgeous. And that hair!

blordinaryfagicmox

Hmm yes, usually just right clicking on the image gives me the option to get the image url. But this instagram is not such easy nut to crack.comment image

blordinaryfagicmox

But lo, all nuts can be cracked! Unless the nut is actually talking to that girl in complete sentences.

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, I think I’d have a hard time making coherent words in any of the three languages we share in common.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I meant to say Debbie Ryan instead of what I already posted; time to start drinking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

I live in a diverse neighborhood. My neighbors on one side are Algerian. On the other, Sri Lankan. Great neighbors, great people. My daughter’s best friend is a Moroccan/Egyptian girl down the street. I speak Arabic. I’ve lived in the Middle East. I’m enlightened, and enjoy living in a neighborhood where I see old Bengali ladies power-walking down the street in their shalwar-kameez and headscarves.

So when a couple Muslim women were at the street corner when I was driving, and I heard some jackass yell out his car window for them to “Go home, you fuckin’ ragheads,” my rage-meter–already near volcanic levels from Christmas shopping and dealing with fucking morons who don’t understand the basics of driving a car–went into the red. Unfortunately, I had completed my turn and was too far away to pull a u-turn in traffic and plow into the brainless asshole.

Instead, I picked up my kids from the babysitter, took them home, and was halfway into my quadrupel before their bathwater was drawn.

Next chance I get, I’m gonna hug a Muslim.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Or this one:

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Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People
Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit do I hate Christmas shopping.

Fortunately I bought myself an early Xmas present of Oskar Blues Blue Dream IPA. Never had it before but the cheerful stoner at the liquor store highly recommended it.

It does smell somewhat of weed. Let’s see how it tastes shall we?

It’s good. I’ll leave it to someone like Make It Snow and his evolved palate to get more specific, but it’s good. Would drink again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

My reward for Christmas shopping was a 4-pack of Weyerbacher Quadrupel.

Then a couple shots of whiskey.

Then some Bulleit.

I deserved it. Especially because my parents sent my daughter a Rush Limbaugh book for her 6th birthday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, my parents are right-wingers who listen to Limbaugh and think that Glenn Beck “has some good ideas.”

Once when I confronted them on their love of some Birther propagandists, my mom said, “Oh, I dunno, there’s something a little fishy about all that. You never know…”

I have yet to bring up Trump with them, because I’m worried they might have bumper stickers, and I am sure that Trump has either had a stroke, or is Hitler reborn.

Horatio Cornblower

That would be the last time my parents ever saw their grandchildren.

Lothar of the Hill People

The worst part is that I honestly think my parents are sheep. If Air America had made it big instead of EIB, they’d probably be hippie leftists.

They hear shit on the radio and internalize it. It’s scary. My dad’s a very smart guy. My mom isn’t dumb. It dumbfounds me.

Lothar of the Hill People

And I’m thinking it’s my fault, as I told my parents how much my daughter loved Schoolhouse Rock, and how she was learning American history from those old shorts/songs. So they sent “Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims” to maybe teach her some history?

I can’t decide what is most offensive: Rush Limbaugh cut & pasting his balloon-shaped face over Paul Revere’s, putting his name over one of the patriots who risked his life for our country’s independence, or the complete dreck inside the book.

Unfortunately, it was a two-part gift. I can return the book to Amazon, but the stuffed horse (apparently “Rush Revere’s” horse, “Liberty”) came direct from some Tea Party – affiliated web site, so we pretty much have to keep it. And then I get to explain to my daughter why Grandma & Grandpa sent her just one crappy gift for her birthday. I’m going to buy “Where the Sidewalk Ends” for her, wrap it up and pretend it’s from my parents, and then when they ask her if she likes the book, she’ll say how much she loves it and then we’ll get more Rush Limbaugh crap… wait, my plan has a flaw.

Horatio Cornblower

Which chapter is it where Rush Revere and the brave patriots dodge the draft?

Horatio Cornblower

That’s gonna leave a mark.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

If I were Batman I would have let her get away with whatever she wanted.

Lothar of the Hill People

Nice fuckin’ hamstrings.

Bloody Lethal

Supes was an illegal alien.

Lothar of the Hill People

When I’m President, we’re gonna build a 100-foot tall wall ’round dis country, made uh Kryptonite, and lemme tell ya, I’m gonna get da Kryptonians to pay for it.

Spanky Datass

X-Mas Ape Senior had a whirlwind affair with Natalie Wood. Poeple ferget that.

Spanky Datass

Ha! Mary Poppins is on.

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Bloody Lethal

I must know… more.

Spanky Datass

I had no idea Mary Poppins pin-up art was a thing until I found that top image. FUN!

scotchnaut

Texas takes down them cheatin’ Heels. It was a good one.

scotchnaut

Those hips!

Spanky Datass

I like the part where she hula hoops nekked I like that part…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She doesn’t like the Tar Heels either.

scotchnaut

The Penguinos iced their coach.

Bloody Lethal

Jeez. That guy was almost TOO waspy to handle.

Horatio Cornblower

I want to marry this gif.

Beerguyrob

Sidney Crosby = UNCOACHABLE!

entropy

I think the hospital gave this to my parents the day I was born.

Beerguyrob

This movie is on TV right now. I watched the first 10 minutes to see if they had accidentally booked a Peter North feature. The paycheque acting is impressive.

It does have Aunt Becky.

What kind of a name is “Bailee Madison”; it sounds like Siamese millenials.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/614i2cmvLQL._SY445_.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

Dermot Mulroney has had one of the weirdest careers ever.

laserguru

Intermission now. First act synopsis : Big Christmas party. All of the kids behave badly. Girl gets nutcracker for present, fall asleep and is woken up by a gang of rats with glowing red eyes. Fight ensues and king rat dies.
it’s an acid induced nightmare.
Jesus.

ballsofsteelandfury

Jesus! What is this hell you’ve fallen into?

laserguru

The Nutcracker. Granddaughter one was in the last act as a Sentry.
I’m at The Strand brewery in Torrance drinking beers and washing away the pain.
Holy fuck it’s trying.

Beerguyrob

“It’s a Charlie Brown Fever Dream”.

Horatio Cornblower

“Can’t it be both?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ve said this before; but motorcycle chariot races need to come back in style.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/97391d1472151c6dd3ac1a9cfa721b26/tumblr_nw0fi4pQcO1s6c2vgo1_1280.jpg

Horatio Cornblower

Patton Oswalt’s line “That’s gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys” has never seemed more appropriate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Probably the funniest pie I’ve seen in a while, circus fights excepted.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/b1c6380242a318dc8793f097a721693f/tumblr_nrtf1mV46e1s7f9cco1_1280.jpg

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

MAAAAKE OOOOOOOOUT!

/always late with the caption

Spanky Datass

Damn kids and their skating boards and hippity hop and breaking dances … GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!1!

http://41.media.tumblr.com/a2035db3fadaa18c4763bec51f6e30e2/tumblr_nupkx9tH1j1sroc46o1_500.jpg

laserguru

I’m at the ballet now. Vince Vaughn is sitting about 10 rows in front of me. His daughter is in the same dance troop as my granddaughters.
He seems like a pretty chill dude.
Tall.

blaxabbath

I can think of worse people than VV.

PK, for one.

Horatio Cornblower

Please ask him if he hated the ending of ‘True Detective’ 2 as much as I did.

Spoiler alert: he didn’t.