Football Actually

For some reason, I always get inspired in the shower.  This morning, for some unexplicable reason, my thoughts turned to the worst movie ever made:  Love Actually.  I thought of all those despicable couples and how their stories are all intertwined and so lame and no one really stands out for being any good.   So, of course, I saw the link to the 2015 NFL season instantly.

In no particular order, here are the love stories in Love Actually translated into this year’s NFL teams:

Billy Mack and Joe

Plot from IMDB:  With the help of his longtime manager Joe (Gregor Fisher), aging rock and roll legend Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) records a Christmas variation of The Troggs’ classic hit “Love Is All Around”. Although he thinks the record is terrible, Mack promotes the release in the hope it will become the Christmas number one single. The song does go to number one; after briefly celebrating his victory at a party hosted by Sir Elton John, Billy recognizes that Joe is the love of his life and suggests that he and Joe celebrate Christmas by getting drunk and watching porn.

NFL Team:  Green Bay Packers.  The gay jokes write themselves, folks.  Billy Mack is Aaron Rodgers and Joe is Mike McCarthy.   I mean, he even looks like him!

It’s bloody cold, innit?

After a few trials and tribulations (tribulations always follow trials, btw), the team of two gets to #1 before another song takes the top spot.  Similarly, the Packers will win their division and crash out of the playoffs.

Mr. Creepy, please pick up a courtesy phone!

Plot from IMDB:  You know what, fuck it, we all know the story.  Creepy McCreeperston lusts after Kiera Knightley even though she just married Peter (/black dick joke!) and creates a wonderful meme:

NFL Team:  Houston Texans.   God, I wish this storyline didn’t exist in the same way the Texans don’t.  Kiera, of course, is the defense, headed by J.J. “I’m pretty and perfect except not really” Watt and Brian Hoyer and T.J. Yates are her suitors.  I hate all these people so so so so much. She is fucking weak and strings both of them along.  The truth is they are both horrible choices and the whole triangle is an abomination.  For some godforsaken reason, a lot of people like this storyline, which I equate to the fact that this team is in the AFC South and SOMEONE has to get into the playoffs.  This team and storyline can go die in a monster truck tire fire.

David and Natalie

Hugh Grant plays the Prime Minister while Natalie is played by … a nameless somebody.  They basically break every HR rule yet completely get away with it, their love is allowed to flourish and everyone praises them and thinks they’re the best.  Yep, they’re the New England Patriots!

Sarah, Karl, and Michael

This is one of the saddest stories.  Sarah is on the verge of having it all.  The new guy she likes and has been lusting for all these years is interested in her and they finally go back to her place and things are getting good when, like clockwork, her mentally ill brother snaps her dream and takes her back to reality.  New dude can’t deal and Sarah is left loveless again.

NFL Team:  Cincinnati Bengals.  Poor Andy Dalton.  Yeah, she’s a ginger too…

Colin

Colin can’t buy a break.  He does incredibly poorly in his own country and thinks that if he can only leave and go to another one, his chances will increase and he can actually score.  This being a horrible movie, of course he does, but he’s still a dipshit.

NFL Team:  Jacksonville Jaguars.   Hey, those sex cabanas have to be good for something…

John and Judy

By far my favorite couple and really the most realistic out of all of them.  They get the fundamentals of relationships right in that they are really good at doing the important things right yet are a little bit shy about taking the next step.  They go slowly, but darn it if those kids are not going to make it after all!

NFL Team:  Carolina Panthers.

I can’t stomach anymore.  Your suggestions in the comments…

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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WhyEaglesWhy

I’m going to take shit but I don’t care. You’re all wrong and this movie is fantastic. No, really.

That said, the Rick Grimes storyline gives me the willies every time. Him wandering around the street hitting himself makes me cringe.

Finally, the Colin storyline is the NFC East. He can’t hang until he gets somewhere that has lowered expectations, and all of a sudden he’s a winner.

makeitsnowondem

Colin Firth is Chuck Pagano and Ryan Grigson is the housekeeper that only speaks Portuguese and then throws Pagano’s playbook into the lake.

makeitsnowondem

It’s been a bit since I’ve seen this.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Meh, I hate romantic comedies in general, but that one was far from the worst, a few laughs, some nudity, and your usual shitty ending.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Call Creeper McCreeperson by his formal name, Rick Grimes. He did the same shit this season on Walking Dead. I can’t blame him for either though, Keira Knightly and hot blonde MILF are worth creeping on.

(it is Keira* btw, my instinct was to put the i before the e too)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
SonOfSpam

“For some reason, I always get inspired in the shower.”

Because Balls gets some quality time with his balls?

entropy

This movie sucks, we all know it, and yet every fucking woman loves it (Dok and Pie’s mileage may vary). I can honestly state I have never seen it, and I believe I am better and happier for it.

But I would like to take this moment to remind you The Expanse starts tonight on SyFy, and it is awesome, so adjust your DVRs. Also, the three-night adaptation of Arthur C Clark’s Childhood’s End (an amazing novel for its time, still holds up pretty well, and the mid-point reveal is just fucked up and really quite cool) starts at 8 and it has Charles Dance in it, so it will at least have some cool lines spoken with gravitas. Perfect stuff for washing this romcom nonsense out of your head, or to watch after the Gints/LOLphins slap fight.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

In this case, the camera sheds about 150 lbs.

http://s1.postimg.org/84z24oofj/MAYBE.jpg

WhyEaglesWhy

Fucking well played.

WCS

Mike McCarthy looks like he would get himself locked inside his own car on more than one occasion.

blaxabbath

Haven’t seen the movie.

Nor most of the 2015 season, to be honest.

I am: NFL Referees!

entropy

During the Jets game yesterday, the officials called an illegal block on #56 on the Titans. Without missing a beat, commentator says, “there is no number 56.” It was hilarious.

Senor Weaselo

ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE FLAG IS CALLED, IT’S CALLED FOR BLEERGH.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have to go with the Seattle Seahawks as the kid story; Russell Wilson as someone short of statute who begins a chaste relationship with a girl who is good at singing. Plus Pete Carroll and something with airport security.

Old School Zero

Special appearance by Roger Goodell as Mr. Bean.

jjfozz

I will never, ever watch this movie. Even if steak and blow jobs are hinted at. It’s not going to happen.

What are these “relationships” you speak off?

entropy

Aren’t those the ones in SF novels where a bunch of people get on a giant slow-moving starship, and just make babies until they reach their destination?

No, want, those are generation ships. My bad.