Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 14

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Remember how glorious Week 13 was? Well, this was pretty much the exact opposite. BOO THIS WEEK.

I will get the elephant in the room out of the way immediately. My Donks seemingly had things on cruise control, with the defense looking more dominant than ever, a 9-0 lead, and driving to end the half. Then Denver missed two pretty easy chances to cash in the TD, and settled for FG #4 from inside the 3-yard line. This would turn out to be meaningful in more than just fantasy, as Derek Carr directed one long, perfect drive, and made another picture perfect 3rd and 15 TD pass to secure the 15-12 upset, with the Broncos tripping over their dicks left and right whenever Oakland wasn’t punching them in the mouth. A gutty performance by one team, a shameful one by the other, and the right team won.

Making the P*ts day even better, Cincy shat itself at home as well, albeit with a better excuse, losing both Andy Dalton and Tyler Eifert to injury. Why the Bungles don’t just forfeit their home fixtures against the Stillers is beyond me. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS FOR YOU. Red Rocket has a broken right (i.e., passing) thumb, and although he is only confirmed out for next week, he is almost surely done for the regular season, at minimum. Yinzers coming on strong and fast.

As are the Chefs, who win yet again (if a bit shit this week). 10-3 at home against a gastrointestinally distressed King Laserface ain’t impressing nobody, but it’s a very typical Kansas City/Andy Reid kind of thing to do. Never try to figure this franchise/coach duo out, or expect consistent performance. The Bolts actually had the ball inside the 1 with 5 seconds left, only to get a delay of game after a fucking timeout before throwing incomplete outside the 5. Then, a false start before incomplete redux from the 10+ to end it. U-G-L-Y. Alibis completely absent.

Green Bay beat the shit out of Dallas, in the most dull and unimaginative way possible. This game was broadcast to the entire nation, with very little respite thanks to an unforgivable 11:2 early:late split.

I am likely the only person in the world who hates the Stevie Wonder Christmas song commercial. I mute the fucking tv (even on super quiet volume over the boring-assed Texans SNF as I type this shit up) every time it comes on.

Speaking of having the shit beat out of you…just wow, Falcons. Cam gets some highlights for his Heisman MVP campaign, and we even get a Horse Balls sighting! Defense pitches a shutout, even with the entire second half consisting of garbage time.

Tampa Bay loses its hot run at the craps table, at home against…the Saints? REALLY? New Orleans pounded the rock almost 30 times with Tim Fucking Hightower, and it fucking worked. Football is really weird sometimes.

Shady McCoy’s much-hyped “revenge game” against Chip Kelly ends up perfectly middle-of-the-road, and the whole thing plays out as a close-but-not-good game between decent-but-not-good teams with meh QBs. In the end…23-20, Iggles. Back up to 6-7 for a season that had been left for dead, even by NFC East standards.

Who else is 6-7? THE REDACTEDS, that’s who! Our own Doktor Zymm gots to see a 24-21 win, thanks to timely defense and shitty placekicking. Back-to-back home losses to THE FLOW and Kirk Cousins? Thus ends the Bears’ brief flirtation with competence.

After losing Team of Destiny moniker, London’s beloved Jaguras put up 50+ on the Humps. Despite only managing 3 offensive points in the entire first half! Again, football is really fucking weird sometimes. Back down to 6-7 go the Humps, waiting for the Texans to lose and join them there.

I hope Tennessee at least brought K-Y to the Meadowlands with them, and/or the Jets took them to dinner last night.

In the first meeting of what will one day overshadow PeyPey/Dreamboat in epic QB rivalry series, THE BLOW bests THE FLOW 24-10. THE BLOW made finger guns when a facemask penalty took a SF safety off the board, which is the only play I really remember from this game. Opiates were involved and necessary today.

The Lions and Rams played today. Golden Taint and Todd Gurley (NAWT dead! Who knew??) each scored twice, I shit you not. But St. Louis also RAMMED IT! in once on defense, so they get to win.

In perhaps the biggest upset of the day, the Balmer Ratbirds scored! TWICE!!! Yes, Jimmeh “Emu” Clausen managed not one, but two FG drives into the teeth of the SeaTruther defense. He’s come a long way since he led the Bears into the Pacific Northwest in Week 3. Some people might focus on Charmslinger’s 5 TD passes, but one could see that coming a mile away, no?

I have paid VERY little attention to the first half of P*ts/Texans. Gronk just scored to ensure I will pay zero attention to the second half. FUCK THIS WEEK. We knew Satan would get his way in the end like always, but it would have been nice to hold onto the illusion of hope a little longer. I mean shit, could we not at least have finished Chaka Khan first ,, smgdh??

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I also hate the Stevie Wonder Christmas song commercial.

This does not mean that I hate Stevie Wonder, Christmas, songs, or commercials.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Spot on analysis of the Chargers-Chiefs game. It is worth mentioning though, that the announcing crew of Andrew Catalon/Steve Tasker/Steve Beuerlein was the worst I’ve heard in sports in years. Tasker had a 3 minute rant when the Chiefs had a few penalties in a row, saying THE CHIEFS JUST DON’T GET PENALTIES, because, NARRATIVE! The crew also got numerous players mixed up, and at one point, even the teams.

Why can’t there just be an option to watch all games without announcers?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We just cut the cord for cable so I have to watch games on network TV. Sometimes the feed goes wonky and the picture gets a little scrambled, but the audio drops out entirely. Every second of that is like a second in heaven.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

When I was in college, there was an SF Giants game on local broadcast that was having some technical issues. Basically, everything was the same, but the announcers feed (like in the World Series game earlier this year) was cut, and the only sound we got was what was happening on the field and the fans cheering. It was actually really really entertaining, and I wish that was available as an option for all sports. In games without a lot of fan support though, I could see how it would get boring though.

Side note: I hope the Giants lose every game they play this year.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I missed all teh football except SNF yesterday in order to go skiing instead. Content with that decision.

Beerguyrob

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My brother has shown up, stole a family vehicle and turned up passed out naked on a couch at least 3 times, and I get scolded for drinking during the games the next morning

jjfozz

Wait, your brother is Christmas Ape? Say hi for me!

monty this seems strange to me

Is this the storyline of the next HRTN?

jjfozz

I have a nice neighbor. He is from Milwaukee.

We were watching the Green Bay game and I said to him, “Your team has been around for 1,000 years and the best you guys can manage is ‘Go Pack Go’?”

And he says, “That’s tradition. We have more of that than any other team in the NFL.”

I kinda wanted to punch him, instead I made fun of Clay Matthews riding a bike on one of those NFL promos.

Beerguyrob

You could also make fun of the fact that they use high school cheerleaders, since a post-graduate all-cheese & brat diet sizes them out of the uniforms.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Green Bay Packers: A Tradition of Obesity

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

You are aware that your city stole the Ravens, right?

monty this seems strange to me

Actually they stole the Browns and turned them into a usually-respectable team, at least in terms of on-field performance. More stabbings, more Super Bowls!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

When are we going to have the gift exchange where us West Coast people give you East Coast people back your weather.
It’s in the 40’s outside.
THE FORTIES!!!
Shit.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have no idea if this is a bad thing. I don’t understand

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I mean you are in shorts weather

ballsofsteelandfury

You people are monsters.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I played hockey with 2 siblings. I lived there

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

It is cold as shit here in Los Angeles. And yes I am wearing a T-shirt and shorts. I have my twenty-year-old North Face jacket liner nearby.

entropy

it’s 66 here in Bethlehem. This is a weird year. MAYBE.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Nice and cozy for the baby Jeebus if it holds!

monty this seems strange to me

I will get the elephant in the room out of the way immediately.

OH SHIT EVERYONE TAKE COVER THERE’S AN ELEPHANT AND A HIPPO IN THE SAME ROOM

Horatio Cornblower

Are they both high on opiates?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Don T

Can’t believe spent most of yesterday off the grid to get the DVR TEN@NYJ (mail-in) and NE@HOU (maulin’) shit sandwich. In the middle was OAK@DEN, whose first half was brutal. Watching the NFL was the time-waster of the week.
/tries to kick stray cat, falls like Charlie Brown

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

Someday I will look back on making the playoffs in all five of my FF leagues as an accomplishment. Getting knocked out yesterday in two of them did not feel good.

Horatio Cornblower

/tips hat

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You might even low-score the week in Gratuitous Simpsons References.

ballsofsteelandfury

STEVIE WONDER IS NOT BLIND! OPEN YOUR EYES LIKE HE CAN, SHEEPLE!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Stevie Wonder can see, in the sense that he’s not totally blind.

He has retinopathy of prematurity, which is a tangle of blood vessels that grows out of the retina when a premature infant is given too much oxygen during incubation.

He can likely see large shapes, movement, light, and shadow but no detail or color.

THE STEVIE WONDER CAN SEE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

No, I also hate the Stevie Wonder Christmas song commercial. I do not respond to aggressive salesmanship in any format. I have no idea what the ad is for, even though I’ve seen it about 50 times.

monty this seems strange to me

Yeah, I assumed we all hated that commercial. Ads tugging at the heartstrings make me more likely to Phillip Rivers than to Knowshon Moreno.

Horatio Cornblower

I change the channel when that ad comes on. I loathe it.

blaxabbath

Is that commercial aggressive? I thought the Ford Truck commercials were aggressive.

Hey! You! Yeah you (arrow points at me, truck runs it over)! You have a tiny dick (image of mannequin torso)! ::Begin electric guitar music:: If you had more towing capacity (“TOWING CAPACITY” in huge steel-riveted letters across the screen) and less queer-assity (Silhouette of two dudes banging) then maybe you’d be the #1 selling truck in America (Eagle swoops across screen). [Voice gets even louder] SO FUCK DRIVING ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A TRUCK! YOU’RE THE OPERATIONS MANAGER. GET THIS F-150 OF ENJOY OUR SMART GUY ENGINEERS, YEAH THOSE DWEEBS THAT WE USED TO PICK ON BECAUSE WE’RE COOL JOCKS, BANGING YOUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LOW YOU WILL BE FOR DRIVING SOMETHING THAT ISN’T FORD TOUGH!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I was feeling bad because I am more hammered than I should be and in two days I have to fly back east and spend the holidays with my mother, who had the decency to give birth to me. I no longer feel bad.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Those fucking commercials keep going on about this truck or that truck having the “best HD towing in its class,” and I react with two thoughts:

1) Doesn’t a “class” of trucks just amount to 1 model from each of about 4 different manufacturers? So you’re trumpeting the fact that you’ve got the best truck for a specific task among 3 competitors. And maybe your truck is the “best” by a fraction of a percentage point.

2) What the fuck is “HD towing?” High-definition? Hot dog? Hysterical documentaries? Hyper douchebags? Is there a “LD towing?” Fuck, why do I even care–it’s a goddamn pickup truck, and 99% of the people who drive pickup trucks are like my in-laws, who have built-in prejudices against/for certain brands, and your made-up stats and bought-and-paid-for awards (I’m lookin’ at you, Motor Trend) mean jack shit when dudes get “Ram Tough” tattoos or joke about how “Ford” means “Found on road, dead.”

Fuck commercials. Wasn’t my cable TV supposed to be commercial-free, and that’s why I pay for it? Oh wait, I don’t have cable. Fuck…

Beerguyrob

Things change for the dark when you picture the Stevie Wonder song over the Sarah MacLaughlin SPCA ad.

Doktor Zymm

I had a super fun time at the game, and spent the rest of the night giddy drunk. I stand by all my anti-pants comments.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

I feel for you. I think I love you.

scotchnaut

Uh, wrong thread.

Beerguyrob

Are you every woman?