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Remember how glorious Week 13 was? Well, this was pretty much the exact opposite. BOO THIS WEEK.
I will get the elephant in the room out of the way immediately. My Donks seemingly had things on cruise control, with the defense looking more dominant than ever, a 9-0 lead, and driving to end the half. Then Denver missed two pretty easy chances to cash in the TD, and settled for FG #4 from inside the 3-yard line. This would turn out to be meaningful in more than just fantasy, as Derek Carr directed one long, perfect drive, and made another picture perfect 3rd and 15 TD pass to secure the 15-12 upset, with the Broncos tripping over their dicks left and right whenever Oakland wasn’t punching them in the mouth. A gutty performance by one team, a shameful one by the other, and the right team won.
Making the P*ts day even better, Cincy shat itself at home as well, albeit with a better excuse, losing both Andy Dalton and Tyler Eifert to injury. Why the Bungles don’t just forfeit their home fixtures against the Stillers is beyond me. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS FOR YOU. Red Rocket has a broken right (i.e., passing) thumb, and although he is only confirmed out for next week, he is almost surely done for the regular season, at minimum. Yinzers coming on strong and fast.
As are the Chefs, who win yet again (if a bit shit this week). 10-3 at home against a gastrointestinally distressed King Laserface ain’t impressing nobody, but it’s a very typical Kansas City/Andy Reid kind of thing to do. Never try to figure this franchise/coach duo out, or expect consistent performance. The Bolts actually had the ball inside the 1 with 5 seconds left, only to get a delay of game after a fucking timeout before throwing incomplete outside the 5. Then, a false start before incomplete redux from the 10+ to end it. U-G-L-Y. Alibis completely absent.
Green Bay beat the shit out of Dallas, in the most dull and unimaginative way possible. This game was broadcast to the entire nation, with very little respite thanks to an unforgivable 11:2 early:late split.
I am likely the only person in the world who hates the Stevie Wonder Christmas song commercial. I mute the fucking tv (even on super quiet volume over the boring-assed Texans SNF as I type this shit up) every time it comes on.
Speaking of having the shit beat out of you…just wow, Falcons. Cam gets some highlights for his
Heisman MVP campaign, and we even get a Horse Balls sighting! Defense pitches a shutout, even with the entire second half consisting of garbage time.
Tampa Bay loses its hot run at the craps table, at home against…the Saints? REALLY? New Orleans pounded the rock almost 30 times with Tim Fucking Hightower, and it fucking worked. Football is really weird sometimes.
Shady McCoy’s much-hyped “revenge game” against Chip Kelly ends up perfectly middle-of-the-road, and the whole thing plays out as a close-but-not-good game between decent-but-not-good teams with meh QBs. In the end…23-20, Iggles. Back up to 6-7 for a season that had been left for dead, even by NFC East standards.
Who else is 6-7? THE REDACTEDS, that’s who! Our own Doktor Zymm gots to see a 24-21 win, thanks to timely defense and shitty placekicking. Back-to-back home losses to THE FLOW and Kirk Cousins? Thus ends the Bears’ brief flirtation with competence.
After losing Team of Destiny moniker, London’s beloved Jaguras put up 50+ on the Humps. Despite only managing 3 offensive points in the entire first half! Again, football is really fucking weird sometimes. Back down to 6-7 go the Humps, waiting for the Texans to lose and join them there.
I hope Tennessee at least brought K-Y to the Meadowlands with them, and/or the Jets took them to dinner last night.
In the first meeting of what will one day overshadow PeyPey/Dreamboat in epic QB rivalry series, THE BLOW bests THE FLOW 24-10. THE BLOW made finger guns when a facemask penalty took a SF safety off the board, which is the only play I really remember from this game. Opiates were involved and necessary today.
The Lions and Rams played today. Golden Taint and Todd Gurley (NAWT dead! Who knew??) each scored twice, I shit you not. But St. Louis also RAMMED IT! in once on defense, so they get to win.
In perhaps the biggest upset of the day, the Balmer Ratbirds scored! TWICE!!! Yes, Jimmeh “Emu” Clausen managed not one, but two FG drives into the teeth of the SeaTruther defense. He’s come a long way since he led the Bears into the Pacific Northwest in Week 3. Some people might focus on Charmslinger’s 5 TD passes, but one could see that coming a mile away, no?
I have paid VERY little attention to the first half of P*ts/Texans. Gronk just scored to ensure I will pay zero attention to the second half. FUCK THIS WEEK. We knew Satan would get his way in the end like always, but it would have been nice to hold onto the illusion of hope a little longer. I mean shit, could we not at least have finished Chaka Khan first ,, smgdh??