Gather round kids, Horatio has a Christmas story of joy for all of you.

As you may know, and since you all seem to be a bunch of worthless drunks, just like me, there’s a Vermont beer called Heady Topper that is supposed to be the SHIT. It’s hard as hell to get; they have a limited production capacity and they deliver on a strict schedule to a limited area and the beer sells out pretty much as quickly as they put it off the truck. Myself I suspect at least part of that reason is for marketing; if something’s impossible to get it becomes that much more desirable and/or legendary.

I was in Vermont this summer and couldn’t find it. I hit a couple of stores only to find I was a day or two off. Then I said “fuck it”, bought two six-packs of Ballast Point and went on my way.

But I was still frustrated. Heady Topper had become my white whale. Only a land whale, not some psychotic fucker like that one that took out the whaleship Essex and made the surviving crew members eat each other.

So Xmas Eve is at my house every year and my Dad and brother and brother-in-law and like to gather around and drink, mostly because we’re all related to my sister, and the discussion turns to what beers we like. Heady Topper comes up and is discussed and I expressed my desire to some day consume some.

Unknown to me my son knows that the father of his, (now ex; it’s a sad story), girlfriend has Vermont connections and in fact those connections are so good that he has 8, count them 8, Heady Toppers in a refrigerator 10 minutes from my house.

Dinner with the extended family ends, people leave, son says he’s got to go to the grocery store and disappears. It turns out that he texted the father, (who still wishes his daughter was going out with him), and tells him the story of me and Heady Topper and has dibs on one. Again, he’s 17. He drives over, gives the guy $5, (which is about $20 less than he could’ve gotten in CT), puts the beer in his trunk, (because he’s underage), drives home and now what has two thumbs and is going to have his first Heady Topper on Xmas?

THIS GUY!

God bless us every one.

(I’m gonna drive over to that guy’s house tonight and steal the other 7)