Football’s Rasputin: The Jeff Fisher Mystery

Jeff Fisher, with records of 7-8-1, 7-9, 6-10, and now 7-9 will apparently be back to coach the St. Louis/Los Angeles/San Antonio/London/Kalamazoo/Wall Walla/Cucoumonga Rams next season. To put this into perspective, only two (count them:2!) coaches in NFL history have ever coached a game in a fifth season after starting out with four consecutive losing seasons. Those storied names? Dave Shula, who, of course, steered the Bengals to 5-11, 3-13, 3-13 and 7-9 records before getting canned before week 8 of the next season after starting 1-6 was the most recent, fired in 1996 (you do the math, I have the flu). Lou Saban ran the Broncos into the ground with 3-11, 5-9, 5-8-1 and 5-8-1 records before he resigned at 2-6-1 in 1971. So, why, oh, why is Fisher getting a free pass? I mean, it’s not as if there is a verifiable track record of teams getting better in the fifth year of their coach’s tenure. Fisher hasn’t had a winning season since 2008 and hasn’t had even a .500 record since 2009. He’s not a mediocre coach, he’s a below average one. So, I posit another theory. Jeff Fisher is Rasputin, the “Mad Monk” of Russia.

A little bit of history. I know that the readership here is, with the notable exceptions of Old School Zero and Rikki Tikki Deadly, very smart. However, some of you young scamps may not know who Grigori Rasputin was (is? He was a tricky bastard and may be a wizard) so I thought I’d give that background. Rasputin was a peasant and a “mystic” that charmed his way into the court of the last Tsar, Nicholas II. He was said to be able to heal the young Tsarevich (son of the Tsar) Alexei, who is believed to have suffered from hemophilia, solely through prayer. This, and his air of calm intelligence, gained him access to the inner circle of Russian nobility, and the enmity of the rest of the Russian ruling class. Rasputin was eventually killed in the Russian Revolution, but it allegedly took being poisoned, stabbed, shot and drowned to kill this motherfucker. These unkillable qualities, along with Rasputin’s apparent mesemeric (or bullshitting) abilities, lead me to believe that Jeff Fisher is, in fact, Grigori Rasputin. Look at the eyes! Imaging that pic of old ‘Sputin with some Oakley Blades on!

While this is no Law and Order or NCIS: New Orleans level investigation, I feel that the visual evidence presented, as well as the fact that Jeff Fisher is still employed despite all evidence that he should not be, proves my point, that cough syrup, when taken in the right doses, gives you weird ideas and green poops.