A Friendly Wager

Operator: Charlottesville Telephone Operator Extension 035115, how may I direct your call?….I see, yes sir, one moment please….(Phone Clicks)…Alright, you are connected to the video conference line to the Governor’s Office.

Governor Doug Doucey (R-AZ): Pat? You there? This thing working Pat? Dang interns setting these things up. I have no idea how in the world —
Governor Pat McCrory (R-NC): DOUGLAS! Good afternoon, sir! How are you doing, you old hooker-kisser!?

Doucey: (Groans) That was one time and my wife was out of town, Pat.

McCrory: Fuck it! Whatever! It ain’t like you licked his asshole too!  (Chokes on laughter, bends over out of screen, long nasally inhalation sound, returns to screen rubbing his nose then his lower gums). 

Doucey: Yes well, Pat, I don’t mean to eat up your whole afternoon but the local news is pestering me about a wager on this Sunday’s Panthers-Cardinals game. Standard PR rubbish, you know.

McCrory: Wager?! WAGER?! You ain’t got no fucking money, boy! I mean, holy mother of hell, you fund schools less than us — and we’re basically fucking last! (Laughs and looks back to oil painting of his pappy’s hunting dog, Hunter, for approval). Besides, what could you have that I would want? Cactuses? Mexercans? Fucking killer gila monsters? You want to send me a fucking monster, Dougie?

Ducey: Well, I had wagered with Scott Walker to send him some fresh jalapeños, Kilt Lifter beer from a local craft brewery-turned-AB-InBev acquisition, and some Cold Stone ice cream from the franchise in which I cut my teeth as CEO in the private sector, if the Packers won. Also, the plural form is cacti. Anyways, I figured I would roll that over with some of Walker’s shitty government cheese and we could — hey, where did you go? (Leans forward then jumps back startled at image slammed against screen)
McCrory: You see this thing, Douchey?! It’s a fucking MONSTER! Why would I want a monster? You must be dumb as that goddamn Obama.

Ducey: I don’t think that is a gila monster, Pat.

McCrory: Like you’d have any idea, ice cream man. Sending out a fleet of trucks to play music so you can diddle little kids. Monsters and kid diddlin’, why the hell would I want to be associated with you and that over-the-hill quarterback of yours?

Ducey: Come on, Pat. You know I don’t really follow the sports teams here. I’m just trying to throw a bone to the base to get them out to vote against Hillary this November.

McCrory: Oh yeah, Hillary. I guess we do need to make sure we stop her. The last thing this team needs is another Benghazi. Have you heard about this Benghazi emails?!

Ducey: Yeah, Pat, I’ve heard. Look, what did you wager with Governor Insell before the Seahawks game? We’ll just roll that over.

McCrory: Like I even fucking know. Fucking caramel corn or some shit. I was like, how about some of that kind bud? They countered with something about throwing some fish at me and then the talks just pretty much deteriorated.

Ducey: I had our office look into what you wagered and my staffers —

McCrory: They white?

Ducey: What? Yes. Well, no. I mean, my staffers are all white but we have the Mexicans do the research; it takes lifting heavy stuff or whatever, maybe using a shovel if they are digging up facts, I guess?

McCrory: Those sound good. Send me one of those — a hot lady one like on Modern Family, if you got that kind there — when Cam goes off for 175 yards on the ground. I’ll tell you what, doing it the right way or not, all that boy does is win. Really looking forward to presenting Greg Olsen with the key to the state when they win it all.

Ducey: Governor, I have some prison lobbyists here to take me to a massage parlor so if we could wrap this up.

McCrory: A massage parlor with little Vietnamese boys who kiss on the mouth?

Ducey: (Sighs) Fine. Yes — it’s the massage parlor John McCain starts every day with. Now can we wrap this up? Pat? Where did you go? Are you looking at dinosaurs again?

McCrory: There we go! Send me her! Don’t worry about the accent either. I can barely understand half the shit these protesters are saying anyways.

Ducey: Looks, I’ll just leave this to my staff to set up the details. I appreciate your time and will you see you at the convention this summer, I guess.

McCrory: Wait! With the Cold Stone ice cream, does the bet include mix-ins? I like the crushed Butterfingers and Orea crumbles.

Ducey: First topping is free, additional mix-ins are seventy-five cents each….(Silence on the line as McCrory stares motionless from the videophone screen)…Damn it, did this thing freeze again?

McCrory: Seventy-five cents for a fun-size Butterfinger? Fuck that — we are going to wipe the fucking floor with you unborder-securing pansies. See me at the convention this summer? More like see you in hell. Which is what Bank of America Stadium will be for the cocky Bruce Arians and his ilk this Sunday. I look forward to slaying your monster and eating your cactuses. McCrory out.

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blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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[…] dunno, give a go at being a leader of a sports team. Or even when they really show their fandom and governors make little wagers between each other on playoff games where their bets are just gift baskets that showcase their home […]

JerBear50

The moment I read ” Mexercans,” the rest of the interview was read in Early Cuyler/Unknown Hinson’s voice. Wheeewwwww!

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YuQ6A9pt7C+6rno70jwqrfGda8qznEAqLqz5QouBu3VlMVtE4lzLmVi1vZtYcgBwpuNbkAnLcgEncO81psxzQG+6QDES4SJoVJEzO8xXI1hK4yo/HiN1SelYOFwXUoVUxpHCXIuR1pYyC/C4ArA4tRDIywTsygizoWUMRY3t3Gpi9I8ToHfrB1iynrAGLFRYBjxFqyeCVcdAJ0nxomxDMpBRQsakbrIoGndvqmnayk8gfXhUjESFmLkAZiWsBZdT9XuqV0dwAxOMw8HBnDt9yPtHyuAPOuhVDGB7Z0cwPUYSCK1ikaKR32199N9K9ofN8HiJb2KRMR94iy28yKthWJ+V3FZMAFH97NGnkMzn+ivn5S3SbNEjxjDxtIY1bUu2Z/6m/XfWsGhrP7JGae9vZQ/6iLfA1elu0B41jM7Mj6Xofjbd50WZmuf1pahXhfv3Ug3m3fWRiTYUzgniDw31MxUxULc3vvuczfktRcJh2ddDax11tUaUWIHjTskcxEgJuL+ddfvHrTZYHu/GhpAM2pojU+FOsaAjf4UxoW+6qTa2z5BOs8K576OgIBta1xfwHpV0wrhVxltdiasp+un4YR7cbugPkONHLiHt2MPMx5NlQDzvVkRRIK08otpTdZiuGEt4yqB7qGfB4qTR8Nhjb7chJ8jvq7trbw91HcC5o834FtK3oz0QTEdd1zvhyjKqiEiRD2bm+e/MVct8nMHDHTecKflVt0RA+bqcy5pC0hGZc3aOnZv9kCrq9bWznlKmYdvk6F9Mbp3xa1Gx3yezKPoMTFIeKupj9DXoIpKLI3s8axnR3ExE9bhpVI+tGCy+IZKiR7RkU2V0k/hkOVvXT317irEbiRTGKwUUn7SKJ7/AGkUn131pHK10UpHk0W1Et2w0Z7xmX+YVedHoopZl6xozCLtIxbs5BvtY3vyFaXFdDcDINIerPOJip9NRWd2j8nTr2sLiLka2kARj3Z17J8xXRHVyqmNSLLpvjsNLLGcKv0YiUBrkCwv2er+qR+NW/yRbGDSzYxr3S+HTlY5WY+NxavNscuNw1+vhsODMNPHOhI9a9V+Tzpjs5IIsKsjRSWNxMLZnJux6wdk3Jp5M68e1FI9Fryz5bMZY4aPgvWSkeACD+o16ncb+B3f+a8O+UDayzbTYkXjw1ltz6sZ39XKivOS5NodlL0djIDMb3dxv7l3eVW7e14a1C2Zj0cAEhJCWcowykZixst9CNQKsUgYsdDWc4uzTdu5HoIWa1h/4pwxgXIPH8KrDthVJWLNK40ZY7HL4sdKdweIEgzre19Qd4OoIIqHBpWK+Ses5ubaXt8KEMf1301h2G831p6W4tprxqABC3I8/hTvVjn7qZY7q7MedIBm1JbWlFI2+qEI1CDpSk0I/CgYprjupTvPhQjd6UAcT2vX4CmcYGbJEgu0zhPBT7beQp5Rc+Zqw6NjNiW/5cXvkbT3IavGrZM3SLXD9GsG+JgiMKRh1lRXjGV1cKpRg32hY1Kw7SRSvhcQfpY/YY2HXR8JBwvz767ajlEEyjtwMsy2/hPaHmpYVtNtbHh2hAjZipsJIZU9pCQCCDxHMV2LlHIuTL1wqBimxGEOXHKApNlxEYJiPLreMbH01qajggFSCDuIIIPgRUtEuIVdUPFbUjRsnbd/sQxtKwvuzZdEv32qVhtl7QntkhTCpxac9bL/AJYk7I8zTUbBJnM4CliQqjezGyjzNV8GNmxThMBGsy/XxDgiBO5Rp1p8DatXs/oJAGD4l5MU41HXEZF+7EOyK0j9XGh1VFUHXRQo58hVqFFqJ5z0j2HiMLB1gx8jysyxpEY4lgZmO5ky3K2vrfhWVXYmBxRMWIwhw2J3ssRZVNvrodUINW2xI5pGLy4l8TFG79Q7ixbNve3EDcDV8GqXL0JsoNkbHxeBH9ixzsBugxKh4z3Ai2XyrFYrrI5HfGxmKSWUG9syFbtI+Qi+mYIPAV6lWZ6U3E8Jv9SX17FTZUJOzFyTOY5Xfq50zfRggMAN2oGooTHGJIk+bsOsW5ytIANN2W9rVdT7Ohc5mTtW1KkqT42ppNkpbR5gOQkNvXfSWZfJv42Vs6vkCumRg/0KIbZrXAzgfV4mrzB4cRKF3kWJP2mJuT60mGwEUVyikMRqxJZvU1JmOl9+nwrHJl3cIqMaOtw/W+pDG/C9qYvr408sgXWwPjWBQgAuLmlyjnTE7XYkd1FmoAAHUiuvSgULaGqELbWgPDwombXyNIN6+FAxCdT5ClWhff5j4UdqQAr+dXXRJP2785AvkiD8SaocVLlQneRuHMnQDzJFa/YeB6mBIz7QF2PN21b3mtsS+THLLgnW/RpnBY3GYJLYZUxEF7rC5KSR3+rHJuZeQO6qHpV0ygwXYIMk1vYGgXlnbh4Vh9j9Nc2JklxMuIiRxp1GV2GuiDrNFXvGtdMUznimel9JdtY/HwmD5m+DBsWlklWygG5uq+0tuFQ4kTArdpTK07DLHGqIjMbXMKD2V4kmvG9t7WeWWRlmmZGLAdY3aKEmwYDTdTu2NtxTRRJHhUhaMWaRWdmfQDUk6c6urNKs9lxWFwccgJf5vK92DRSmJmPNipysR3irbD4/aMYHV4rD4hOHXoVe3/UiOU+lfPUmxMSIUnaJhE5sjm1j4XNXPQ6cwzqJ55oYDcsYjmIYA5Tk1uL0VQKLPdH27tQjQ4FO+8r+g0qsxWCknIOMxDYi2vVgCPD34fRjVv8AMTWX/wD6DBFMYpX61BbLiIlsGBH10O4jjar/AGJ0igxRYRMLqSBcrdh9pVve1S7Jkmi2/XL0FdXV1ZmfJ1ZzpklhA/KQoT99DYHzWtHUPa2AE8LxE2LDsn7LDVW8jQOL5MkBTsK1Fw4cZkk/aRtkfxtcMO4gg+dWEEdhrxrlmqZ3RlaI7/hQzA28j+FOTAd9N4jh51JQSC5XW2hp0LTK8PCpAa3pSEyPJxo8tA+7xpnrjTAkXoJP161HG0oP38X89HDMZjkw69cx4rcRqObyEWA8NatQZG9CynTyNGp3eFWMHReRtZ8Tl/gw6gAeMj6mpK9E04YjFfzKfflq1jJeVFI5sLkhRfexsPU1GO0AWyQpJO+60S5l/wAz7gK1uG6MYaM5mjMjfaxD5/RWIA9Kk4jaeGgAVp4IhwUMo/0pVrGiHlZVbJ6PEFZMSQWUhkiU/RoeBY73f3CoXSLpY4lGGwagyMchlf2VJ07IG8i++tPg8fFKCYZo5LcUYNa+6430zs3Zqw5mJzyuSXkYC57gPqjuFWuDFu3bMps/5NoQxfFyvPI2rZSVW539reatR0D2b/hj5ySfnWjrqrcwbZnB0E2b/hv/AHJPzp+HoZs9d2EQ/eLt8TV5S0bmLcyq/wD1vBAADCQ6brhjbwBNhRt0fwZFjhILfcHxqxpam2Ck0ZjH9AsBKNImiPON2t/Ibisbt/oHPgrYjCSNIEN9B9Kh52GhFes116pSY9zMBsXp+7mNJ48jbpOza990gvuF94rf2qDtjApMhzLEXsQhkIUAkEe157qkYZQqqudCVAHtrrYWvvpPkT5HqSiCE7hfwIPwoaQuij6SbKLXxEWkiL2l4SIoJsf4hwNVyMMqsOKgjzrWkXFjuOlZPamyJMMgeN3lhXRoyoLRr9pCurKOIOtqicdyNceTaMsQSe6mZeFO4V1cXR1YH7LA+7fTU++3I1zuLR1JpjkXD0pSd/hTSmwHjRtSKYh+rTXU07em81AFu+3pdwwC3t9aSLKPRb2qHNtfGOLCWKAcoUDn+Zxb3UxYXoZDurXyMx2IJsdjOOOl8o4R78tNsZH0kxOJcf8AUyD/AEAUXH9d9A8iqCzEKvM8+Q5nuoU2ytqGH2XDcXjDa73Z3/qNdsnCiV2jwcaKV/aSZAI0Hdxc91WWA2PJibGQNDDvs3ZlkHLLvjXvOta2CFUUIihVGgVRYCtEn8mU5pdFZsro/DA3WDM8xFmkY2uOQReyBVuK4Cs9tHpJZimGRZSDZpWJEKHkCP2jDkNNKsxVs0QUkXtoOO4eppuOQMLqQRzGo5VgMdBJOyJJNJJJK2QdooijexWNLCwHO/Ct3gcIkMaxRiyoAoHhx8aQ5Kh6uqo21tdopsNDGATM9mJFwqAgG3eSauKZJ1dWO2Vt7Exi0qfOQCw0IjmUqxBWx7L7u6tBs7bUE5CpIA/7t+xIOYytv8qB7WT3cDVmCjdcm2tEwt4cxqPWqzb+xkxUXVsbEHMpIuAw+0vEVkYI58K/VCWSBwL2Qh4ZB9qNZL6cwNRQCRusdg4pkMcqLIh3qwv5jke+shiegwjJOHjhlTf1UoPWDuSbiO41MwvSaZP/AFEYlX95CCrjxhOh/wApq0h6S4Nv+JjU8pM0R8DmGhosrY0YWVIImtJDLhmHEZ0AP30a1aLCY/FqBlxEcqcBMgJt3SpYnzrWBw63DLIh4grIv4iqLG9HADnwhETbzESepfu/5Z7xpSZSl7QK9I2it85gyLu6yJ86DvZW7QFaBToGU3B1BGoI8axGJxJRurnjMLnSz6xvf7EnssO7fQYSAxkiGaaAco2BW/3HBA8qndXZTxqS4NTi9hYSUkvhoyx3sAUbxDLaxqrxXRZh/wCmnIH7ue7qfuy+0vneoDT4n/H4nTug/wDpTke2Mao/bxSDlLDZj4uh/Cnui/kFjkivx8jQMIsSnVMdVN80bj+F+fcakKdPPfU9+kTMuSfAiUE7o5EZf5JACKpcS8YBbDYfFQ8eqdUlib7pD5o/hUuCZalJdkoCms3dQYOeRh24WjPeVIPhbWnurrFqjVMdYUJHwogaaytJIIYT9I3tHeI14u34DiaIxbIbo5c7y9TCFaUjMcxsqL9tzy5DjWj2Z0fiiId/ppR9d/ZU/wDLj3L476nbL2SkCZY0OurO3tOebufhupraG2cPD7cqltwSMiSQnkEXWuhRSMJSb6LC/GmsXiEiQyysEjG9m0HlzNZ2bpDO+kUCw3+vM3WP5RLoD4mqySEuQ00jzsNR1hGUHmsY7IockiVjbJO0dqviuyuaPDkbvZkmHNjvRO4amo6RhRYAADcBoB4CnLU3KbWN7C+tYym2dEYpE/o6gbEsf3cQt3F2P4JWi2hjUgjMkhsq+pJ3Ko4kmqTovGEjlxUhyrJYi+lokBsx8bk+lVmKxjYlxI4IRT9Ch4D9444seHKtk9q5MZLdIi4zEyuxxMgAdWVkUfVjRswX7xF71vIpQyq43MAw8CLj41i5Bffxq06K4oqWwxNwozxX+wdCn+U+41MMlscsfBWTx5Z8QnASlh4OA/xJoJ4lcAOM1tRzB5qw1BqXtdbYqXvWM+4j8KYAqMnZePlEnA7Zmh0cNiIxxuOvQfCQe+rSPE4TaKNGr5iuuUjJNGeDAHUVQyHQ1HaIMFcErIB2ZE7Ljz4juOlOOT2N47CxkEkDrFMQS1urkX2ZADr91xxFOQarZtbi5uAfjVhhMauJAwuNALntRyJ2c5HEfYlHLjULEYeTDERzAspNkntZWvuWT7D+41Uo2rQRlXDAw+BVTnjJhe1w0Ry3P8Sey3mKtYOkTxi2JjLr++hX/wCSLh4iorDTdamXbfY1gsjT5NJQTNJgsdhsajJGyTL9aMjUeKHUeIqkx+wpYCWgDSxDUxE3lS28oT7a9x1qrkwqMcxBzcGQmN/5lten458QPZxuKW3DOje9lJrdTi1yZeNrobwmMSTMUYNbeNzL3Mp3V0v69ai4jASNJ1oxUgk3FmSI5hyfKBmp2PrN0mQnmlwDu1IO7wrOSXaNIj34D8K5Ru8KCU2v4U6OFRZQhNLQtTeegQ3icPiCCEnRQd30WoH3r76lYSbERp1cckUK8eqi+kPMmVzcnvIohvoqtTa6E1ZHlwofWR5Ze6SRiP5QQKcgw6J7CIn3VAPrvpwmnMFAZGCgi50FzYeFRLJStvgFBDQpasDsWQMFLRgtewzamwBNtORojsWTNkzR5iCbZtbA5b2tzrm+rw/6Rp45eiuFRsThWmkhhXc79v8A6a2zet7VbfNUifLO2pyABDc3d1QXuNPavSQGPtT4aTM6iWFY3KoettdiGNs2UITlA3A61pDUwUlfXv4JcJV+QOkGL61/m8ekUVhJbczADLF4DefIVFtUrDbCkRRmK3YF2ZmsSbZmZu/W9ODZj9nVe0xQdoWuCRa/ippz1WJviSJjikl0V7V0Mximhl4BsjfdkGX4kGpqbLbTtISzgLZgQQQ7XuNwsjeho5tiZrI0qguxSykFhZRIGF+NrHXdoaharFF/2LeOT4oZ2yP7VJ9yP4NTAqbjoTJNmtkJhhuHIPaLvGLOvZbW248abXAtkZ8yBV0Y5xobkZT36VpPUY3TsiOOS4IEh0NLGvZHhU1tmOUV7qA5AUFhdswNiO7sn0NOQ7Ka3tx62A7YsbgkEd1gfQ1m9Rj9mqhL0QJYQy5T3EEaEEbiDwNTk2zIEMWLh66MizSR6sRzeH8QaKHBXQuHQgZh7X2Rc28taktsxowzyMqZVLanXQrp/qHqBxp/Vwg6bJeJy+CjikAIRJOtjPaikvfMo3o3EOvI8KeVaWfo2kmWRD1TE5gY3ynU5c5TcQSQL8anjZbgNdksiks+ZbdkEm9uNlPpTyajD7FGEiskoI9/mamLgGdQylCGAYdoDsm9n+7odaOHZb6m6WGubOtiLZrg8suvlS8+NdyK2yIjU2/PxqaMCzMy3UFN+ZgBqQBY+Y9abmwDDip9gWBv+0Byetj6U/NC6sW1kSbd6UYp7GiIBVTrGdpzhxuKllUMSLC9rX9DUnDQ4d5HjDyExSLC5sApdr+w1uBUi3hrUPURSvn9FbGVzjfQ10cgcFlDBWLZcwsSASL9+6lymt1yZkm1ADWLpK28SJs2oosPIVYMN6kEeIsaxArhQ8KfDCzXYY4jro5ZJQxh67Jddxmcte55A29BQwxYkEu0wMgwvzZHtqtwbvfffcb79Kyg411LwQ9L9D3M2OHaZZWmcxSSHJYsm4IgAHeMwvbz31FwE2KVdY8MGaWSVgYzYGRSnZAOlwWv3HvrMUho8EH2kLczWmTFEAM0DARGOzRkgllEZZte12RbW5tcU/h8VOnUrlhaOLIcgUq10zWCPrYa8t1xxrGVxpPT42qpD3y9mqwuPxVriLDxAGyxlcxVB1oAzqbXyykac2PdRw4nGrmKyQguwY3jzLbqxEV1sbEKu88N9ZClFD02P/K/Qb5ey/dMWhVo+oygIhhVPo+zJ1gdVPstm1/VqnTyYlozFkwZR3MjqYiQxLZrkX33J1rInjRVUsMHVpBuaNrjtrzt1KDDgdSUKuHGQWDI1kyg2sdxPcOdN4fDz2kbNErNEsKBU+jUKGGbIdxOYjThWPFOCojpscFUUNzb7Nh1UiRpFDHhgiBh20JJzpkY6c7m/OhzYstnM0dxEUA6u4LMI7u9/aN41ObfoOWuRoaPBDtpBvZsM+IAQf2fshVv1ZuFVxJlTXRbqOz/AAjfuoWxsscEsJw6SGd5WfqyI1+kB9oEXNieBHfWRNCaT02N9r8hvkatcTiLJlEMYChLZMxCC56vNuKakZaIzYoJly4SxGXKYmyheq6rKBfdbS3LTvrH0bVX08PSDc/ZqcRPiXWZSuF+mUIbRtusBcjieyNe4cq5p5kCiMQAKIgM0ZJBivks3dmNuVZOgk/Kn4IVVC3M18OIxESRJGIDkLSFnQluse4Z1a+h7R1o8NjMWMt2gJDdYSYrF5AujPbQnNrfv561jjwohS+nxvtL9D3v2ayJpiV6wxBUQqqxKUXVixOU8dak5axX699FVeJfBLZ//9k=

Warthog

I’m a NC resident and I endorse this portrayal of our governor. I’m guessing he would too.

Old School Zero

Jerry Richardson is willing to wager two of his finest lawn jockeys against two of Joe Arpaio’s pink-clad desert slaves.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Arpaio will not make that bet. He would not wish to lose the income.

King Hippo

That is ALL TOO ACCURATE McCrory.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Hehehe…Douchey….

Don T

They white?
Too good, too good. Also, the NC Gov and his dog reminded me of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHWL27LXMjM

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The fact that his hunting dog was named Hunter is what got me.

nomonkeyfun

I’m surprised it isn’t one of these, because… you know.
http://science-lakes.com/images/black-and-tan-coonhound/black-and-tan-coonhound3.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Mexercans?

/dying