The best players in the NFL who aren’t playing in the Super Bowl, aren’t injured or at least aren’t pretending to be injured because they’ve already been to Hawaii and don’t feel like playing a 17th game of football this season, are at the Aloha Bowl in Hawaii tonight at 7 pm EST. ESPN will show the game because they are contractually obligated to. Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders picked teams who will try to play professional football without hurting anyone. It will not work and the most entertaining aspect of the game will be checking out what uniform abominations we have this year and seeing if maybe Irvin will have a cocaine relapse on the sideline.
Your other options this evening are literally anything else. Take the family out and set a foundation of goodwill for next Sunday, when you ignore them all day while watching the Superb Owl.
THIS PRO BOWL I CALL IT A ‘TIJUANA DONKEY SHOW’ BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW ANYONE WHO’S WATCHED AN ENTIRE GAME AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS!
Just saw the conclusion of ‘Grease Live’; I notice that they’ve allowed Negroes into Rydell High. Do you suppose the President ordered the National Guard to escort them in while Jerry Brown stood in front of the entrance?
Thanks Obama!
NO
It’s just now over? “All deliberate speed” indeed.
I see the Pro Bowl is its usual sell-out crowd.
HAR
Best gift you’ll ever give yourself or anyone who smokes:
http://www.stogiereview.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Xikar-Logo-Black-660×440-480×330.jpg
Every product they make carries a lifetime guarantee.
Specifically, the guarantee of drastically reducing it!
Not for us wacky schmokers!
“And the Pro Bowl MVP is… the fuck? John Scott?“
I’d mark out so hard.
My son, tonight: “There’s no better feeling then eating until you’re full to the point of being violently ill and then doing nothing but watch football.”
Then he saw it was the Pro Bowl and went to bed.
You’ve failed that child.
Hang your head in shame.
Jesus the only check you’re going to see at the NHL All-Star Game is a one written by a fat guy buying his kids commemorative jerseys.
Not fit.
reminder for those who it isn’t too late to reach…NEVAR HAVE CHILLUNS
/three teenagers in epic form
//suicide looks even more tempting than usual
Thinking of scheduling my snip this March. I’m finally old enough that I can expect the doctor won’t look askance at the request.
Great choice. Plus, happy pills FOAR March Madness!
After my second was born the snipping was the greatest decision I ever made.
Fuck it all and fucking no regrets.
What Yeah Right said. Right after our second was born I went and got snipped. Best decision EVAR.
I don’t have any kids. I don’t want any, I’ve never imagined I would, and I can’t imagine I ever will. Now seems like the time.
I had two kids by 23 and Planned Parenthood was all “you want to get snipped? It’s free.” I was signing the papers as soon as I heard the word free.
Naturally sterile! Good, good times.
Pey Pey hasn’t told Eli his decision yet, but he did read him a bedtime story last night.
You know it’s a Pro Bowl when Delanie Walker is the fastest man on the field.
Folks – Is the NFL Xperience/Superbowl City worth a trip? I live about a hour ana half Noreast of the Embarcadero in SF. Given that driving to the city is a pain in the ass in normal circumstances, should I undertake the journey to go there? I’ve never lived anywhere close enough to a Superbowl to consider this.
Is it worth the trip/hassle?
.
I would avoid it like the plague, but I may be in the minority.
Thank you, sir.
I just realized I’m watching a rerun of the NHL All-Star Game.
I had no idea.
Yargh, thar be spoilers down below.
That’s how I realized it. Not a big deal.
SO MANY BALLS
Very early this morning my phone rang. My contact asked me to come to the factory immediately and that a car will be on the street to grab me. I usually walk. So I expect its something bad.
Turns out that the translator left for Tokyo and one of our customers is flipping out. So I sit in the phone meeting and listen to the US guys basically insult my supervisor. I finally lean over, hit the mute and ask if Tanaka-san trusts me. He nods yes.
“Alright gentlemen. First of all, we speak English over here. So the slurs stop now. Second, we sold you two motors with the assurance they would both last 6 years. The first motor last 9 years, the second last 8 and a half. You took it upon yourself to get the motors serviced on your own. Now the motors have failed after three months. This was against our technical advice”
“Wait…who are we talking to”
“FOCUS! You chose to instead of spending $100k USD for 6 years of uninterrupted service to go to a fly by night motor shop. We cannot fix what you chose to destroy. What are you paying this shop? Is it less than what we would cost?”
“$100k for a motor rewind is insane. We aren’t paying THAT!”
“You are incurring an unplanned shutdown every three months. That is four months a year. 24 unplanned stoppages for this site. Those stoppages are costing you MUCH MORE than $100k. By my estimate, each shutdown affects you to the tune of $400k. Why do you run your mill like this?”
“Okay…who is this?”
“JSD-san”
“There is no way I am authorizing $100k for a single motor rewind”
“I know Bill-San (I actually have met this guy before as I have been to their site for work). As shift manager (he was bullshitting Tanaka-san that he was the head of production), you aren’t authorized to spend any money. When you gentlemen get together with people that can actually make decisions for your facility, feel free to contact us again. Until then, we cannot help you”
“ITS YOUR MOTOR!”
“No Bill-San. It stopped being our motor when your company decided to rip it apart and destroy it. Call us when you are ready to approach this problem like adults”
I then hung up. Tanaka-san was frantically trying to follow the conversation and when I hung up, he got wide eyed. I told them they will call back soon and be in a better mood.
15 minutes later, they called up and informed us a PO was on the way for both motors to be rebuilt at our Nagasaki facility. I then slept in the factory prior to the start of the workday. Now…they REALLY don’t want me to leave.
The best part of my job is when I get to piss off assholes.
Nicely done! Drinks at Jimmy’s!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v74/Nickasinsaltlick/image_zpsonesiv4n.gif
Fuckin’ great.
God I dream of calls like that.
Vince Gill and his daughter are singing the National Anthem for the NHL Game.
Vince has not been skipping any meals lately.
Holy shit I think his daughter is wearing Hanson Bros. glasses! That’s awesome.
I spent basically every musical interlude trying to not vomit. I hate Nashville so much. The great Kofi Kingston put it best: “No more country music, honestly. Let’s be serious, though, ’cause country music sucks. I mean, it really sucks. It SUCKS, okay. And this is, honestly, this is me saying this. Not my character. Country music suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. Awful.”
When you try Bobby Wagner with a sorry wide receiver like Richard Sherman, that’s the result you’re gonna get.
Someone’s trying to promote their #brand…
We can’t all have the built-in boost that comes with having snagged @snarkandaddison.
Hey, not everyone can be @steelerballs!
I HAVE 23 WHOLE FOLLOWS THAT MEANS I’M MINORLY RELEVANT.
Remind me to #FF you this week, for all the good my recommendation does.
I’ve got a friend starting a business. She could use the makeitsnow bump!
Shit. The secret is out that no one gives a shit about the pro bowl, so the lady has requisitioned the remote and out Grease Live on our tv. Pray for me.
The number one benefit of cord-cutting so far is that I didn’t know this existed.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
AC Slater is in this for some reason.
It’s on at our house as well, but I have commandeered the big TV. For the NHL All-Star Game, which by the looks of the introduction is going to start by breakfast tomorrow.
Baltika Brew Collection Russian Imperial Stout. I think this is the first time I’ve had a Russian imperial stout that was actually from Russia.
You’re the Worst just had a scene with two female characters consciously trying to pass the Bechdel test.
This is great.
They gave up when all they could talk about instead was macabre murders.
Then upon researching a list of ideas online, it was all BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI.
Just got back from the great Staples Center adventure. Tried the Metro the whole way. Not too bad apart from the train having to stop on the way home at the Slauson station because the previous train ran over somebody. The Slauson station is just north of Watts in the middle of South Central.
We had to ride back north a few exits only to get out and Uber all the way back home.
I may not use the Metro again.
Saw some very “enlightening” parts of the city though.
Try the Northeast Corridor.
It’s nothing but endless, endless miles of post-industrial effluvium from Portland to D.C.
Mistake #1 was taking the Blue Line. Unfortunately, that’s the only way to get to Staples from your neck of the woods.
The train experience wasn’t that bad until but holy shit that is some hard ass blight we went through. Some of the areas still had sections that haven’t rebuilt from the riots.
THE 1992 RIOTS!
Not to mention I’ve been writing and compiling a new post that I should be able to get online tomorrow. I started it yesterday and once everyone sees it, they will know what the entire weekend was composed of.
Enlightening indeed!
Nice! I’m looking forward to reading it.
Yeah, there are some areas that are….forgotten.
The most stark thing here in Nagasaki is how their heavy industrial area is fully occupied. I had to work until like 3am the other day. So I walked to local Lawsons (sort of like a 7-11 here). The idea of walking around an industrial area like that in the US would be insane.
Fuck the factory just has a fence. No barbwire. They have one guard sitting at a desk just to check ID’s and give directions. During the day, you see children walking past the factory all day long. Its crazy.
Also, everything runs on time here.
Some night when ol’ Uncle Sill gets into the ergot he’ll have to tell you how and why the special sensory apparatus in your face and neck is so closely wired up to the special sensory apparatus in your pelvic floor.
This appeals to my interests.
KEGEL
In keeping with the theme of this Pro Bowl, here’s Chris Berman to present the third-string halftime show.
The Pro Bowl do not deserve 257 (now 258) comments.
I hate to repeat myself, but:
http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/65627838.jpg
I just watched a scene where a woman microwaved a jizz-filled condom until it exploded and then tried to turkey baster it into her vagina while still hot.
…What the fuck?
I mean, I didn’t literally see the act, but the scene depicted it nevertheless.
You’re The Worst, baby! I’m surprised you started with Season 2. Season 1 is really good.
I can’t stream season one unless I have Hulu which I do not have.
Hold me closer, Tiny Darren.
Never forget: People in charge of things are awful. https://twitter.com/NHL/status/693967755754733568
I think that’s as hypocritical as it is awful.
I’m happy for John Scott, that’s for sure.
If the NHL being awful hypocrites results in that formerly anonymous grinder meeting with some amount of fame and fortune, I’m OK with that.
The whole thing really required the NHL and Bettman to be complete douchebags and try to fuck with a man for no reason but their own displeasure in how a popularity poll ended. They really embraced that role to make this happen.
Hooray for the NHL and Bettman being wrestling-like heels instead of the regular worst?
Pyrrhic.
When the net douchebaggery is outweighed by the benefit to a guy who might now be able to escape the NHL’s continued and baffling commitment to Stone Age Code Red bullshit instead of proper policing of stick-related fouls, I’d say we all won just a little bit.
Every McDonalds commercial:
Director: Can you act black?
Actor: Girl…
Director: Blacker.
Actor: Giiiiirl…
Director: Blacker!
Actor: Guuuuuuurrrrrrrllllllll!
The NHL may have just had the best all-star game(s) of all-time and you people are watching the Pro Bowl.
False. I am watching FXX’s dark humor and cynicism,
I WAS DVRing it and I WAS going to watch it later until SOME people went and RUINED IT FOR THE REST OF US
You didn’t say anything!
I WAS COUNTING ON A LITTLE THING CALLED THE SOCIAL CONTRACT
I’m enjoying You’re the Worst.
I’m thinking of watching Man Seeking Woman next.
Man Seeking Woman is great. And I used to know Britt Lower, who plays Jay Baruchel’s sister!
Proposed new catch rule:
Upon any questionable catch, the official responsible for the call must be asked by another official, “Good enough?” If the responsible official’s response is a shrug or better, the play is a completion and is not reviewable.
If there’s a “Meh” from the official, then it’s not reviewable.
They should Rochambeau for it:
http://images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0/2/6/7/2/7/0/7/Cartman-roshambo-80135088807.png
Pacific wins the NHL All-Star Whatever-the-Fuck! Yay John Scott!
GODDAMN IT I’M DVRING THAT SHIT IN 10 MINUTES AND YOU TOTALLY RUINED IT HOW CAN I ENJOY IT NOW THAT I KNOW WHO WON
http://cdn.meme.am/instances/20784427.jpg
One is cruelly abandoned during THE NEXT TO LAST GAME OF THE ENTIRE SEASON
THAT’S NAWT A CATCH
Derek Carr might be OK at this armed-ball thing.
http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/65627838.jpg
Unis aren’t terrible.
Maybe the NFL is finally coming to the realization that the BRIGHT TEAL AQUA PURPLE thing is a relic of the 90s that should be taken out back and shot, hung, drawn, quartered, covered in Drano, sealed in a titanium coffin and thrown into the Challenger Deep.
Just to spite you, they’re going to be bright teal, aqua purple, and black next year.
Marino: Cheerleaders.
Baldwin:: Cheerleaders, Marino? Again?
Marino: Cheerleaders. Waitresses. Strippers. Anyone who might know where I left my wedding ring.
Gotta take better care of those hands!
The only Pro Bowl moment I’ve ever enjoyed was when Ed Hochuli said “Yes, there are penalties in the Pro Bowl…”
NaVorro Bowman’s stats were a bit inflated by the fact that he’s the only linebacker the Niners fielded all year.
http://memecrunch.com/meme/9SDV7/49ers-disaster/image.jpg
Lagunitas Imperial Pils.
Mio Orange-Tangerine.
V8 Fusion Concord Grape Raspberry
If you like brown ales:
http://cdn.beeradvocate.com/im/c_beer_image.gif
http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/34658/127795/
Off Color’s Corybantic.
It’s alright.
hey guys
sup
the cab on my way home had the heat set at 85f
jesus, man
thought i was gonna pass out
Somewhere Donald Trump is foaming at the mouth after seeing that commercial. That’s not a joke; I hope he’s dying right now.
It would just consolidate the cray-cray for Ted Cruz.
Thing is, everyone hates Cruz more than they do the Donald.
My money’s on Rubio to win the nomination.
Brokered Convention between Trump, Cruz and Rubio. Rubio-Kasich wins on the 12th ballot. Trump walks out on 10th ballot, runs 3rd party. Hillary wins General Election.*
Brokered convention…
http://franklycurious.com/media/1/20140514-catfud.jpg
My money is on the GOP nominating the cat.
If you did get pets teh suffrage, cats would take over the GOP within 5 years, TOPS.
Nah, cats can’t agree on anything.
The power of the Repubs, until recently, had always been their consistency and unity.
That’s the smart money, I think. There’s an enormous oppo file on Trump that the rest of the GOP hasn’t even dipped into. They want Cruz out first.
As long as it entertains me and ends in President HillyBob, I cool with it.
Still Feelin’ the Bern, but I know it’s pretty much a lost cause.
Cruz would be the worst disaster since Truman.
http://imgur.com/JkkSCUs
Jumpscare warning. I have no idea what i’m doing.
First to 70 wins?
Offense for all!
http://i.imgur.com/mjCS1YV.gif
Gentlemen.
Mutant Hamster.
/to your now-fed cat
Feline.
Everyone is bitching about Bridgewater being in the Pro Bowl, but I’m pissed off about the mere presence of John Khuuuuuuun!
His entire position shouldn’t exist in the Pro Bowl.
Because I just feel like making some people jump:
http://i.imgur.com/JkkSCUs.gifv
I’m 0 for 3 on making a post without screwing it up the first time.
This defense makes the defense in the NBA All-Star Game look like an Oklahoma Drill.
If this was a real game, Eli would’ve been killed to death on that play. (I’m assuming the Giants would’ve missed the block)
French bread is prepped, now to make the meat pies. See you all in a bit.