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The February of Duchess – Intro

Duchess

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So on Friday me and my boss came to a mutual understanding. I was tired of working there and they were tired of having me work there. Best part is that it was a “layoff”, so I got a pretty nice severance. Think of it as an aluminium parachute (the imperial way of saying that metal is just so much more fun than boring aluminum). Anyways while I look for my next place to call my office, I am thinking of taking some much-needed time off from the hustle and bustle. So I proclaim this as the February of Duchess!!!

Here’s the idea. Have you ever wondered what it felt like to go into a float tank? How about going to the worst rated restaurant on Yelp? I can do those things.  If you have an idea or experience you would like to know more about then comment below. I will pick 4-6 things to do and write up about each experience.Let the February of Duchess commence!

I live in the DC/ Virginia/ Maryland area so looking for things within a reasonable driving area, also nothing illegal, sorry for those thinking Asian “Massage Parlor”

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Sep

To add to Balls’ strip club theme: find a Strip Club with a lunch buffet, then rate on Yelp.

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litre_cola

Duchess the idea of the worst restaurants on yelp is gold. I may do that for pure fun.

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Sill Bimmons

Make Sgt. Merwin J. Toomey do one hundred pushups in front of this platoon.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Take Amtrak anywhere and document the experience.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Where is this from? I’ve seen other gifs you’ve posted. The movie or whatever it is seems intriguing…

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theeWeeBabySeamus

The actress is Margot Robbie. The character is Harley Quinn. The upcoming major motion picture is Suicide Squad….adapted from DC Comics.

I was always kinda take it or leave it with the whole superhero genre….but her Harley Quinn has given me firm (heh heh) anticipation for this one.

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Beerguyrob

Ride the Acela Quiet Car. See if PK responds with a “shush!”

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Sill Bimmons

I take Amtrak everywhere up and down the eastern seaboard, sometimes on the Acela.

It is not at all remarkable or interesting.

The shinkansen in Japan, however…

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ballsofsteelandfury

Oooh, I forgot one:

Visit a swingers’ club and see how many Congressmen you identify.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That might be a gay club; you can tell: the ones in Groucho glasses & mustache.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Here are a few of mine:

1) See how long you can go without wearing underwear
b) Cut your own hair
&) Settle once and for all if “liquor before beer, never fear, beer before liquor, never sicker” is true.
4) Shave your balls and give yourself a runway strip
g- Perform a Top Gear-style race where you and a buddy go someplace and you use public transport while the buddy braves DC traffic.
$- Determine the total number of strip clubs you have to visit before you find a stripper with no tattoos
8- Eat dinner at one of those places where they eat in complete darkness.
k- Take a pole-dancing class
) Volunteer to be a nude model for an art class
f- Work out insanely hard and see how ripped/buff you can get in one month
9- Drink 100 different beers and chronicle your findings

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litre_cola

The runway strip still has me chuckling.

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laserguru

Sitting at the Bulls Clippers game with my bros and we got bad ass seats. It’s our annual Christmas thing. We don’t buy presents we just pitch in and go to a good game.
Go Bulls.

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entropy

“Shit, that was my plan all along.”

–Rex Grossman.

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King Hippo

Find Jim Tomsula. STALK THE FUCK OUT OF HIM.

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entropy

Follow someone through a mall with a big arrow-shaped sign that reads, “YOU ARE HERE.” If asked why, tell them a friend asked you to make sure they didn’t get lost.

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ThePirateSloth

Pants a politician as they’re giving an interview!

Sure you’ll go to jail and/or be shot, but think of your notoriety!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Or get a well paying “nonpaid personal assistant for wide stancing”……

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Doktor Zymm

C&O canal booze cruise!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

…there are several of these that I would join, btw. Duchess’s DMV DFO Meetup?

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ThePirateSloth

Go see the basement of The Alamo.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Sea-Tac? I think that’s Sea-Tac.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t go in the basement…………

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Doktor Zymm

Too bad you can no longer visit the Museum of Menstruation in New Carrollton. http://www.mum.org/
You can still go to the Baltimore Tattoo Museum, perhaps on a Friday or Saturday before going to see a show at the Sidebar.
Also, did you know DC is one of the few places where male strippers can go full nude?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

And former councilman Jim graham is doing his part by converting the House to an all male revue Sunday nights.

/read it in the paper
//no, really!

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ballsofsteelandfury

Duchess should try out for the all-male nude revue.

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Old School Zero

See if you can get a job at Wal Mart and then quit after one day.

Call up organizations for causes you are interested in and find someone who can really give you a good discussion about that cause.

Make a Croquembouche (pictured below).

http://www.luxury-wedding.com/images/2014/01/wedding-cake-croquembouche1.jpg

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entropy

I think you just want to see how many times you can say “bouche” in this thread.

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Old School Zero

It’s true. I’m a real bouche hag.

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JerBear50

They’re quite amusing.

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entropy

Bake the world’s biggest Twinkie.

Memorize Weird Al’s “Fat.” Sing outside Weight Watchers, complete with inflating fat suit.

Go to douchiest gym in area, workout using lightest weights imaginable, grunt like giving birth on each rep. Shout, “Gimme five, bro!” as everyone walks by. Repeat until asked to leave. Alternatively, walk in with large balloons, tie to heaviest weights you can lift, and tell everyone they really help out.

Walk through a hospital with a single piece of pepperoni sticking halfway out of your shirt, stuck to your skin. See if anyone approaches you.

Attend an AA meeting. It’s the closest some of us will ever get.

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King Hippo

Here’s one I’ve wanted to try for awhile – see if you can go 72 full hours without speaking a word.

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Doktor Zymm

I’ve done that. I used index cards to communicate on the few instances I needed to.

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Don T

I tried that. Make sure you have groceries at home first. Otherwise, the self-reflection becomes dark and then just plain boring.

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JerBear50

If your regular demeanor is anything like mine and if you have a good relationship with your bartender, I assure you it’s quite possible.

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Don T

-Go to NIST headquarters in Gaithersburg dressed as a meter, shout WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME repeatedly. (May require subcontracting a midget.)
-develop a go-to kickass recipe
-read That One Book; if after 40 it’s a grind, watch That Movie
-organize a suffrage for pets PAC

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Some random ideas, DMV-specific and otherwise.

-Test drive a car at Eastern Motors.
-See how many Five Guys you can eat at in one day without vomiting.
-Show up at a university and try and enroll as a freshman.
-Play a little game I like to call, “Which Smithsonian can I get thrown out of the quickest?”
-Visit casinos in Baltimore, Charlestown, and the one up at Arundel Mills, describe which is most depressing and how you did at the blackjack tables at each.
-Mormon church site visit.
-Spend a day at the DMV and document the insanity.
-Set up a caricature artist stand. Give away free stick figure drawings.
-Tours of Pentagon (definitely available and free) and Langley (no idea).
-Is that trapeze school near the convention center still around? That.
-Picket Dan Snyder’s house.
-Scientology personality test.
-Show up at a civil war battlefield dressed as a reenacter. Ask NPS where everyone else is. Sit down in the middle of the battlefield and proclaim “I’ll wait.”

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Visit as many churches and other religious institutions as you can. Inform them that you are from Consumer Reports and are compiling ratings for your new “Which Is The One True God” ratings

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Doktor Zymm

In Maryland at least, it’s called the MVA, rather than the DMV. Dunno why.

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Porky Prime

New Mexico it’s MVD.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In Colorado it’s DWMC?

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ballsofsteelandfury

These are all wonderful ideas.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Walk around National Air and Space Museum all day in a NASA jumpsuit. Give impromptu lectures to school groups on how you poop in space.

NOTE: Must be a one-piece jumpsuit.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Bonus if you smear chocolate on your hands first.

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Sharkbait

Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

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JerBear50

A schooner is a sailboat, stupidhead.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Illegal? I thought it was just frowned upon.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Just consider where else that hand has been.

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King Hippo

I think you should go get a haircut at a black dudes’ barber shop.

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entropy

I do it all the time, and I’m a white guy who is told he looks like a cop fairly often. It’s fun as hell.

Also: at some point this morning, my buddy asked, “How much longer do I have before you’re done drinking?”

I told him, “All of the beer and possibly more than half of the vodka.”

I am so proud of that drunken response I wrote it down.

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King Hippo

When my haircut lady retires, perhaps I shall do it. Same lady has cut my hair consistently save maybe twice (when I lived in NoVA and couldn’t time a trip back to Raleigh properly) since my sophomore year in college – ie, 23 years ago.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is the waxing something new for you and her?

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Heckle Mitch McConnell until he admits he is the basis for Alien Lizard Man Grig from the Last Starfighter.

http://ibw.cwbuechler.com/newblog/wp-content/grig.png

http://a.abcnews.go.com/images/Politics/ht_mitch_mcconnell_dm_120104_wmain.jpg

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jjfozz

Stand outside the Creationist Museum dressed in a gorilla costume holding a sign that says, “Yes, I Am Your Uncle”.

This museum is in Livingston, KY – also known as The Fuckshit Capitol of the World, well in my house that’s what I call it.

Good luck, be prepared for plenty of Christians practicing their religion, especially the one about “love one another as I have loved you.”

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theeWeeBabySeamus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=074R5caqT_M

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When I was young and naive I used to think science, logic, pragmatism, ethics, etc. were gaining momentum in the general populace, at least slightly.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/a8f4f259d5114a48e4bfbdc3518544ae/tumblr_o1k996JXJ71rxpytqo1_400.gif

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JerBear50

Maron has a bit about going there that was pretty good.

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laserguru

Hey, I wasn’t going to say Asian massage parlor, I was going to say Thai massage parlor.
There’s a big difference.

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ballsofsteelandfury

It’s the ceilings, isn’t it?

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Live for an entire week eating, drinking and using only “Official X of the NFL” products.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I did the float tank thing while in my Practicing Law In My Underwear phase. It’s a fine line between relaxed enough for your brain not to start chewing on itself and too relaxed so you go to sleep.

Also, do no shave before going. Epsom salt buuuuurns

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Porky Prime

National Postal Museum! While wearing a UPS uniform!

It’s funnier if you’re a mailman.

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Horatio Cornblower

I am intrigued by the idea of a month of the worst rated “x” on Yelp. Restaurant, barber shop, book store etc. Hit ’em all.

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indieguy

Visit the spots where they shot the wire

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Horatio Cornblower

Duchess comin’ yo.

/also works for the Asian massage parlor thing.

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laserguru

Be sure to go into the corner store for a box of Honey Nut and a pack of Newports.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve been here a few times and I really enjoyed it. I find that people with a sense of humor do enjoy it. Those who do not, do not. It’s an interesting sociological experiment to take others here.
http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g60811-d1815483-r119123477-Dick_s_Last_Resort-Baltimore_Maryland.html

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ballsofsteelandfury

This place sounds awesome!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DC Metro area? One of these things should involve trolling Drew Magary somehow.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Challenge him to a Chopped “Embarrassing Shirt” Cook-Off

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