Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 20)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Las Vegas! Covalent Blonde is out on the Strip with Redshirt, Yeah Right and Pirate Sloth.

Covalent Blonde: OK, we have to find those guys. Redshirt, you and Pirate Sloth hit the casinos on the south side, and Yeah Right and I will head north.

Pirate Sloth: Arr.

Redshirt: ‘kay.

Covalent Blonde: Remember, we have to find them before [CENSORED BY THE NFL] 50 kicks off.

Yeah Right: Do you really think those guys are going to bet on [CENSORED BY THE NFL] 50?

Covalent Blonde: Why else would they be here in Vegas on [CENSORED BY THE NFL] 50 weekend? With Moose’s knowledge of things to come, it’s a sure thing…but Doktor Zymm is really going to be pissed if they end up changing the future somehow.

Pirate Sloth: Right ye be! Have no fear, we shall sally forth and find our missing mates.

The group splits up, with Yeah Right and Covalent Blonde going one way, and Redshirt and Pirate Sloth the other.

Redshirt: This’ll take forever unless we split up. I’m gonna check out this casino, you go on ahead and I’ll catch up.

Pirate Sloth: Arr.

Pirate Sloth heads down the Strip, only to spot a pirate ship in front of a hotel.

Pirate Sloth (making a beeline for the ship): By my beard! ‘Tis a thing o’ beauty, a hearty ship indeed!

Bikini Girl #1 (spotting Pirate Sloth): O! M! G! Like, you’re a pirate, aren’t you?

Pirate Sloth: Arr! Indeed I am, me lovely!

Bikini Girl #1 (to Bikini Girl #2): You have to take a picture of us!

Pirate Sloth (posing with Bikini Girl #1): Arr! ‘Tis good to be a pirate!

Bikini Girl #2: Me next!

A crowd of tourists and spectators build up around Pirate Sloth.

Pirate Sloth (forgetting just why he’s in Las Vegas to begin with): Arr!

Cut to: Yeah Right, making his way through a crowded casino.

Yeah Right: Jeez, this place is packed! Hey, excuse me, mind if I slip by?

A yuuuuuuge guy in a muscle tee glares down at Yeah Right.

Musclehead: You pushin’ me?

Yeah Right (gulping): No…? I was just trying to get past you to…

Musclehead (poking Yeah Right in the chest): I don’t like to be pushed.

Yeah Right: Ow..ow…OK, look, I’ll just go the other way, then…

Covalent Blonde appears behind Yeah Right, and grabs the musclehead’s finger.

Covalent Blonde (menacingly): Buddy, that’s my friend you’re picking on…

Cut to: Redshirt, who finds Old School Zero and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van in the casino lounge, watching a big-screen TV.

Redshirt: Hey, guys.

OSZ: Redhsirt! What are you doing here?

Redshirt: Covalent Blonde brought us here to look for you. She’s afraid that you’re going to bet on [CENSORED BY THE NFL] 50 and mess up the future.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: What? Like, no way, man! We’d never bet on [CENSORED BY THE NFL] 50! Football is, like, sacred, man!

OSZ: Besides, Moose doesn’t even want to talk about [CENSORED BY THE NFL] 50. We asked him if he wanted to watch it and he said…and I quote…”The horror…the horror…”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: So then Moose was all bummed out, so we were all, hey, cheer up, dude! And then I, like, remembered that the Super Underground Combat Kingdom was in Vegas, dude.

OSZ: And by “remembered” he means he was using one of their flyers to roll a joint.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally! So we were, like, let’s blow off the [CENSORED BY THE NFL] this year and go to Vegas, man!

Redshirt: Super Underground Combat Kingdom… I’ve heard of that. It’s a big mixed-style fighting tournament, right?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally! There’s, like, luchadores and boxers and wrestlers and ninjas…

OSZ: Moose brightened up when Marc mentioned it. He said it reminded him of the Oakland DMZ fighting pits.

Redshirt: That sounds…disturbing. Still, Covalent Blonde should be happy that you guys aren’t messing up the future…

Unnoticed by the trio, on the big-screen TV there’s a picture of the musclehead who was hassling Yeah Right, with the scrolling caption: “Underground fighter injured in Las Vegas melee…”

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighJerBear50SonOfSpamLow Commander of the Super SoldiersThePirateSloth Recent comment authors
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ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I agree, ’tis good to be a Pirate sometimes.

Old School Zero

Deleted scene from earlier:

“Hey, everybody! Let’s hop in my Prius and go check out the Cirque Du Soleil show! Wha–OW! FUCK! OW! UNCLE! UNCLE! OKAY! OKAY!”

/scene

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This S.U.C.K. tournament sounds much like the Kumite in Bloodsport . I can’t wait for Jeff Triplette to show up in a cameo playing the part of Chong Li.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I don’t know, it sounds more like the Ghang-gheng from The Quest to me…

JerBear50
JerBear50

I can’t wait for the real Frank Dux to show up and play the part of a rambling, psychopathic con artist.

laserguru

Nothing good ever happens when you head north on The Strip.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Actually, I’ve found that if you go north, then south, then north again, then south, then a little further south but not TOO far south, followed by wandering around Treasure Island in an alphabet pattern, a good time can be had.

ballsofsteelandfury

That stretch between the Stratosphere and downtown….

laserguru

That’s the stretch I’m talking about.
Yikes.

SonOfSpam

Yeah. You end up right in her navel.

Enrico Pallazzo

I don’t know how good Doktor Zymm is, but the doc can’t be any worse than Paul Zimmermann’s Doctor.

laserguru

That’s it. We’ve got to have a Vegas get together.
I’ll call Covalent Blonde.

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

SonOfSpam

My understanding is that they allow gambling or “gaming” there, and not just the who-cares-about-a-condom-what’s-the-worst-that-could-happen kind.

blaxabbath

It’s so weird hearing/watching ads for snacks “to have on hand for The Big Game!”

I don’t quite understand how the hell an event even receives such protection. Like, when a band comes to town and the radio is giving away tickets, no one says, “And we got passes to this week’s Rock Concert!” or “Head on down to Gammage for the Big Traveling Broadway Show!”

monty this seems strange to me

Roger Goodell just trademarked “The Big Game”. You owe him royalties, Blax.

Shit, now so do I.

nomonkeyfun

They really did try that a few years ago, but Stanford and Cal already owned the trademark.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but, THANK GOD FOR STANFORD. Don’t chop down that tree quite yet.

laserguru

“Can’t wait.”

blaxabbath

Dan Snyder could learn a thing or two about the proper use of “[REDACTED]” from HRTN.

nomonkeyfun
ballsofsteelandfury

You do NOT mess with Covalent. Not at all.

monty this seems strange to me

The NFL’s censors can suck my [CENSORED BY THE NFL]