Dear Lord! There’s another Republican debate tonight? From Detroit?! The Fox Theater?! On Fox News?!
/checks cable package; relieved Fox News isn’t listed
//wishes Robocop was real
///ends up on FBI watch list
It might be fun to watch Megyn Kelly grind Trump’s balls, if all those other chucklefucks weren’t going to trip on each other trying to do it instead. It’ll probably end up making Trump look better. At least Carson’s not there. If there was any justice in the world, Matt Millen would be the moderator and just spend the entire two hours asking questions about sandwiches and NCAA eligibility.
Forgive the Canadian obsession with US politics, but the presidential campaign matters almost as much to us. As Justin’s dad once said:
Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.
Because the debate’s in Detroit – the Assembly Line of Miserableness – I’ve tried to line up which candidate matches a Lions QB from years past. Opinions may vary:
- Jeb!: Scott Mitchell – Mama’s boy; never really wanted the job, just the money. Got fat & went home.
- Ben Carson: Rodney Peete – considered strong when drafted, but faltered quickly under the lights.
- John Kasich: Eric Hipple – a good & decent man surrounded by awful teammates.
- Marco Rubio: Dan Orlovsky – who else can you picture running out of the end zone?
- Ted Cruz: Joey Harrington – always optimistic in the face of abject failure; looks good on paper.
- Trump: comes out in Matt Stafford, but rips off jersey on stage to reveal a Bobby Layne
- “What’s Stafford done? Nothing! He’s so bad he made Megatron retire. I don’t wear garbage. Bobby Layne – that guy was a winner. I only wear winners!”
Considering the Republican convention is being held in the Factory of Sadness July 18-21, I’m sure there will be thinkpieces comparing the Browns organization and whatever Republican civil war has erupted by then. I can already see Jimmy Haslam yee-hawing his way to the stage. Our only true salvation at that time will be meteor.
Enough talk – to the games! (all times eastern)
NHL: (12 games total)
- Rangers @ Penguins – 7:00
- Blackhawks @ Bruins – 7:00
- Tampa Bay @ Ottawa – 7:30
- Habs @ Kings – 10:30
NBA: (4 games total)
- Spurs @ Pelicans – 8:00
- Sacramento @ Dallas – 8:30
- Thunder @ Warriors – 10:30
NCAA:
Basketball: (Reminder: the tournament starts two weeks today!)
- Illinois @ #14 Maryland – 7:00
- #25 Cal @ #18 Arizona – 9:00
- What the hell is ESPN 3? There’s so few seeds playing most games have been shuffled to the Trois
Hockey: The Div-1 Hockey East tournament begins tonight. Road to the Frozen Four!
- New Hampshire @ Merrimack – 7:00
Finally, on today’s date in 1931, “The Star Spangled Banner” was adopted as the US national anthem & signed into law by Herbert Hoover. To commemorate this fact, it’s gotta be Whitney:
That’s the good stuff. INTO THE NIGHT, MY PRETTIES!
People saying they’re terrified of a Trump presidency, but honestly, there’s no fucking way it could be worse than the eight years W stole.
I don’t know, Bush never declared the country bankrupt while asking the UN for compensation and selling the Louisiana purchase back to the French but with his name on it in tacky shiny letters.
That all sounds awesome.
I’m so fat, that is, my liver is so fatty, that my buzz already wore off.
Well, at least I have a good idea of how and when I’ll die. So let me put $20 on the Panthers to show up again in Super Bowl 51.
Ah. Silence of the Lambs. One of my go-to movies to fall asleep to.
It’s “Goodfellas” for me, or “The Great Escape”.
Goodfellas is the other one.
This video just cracks me up
#Bollywood4lyfe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5aetbezCqM&feature=youtu.be
Technically, that’s a Telugu movie, and that industry is called “Tollywood.”
You can seriously piss off southern Indians if you assume they speak Hindi.
And I’d tell them not to have a cow, man.
Seriously though, I had no idea. You learn something new every day.
Okay, enough lovely A/C, time to go back into the heat, dehydrate, then rehydrate with cold beer. Also I ate all the poprice I was bringing back for people in the office, but I haven’t touched the coconut carmels so it’s all good. I officially nominate Vietnam for DFO clubhouse location
Have a beer for me. I just went to the fridge to get a cold one, only to find there isn’t any left. Wakezilla is a sad, sad panda.
Have fun in Nam.
My old man and his cousin would probably agree with you, right up to that last statement. Otherwise, enjoy!
I’ve mentioned before that I’m working a part-time job teaching at a private tutoring centre. Well, one of my students finally had a breakdown today.How could his parents have known that after a day of school, doing 4 more extra hours of school (and homework) Monday-Friday and another 8 hours on the weekend for months on end caused this kid to have a melt down and literally run away after he started to bawl?
Fucking lazy millenials
Seriously though, why do that to a kid?
I have no idea. But a lot of parents are doing that to these kids. I got the shit end of the stick because I was supposed to be teaching SAT and Provincials prep, but, they’ve got me teaching 10-12 year olds. Now, whenever I see those kids drinking pop or eating something sugary, I cringe because I know they’re going to be a handful.
How does it feel, and will you get a cameo in the next TV movie, working with the next Menendez brother?
I’m sympathize with you. I actually teach them the Exam courses; you are the one who is drilling the reinforcement into their skulls. It’s hard enough preparing for that without 10 hours/week of piano.
Well, Top Gun is over. What next.
Is it too late to recommend “Hot Shots”?
Debates? Pssh. If we had really gone socialist we wouldn’t have to deal with this crp, all hail glorious leader Obama!
I’m gonna go get a massage, eat a bahn mi, then go watch sports in an Aussie bar. While, like every city on earth there are Irishpubs here, this being SE Asia they are outnumbered by aussie bars.
I’m just glad to see that Doktor Zymm has embraced the insomniac lifestyle, time zones be damned!
Enjoy yourself, and start scouting potential places to live after Trump or Cruz declare themselves King of MURICKA.
Already done. I just need to figure out how to buy land here, what withthe communism and all. Also, it’s 1 pm right now, i get back monday night, go to work on Tuesday. That whole day is gonna be fucked.
As a professor of Geography:
I actually get back before i leave, because it’s the future here. Also because the date line.
Record the future’s lottery numbers.
I know a “gentleman” who’s planning to retire to Thailand. He may know a guy who knows a guy in Vietnam.
That’s a good lookin’ sammich!
https://vine.co/v/igH3wW1Khe9
http://57.media.tumblr.com/efedf28539b3d44fae01c41d00e802e7/tumblr_o32ot4RlCj1uxticxo2_540.gif
“Holy shit. I want to turn away but Bill O’Reilly is TRUMAN CAPOTE TALKSHOW DRUNK. #wow”
http://www.rawstory.com/2016/03/patton-oswalt-thinks-bill-oreilly-was-drunk-after-the-gopdebate-and-twitter-agrees-with-him/
Steph Curry is some sort of other-worldly demon, specifically sent here to confuse and destroy the hierarchy of the NBA.
The Warriors are so fun to watch. 55-5. Unreal.
Plus, there’s a native Iowan on the roster (Harrison Barnes from Ames).
When Mitt Romney makes the same points as John Oliver, you know shit’s gone south.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnpO_RTSNmQ
Thanks to commentists who posted this before.
http://mic.com/articles/136966/mitt-romney-s-speech-on-the-2016-race-was-a-scathing-indictment-of-donald-trump?utm_source=policymicTBLR&utm_medium=main&utm_campaign=social#.P5sJMHtmz
http://56.media.tumblr.com/73e8b0d6cf4a629bfb4ada36780c3e96/tumblr_o34ycysCbu1rrmtg0o1_1280.jpg
Too late? Sorry.
http://57.media.tumblr.com/189b258754491d1801f30962db5fad4c/tumblr_o34irxhrKj1uxticxo2_400.gif