Dear Lord! There’s another Republican debate tonight? From Detroit?! The Fox Theater?! On Fox News?!
/checks cable package; relieved Fox News isn’t listed
//wishes Robocop was real
///ends up on FBI watch list
It might be fun to watch Megyn Kelly grind Trump’s balls, if all those other chucklefucks weren’t going to trip on each other trying to do it instead. It’ll probably end up making Trump look better. At least Carson’s not there. If there was any justice in the world, Matt Millen would be the moderator and just spend the entire two hours asking questions about sandwiches and NCAA eligibility.
Forgive the Canadian obsession with US politics, but the presidential campaign matters almost as much to us. As Justin’s dad once said:
Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.
Because the debate’s in Detroit – the Assembly Line of Miserableness – I’ve tried to line up which candidate matches a Lions QB from years past. Opinions may vary:
- Jeb!: Scott Mitchell – Mama’s boy; never really wanted the job, just the money. Got fat & went home.
- Ben Carson: Rodney Peete – considered strong when drafted, but faltered quickly under the lights.
- John Kasich: Eric Hipple – a good & decent man surrounded by awful teammates.
- Marco Rubio: Dan Orlovsky – who else can you picture running out of the end zone?
- Ted Cruz: Joey Harrington – always optimistic in the face of abject failure; looks good on paper.
- Trump: comes out in Matt Stafford, but rips off jersey on stage to reveal a Bobby Layne
- “What’s Stafford done? Nothing! He’s so bad he made Megatron retire. I don’t wear garbage. Bobby Layne – that guy was a winner. I only wear winners!”
Considering the Republican convention is being held in the Factory of Sadness July 18-21, I’m sure there will be thinkpieces comparing the Browns organization and whatever Republican civil war has erupted by then. I can already see Jimmy Haslam yee-hawing his way to the stage. Our only true salvation at that time will be meteor.
Enough talk – to the games! (all times eastern)
NHL: (12 games total)
- Rangers @ Penguins – 7:00
- Blackhawks @ Bruins – 7:00
- Tampa Bay @ Ottawa – 7:30
- Habs @ Kings – 10:30
NBA: (4 games total)
- Spurs @ Pelicans – 8:00
- Sacramento @ Dallas – 8:30
- Thunder @ Warriors – 10:30
NCAA:
Basketball: (Reminder: the tournament starts two weeks today!)
- Illinois @ #14 Maryland – 7:00
- #25 Cal @ #18 Arizona – 9:00
- What the hell is ESPN 3? There’s so few seeds playing most games have been shuffled to the Trois
Hockey: The Div-1 Hockey East tournament begins tonight. Road to the Frozen Four!
- New Hampshire @ Merrimack – 7:00
Finally, on today’s date in 1931, “The Star Spangled Banner” was adopted as the US national anthem & signed into law by Herbert Hoover. To commemorate this fact, it’s gotta be Whitney:
That’s the good stuff. INTO THE NIGHT, MY PRETTIES!
Redshirt, who you got in this mess?
Kasich is my first choice.
Rubio is my second choice.
Reconciliation with England is my third choice.
Political Asylum in Canada is my fall back strategy.
“Vote For Me, I’ll Build a Death Star”
— Ted Cruz
Oh, good. The depressive effects are kicking in and I’m obsessing about how I’m all alone.
Moderator: “Mr. Trump, your response.”
Trump: “Marco fucks little puppies.”
Rubio: “He’s not answering the question; he’s doing another personal assault.”
Moderator: “Senator, let him finish.”
No joke. Fuck the Republicans. They made their shitty bed that we all had to sleep in. It’s about time they climb in with us the miserable cocksuckers.
I’m a Republican and I approve this message. I saw this happening when the Tea Party took over. This is just Political Natural Selection in progress.
They should just settle this Joker-style.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/20150214/5174015/joker-tryouts-o.gif
Better than Hillary-style
http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/scale_small/10/100647/4144022-darkseid+anti+life01.jpg
http://57.media.tumblr.com/25cdccdcd910d61c4dcede84d667195d/tumblr_o2s0ok2R6F1smxjoeo1_400.gif
This looks like that Common Core math bullshit.
This may be the end of Trump, unfortunately
NEVER!!!!!
Republican Party’s face when:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed6enMMfKco
Boy, Trump is pissed.
What a difference an hour and some change makes….
http://56.media.tumblr.com/0501c03c2a8ba525414a3a97dc849fc8/tumblr_o3hws7vmGI1uf51wyo1_1280.jpg
I’m all for the 2nd Amendment, but Trump wants to turn the Paris Terrorist Attacks into a live-action Call of Duty Multiplayer Match?!
Isnt that the NRA’s goal?
Yes
Moderator: “Mr. Trump, you’re name wasn’t mentioned, but he was most likely talking about you.”
Kasich: (laughs) “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I think they all get a quarter if Drumpf’s name is mentioned.
We got a half hour for this to happen:
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/20140706/5065138/ed-209-kill-robocop-o.gif
The blood squibs for that scene alone comprised 56% of the entire US GDP in 1987.
None of which was shared with Detroit, which is unfortunate because it probably would have prevented the dystopian nightmare the film foresaw.
Detroit was already well and truly fucked in 1987. Don’t forget: Roger and Me came out in 1989.
It’s time to invest in our national stairwell infrastructure
NO! NO THEY DON’T, STUPID.
Do i even want to know?
Every time Ted Cruz speaks, I am filled with a frothing rage. How do people not just punch him in the face on a regular basis?
Coupled with the fact he has an EXTREMELY punchable face.
Extremely punchable…OAR TEH MOAST PUNCHABLE
I feel like most of FOX News questions tonight have been “What the fuck, exactly?” It’s possible the media is getting frightened by the political climate it’s created.
Boo fucking hoo
Fear is autoerotic asphyxiation for the political media
http://57.media.tumblr.com/ec01a09bb3a3156c4aecd6ed90557267/tumblr_nk9hotV6yT1rso48lo1_540.gif
Hey! Night Court is on! So long, debate.
Connor 2016
http://56.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvt4tyzi7v1qz4x8xo1_1280.jpg
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6es0bMeWn1ru1w50o1_500.jpg
I think I am out. I got to answer emails from the Japan office. Since I am out of amphetamines…I kind of have to stop with the depressants. So no more beer or GOP debate…
I’m not normally a conspiracy theorist, but it sure seems like Fox, and some other GOPers did all they could to lure Trump back onto the stage, just so FOX could go Dialy Show on his ass live
That’s not a conspiracy theory, that’s a reasonable inference given the facts.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/5c162ec67f00555ff5e143647195dc59/tumblr_nt1kcrzMUW1qlzc4lo1_1280.jpg
I guarantee that was their plan. They’re giving it to Cruz a bit, too.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/ac1c229f04f5e24951e7259e63caba38/tumblr_n69l0rU2M81rd4o20o1_500.png
That’s my strategic plan.
A bucket of shit would win by 50% if it ran in the Republican primary right now…right?
http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3003/2988550401_ce3516e97b_z.jpg?zz=1
Say what you will about the bucket…you know exactly what you are getting…
No. Trump is only winning in the 30%s.
Oh, you meant a “basket”. Sorry, I thought you meant a pile of shit. My error.
At least shit can be useful.
http://www.ent13.com/images/charliechestnuts.jpg
Bucket of chestnuts/Da Maniac 2016
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg
The Republican debaters should be issued canes from now on
http://57.media.tumblr.com/d0edfdd5b648856ccdd8de18fb56550c/tumblr_o2r87isTuT1tpg4boo1_500.gif
I thought Cruz was about to break into a stirring rendition of “Proud to be an American” there.
If Rubio will just turn and go, “Oh, will you just shut up!”, this journey will be worth the pain.
I keep blacking out…has anything been interesting at all? It just seems like yammering…
Kasich is speaking more. Its kind of refreshing.
Eh, he’s as bad as the others. He just hides it better.
http://57.media.tumblr.com/498c335d3cb2cf734aab45b281b9530e/tumblr_my0fy38aS51qg39ewo1_500.gif
I would rather suck off every ebola patient in Africa than watch a GOP debate.
Ebola….over here.
Prove it. Pictures or it didn’t happen.
I score a nine or ten depending on definitions.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/08a042c09b10c7be9e7e157946e168db/tumblr_o2kaymHV2r1v3j3who1_500.jpg
I love how Mormons are just tossed in there at the end like “Mormons? Oh yeah. Fuck those guys!”
Well …
Why does Sport have Nuts?
Isn’t “Ankle Biters” just another term for little kids?
Something tells me that they meant “Pillow Biters.”
That confused the hell out of me, too.
http://persephonemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/mal-speechless.gif
I mean, I guess you could bite your own ankles while you were bent over being buttfucked, I just don’t see the turn on.
Foot fetishists?
Trump Playbook:
Candidate: You know Trump…
Trump (interrupting): Blah, blah, blah
Candidate: …my plan is….
Trump (interrupting): Blah, blah, blah
Candidate: …and your plan…
Trump (interrupting): Blah, blah, blah
(ding)
Candidate: …what’s matters is….
Moderator: Candidate, your time is up.
Trump: You know Candidate…
Candidate (interrupting): That’s not right.
Trump: Please don’t interrupt me.
Moderator: Candidate, please let Mr. Trump finish.
More Sunny on Netflix or The Debate?
*Starts The Gang Misses The Boat*
It’ll be a LOT sooner than that.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/cae6ed9a8384a41204da7424efe50e97/tumblr_nxhqrvcmWT1slsxjdo1_500.jpg
Kasich: “Megan, can I say something?”
Kelly: “Governor Kasich.”
Kasich: “I can? That’s unprecedented. I’m at a loss for words.”
http://56.media.tumblr.com/110743e4d96b2a3d08eb224db54ee3ae/tumblr_nc7f4wlveX1r7dgeuo1_1280.jpg
I’ve decided that I’m running for president.
The only plank in my platform is launching the fuckwits from Workaholics into the sun.
We’ll tie Adam Devine to the side of the rocket so we can watch him burn, then freeze, then be ripped into subatomic particles in the Van Allen belts.
I don’t love Workaholics, but I’ll watch it if it’s on. That said, Adam Devine deserves to be drawn and quartered on live TV during halftime of the Super Bowl.
Still better than Coldplay
Aren’t I supposed to be President in 2016? Shouldn’t we have SOME kind of platform at some point?
Yes and no….not necessarily in that order.
Donald Trump isn’t the hero the Republican Party needs, but he’s the hero they deserve.
Meh….really?
http://56.media.tumblr.com/a243be8d94978f610f144b4eff7ac13f/tumblr_o2tvxq0CRZ1thl23lo1_250.png
http://www.trend-chaser.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/1.gif
Monster!
Damn hackers http://gfycat.com/UnfinishedWeirdArrowworm
http://57.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lykuritkwd1qg39ewo1_500.gif
http://57.media.tumblr.com/5a111ac37f9d32faddc3abb646a813ba/tumblr_o3ebnsFL971s01qkyo1_400.gif
All of them.
I don’t see anything.
Dennis going full on sociopath this season has been amazing.
http://57.media.tumblr.com/fbe58aa7572c854f3fc9399ef0cbb64a/tumblr_o39yayDQdp1s01qkyo1_400.gif
He was really spooky last night, and I loved the “because of the implication” callback.
That Dee understood the “implication” was the scariest thing of all.
Ted Cruz is Patrick Bateman without the looks or charisma or human soul.
or intelligence or perspective or an end game or……
But he can quote the fuck out of a Huey Lewis review.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/5822b2f43400002bbc809d2f23507754/tumblr_nvcpp0WAvS1ubfgh6o1_500.jpg
8 minutes to “Vikings”, where political disputes are settled in a far more common-sense fashion than anything I’ve heard tonight from the GOP candidates.
“I want dem all DEAD! I want dere families DEAD!”
Quoting that about the Malheur dickheads got me unfriended by a shitload of people.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/280266ba3a62f62be3ee5e10b7cbfc1c/tumblr_o3b4w4v2Ld1qf9csoo1_500.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5wze2sbAn1rv1209o1_500.jpg
“We’ve got to be on the ground both in Libya and Syria….”
And John Kasich’s support goes from 7.8% to 3.3%.
“We’ll keep doing it until it doesn’t fail!”
30 years later; the five guys left in the military show up in Ireland; drink Guinness. Finally works.
That’s not that bad of an idea. The military is way too big.
John Kasich could eat a baby on stage right now and no one would notice.
I thought that was how they got on stage in the first place
I swear to god that Cruz reminds me of every bad guy in a David Lynch film…
http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMzU1NzI1NjM0NF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwOTA3NjEwNw@@._V1_CR0,25,266,150_AL_UX477_CR0,0,477,268_AL_.jpg
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Ted Cruz is date rape personified.
Minus the “date” part.
To me he seems way to incompetent to be a good criminal. Maybe more of the old Batman show where everything is labeled in Helvetica.
http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/2014-12/1/20/enhanced/webdr07/enhanced-8140-1417482047-19.jpg
Mac WOULD know showtunes.
http://57.media.tumblr.com/9ce4319bb752cfd02d6e2ce2b4122e1f/tumblr_o2zfl1YzHW1rat938o7_400.gif
Nice tits
Thank you; I have gained a little weight over the winter.
At least you worked it into the right places.