Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 11

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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Congratulations to putative MVP Cam Newton, who shat all over the Washington Redacteds. That makes it 10 in a row for the 9-1 Panthers!

Not to be out-NFC Easted, the Sanchize led the Iggles to an early 7-0 lead over the Bucs, only to be narrowly edged 45-10 down the stretch. Yeah, Chip Kelly totes kicked a FG in the 4th quarter. One assumes he’s checking the “college coach” section of craigslist on an hourly basis.

But all is not lost! Tony Romo failed to Nobyl in his return to the field in the humid sweatsock of South Florida. The sea mammals are hence buried a little deeper, and the Cowboys are lookin’ good at 3-7 (with a bullet!).

Some come back from injury, others go away. We mourn the loss of the Elite One today, but he goes out a winner, in a truly brutal (like, Bataan Death March brutal) game, 16-13 over the Rams. In my head, there’s an intense legal battle between St. Louis, Los Angeles, and Beirut as to who has to take this franchise. Throughout it all, only Jeff Fisher’s blank stare and mustache remain constants. Todd Gurley crashes down to earth for the second week running.

Speaking of crashing…oh, Jets. You done losted to T.J. Yates. Go to your room and think about what you just did.

Also, the once looking respectable and maybe even a bit dangerous Oakland Raiders lost in Detroit. Surprisingly, the blame all lies with an offense that never got out of second gear. Does nobody want that second AFC Wild Card slot?

Maybe it’s the lack of allure in going to Denver in January? Brock gets his Happy Birthday start in the Windy City and makes it count. 20-27, 250 yards, 2 TDs, no INTs. Of course, the Donks just had to make it interesting, giving up a late TD and needing the stop on the 2-pointer to preserve a 17-15 win, but after the field-shitting against the Chefs, all Denver faithful will gladly take it. Especially with the good QB play attached.

Those pesky Chefs get their second straight road division blowout, this week over the injured, demoralized, and perhaps packed-up-to-move Chargers. This game was just shit start to finish, and KC happily accepted the many gifts they were given. God help the poor fucks who watched this in its entirety. The Red Zone portions were indigestible enough.

Seattle jumped out to a lightning-fast 20-0 lead, let The Flow get his charges back in it somehow, then pulled away again to win 29-13. Honestly, I had trouble paying attention even when Red Zone cut to this one. Just seemed like more evidence that the SeaTruthers just don’t have it anymore. They are just kinda there, 8-8 written all over ’em.

I almost forgot about the Colts/Falcons. We all probably should. It amazes me that anyone still takes Atlanta seriously at all, but this home loss should be the last straw. I am probably the only fantasy owner in America who started Ahmad Bradshaw (2 TDs!!) and I still lost, because I fucking suck. At fantasy football, life, whatevs. But hey, at least I’M NOT THE FUCKING ATLANTA FALCONS.

The rumbling sound you hear is the Minnesota Vikings/Teddy Bridgewater bandwagon emptying en masse. Very disappointing effort, especially from the Vikes’ OL. Teddy Ballgame never had a chance. Stefon Diggs still MIA. Nothing gold can stay.

Carson Palmer sucked in the first half. Like really fucking “Alvin & the Chipmunks Squeakuel” sucked. But Cincy only led by 7. They would regret that when Palmer quit sucking right off the bat to start the 3rd quarter. 200+ yards and 3 TDs before Dalton’s eyes could bleed. But a little herp, derp, and conservative playcalling allowed the Bungles to tie things up at 31 with a bit over 1:00 left, but that was enough to get into Catanzaro range for the winner. And there was much rejoicing by Yinzer and Donks faithful alike.

King Hippo
King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t like hammering on the refs but…. (this may sound racist, but…) the league has obviously told them to watch the Donk’s D very closely; 8 for 118 yards vs. 0 Bears penalties, that just doesn’t happen in this frag happy era. Sorry, but something is wrong. Sure they play to the echo of the quack, and do some stupid stuff, but so do most teams. Von Miller was face-masked by Long on three occasions that I saw, and one on sooper sloe moe (the sack) that the announcers didn’t seem to notice, none of these were called. Brocky giving up, not running, get landed on later and harder that Catler, no call. If you want to call it tight or let them play, fine, just show some even-handedness.

/end rant mode

It was a win, fuck it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

tl;dr: homer rant, some validity.

Doktor Zymm
Member

The Bears waived Pickle Boy. Maybe he’ll be going to Baltimore?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

It has to be someplace cold because he needs to be refrigerated at all times:

http://www.comfytummy.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/no-claussen.jpg

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Rapoport and others are reporting that at least one other team expressed an interest in David Fales, so they activated him so they wouldn’t lose him. That means more teams are interested in David Fales than Jimmy Clausen. Both reasonable and sad.

WCS
Member

He’ll always be the #1 starter in Peter King’s heart.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s not like he was their….. bread ‘n’ butter.

WCS
Member
Beerguyrob
Member

I guess the batteries are now for throwing.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

It’s for the best, it was about to get abusive.

WCS
Member

Did you get that draft? I sent it around noon.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I just finished it.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Welp, looks like Pfizer is not only going to steal Allergan, they’re going to shift their tax base out of the country!

“Pfizer Inc, the maker of Viagra and Lipitor, has struck a deal to buy Botox-maker Allergan Plc in a transaction valued at about $160 billion.

The complex deal, the biggest ever in the healthcare sector, will allow Pfizer to shift its legal base to Ireland in a so-called “inversion” that would reduce its tax rate.”

I wonder if the mouthbreathing fuckwits that run our media will raise the same alarm over this that they did when Burger King tried to do the exact same thing. Remember all the couch-fainting and peal-clutching? The boycotts? THE OUTRAGE??? All a media creation brought to you by sniveling cowards who saw an easy target that didn’t spend much on cable news advertising.

Yeah, well that’s a $2 billion company that sells hamburgers. Pfizer/Allergan will be a ONE HUNDRED SIXTY BILLION DOLLAR COMPANY that sells some of the most important medications on the planet. Can’t boycott that shit if you’re a customer! Also can’t outrage that shit if you’re the sniveling coward in charge of a cable news network relying on those sweet, sweet prescription drug ad millions.

So, the word from your librul media? Not a fucking thing other than that it’s happening.

You get the country your media creates and HOO BOY do we have ourselves a clusterfuck here.

jjfozz
Member

I heard this story on the radio today, and it seems to my peanut sized brain like they’re being very open about it. My question is, “How in fuck does this happen?”

Then I remembered everyone in the government is a bought and paid for whore.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Exactly. It’s happening, and IT’S GREAT CAPITALISM WOO

No stoking a nationwide furor over a business decision, which they should actually be doing this time.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

The New York Times has been all over this, although generally in the business section. This is the second time Pfizer has tried this; the first time they dropped it when the other company thought the deal was undervaluing them and the adverse publicity didn’t help.

However, with the opportunity to drop their tax rate from 35%, (although Pfiizer generally pays 25% since no one pays full freight), to whatever Ireland charges, (I think somewhere in the single digits), and the opportunity to cash in all those foreign earnings, there was no way Pfizer wasn’t going to find some way to get this done.

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

Fucking BBC had on a fucking Forbes reporter about it, and he said–I shit you not–that the tax implications were “only one reason” and not nearly the primary reason for the acquisition/merger.

I screamed out “Bullshit!!!” so loud that other cars on the road swerved. I was driving 50 mph on a country road.

The fucking Forbes reporter even detailed how Allergan was originally a company based in northern California that had itself acquired/merged and moved to Ireland to avoid U.S. taxes. So it’s not like, you know, no one in Allergan could help/entice Pfizer to avoid its U.S. taxes.

Jesus Tittyfucking Christ.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

To hell with the Holy Grail, I’ll take the Nazareth Pearl Necklace, ftw.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Real question, not trolling. I thought tax rates in the UK/EU were usually higher than the US? They have vastly superior social services/safety net, but I thought taxes were usually much higher to compensate for that? Is it just a growing economy giving incentives and abatements to draw big businesses into their country?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They are, Ireland is an exception to get more businesses there. Apparently it is still a highly debated issue. Some of the other EU companies have higher tax rates but also have other incentives to have headquarters and employees within the country.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

So basically small-town Walmarting themselves?

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

All I want to know is when Canelo Alvarez is going to fight GGG??

Giants were on bye this week which was extremely peaceful for me.

SonOfSpam
Member

If Canelo knows what’s good for him, never.

yeah right
Member

Goddamn I would love to see it.

Golovkin would annihilate him with a quickness however.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I blame my hangover entirely on the Raiders.

yeah right
Member

I feel surprisingly clear-headed today.

Probably because I passed out about an hour after the Vikings game was over.

jjfozz
Member

Someone just suggested Tebow for the Ravens.

If this happens, I am buying a plane ticket to Syria and dedicating my life to the eradication of ISIS.

My weapons training consists of a hunter’s safety course I took when I was 13 – and all the Die Hard movies.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

FYI if you want to go to Syria you’re going to have to apply for a visa in person at the Syrian Embassy in DC (yes, there still is one of those) bearing a letter of recommendation from a known source inside Syria.

You’ll then likely fly to Istanbul because you can get ground transportation and be allowed in though western Turkey. If you try to fly to Damascus you’ll certainly be followed and your mission will be foiled. You cannot enter through Israel or any state that shares a land border with Israel, or even have a passport stamp from Israel, Egypt, Jordan, or Lebanon. As you can imagine, the Iraq border is still a bit of a mess, so no way in there.

Once on the ground in Syria you’ll want to head east to where the fighting is. Use the code “ISIS Jihad” to gain access to any Syrian resistance compound. When they bring you to see the honcho, say “Yankee here to see Bashar.” They’ll get you set up.

!من حسن حظي كما السلام عليكم

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

You can enter via Lebanon and Jordan. You have to pay lots to smugglers, as the areas on the Syrian side of the border are controlled by different factions, but you can do it.

Trust me.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I meant not legally.

Doktor Zymm
Member

Wouldn’t it just be easiest to pretend to be a female British teenager on Twitter and let ISIS find you and arrange entry?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

That’s not a bad idea, Trev!

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

I’m sure ISIS would find many ways to arrange entry for a busty British teen.

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

I can teach you some Arabic phrases that will come in handy, and the location of some nice restaurants in Damascus that are probably now piles of rubble.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

“Hey guys, where’s the beer?”

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

I drank a lot of beer in Syria. Most of it was shitty local brew (I was living in the Christian quarter of Damascus), but it was cheap. Every once in a while we’d splurge on some imports (usually stuff from Lebanon, where somehow the Christians know how to brew better beer).

Come to think of it, Jordan is the only Muslim-majority country I’ve been where I didn’t drink alcohol. Wait, technically (though not legally) I’ve been in Afghanistan, but not long enough to find beer.

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

“Hey guys, where’s the beer?”

Aasdeeqah’ee, wayn beerin?

Yeah, the Arabic word for “beer” is “beer”

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

Wait, I screwed that up. “Beer” is feminine in Arabic. “Beerah” is one beer, “beeratin” is multiple. Arabic has a dual case (for two of something), but I assume you either want one beer, or more than two beers.

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

And I forgot the evocative.

So, let’s recap:

“Hey guys, where’s the beer?”

Ya aasdeeqah’ee, wayn beeratin?

Ya aasdeeqah’ee, wayn el-beerah? would work just as well, but depending on the context that might be interpreted as “where is the one single can of beer we have?”

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

Is it entirely possible that Matt Ryan just really fucking sucks? BRING BACK VICK!

Beerguyrob
Member

ALL HAIL BARTKOWSKI!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How can he be regressing now? Moar liek Matty Fucker.

blaxabbath
Member

I watched more NFL this weekend than I have all season (all SNF, about half of each AM/PM slots) and it is a fucking chore. Even without new NFLPA member arrests happening every 36 hours, listening to these announcers praise these players for ‘coming back from the exempt list’ or ‘unfortunately missing the first 3 games due to the league banned substance policy’ is a constant reminder that much of this league is impossible to root for.

Then the secondary coverage and fan spew kicks off with it’s veiled racism and jerkoffery of Brady and the Patriots. “They sure look like they are on a mission.” No shit – they cheat and keep getting caught cheating. How anyone gives them the benefit of the doubt is beyond me. At least the trolls who say, “yeah, I love cheating. It’s part of the game,” have an enlightened [but insincere] view.

Then I login to Twitter and see @NFL’s buzzfeed ripoff tweets (each of which autoplay a Ford commercial that is really just an attack on my dick size) which are, at best, just emojis and, typically, poorly produced cutesy writing such as:
“Philip Rivers is looking for a screen pass.
Justin Houston is looking for the end zone.
PICK SIX! #KCvsSD”

Then I have to look at Florio and PK and remember how dumb everyone else is and that I have to see them all Monday morning.

(Yes, I know we all have this rant. I just had to let mine go today.)

jjfozz
Member

I’m with you, I keep asking myself, “Isn’t there something else to do with our time, effort, and money?”

Then the evil JJ Fozz voice says, “Yeah, like spending time with family and being sober and not suffering through angst that’s generated by people who give zero fucks about you? Fuck that. Go buy a Brandon Perriman jersey, there’s always next year!”

blaxabbath
Member
jjfozz
Member

Does this actually exist or did you design this? Because my 8 yr old wants a Perriman jersey for Xmas, and I have no idea if they even exist and then he said, “Well Santa Claus can make it, right?”

So now I have that to figure out – gotta keep the Santa faith strong.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Hey you can drink and watch sports and ignore your family and not be a hoser: watch hockey.

Don T
Member

Year 2 of my NFL watching plan is working out great.
1. Watch only the games: put music over the muted broadcast. You know what those flags were for, and you get a replay anyway.
2. Never listen to a second of pre- halftime- post-game shows.
3. Keep in mind players are pro athletes aware of the health risks, yet choose to celebrate plays banging helmets with teammates.
4. Read dick-joke purveyors as if it were Scripture.

yeah right
Member

Once again, you absolutely MUST DVR the games, wait about 45 minutes after scheduled kick-off and fast forward through all commercials, half time shows and when ever they “welcome you to the broadcast booth”.

You will save your sanity and some of your dwindling brain cells by avoiding 75 draft kings/fan duel and Kay jewelers ads.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

But then you can’t comment in real time.

The DVR sword has two edges, my friend.

yeah right
Member

That is the absolute truth. This explains my lack of appearances in many rive brogs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wait 15 to 20 minutes and DVR and sometime do what Don does, listen to the radio broadcast, or some of the announcing doesn’t bother me as much. Agreed wholeheartedly on #2. There are a lot of plays I’ll frame by frame or slo-mo through to watch the routes or line play, to which the DVR is essential.

I don’t do the comments live because fans initial reactions drive me nits, unless I skim something that is funny I try not to read (also why I don’t often watch with friends). When commenting I do random graphics and/or song or videos that amuse me, seldom but sometimes they amuse others. I still love the game and will watch most of a game or enough to see what is happening. I tried Redzone for two seasons and don’t really like it.

jjfozz
Member

Today on Baltimore sports talk radio a caller suggested that Flacco’s injury was faked and a conspiracy to get him out for the season and get a new QB to start next week.

Caller was not under the influence of anything.

I love you, Baltimore sports fans.

Lothar of the Hill People
Member
Lothar of the Hill People

Who knew Pete Carroll lived in Baltimore?

Don T
Member

John Fox going for it in 4th down? Pod people rumors gaining traction.

Doktor Zymm
Member

I really hope Buffalo/NE doesn’t suck tonight. Yesterday was disappointing. Let’s go Lake Effect Snow Team!

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

The odds of tonight’s game sucking are about the same as the odds that the next guy you bring home will try to stick something up your butt.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Accidentally on purpose

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