Congratulations to putative MVP Cam Newton, who shat all over the Washington Redacteds. That makes it 10 in a row for the 9-1 Panthers!
Not to be out-NFC Easted, the Sanchize led the Iggles to an early 7-0 lead over the Bucs, only to be narrowly edged 45-10 down the stretch. Yeah, Chip Kelly totes kicked a FG in the 4th quarter. One assumes he’s checking the “college coach” section of craigslist on an hourly basis.
But all is not lost! Tony Romo failed to Nobyl in his return to the field in the humid sweatsock of South Florida. The sea mammals are hence buried a little deeper, and the Cowboys are lookin’ good at 3-7 (with a bullet!).
Some come back from injury, others go away. We mourn the loss of the Elite One today, but he goes out a winner, in a truly brutal (like, Bataan Death March brutal) game, 16-13 over the Rams. In my head, there’s an intense legal battle between St. Louis, Los Angeles, and Beirut as to who has to take this franchise. Throughout it all, only Jeff Fisher’s blank stare and mustache remain constants. Todd Gurley crashes down to earth for the second week running.
Speaking of crashing…oh, Jets. You done losted to T.J. Yates. Go to your room and think about what you just did.
Also, the once looking respectable and maybe even a bit dangerous Oakland Raiders lost in Detroit. Surprisingly, the blame all lies with an offense that never got out of second gear. Does nobody want that second AFC Wild Card slot?
Maybe it’s the lack of allure in going to Denver in January? Brock gets his Happy Birthday start in the Windy City and makes it count. 20-27, 250 yards, 2 TDs, no INTs. Of course, the Donks just had to make it interesting, giving up a late TD and needing the stop on the 2-pointer to preserve a 17-15 win, but after the field-shitting against the Chefs, all Denver faithful will gladly take it. Especially with the good QB play attached.
Those pesky Chefs get their second straight road division blowout, this week over the injured, demoralized, and perhaps packed-up-to-move Chargers. This game was just shit start to finish, and KC happily accepted the many gifts they were given. God help the poor fucks who watched this in its entirety. The Red Zone portions were indigestible enough.
Seattle jumped out to a lightning-fast 20-0 lead, let The Flow get his charges back in it somehow, then pulled away again to win 29-13. Honestly, I had trouble paying attention even when Red Zone cut to this one. Just seemed like more evidence that the SeaTruthers just don’t have it anymore. They are just kinda there, 8-8 written all over ’em.
I almost forgot about the Colts/Falcons. We all probably should. It amazes me that anyone still takes Atlanta seriously at all, but this home loss should be the last straw. I am probably the only fantasy owner in America who started Ahmad Bradshaw (2 TDs!!) and I still lost, because I fucking suck. At fantasy football, life, whatevs. But hey, at least I’M NOT THE FUCKING ATLANTA FALCONS.
The rumbling sound you hear is the Minnesota Vikings/Teddy Bridgewater bandwagon emptying en masse. Very disappointing effort, especially from the Vikes’ OL. Teddy Ballgame never had a chance. Stefon Diggs still MIA. Nothing gold can stay.
Carson Palmer sucked in the first half. Like really fucking “Alvin & the Chipmunks Squeakuel” sucked. But Cincy only led by 7. They would regret that when Palmer quit sucking right off the bat to start the 3rd quarter. 200+ yards and 3 TDs before Dalton’s eyes could bleed. But a little herp, derp, and conservative playcalling allowed the Bungles to tie things up at 31 with a bit over 1:00 left, but that was enough to get into Catanzaro range for the winner. And there was much rejoicing by Yinzer and Donks faithful alike.