Dear Lord! There’s another Republican debate tonight? From Detroit?! The Fox Theater?! On Fox News?!

/checks cable package; relieved Fox News isn’t listed

//wishes Robocop was real

///ends up on FBI watch list

It might be fun to watch Megyn Kelly grind Trump’s balls, if all those other chucklefucks weren’t going to trip on each other trying to do it instead. It’ll probably end up making Trump look better. At least Carson’s not there. If there was any justice in the world, Matt Millen would be the moderator and just spend the entire two hours asking questions about sandwiches and NCAA eligibility.

Forgive the Canadian obsession with US politics, but the presidential campaign matters almost as much to us. As Justin’s dad once said:

Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.

Because the debate’s in Detroit – the Assembly Line of Miserableness – I’ve tried to line up which candidate matches a Lions QB from years past. Opinions may vary:

• Jeb!: Scott Mitchell – Mama’s boy; never really wanted the job, just the money. Got fat & went home.
• Ben Carson: Rodney Peete – considered strong when drafted, but faltered quickly under the lights.
• John Kasich: Eric Hipple – a good & decent man surrounded by awful teammates.
• Marco Rubio: Dan Orlovsky – who else can you picture running out of the end zone?
• Ted Cruz: Joey Harrington – always optimistic in the face of abject failure; looks good on paper.
• Trump: comes out in Matt Stafford, but rips off jersey on stage to reveal a Bobby Layne
  • “What’s Stafford done? Nothing! He’s so bad he made Megatron retire. I don’t wear garbage. Bobby Layne – that guy was a winner. I only wear winners!”

Considering the Republican convention is being held in the Factory of Sadness July 18-21, I’m sure there will be thinkpieces comparing the Browns organization and whatever Republican civil war has erupted by then. I can already see Jimmy Haslam yee-hawing his way to the stage. Our only true salvation at that time will be meteor.

Enough talk – to the games! (all times eastern)

NHL: (12 games total)

• Rangers @ Penguins – 7:00
• Blackhawks @ Bruins – 7:00
• Tampa Bay @ Ottawa – 7:30
• Habs @ Kings – 10:30

NBA: (4 games total)

• Spurs @ Pelicans – 8:00
• Sacramento @ Dallas – 8:30
• Thunder @ Warriors – 10:30

NCAA:

Basketball: (Reminder: the tournament starts two weeks today!)

• Illinois @ #14 Maryland – 7:00
• #25 Cal @ #18 Arizona – 9:00
• What the hell is ESPN 3? There’s so few seeds playing most games have been shuffled to the Trois

Hockey: The Div-1 Hockey East tournament begins tonight. Road to the Frozen Four!

• New Hampshire @ Merrimack – 7:00

Finally, on today’s date in 1931, “The Star Spangled Banner” was adopted as the US national anthem & signed into law by Herbert Hoover. To commemorate this fact, it’s gotta be Whitney:

That’s the good stuff. INTO THE NIGHT, MY PRETTIES!