Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 24)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The DFO clubhouse. Future Clone Debbie Harry holding the troll doll that used to be the present-day body of Moose, marches Doktor Zymm back out to the main room to find Low Commander of the Super Soldiers watching TV with the DFOers.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: So, the person that is voted off is then disintegrated, until only one survivor is left?

Otto’s Brain: Not exactly…

Horatio Cornblowwer: Although I would watch the hell out of that show.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Low Commander! I told you to keep an eye on these pasties, not fraternize with them!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (jumping up off of the couch): Sorry, Empress!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (handing him the Totally Instant Transmogrifier): No matter. Here, take my T.I.T. No, don’t just grab it, it’s sensitive! Just handle it gently.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (carefully holding the Totally Instant Transmogrifier): Of course, Empress.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Good. Now, we can’t harm Zymm or Otto, or else we might damage our own future. The fuzzy one and the mini-man are fair game, though, so turn them into, oh…how about a pair of earrings? Make them sparkly. And none of that “chocolate diamond” crap.

Otto’s Brain: What?

Doktor Zymm: But why?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I need a new pair of earrings, that’s why. I’m the Empress of a global empire, and I’m used to getting what I want.

Doktor Zymm: No vonder Mooze vanted Lynda Carter! She’s zo much nicer!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (glaring): Don’t push it, Zymm. I need a new necklace, too.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (hesitating): I…I…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Don’t go soft on me, Low Commander. I don’t tolerate failure.

Suddenly Darkest Timeline Zach Morris snaps out of his months-long paralysis.

DTZM: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! Woo! That stuff packs a kick!

As everyone looks toward DTZM in surprise, Moosemas gorilla leaps forward and knocks the Totally Instant Transmogrifier out of Low Commander of the Super Soldiers’ hand. It flies up, bounces off the ceiling and then falls to the floor and breaks.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: My T.I.T.!

Horatio Cornblower (pointing his tiny but proportional finger at Future Clone Debbie Harry): Quick! Get her!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (pushing a button on her belt): As if I’d be captured by the like of you!

A green glow surrounds Future Clone Debbie Harry, and, troll doll in hand, she begins to fade from sight.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (as she fades away): But I’ll be back to get you, fuzzball! And your little man, too!

Future Clone Debbie Harry disappears completely, and the green glow dissipates.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Frek! She’s going to come back with an army…

Doktor Zymm: Not likely. While ve were in meine lab, I took zis off of her belt.

Doktor Zymm holds up a thumb-sized dial.

Doktor Zymm: Zis ist die Chronal Relay User Dial. Vithout it, she ist…lost in time!

Otto’s Brain: Hey, nice job, Doc!

DTZM: Yeah! I mean, I have no idea what’s going on…or who the guy in the silver jumpsuit is…or the gorilla…or why Horatio is the size of a Ken doll…or why I’m wearing my old disco suit…but this sounds like a reason to celebrate! Is there any more of that Moosemas Brew around?

Doktor Zymm: Not for you.

Horatio Cornblower: Not to be a party-pooper, but I have to get to Vegas. We have a few members there that need a lawyer.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Otto’s Brain: Vegas? Yeah, baby, count me in!

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Vell, someone has to drive ze three of you, zo I guess I’m going, too.

Otto’s Brain (rolling out the door): Woo, Vegas! Hey, Zach, hold down the fort for us!

DTZM (as everyone else leaves): OK…sure. I’ll just wait here, I guess.

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris sits down on the couch, and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers sits down next to him.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (looking at DTZM’s white disco outfit): I…like your suit.

DTZM (looking at Low Commander’s silver jumpsuit): Thanks! I like yours, too.

Cut to: 30,000 B.C. PK is sitting alone in the jungle, looking forlorn.

PK: I can’t believe those guys ditched me! What’d I ever do to…hey, what’s that?

A green glow fills the area and Future Clone Debbie Harry steps out of it.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (looking around as the glow fades away): This is…not my time.

PK (waving hesitantly): Umm…hi…?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (looking over PK with disdain): Low forehead, simian-like ears, obviously primitive…I’m in the distant past. Frek!

PK: Do you have any candy on you? Or maybe a pastry? I think my blood sugar is getting low.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Frek frek frek!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Please Login to comment
8 Comment threads
27 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
15 Comment authors
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled WaterMoose -The End Is Well NighSill BimmonsHoratio CornblowerBeastmode Ate My Baby Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Having marathoned this entire series over the course of two days I’m curious to see if/when Beastmode Ate My Baby is gonna make an appearance. Either way, keep up the great work! You haven’t jumped the shark yet!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Don’t leave DTZM and I alone with our suits! Everyone will come back and we’ll both be sporting these:

http://cdn.mrcostumes.com/images/ProductCloseup/1433/Silver-Sequin-Shirt-uw29182.jpg

/Shudders

jjfozz

Linda Carter. Ah, yes. That Maybelline commercial where she slowwwwwly walks out of the pool.

First time I saw that, my prepubescent brain fused together.

Also I am sure as fuck getting into bourble tonight. Count on that shit.

entropy

I’mma start this afternoon. It’s healthy if it’s vodka and propel water, right?

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

MOIST!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I lost it at tiny but proportional hands.

Horatio Cornblower

So did Mrs. Cornblower.

But I had her family held hostage so she had to go through with the wedding.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
monty this seems strange to me

Dok Zymm eats Vietnamese… what? Vietnamese what???

Oh, sandwich. Whew.

ballsofsteelandfury

She paid for it with dong, though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

I was expecting that to go cannibal, honestly.

monty this seems strange to me

No vonder Mooze vanted Lynda Carter! She’s zo much nicer!

Nah, Moose likes to be dominated.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Really most types of adult role or roll playing is fine, except furry; those damn suits are itchy and hot.

*Wonder Woman is in to bondage.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

We should stay at the MGM, they’ve got a good poker room and I get a discount there.

In other news, watching rugby, drinking beer, other than the staff there is one other woman in here.

ballsofsteelandfury

I like the Mandalay Bay. The beach is nice and the poker room is nice too. A little small, but it’s right next to the sportsbook, so it’s convenient. Then again, I haven’t been in many years, so they could have remodeled and I could have no idea what I’m talking about.

entropy

I really enjoyed staying in the Luxor pyramid, but that’s because I enjoy feeling like dead royalty and the rooms look like you’re in the Tyrell building from Blade Runner.

Also, when I stayed there, they hadn’t yet implemented the tiered security, so you could ride the inclinator from the lobby all the way to the penthouse, even if you were a lowly peasant like me. When we arrived on the PH level, room service had just delivered six-packs of beer outside one of the rooms and I grabbed two of them. To this day, the tastiest beer I ever had because I know I deprived some rich asshole of something for once.

blaxabbath
entropy

Not registered with either major party, and would never live in Florida.

Although, the beer thing was so much fun I just want to run into some truly rich prick after he gets coffee or something and just take it from his hands, to see what happens next.

blaxabbath

Well, I know what happens if you get caught.

http://media.graytvinc.com/images/Police+Shooting.mgn.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

The inclinator and just the overall interior layout of the hotel scared the shit out of me. I’m scared of exposed heights. I am to this day shocked that no drunk people have fallen to their deaths stumbling over the railings. That I know of.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

What kind of discount? And, more importantly, is it transferable?

ballsofsteelandfury

Now THAT is a location for a DFO Clubhouse!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

The MGM is nice but finding the elevator to go back to the room after a Vegas night out is a major fucking challenge.
I’ve been lost twice.

Nice pool scene and great location. Crazy ass sports book too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh