Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 24)

The scene: The DFO clubhouse. Future Clone Debbie Harry holding the troll doll that used to be the present-day body of Moose, marches Doktor Zymm back out to the main room to find Low Commander of the Super Soldiers watching TV with the DFOers.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: So, the person that is voted off is then disintegrated, until only one survivor is left?

Otto’s Brain: Not exactly…

Horatio Cornblowwer: Although I would watch the hell out of that show.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Low Commander! I told you to keep an eye on these pasties, not fraternize with them!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (jumping up off of the couch): Sorry, Empress!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (handing him the Totally Instant Transmogrifier): No matter. Here, take my T.I.T. No, don’t just grab it, it’s sensitive! Just handle it gently.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (carefully holding the Totally Instant Transmogrifier): Of course, Empress.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Good. Now, we can’t harm Zymm or Otto, or else we might damage our own future. The fuzzy one and the mini-man are fair game, though, so turn them into, oh…how about a pair of earrings? Make them sparkly. And none of that “chocolate diamond” crap.

Otto’s Brain: What?

Doktor Zymm: But why?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I need a new pair of earrings, that’s why. I’m the Empress of a global empire, and I’m used to getting what I want.

Doktor Zymm: No vonder Mooze vanted Lynda Carter! She’s zo much nicer!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (glaring): Don’t push it, Zymm. I need a new necklace, too.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (hesitating): I…I…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Don’t go soft on me, Low Commander. I don’t tolerate failure.

Suddenly Darkest Timeline Zach Morris snaps out of his months-long paralysis.

DTZM: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! Woo! That stuff packs a kick!

As everyone looks toward DTZM in surprise, Moosemas gorilla leaps forward and knocks the Totally Instant Transmogrifier out of Low Commander of the Super Soldiers’ hand. It flies up, bounces off the ceiling and then falls to the floor and breaks.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: My T.I.T.!

Horatio Cornblower (pointing his tiny but proportional finger at Future Clone Debbie Harry): Quick! Get her!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (pushing a button on her belt): As if I’d be captured by the like of you!

A green glow surrounds Future Clone Debbie Harry, and, troll doll in hand, she begins to fade from sight.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (as she fades away): But I’ll be back to get you, fuzzball! And your little man, too!

Future Clone Debbie Harry disappears completely, and the green glow dissipates.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Frek! She’s going to come back with an army…

Doktor Zymm: Not likely. While ve were in meine lab, I took zis off of her belt.

Doktor Zymm holds up a thumb-sized dial.

Doktor Zymm: Zis ist die Chronal Relay User Dial. Vithout it, she ist…lost in time!

Otto’s Brain: Hey, nice job, Doc!

DTZM: Yeah! I mean, I have no idea what’s going on…or who the guy in the silver jumpsuit is…or the gorilla…or why Horatio is the size of a Ken doll…or why I’m wearing my old disco suit…but this sounds like a reason to celebrate! Is there any more of that Moosemas Brew around?

Doktor Zymm: Not for you.

Horatio Cornblower: Not to be a party-pooper, but I have to get to Vegas. We have a few members there that need a lawyer.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Otto’s Brain: Vegas? Yeah, baby, count me in!

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Vell, someone has to drive ze three of you, zo I guess I’m going, too.

Otto’s Brain (rolling out the door): Woo, Vegas! Hey, Zach, hold down the fort for us!

DTZM (as everyone else leaves): OK…sure. I’ll just wait here, I guess.

Darkest Timeline Zach Morris sits down on the couch, and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers sits down next to him.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (looking at DTZM’s white disco outfit): I…like your suit.

DTZM (looking at Low Commander’s silver jumpsuit): Thanks! I like yours, too.

Cut to: 30,000 B.C. PK is sitting alone in the jungle, looking forlorn.

PK: I can’t believe those guys ditched me! What’d I ever do to…hey, what’s that?

A green glow fills the area and Future Clone Debbie Harry steps out of it.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (looking around as the glow fades away): This is…not my time.

PK (waving hesitantly): Umm…hi…?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (looking over PK with disdain): Low forehead, simian-like ears, obviously primitive…I’m in the distant past. Frek!

PK: Do you have any candy on you? Or maybe a pastry? I think my blood sugar is getting low.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Frek frek frek!

To be continued…